If you were on the fence about having kids, how did things work out for you?

[panticus]

I'd love to hear from those of you who found it hard to decide whether or not to have kids. Did you end up deciding to take the plunge, or to stay childfree? And how do you feel about that decision now?

I'm now 33.5 years old and am finding it so hard to decide what to do! Husband and I are very happily married and to be honest, don't have any strong desire to have kids. But I know that I need to make a decision one way or another relatively soon given my age. Being a totally over-analytical type I have put far too much time into considering the pros and cons and am still undecided.

On the pro side, the key points are:

• I quite like the idea of having an adult child. I have a great relationship with my parents and my in-laws (who are dear friends), and would love the idea of this continuing through another generation.
• We are financially comfortable and could afford childcare etc so I would not need to be a SAHP (also, parents and in-laws would be very supportive in terms of providing care etc).

On the con side:

• To be perfectly frank, I don't enjoy the company of children Maybe it is due to me being an introvert, but their constant demands and the noise levels completely wear me down. I have nieces and nephews and most of my close friends already have kids, so have spent a lot of time around them.
• I don't have any burning desire to have them. Friends with kids have told me not to have them unless I am 100% sure, but I find that somewhat challenging to digest (particularly as I am quite sure that most of them weren't 100% themselves).

I've read a lot of material about kids v no kids both on MN and the internet more generally, but a lot of people seem to feel so strongly either way - ie they either knew from a young age that they couldn't wait to start a family or that they never ever wanted kids. I feel somewhere in the middle - I really don't know what "my heart is telling me to do", as the advice so often suggests

Did anyone else feel the same way? How did it work out?

DH as quite happy just with the two of us. I wanted children but wasn't sure I would cope or be a good mother.

I did push him into it. We had years of infertility and miscarriages while ttc. He wanted to give up and I didn't. I think it did nearly break our marriage and I'm not convinced we would have stayed together if we had failed because he quit. I think I would have reluctantly left and carried on with a donor.

Eventually we had DD who is now 7. He is a great dad, which I expected, and I am a better mum than I expected. No regrets here

if you have cracks, a baby will blow them apart

This is so true. DH and and I were rock solid and it still nearly broke us. We do argue more, usually about differences in child wrangling, there is no way we would still be together if things were shaky to start with.

I was on the fence. Could have taken or left them. H wanted them badly. My career was in full swing and I didn’t want to affect that.

I agreed to have DC on the basis that H announced that he would “let’s face it - be more of a Mummy than you will,” his actual words, which I took as him wanting to be a SAHD.

Well how naive we were. The mother’s role is so strongly and irreversibly the mother’s and there is no getting away from that.

And from the moment DD1 was born, H was overwhelmed and did fuck all. Less than other people, in fact - never mind being a “mother,” or a SAHD. He just did not have the DNA to be co-operative, supportive to me or helpful and it came completely out of the blue as he was otherwise very much hands on with the home regarding cooking and cleaning etc.

It changed everything, as overnight my responsibilities became 100x more. Not only was I trying to work and earn money, and look after my parents, I was breastfeeding, dealing with birth injuries, anaemia, no sleep.

I felt completely out of control of my own life, my own survival and their survival. I thought I couldn’t possibly look after my parents, my children and keep my job - alone.

Since that particular choice was already made, I figured I had changed my life anyway, so had two more over the years. H convinced me he would change several times too but it never happened.

I don’t regret it, but I feel like I was very naive to just take someone’s word that they would be 100% supportive and an equal in what was supposed to be a joint responsibility. And I love the DC to bits and feel the need to protect and nurture them
so strongly that every day it’s painful to me that I am only just managing to provide the resources to do so.

I am also not that happy, calm, mostly anxiety - free person I was working on becoming before I had them. I am extremely anxious. I feel that anything could happen to me and my family at any time. Money is tight, the DC get ill, but so do I.

If you are undecided I would warn you that if anything happens that is not how you envisaged, it’s more often than not (and I hate to make the stereotype, but it’s so common) entirely on you. Entirely. You are the backstop when the baby won’t stop crying, when the DC are ill, in making all decisions, when something happens to them. The weight of responsibility is epic. Sometimes your tank is so utterly empty that you are on your knees with exhaustion, but they require you to take years off your own life meeting their needs first and foremost.

I look in the mirror and see a shadow of my former easy going self. But then I also see a much stronger person.

I feel like I have found my tribe on this thread I'm about to head to bed (Southern Hemisphere) but I have found everyone's replies so helpful, so thank you for sharing. Will update tomorrow with some further thoughts and questions but in the meantime I'd love to keep hearing from you all!

