If you were on the fence about having kids, how did things work out for you?

[panticus]

I'd love to hear from those of you who found it hard to decide whether or not to have kids. Did you end up deciding to take the plunge, or to stay childfree? And how do you feel about that decision now?

I'm now 33.5 years old and am finding it so hard to decide what to do! Husband and I are very happily married and to be honest, don't have any strong desire to have kids. But I know that I need to make a decision one way or another relatively soon given my age. Being a totally over-analytical type I have put far too much time into considering the pros and cons and am still undecided.

On the pro side, the key points are:

• I quite like the idea of having an adult child. I have a great relationship with my parents and my in-laws (who are dear friends), and would love the idea of this continuing through another generation.
• We are financially comfortable and could afford childcare etc so I would not need to be a SAHP (also, parents and in-laws would be very supportive in terms of providing care etc).

On the con side:

• To be perfectly frank, I don't enjoy the company of children Maybe it is due to me being an introvert, but their constant demands and the noise levels completely wear me down. I have nieces and nephews and most of my close friends already have kids, so have spent a lot of time around them.
• I don't have any burning desire to have them. Friends with kids have told me not to have them unless I am 100% sure, but I find that somewhat challenging to digest (particularly as I am quite sure that most of them weren't 100% themselves).

I've read a lot of material about kids v no kids both on MN and the internet more generally, but a lot of people seem to feel so strongly either way - ie they either knew from a young age that they couldn't wait to start a family or that they never ever wanted kids. I feel somewhere in the middle - I really don't know what "my heart is telling me to do", as the advice so often suggests

Did anyone else feel the same way? How did it work out?

I don't regret it but objectively it has made my life much much harder. Career much harder to keep going. Everything more expensive. No freedom to travel etc. Feel like a maid doing boring work for others. Parenting itself is mostly as dull as I expected it would be. On the other hand you can do some fun stuff with kids. They improve with age. Babies are epically dull.

It's a myth that all mothers feel the love you describe Jezebelz. Many don't, lots fake it.

Having a child you're not sure you want is a mistake in my view. The freedom to live your life as you want, fulfil your own potential, be spontaneous, explore your interests and passions is not to be underestimated. You also have to be prepared to have a child with additional needs and the impact this will have on your life.

DH wanted them and I wasn’t keen although I did want adult children. It turns out babies and children are awesome and I’m now pregnant with my fourth!

Agreed blue25

Good point blue25 - having a kid is one of life's biggest gambles. It turns out well in the majority of cases, but not all.

Lionel Shriver's book 'We need to talk about Kevin' is about the worst case scenario of having a child after being on the fence!

I felt similar to the OP and have never regretted having DD for a moment but I am lucky that I bonded with her.

Can I imagine life without her? Yep, and it would have been a nice life, but I'm glad I chose to have her.

I didn’t really want dc but DH did and I thought why not?
With dd I felt I had made a terrible mistake ( which could have been pnd with hindsight) and didn’t bond with her at all for a while and even once that passed and I actually loved her I was more than happy to have a break from her if DH or either Grandma wanted to spend time with her. From about 5 once she started being a “real person” I absolutely adored her and now she’s 13 and I miss her if she’s not here and I love her so much
With DS I fell in love with him at first sight and still love him to pieces.
On reflection I think I would have been perfectly happy if we didn’t have dc, I don’t regret them but I would have been ok childless. DH probably not so much
I can’t say I really enjoyed playing with them to be honest and reading to them bored me to tears but I did both.I enjoy them much more now they are older and don’t really restrict me
I don’t much like babies, wouldnt ask to hold one ( or even want to) and I generally avoid other people’s children ( even family)

I never wanted kids, DH really wanted them. We had a long discussion before we lived together about having kids vs splitting up but he decided to stay with me and give up on kids. But as we got older I decided to have kids for him. I've never met another man I'd want to have a child with but I knew he'd do his share of parenting (he worked PT when the kids were small and now works very locally so he can do the schoolrun and sportsdays etc). So we had DD1 when I was 36, the DD2 and DS in the next 5 years.

