If you were on the fence about having kids, how did things work out for you?

[panticus]

I'd love to hear from those of you who found it hard to decide whether or not to have kids. Did you end up deciding to take the plunge, or to stay childfree? And how do you feel about that decision now?

I'm now 33.5 years old and am finding it so hard to decide what to do! Husband and I are very happily married and to be honest, don't have any strong desire to have kids. But I know that I need to make a decision one way or another relatively soon given my age. Being a totally over-analytical type I have put far too much time into considering the pros and cons and am still undecided.

On the pro side, the key points are:

• I quite like the idea of having an adult child. I have a great relationship with my parents and my in-laws (who are dear friends), and would love the idea of this continuing through another generation.
• We are financially comfortable and could afford childcare etc so I would not need to be a SAHP (also, parents and in-laws would be very supportive in terms of providing care etc).

On the con side:

• To be perfectly frank, I don't enjoy the company of children Maybe it is due to me being an introvert, but their constant demands and the noise levels completely wear me down. I have nieces and nephews and most of my close friends already have kids, so have spent a lot of time around them.
• I don't have any burning desire to have them. Friends with kids have told me not to have them unless I am 100% sure, but I find that somewhat challenging to digest (particularly as I am quite sure that most of them weren't 100% themselves).

I've read a lot of material about kids v no kids both on MN and the internet more generally, but a lot of people seem to feel so strongly either way - ie they either knew from a young age that they couldn't wait to start a family or that they never ever wanted kids. I feel somewhere in the middle - I really don't know what "my heart is telling me to do", as the advice so often suggests

Did anyone else feel the same way? How did it work out?

It has been fascinating reading everyone's responses - thank you for sharing and for being so honest.

I have lots of food for thought, but I think I just have to accept that I am going to have regrets either way

To be honest, at this stage I am leaning more towards not having kids. I don't have any desire to experience the "terrifying love" that people speak of and I'm just so worried that my personality is not going to be a good fit with motherhood. I love time to myself, am a bit of a perfectionist, am not a touchy-feely or cuddly person AT ALL (and the thought of having a little person attached to me truly makes me feel a bit claustrophobic), am very dedicated to exercise and my hobbies (half marathons, gym and dressage) and am also not very good at dealing with bodily fluids and food mess. I find playing with kids pretty tedious and the noise levels a bit overwhelming. Reading that back I sound cold-hearted, but that's just the way I am.

OliviaBenson asked about my motives. I think a lot of it does come down to societal pressure. If it were the case that childfree couples were more common then I don't think I'd even be asking the question. But at this stage all of our close friends have kids, bar one couple who have chosen to go down the childfree route. She is a little older than me (late 40s) and is having a bit of a wobble now that her parents have passed away. I am also worried that I will be lonely when we are older. I see how much joy grandchildren seem to bring to their grandparents and feel a little sad that we wouldn't get to experience that. But I don't think that's enough of a reason.

It's all very hard!

We debated for a long time but ultimately decided not to have kids. Don’t regret it one bit.

For us, having a child when we weren’t 100% behind the decision would have been the wrong choice.

I was never broody, never been someone who cooed over babies or particularly liked kids etc. Dh and I knew we wanted a family but weren't trying when we had dd (it was the sort of " well if it happens it happens" sort of stage of things). I had dd and ds now (4 and 3) and wouldn't change it for the world. We don't have any family support nearby, so that's tough i guess sometimes, but we're a happy little family, and it's just amazing every day seeing this awesome little people you made. We don't want any more as I get awful HG in pregnancy, but honestly, having kids is ace. Yes it's hard work at times, and you're knackered, but it's so worth it

I don’t think it’s inevitable that you’ll regret it either way - I wasn’t sure and I don’t regret it for a second (although I sometimes wish I’d had one at a time, not two at once as it can be so hard sometimes!).