OP, there are lots of threads like yours on here. Have a read. And don't sound apologetic for being 'over-analytical' -- having a child is a huge decision, and I find people doing something so enormous unthinkingly (or without discussing how childcare will work, how both partners work can be made more flexible to work around a sick child etc etc) much harder to understand.

I had never had the slightest interest in having a child, and had been together for many years with an equally uninterested DH -- we decided to ttc after a brief period of 'now or never' thinking when I was almost 40, but were quite happy with the idea that it would not happen, and clear that we were not interested in pursuing IVF or adoption. To our total shock, I conceived the first time we had unprotected sex, and our son is now six, and just gorgeous and funny and clever, and annoying etc etc.

I adore him and don't regret having him for a moment, but am well aware my life would have been differently good without a child. I never considered having a second -- my career is far too important to me to take out another slice of time, and I loathed maternity leave.

But I am a good mother, and I think that the kind of sentimental tripe some posters often come up with that suggests that ambivalence means you aren't 'maternal' enough to be a parent is complete nonsense.

But do look at all the other threads. This comes up regularly.

Great Post, OP. I think it's healthy to have this conversation. One that generations of the past did not have, and which meant a lot of women were woefully unprepared for the reality of motherhood.

I never wanted children and then panicked age 39 and had DS (currently 11mths) just 5mths before I turned 40.

He is the absolute centre of my world, I love him more than anything BUT it’s been much harder than I ever imagined and honestly I’m not sure we made the right decision. I’m in the minority that it hasn’t negatively affected me and DP apart from the obvious of having no time together anymore. However it has affected me greatly. My anxiety is almost debilitating, I cry most days, I’m absolutely exhausted, it’s constant full on worry and stress.
He’s a gorgeous funny amazing little boy but the constant whinging and bugs and teething and lack of sleep has me on my knees.
I mourn the life we had and could have had together.

@hilbil21 all the best to you and your little one. I find the not knowing really difficult with them both but even little bits of progress make me so happy. The one with more issues has just started pointing and it makes me so happy every time he does it.

OP, it is so hard to decide. I think it was my mum’s death at 61 that pushed me over the edge on it. Just wish we had done it sooner now, we wasted a lot of years not doing much of any substance to be honest.

I’m not sure I have the right type of personality to be a great Mum - I am too much of a perfectionist and question whether I am doing a good enough job every single day, whether my sons’ issues are my fault in some way and wouldn’t be so bad if I’d been a better Mum. No one prepared me for the fact that the overriding emotion of motherhood can be guilt, and how hard that can be. But I wouldn’t be without them for a second. In fact I’m more broody now than I ever was before I had them.

@MaryShelley1818 are you getting any help for your anxiety? I was exactly the same when my twins were small, I didn’t realise how unwell I was at the time and can only see it in retrospect. It doesn’t have to be like this and there is help available - please reach out to someone, it’s a terrible way to feel. It won’t be like this forever.

OP, I am very similar to you personality wise. We had DS after I had cancer. dH and I had been together a while, weren't sure if children were on the cards, but the possibility of not having them made us realise that it would be a loss in our lives. People were genuinely shocked when I announced I was pregnant, because I was so not maternal or any associated word! I'm still not a fan of children as a whole, and some days I really wish I could have a lie in but I can't imagine now knowing my little guy. If you have supportive in laws and parents close by, even better! DH and I don't have any support so we can't go out for a meal or shopping without taking DS with us which can get tiring.

@SinkGirl thank you for the kind post (crying again now!! Lol!)
I’m not getting any help although a couple of friends have suggested I should (in a caring and supportive way).
When DS is well and happy I feel like everything is perfect but when he’s crying/upset/poorly I really struggle. He was poorly for about 7wks non stop recently (tonsillitis, virus, cold, sickness and diarrhoea, teething and finally Salmonella) and I was pushed to the brink.
I now get stomach churning fear if he so much as sniffs as I can’t go through it again. Not a good place when I’m back to work on Tuesday and he’s starting nursery where he’ll pick up all sorts!!
We’re getting married in 4wks and the fear of him being poorly is totally overshadowing any excitement.

Mary, I think you should go very easy on yourself a poorly small baby, returning to work and getting married would be a lot on the plate of someone who had robust MH. I agree that you should seek help for your anxiety, but I would also say that it may be that returning to work is absolutely the single best thing you could be doing. I absolutely hated maternity leave, and it made me feel isolated and anxious everything settled into place far more when DS was settled with his childminder, especially when I realised he would do things in her house that he had never done for me, like go to sleep alone, and was really benefiting from being around other children. He's six now, and averagely challenging in a cheeky way, but nothing has ever been as hard as the small baby stage.

And congratulations on getting married.

MaryShelley you may benefit a lot from going on tablets. It dampens the anxiety considerably. As I said upthread, I had PND and the tablets helped me more than anything else. In fact, without the tablets I don't think it would have eased for years. As it was, I was only in them for 6 months and felt so much better than when I came off them I was my old self again. Totally worth it.