We both have good jobs so were able to afford good childcare and a cleaner but we have no family nearby and so no support network. I am very aware that lack of support has not been good for our marriage, we don't get enough time being a couple and in 10 years have had 1 night away from the kids. I did not cope well with being on maternity leave, I felt very isolated and like I was stuck in Groundhog Day and am much happier now I'm back at work full time. So I'm really not a natural 'mother' but then who is really? We all struggle with parenthood sometimes, DH finds parenting a stroppy 10 year old harder than parenting small children whereas I much prefer being a parent to schoolchildren than babies.

DD1 and I have great chats about science and history these days, this for me is the fun stage. And the combination of our genes in each child is fascinating and makes our own children way more interesting than other kids that I still barely tolerate. Although hearing a long and detailed explanation of the latest episode of Wolfblood is still dull as fuck even if it is coming from my darlings.

I actually these days don't think there's much in it. If you don't have kids you wonder what it would have been like while enjoying a comfortable lifestyle. If you do have kids life becomes more extreme, some bits are awful but some bits are fabulous. And it puts a tremendous strain on your relationship, happiest couples I know don't have kids because they can devote more time to each other.

The fact that you said you could afford childcare so wouldn't have to be a SAHP says it all. Someone who wanted a family would say they can afford to be a SAHP as a positive. Don't inflict a none maternal mother on a baby. Have you considered fostering a teenager?

I never wanted children and saw them as a complete inconvenience. Was very academic and career focussed. I found out I was pregnant whilst I had a coil when I was 23 and mid way through a PhD. Had my first ds and discovered I was actually pretty good at being a mum! Had 2 more dcs and by the time I was 28 was a full time mum of 3. I'm still not particularly keen on other people's little dcs(!) However discovered I love teenagers so did a PGCE and became a secondary science teacher about 4 years ago. Funny how things work out!

It’s interesting to read others experiences.
By far the biggest challenge for us is the lack of family or close friends for support. We both have very few family members and none nearby (well actually I have a brother nearby but he has no interest in seeing the kids or having anything to do with them).

We’ve only been out on our own twice in two years, both of them in the last couple of months. If I could go back I would have had a big holiday before getting pregnant as I just can’t imagine taking the twins abroad any time soon.

It’s not just lack of babysitters but lack of help and support when things are tough, and they’ve been very tough at times. I completely underestimated how much of an impact this would have.

I can’t afford to go back to work as childcare for twins is extortionate - I lucked into a very part time and flexible job that’s quite rewarding thank goodness, but think I would struggle mentally without that.

If you do have a lot of support and are comfortable financially it takes huge pressure off, it’s not everything but it makes a massive difference.

@Jezebelz that is pretty naive. Having children does not guarantee unconditional, or overwhelming love. It can often be a lifetime of endurance and regret.

please dont assume if you have a child you will have a relationship with them all their adulthood it dosent work out like that always.

'A lifetime of endurance and regret' ... there should really be a Mothers Day card for that.

We were like you, OP, and did go for it. Two years later DD came along. I'm strongly introverted, and do find her constant desire for attention hard work (DD is now 5). We have never tried for a second child, mainly my decision. We had a good marriage before, and it's still good now - DH is a very hands on father, and we both work part time.

I found the first year of DD's life the hardest (so far!) though I don't think I had PND. Going back to work has helped me. We were and are financially comfortable, but don't have much family support. The only time someone other than me/DH has put DD to bed was when he was blue-lighted to hospital - friends have baby-sat at other times, but we haven't had any nights out as a couple (not sure A&E counts!). I don't regret having DD, but I don't feel my life would have been worthless/meaningless without her. Not sure that's much help, but it's an honest perspective.

What are your motives here?

I was like you but came to the realisation that I was thinking about it because I felt I should. There's so much pressure on women to have babies it's unreal, and judgement of those who don't "career girls" and the like.

We have decided not to as I just don't think I have it in me to give so much of myself up. Plenty of people do regret it as well, it's just not talked about.

All my friends are in the baby stage though and I find that tough. Feel like I'm losing my best mate since she had hers.

I never wanted children but I’m convinced that hormonal changes during pregnancy rewire your brain and make you like kids more. The science backs me up - google it!