Some aspects of your personality sound similar to mine and it can be an issue. Perfectionism is the main thing I’m trying to work on as I give myself such a hard time. I’m not overly cuddly either but I love that my boys come to me for cuddles now. I could cuddle them all day (if they’d sit still). I’ve never been interested in other people’s kids either (I’m still not, to be honest, although I have a group of twin Mum friends I love and I am really attached to their kids now after spending lots of time together). M

When my mum died my sister and I were with her, and you could tell it meant so much to her to have us there with her. Throughout her last 18 months I spent as much time with her as I could and we became so close in a way we weren’t before. I realised that once she was gone I’d have almost no family left (just a brother and sister). I thought about how much comfort my mum got from us when things were hard, and how much I loved her, and I suddenly felt that I had been so stupid to put it off for so long. She died in the May, and my twins were born 16 months later. I wish she could have met them, she would have been an amazing grandmother. I’ve learnt so much about myself and what it’s like to be a parent and wish I could talk to her about her experiences, what I was like as a baby, apologise for being an ingrate like most kids...;)

I had a pretty terrible childhood for various reasons and I think this played a huge part in my reluctance, but I realised that we are happily married and stable and my kids didn’t need to have a childhood like mine. Once I realised that I became much more open to it.

My twins just woke up crying so I went in to give them a drink and a cuddle and sat down with them for a while. DS1 was grabbing my hand and getting me to stroke his head so he could go to sleep. Sometimes I can hardly believe I made these two little people and as hard as it is I know one day I’ll miss little things like this as I already miss things about them being babies.

Tbh, when a woman in her mid-thirties, in a happy relationship, says she's "on the fence" about having a child, it always ends in at least trying to have one. I have never seen it end any other way. The ones who really don't want children know it.

I agree completely, and I am in the latter group: childfree by choice and very happily so with no regrets whatsoever.

@panticus

I see how much joy grandchildren seem to bring to their grandparents and feel a little sad that we wouldn't get to experience that*

But even if you do have a child, you are by no stretch of the imagination guaranteed to have grandchildren. Your kids might not want to have children. Or they might have kids, but marry someone in China or Australia so you see them maybe once every 2 years. Or you might have a bad relationship with your adult children. And so on.

It seems silly to do something which is going to completely change your life forever because you might have grandkids decades down the line. So I agree that this really isn't a good enough reason.

Reading that back I sound cold-hearted, but that's just the way I am.

Not to me it doesn't. I've never understood this idea that not having kids is 'selfish'. How can you be selfish towards someone who doesn't exist? Like you I'm an introvert and find the relentlessness and physicality of motherhood off-putting, and have no desire to experince a 'terrifying love'. It all sounds... terrifying.

This isn't really going to help, but ultimately you have to decide for yourself. The majority of people here are telling you they were happy they decided to have kids, but of course they DID decide to have them, so must have been that way inclined, even if only slightly. I would say that if you don't feel the 'urge', don't do it just because it's what you're 'supposed' to do - but then again I'm biased too as I'm happily childfree and just don't see the appeal of motherhood.

Anyway, I wish you the best with whatever you decide.

I never wanted kids but dh always did so we went into marriage in agreement that we would try. I was very clear with him though that mild fertility issues were one thing, but I wasn't going through endless Ivf ext (we knew I had fertility issues because of pcos).

What was very important was that we talked about the details ahead of time. I didn't want to give up my career and knew I would be a terrible sahp. Dh, on other hand, was happy to become a sahd, agreed beforehand. Similarly, we both knew we were the kind of people who need time alone so we always agreed we would share responsibilities. This meant even when dh was sahd we had some childcare which meant he was happy to let me have some time off on weekends.

The problem with asking people who have children is that it's very hard to regret the decision when it would mean these little people who you come to love more than you could.imagine wouldn't exist.

But from what you say, I think you may be better off sticking with no. You can't make a decision now based on a regret you MAY feel in 10 years.

I never wanted children (even though I love kids and work with them). DH wasn't fussed either. Now we have four!

Your own kids are much better than everyone else's. True story.

But equally, I have friends who have fabulous lifestyles, kid free. They adore ours and their relatives kids, it just wasn't for them. I respect that.