@Mary - I completely understand. One of my twins was in nicu for two months. Within a few days of him coming home it was obvious he was sick. Then we had to call an ambulance as he was floppy and unresponsive - the hospital said he had bronchiolitis and it would get worse, so they sent us home and told us to come back when he got worse. Spent five days watching him 24/7 between us, then 11 nights in HDU with me (not) sleeping in a chair next to his bed.

It really affected me for a long time - I was terrified of them getting sick, the anxiety was crushing.

They’re 2 now and I still have some anxiety but nothing like it was.

"Friends with kids have told me not to have them unless I am 100% sure"

I profoundly agree with that.
I grew up never wanting kids, then did much want them for 10 yrs before I had one. Always never sure I should have them, which I think is on the fence as much as can be. I ended up with 4.

I'm not as good a parent as I hoped to be.
I gravitate to sites like MN where everyone eagerly reminds you frequently how you're not a good parent.
I hate organising other people's lives. (DC's time and commitments)
I had sleep issues to manage before kids, made much worse by babies (never recovered).

It's all very tiresome, I could have been very happy without this grief. But I couldn't know that before hand. Your gamble either way.

*Teenagers are fun, though, much as they hurt you & drive you crazy, they are almost my favourite age.

Tbh, when a woman in her mid-thirties, in a happy relationship, says she's "on the fence" about having a child, it always ends in at least trying to have one. I have never seen it end any other way. The ones who really don't want children know it.

Yep I'm with Tawdry on that. I was ambivalent and wouldn't have been heartbroken if it hadn't happened, but met my (then future) DH at almost 35 and had two before I was 39.5. It's relentless and I'm tired (youngest is two months old), but honestly, if I were a couple of years younger I'd go for a third.
Still not too fussed about other people's though!

Wholeheartedly agree with TomDonaldson’s post.

I wasn't that bothered , in fact, I was really swaying towards not having any but I did and now have a 2 year old.
If I was to be brutally honest I do regret it. I think I love him but I just haven't "clicked" yet and had such an amazing life beforehand that I miss that aspect so much . Everyone will probably say it gets better.......but it's not happened for me yet. Sorry , I'm sure I'm in the massive minority and wish I felt differently but then don't. I just lead one big lie
X

Neither me or dh wanted children when we got together then aged 36 going on 37 dh suddenly became broody. We discussed it and I having read lots of articles on declining fertility agreed to try for 6 months. 7 weeks later, I got up for work and vomited all over the bedroom carpet. What I thought was a sickness bug turned out to be morning sickness. I'm now 41 with a 3 year old and an almost 5 month old. They are amazing, wonderful and drive me up the wall but I wouldn't be without them for anything. I had a mental health breakdown after dc1 was born, a combination of his arrival, NICU stay and issues of my own I'd done my best to ignore which was unpleasant but we made it through.

I vomited a lot, I've had two emergency sections, I've been vomited on a lot. I'm not sure I've had a good night's sleep in around four years but they make me laugh more than they make me cry and in hindsight it was the right decision for us.

OP what stands out is that you are financially comfortable and have a lot of family support on hand. IMO one of the biggest stressors of parenting is financial. Many women feel run ragged but cannot afford to go PT or not work at all. You sound like you can afford choices and will have family who want to spend time with the baby so you will be able to get a break too. I would go for it. My cousin was like you, had no desire for children, travelled the world and had a great career. Something happened in her early 40's and she suddenly felt distraught that she didn't have any, went through several years of unsuccessful IVF then her marriage broke up.

I strongly disagree with canyouhearthedrums that if you have support nearby and are financially stable you should "go for it"!

I absolutely didn't want children at all. I have one (decided to because was very very happy in relationship and it was about wanting a child with him than wanting a child)andam happy. I don't want more and have no interest in children or babies that aren't mine. Kind of wish I had a second but that's purely for my child's sake not for mine.

OP I would ask yourself the following:

Do you want to experience a different kind of love you've never felt before in your life? To absolutely adore another human being so much you know if anything happened to them you would never recover? For every day to be full of lovely moments (smiles, hugs, kisses, a sticky little paw taking your hand and saying 'I love you Mummy'), for every to have frustrating moments (woken in the night, mess, tears, shouting) and to know if your child was unhappy your heart would be broken too.

OR

Do you want to have nice holidays, meals out, time for hobbies, time for friends, smart clothes, no breaks in your career, plenty of sleep and regular sex but never experience that wonderful but terrifying love in your life.

There's no right or wrong answer and only you know the answer.

I agree @thinkingcapon
We have loads of support and we’re financially stable but it’s so much bigger than that.