Giving birth - I wish I knew...

[inretrospect]

I wanted to put together a lift of the things that I'd wish I'd known before giving birth. I'm hoping that this can help me and others by talking openly about it.

I know a couple of FTMs (me included) who struggled a lot postpartum and I genuinely think that I would've felt a lot easier if I'd been more prepared about after the birth.

I'll start:

if you don't feel that OVERWHELMING love for your child as soon as they're placed on you, you are not a bad mother/heartless daemon. I will admit, it took me a while to form that "bond" that everyone talks about.

DD was placed on me after a 36 hour labour, episiotomy and ventouse. I looked at my big squished baby and went 'oh fucking hell she's ginormous' (wasn't actually that ginormous in hindsight - 8.7lb)

Anyone else?

The birth was a piece of piss compared to BF

The wind, my god I was farting like a trooper, apparently normal as your bowel has been squashed and pulled during labour.
That epidurals aren't always effective as I found out with my first. Second birth was a breeze on gas and air.
That my whole body was shaking after both births, adrenaline is a mysterious thing!

That things can go from low risk to life threatening in minutes. That if a baby’s head is in the wrong position he ain’t coming out! When he tries it will feel like a lorry is driving over your pelvis. Epidurals can nearly kill you. Surgeons can assume if you’ve had an epidurual you can’t feel a thing and just start cutting! That they can get a baby out in 5 minutes. That inability to breast feed is not about lack of support sometimes your body just can’t do it. Labour can leave you infertile. People are dismissive of less that perfect birth experiences, actually the fact me and the baby survived (just) is not all that matters. It would take me 6 months to bond with my son. The trauma of my sons birth would destroy my life for many years and at times leave me suicidal. Things going wrong is very common.

Saw someone mentioned the post birth chills and had forgotten those. Both times - I turned into a shaking mess completely incapable of holding baby.

It's really fucking sore.

That there would be a lot of blood about for ages afterwards

That your feet can grow 1-2 sizes and not go back to the way they were before

That ELCS is a very chilled op and you can be on your feet doing stuff so quickly afterwards

How much it would actually hurt. I know it should be expected, but I have a really high pain tolerance and really didn't think it would be that bad. Didn't help that it went on for 36 hours mind, and that until the last 5 hours the hospital refused to give me any pain relief except for codeine! Thats another actually, I wish I had known to expect to have to fight the staff to get pain relief, they seemed to view me as nothing but a nuisance until they did the switch change in the morning, at which stage they admitted me and got me medicated straight away, whilst apologising that their colleagues were unhelpful.

How much blood there would be afterwards.

And the one that I beat myself up about for ages, and still feel bad about now sometimes, that its also totally normal to NOT have the overwhelming rush of love that others describe. I thought this happened to everyone and thought there was something wrong with me when it never happened.

.. how much better a planned section was than a natural labour and that I had the choice to have one first time round

You learn a lot about yourself and others around you those few weeks after birth. It's a telling time.

And bear in mind also that you don't become a different person. You're still you. A mother, but still you. Chances are if you weren't an Earth Mother before birth you won't become one afterwards.

Another fan of sections here too.

I also didn't know I would not be allowed to leave the hospital until I had had a poo. I wanted to be home so badly that I just lied and said I had had one and that it had been fine. I didn't actually poo until 3 days later

That you swell up to literally 3 times your original size.
And one for the second time mums:- the mother fucking after pains! I thought I was having a delayed twin!

How itchy stitches are.

Also how quick it can happen. Everyone was warning me of really long labours and making sure I got rest when I could etc. Mine was so quick baby and I went into shock

That if your baby is in nicu you have to go home without them. Leaving hospital is really hard.

That on day 3 I'd turn into a gibbering wreck. For about 2 hours. I sent dp out for a new breast pump after throwing mine at the wall because it wasn't fucking working... the poor bloke was terrified to come home in case id hurt myself. Thankfully it was over as quick as it started but i was terrified of myself for a while.

• No matter how difficult people tell you it will be, nothing can prepare you for the reality of how difficult it is being a parent.

• That my larger first trimester breasts would be accompanied by back fat when I'd barely gained any weight.

• How wonderful epidurals are.

• That the milk my body was designed to nourish my baby with could make her sick instead.

@PlaymobilPirate

Oh gawd yeah the 3rd day crying all day thing at everything and nothing, that somehow my husband knew about but I didn't.

I didnt feel the bond for quite a long time with my first - some months I think. Which was a source of great guilt to me. I'd lost my first pregnancy and it was so viscerally painful I thought my first child would be an instant and recognisable passion. But I found motherhood, a very cryey baby dependent on me, excruitiatibgky painful breast feeding, the whole caboodle overwhelmingly hard. I was lonely and isolated.

There have been many other challenges along the way but none match teenage years trying to get them motivated, considerate on track with school etc whilst becoming more independent and having their own lives.

I'm sitting here now with my first born - the person in the world I am most happy, content and in tune with. She's 18 now and a golden, easy going, quirky creative person. I am blessed. The flesh and blood unflinching love was there all along - just was blinded by the shock and exhaustion of birth.

And then her brother came along and knocked me dead with his charm, intelligence and humour. And all of those hormonal nonsenses that cut you off dead without a thought. The challenges keep coming but so does the love and pride.

If you're staying in hospital and a midwife offers to take the baby so that you can have some rest, say YES!! I only said yes because my sister had told me this happened to her. In my slightly crazy state I was scared to hand over my baby, but ultimately was soooooo glad to get those few hours of sleep.

I didn't realise after my waters broke, 6 hours before the baby arrived, I'd have a constant flow of water from 2cm like a tap, my sheets on the pre birth ward had to be changed, everything was soaking, they put me on plastic and it had to be towel dried lots of times. I've heard it doesn't happen to everyone.

I have two children. Two very different births but interventions with both. Hated being in labour: lots of vomit, blood and gore.
BUT my colleague has two children and only needed paracetamol with the first and NOTHING with the second so sometimes it all goes nicely and any time I tell my labour mini horror stories I tell people about her at the end to balance it out.

Bouledeneige - I'd had losses before dd too, I think it can actually prevent bonding. My own experience I think I was kinda scared to bond with her 'just in case' not helped by her being so poorly when born. My dd almost 18. Conversely I found late primary age by far the hardest stage. She's always been fiercely independent but she was determined at this point to be allowed to do stuff she just wasn't ready for. This also timed in with the worst period re her disability until we FINALLY got a dx but she also railed against what she needed to do related to that (partly understandably as she hated being 'different' to her friends) horrible time.

that it's possible to have a very wide range of experiences in the newborn period- anything from it being utterly shit, to it being the most blissful experience ever. Which one you have is no reflection on you, your mothering abilities, or what motherhood will be like later. I've had 3 kids and three totally different experiences ranging from severe depression (DC1) to out and out elation (DC3) with the middle one somewhere in between. My relationships with them all now are no different.

That I could shit in front of 5 people and not give a damn. In hindsight, whilst I had been told how painful birthing would be I never took into account that we all have different thresholds of pain. At one point while pacing the room trying to relieve the pain I had to tell the nurse to stop making me laugh so hard because it was making the pain worse.

There is one memory though that will forever stay with me - the incredible sense of love and pure joy looking at my child in his crib when the obstetrician, nurses and hubby left after the birth. That first moment alone with him was perfect happiness.

That breathing exercises really do help with the pain ( I still do them if I have toothache) and that the urge to push is so strong when that instinct kicks in. And the addictive smell of new babies' heads.