Before we married, I told DH that I wasn't sure I wanted kids. I changed my mind after my first niece was born - because I had such strong feelings of love for her. My eldest is now 18. If I could go back in time, knowing what it would be like, I wouldn't have had kids. I am hoping that there will come a time when I don't feel like this, but we have been through several years of utter, utter hell. Having said that, a friend who was ttc at the same time as me, has never been able to carry a baby to term, and has felt that her life has been empty without children.

All my adult life I never really wanted children. My ex boyfriend on the other hand wanted nothing more and we discussed having a family for many years. We decided to take the plunge and I can honestly say (even after only a month of my baby being born) I am the happiest and most contented I’ve ever been in my life. I adore her and she’s given new meaning to my life.

Everyone’s experiences are different but I am eternally grateful to my ex for persuading me to have a baby.

I wasn’t too fussed never really enjoyed the company of kids in any way but decided to have one and we now have 4 , I love kids now and love our life .

OP if you like the idea of adult children but not little children would you consider adoption, specifically of an older child or teenager?

It’s by no means an easy route to parenthood but it is worth considering.

I had always thought I wanted kids, so when I got pregnant unexpectedly in my 20s, I didn't think it would be that difficult. I was wrong. DD's father didn't stick around and she was diagnosed with autism at the age of 4.

I love her but I'm tired pretty much all of the time, my career has suffered and I struggle hugely with the demands of parenting. I've been on and off antidepressants and in and out of counselling for years. Even though I now have a lovely partner, the bulk of the work still is my responsibility.

So, as much as I love her, knowing what I know now, would I do this again? Absolutely not.

I wish I'd thought as carefully as you before having my DC. I'm introverted, need my own space to think, hate noise and demands of my attention. But I didn't. I had kids because it was the next step after marriage without thinking at all about whether I actually wanted kids.

I regretted it for quite a while, despite loving the DC. They are now teens and I have my own space and time a lot more so feel much happier. But I honestly don't know if all the sacrifice is worth it. The planet certainly doesn't need any more humans and I worry all the time about their future.

Having said all that I do think I would feel my life was empty if I hadn't had them.

It's so difficult. Such a life changing decision and you can't change your mind if you do decide to go ahead.

I was on the fence as my then-partner wanted children. I wasn't so sure.

Ultimately I decided that if I couldn't say that I definitely DID want children, then it had to be a no. We partner and I separated because of it and I can say, hand on heart, that staying child-free was absolutely the right decision for me.

There is more than one way to live a life.

I was never actually on the fence, but looking back I do wonder about my reasons for wanting children.

Seemed like the next step after marriage.
All my friends and relatives were doing it.
Fear of missing out.

In the event we had fertility issues, which of course intensified my longing - what you can’t have always looks more desirable. We never did have kids but I feel my life has worked out OK.

Hi!
Interested in this post. Realise it’s been a while but @panticus what did you decide.

I’m in this boat too!

@OliviaBenson. Did you regret not having children?
I’m find this choice so overwhelming. I want to want children. My DH isn’t keen but never thought I’d not have one.
Sounds like there is possible regrets either way.

@Whatisbest I decided to stay childfree. I'm very happy in my decision and feel very confident that it was the right one for me. This thread was enormously helpful for me at the time, and that is the case for Mumsnet in general too. It is such an eye opener as to what parenthood actually entails - both the good and the bad. I have no doubt that I have missed out on a life experience (and I do believe parents when they say there is no love like it etc) - it is just not something that appeals to me.

Personally, I felt SO much better once I just made a decision and stuck with it. I think you just have to accept that there are pros and cons associated with both decisions, and embrace the path you choose to take. Try to avoid second guessing yourself.

I don't know if you saw it but @sjfjsnfkdhsbd wrote the most amazing post on another thread (here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4208319-To-consider-a-termination-in-these-circumstances?pg=2) about someone considering whether to have a termination. Of course it is not the same context but it really resonated with me and I wonder if you will find it helpful too.

I felt the same as you. In the end we decided to try as we were worried we would regret it if we didnt. I fell pregnant immediately which to be honest was a massive shock and the pregnancy was hard mentally, I resented being immediately completely responsible for the baby and hated having to give up booze, hated getting fat, hated giving up all the food I like. I was worried about the impact on my career.