Anyway I had 1 DC and he is absolutely the light of my life and my reason for living BUT my body is permanently scarred and I’ve regularly cried about not being beautiful any more. I have nerve damage and permanent numbness in my stomach from my c-section. I haven’t had a full nights sleep since I was 4 months pregnant, and I’ve lain awake and cried at night because I’m so exhausted but it’s not possible to sleep because I’m in pain or because the baby won’t sleep. My career has been destroyed because I can’t afford childcare and I’ll have to start from scratch when DC goes to school. I don’t have time to read or watch tv, or even put on makeup, or do anything at all for myself. It’s caused a huge rift in my marriage because DC doesn’t sleep so we never have any time together and haven’t had privacy to have sex since he was born. And I would totally choose it all again because I love my DC so much.

Then we took a risk based basically on the fact we didn't know anyone who regretted having children

You didn't know anyone who regretted having children?

Or you didn't know anyone who admitted that they regretted having children?

Bit of a difference, as it's not the sort of thing people own up to in everyday conversation.

Do you want to experience a different kind of love you've never felt before in your life? To absolutely adore another human being so much you know if anything happened to them you would never recover? For every day to be full of lovely moments (smiles, hugs, kisses, a sticky little paw taking your hand and saying 'I love you Mummy'), for every to have frustrating moments (woken in the night, mess, tears, shouting) and to know if your child was unhappy your heart would be broken too.

That sounds rather scary to me, to be frank.

Even the 'good' bits don't appeal.

Do you want to have nice holidays, meals out, time for hobbies, time for friends, smart clothes, no breaks in your career, plenty of sleep and regular sex but never experience that wonderful but terrifying love in your life.

Yes, absolutely. I can very happily live without a 'terrifying love'.

The fact that you said you could afford childcare so wouldn't have to be a SAHP says it all. Someone who wanted a family would say they can afford to be a SAHP as a positive.

Bullshit. Plenty of loving parents want to continue to work when their children are born, doesn’t mean they’re not maternal - what century is this?

These threads always draw out those who seem to want to recruit people to their “side”.

To say that motherhood is “often a lifetime of endurance and regret” is ridiculous. I’m sure that’s the case for a small minority, but often? Nonsense.

I felt the same. I'm not a kids person and have never been broody but my dh was keen and after putting him off for a few years I just took a leap of faith. Turns out I'm actually really maternal but just with my own lo. I still don't relally like kids in general. I'm obviously hugely relieved and love being a mother but now I write it all down it does sound like a gamble! One that paid off though. Truth is, I know loads of people who were immensely broody and then had a child and have struggled loads and not enjoyed being an actual parent. I'm not sure bloodiness means you'll find actual parenting more or less enjoyable than someone that wasn't broody.

I was ambivalent about having DC but have never regretted it for a second. The only thing I would caution is that you alone have the final say. When almost half of relationships break down, the vast vast majority of men don't take the Dc with them, regardless of promises beforehand.
Also, don't bank on grandparental help to see you through. It's isn't fair, and they can be out the picture unexpectedly (experience). As a woman, always think worse case scenario and if that doesn't deter you then I imagine more don't regret having DC than do.

I don't particularly like kids and i would have been perfectly happy without but after 15 years together we decided to let nature take its course and I had a baby. I love my baby (now aged 10) and I still don't particularly like other kids... I would do anything for my DS but I still would not have been bothered if I never had him.... if that makes any sense...

He's my world and my everything... I love him to pieces...

Same
I used to be really annoying, I used to exercise every day and I used to say idiotic things like how can someone not have time to exercise. God I was naive.

Here I am on my weekends off watching CBeebies and mn. Can't remember when my now size 12 bottom last was on a treadmill. At least 6 weeks ago. Just don't have the time. Have to keep buying socks and bigger clothes in my free time and new winter coats and gloves to replace the lost gloves from last week.

When you see you own baby it's the most amazing thing in the world, even when you get a 4d scan you can pick out familiar features and you just fall in love with your baby

When they get older lol not so Much but the new born phase is amazing and you can always hire a nanny