However when the baby came I did love her and bonded fine. I still don't like other peoples children but when it's yours and they are tiny they are just like an extension of you and honestly it was fascinating seeing them learn and grow and rolling over for the first time and crawling etc...if it was someone elses baby I'd be like 'they are a baby, of course they crawl'!

I found the baby stage ok, I think being a bit older I felt like I'd done a lot of travel and partying so although I missed it, I was prepared for it to be shit. I knew it was going to be hard work and we would have no social life for a while (dont live near family to help). I think if you are realistic about the pros and cons then it is a bit of an easier transition than for people who are convinced it's all going to be playing with a smiling baby and 'making memories' etc. I also think when they are older and leave home I wont fall apart because I have other things to fill my life and children are just one part of it. I see most men think like this but a lot of women are more 'my children are my life' (which is fine, but just not me).

Now they are a bit older I feel like I've got my life back a bit (they are 6 and 3) but I do yearn for time to myself, and I really wish we could do all the things we used to like go skiing and travel to interesting places (in reality some people do make this work, but it's expensive and my kids wouldnt really enjoy it. When we go out for the day to places like the zoo they prefer the park bit of it to looking at animals etc).

I dont think overall people that have children are any happier. It's hard work, it's expensive, its knackering, there are lots of worries (eg my 3 year old is mega fussy, my 6 year old is very angry since the last lockdown, I'm not sure what to do about either), and the ratio of drudgery to really fun or happy moments is high.

But there are positives, and once they are there they just become part of your family and most people wouldn't wish them away.

I'm not sure about the 'you've got to be 100pc sure before you have them', because really, no one knows what they are going to be like as a parent. Even people with extensive knowledge and experience of children eg nursery teachers are shocked how different it is looking after their own. I know people who were desperate for kids and found it much more gruelling than they expected, and I know people who were upset at getting pregnant accidentally and now think it's the best thing they ever did. It's a complete gamble really!

The one bit of advice I would give anyone considering having a child, is really think about if your husband is the kind of person that is likely to do their fair share. I know you can never predict what kind of a parent they will be (though what their parents are like should give you a clue,) but does he do his fair share of chores currently? Does he have hobbies that your social lives have to work around? If he doesnt pull his weight now it's ok when it's just you two but the resentment will kill you when you have a baby.

I'd advise anyone to sit down and bottom out things like
*how you will share maternity leave (I'd recommend sharing some of it, it stops you becoming the default parent, and the dad not being able to put the baby to bed because 'they don't settle for him' etc and also means he would be settling the baby into nursery which is tricky when you're trying to get back into the swing of work)
*how will household chores be split on maternity leave (have heard of some men expecting their wife with a newborn who hasnt managed to go for a wee or have a shower that day because the baby wont be put down, to have done all the housework and have dinner on the table

• how will you split free time and hobby time. For example if your husband goes to the gym every day after work, what will happen when the baby comes. Some people cant wait to get home and give the baby a bath and give the mum a break and others feel like they've been at work all day, the mum has been 'sitting on their arse' and they deserve a break and should get to go to the gym.
• what about night feeds, will both of you do this, because both of you expect to be tired when you've got a young baby, or would he expect you to do it all, no matter how tired you are, even if you get a baby that wakes every hour, because you're off on maternity leave and that's your 'job', and he couldn't possibly be tired for work *When you go back to work, how will you both change your working hours or days to make sure you share nursery pick ups and drop offs, how will you share emergency days off when the baby gets sick etc

Because having a baby is hard, but having a baby with a partner who doesn't do their share is shit

Wow. Thank you for your reply. I realise this thread is nearly 3 years ago.

I’m very much struggling with the decision. It’s very overwhelming. And I am second guessing myself. My worry is about regret in reference about not doing it. But that desire just isn’t there.

Unfortunately the link you sent isn’t working. I’ll see if I can source it though.

Mumsnet has been helpful in my debate. I hate being a woman.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick thanks for this.
My husband isn’t keen to have a baby but would if I did. He worries how we’ll cope mentally and physically. I’m late 30s. He’s late 40s.

The main bulk of things would naturally fall to me.