Giving birth - I wish I knew...

[inretrospect]

I wanted to put together a lift of the things that I'd wish I'd known before giving birth. I'm hoping that this can help me and others by talking openly about it.

I know a couple of FTMs (me included) who struggled a lot postpartum and I genuinely think that I would've felt a lot easier if I'd been more prepared about after the birth.

I'll start:

if you don't feel that OVERWHELMING love for your child as soon as they're placed on you, you are not a bad mother/heartless daemon. I will admit, it took me a while to form that "bond" that everyone talks about.

DD was placed on me after a 36 hour labour, episiotomy and ventouse. I looked at my big squished baby and went 'oh fucking hell she's ginormous' (wasn't actually that ginormous in hindsight - 8.7lb)

Anyone else?

The second time around I was more relaxed and confident. I remember being on the bed / sofa thing (was a MLU) with the midwife, trainee midwife & head midwife all watching my Fanjo between contractions....... I muttered politely something about being crowded and they all left for 15 mins, which was bliss. Gave me and DP time to take stock and for him to give me a pep talk then I was ready.

I loved my MLU experience and would recommend to anyone who wanted to give it a go.

I wish people told me about the pain you would feel afterwards with trying to walk and sit down! That going to the loo the first time would hurt like hell. That you want to cry at everything even seeing a puppy in distress on the telly! The list goes on.. but this is good conversation that a midwife should have with you during pregnancy because I fell they 'try' to prepare you for labour and birth but afterward your kind of left to deal deal with this new 'normal' on your own/with your other half.

The birth was a piece of piss compared to BF

And for me birth was pretty horrible but breastfeeding was easy. Which is why (if you want to breastfeed) you should go into both birth and breastfeeding with a 'prepare for the worst but hope for the best' attitude - neither of them are made any better by starting off terrified. On the other hand, you want to know what your options are if it's clearly not going well.

That when you have a section you still bleed for a few weeks afterwards. I naively thought that if they were going in there they would at least hoover everything out as sort of compensation! Was really gutted to have heavy bleeding that night when bed bound and sore.

I genuinely see a selflessness in parents, especially in the workplace - family becomes everything to them

I tend to see the opposite - parents who become selfish colleagues because they think their priorities (annual leave in school holidays, always off over Christmas, unable to assist with evenings or weekends etc) should be your priorities too. I’m all for being as flexible as possible to help my colleagues who are parents but one of mine has been given the week over Christmas off three years on the trot because ‘Christmas is for kids’ and as a parent she needs to be given time with her family. One of the things that puts me off having children is the fear that I’ll become one of those people who think you only really have meaning in your life if you have a baby

I wish if known about....

Night sweats, for weeks afterwards!!!!!

How important it is to drink loads and eat lots of fruit and veg after a c section. That first poo! Oh. My. Christ. Didn’t make that mistake second time round!

That life will just never be the same again. I know people tell you this but I wish if known just how different!

Likewise tiredness. No one knows tiredness until you’ve had kids.

There’s countless more, premature babies, nursing skills, constant worry, patience testing, sanity questioned etc etc

The placenta doesn't always want to come out. It took an hour to deliver mine, and for the whole hour it was like a continuous, energy sapping low level contraction. All the while I was bleeding, I'd torn a bit and they wouldn't stitch it until the placenta was done, they put a catheter in to try and help get the thing out, and I just couldn't move. It was worse than labour and I couldn't hold my baby comfortably through that time.

Also I pushed upright but if was a very intense labour and the pushing contractions were so intense that I couldn't fully engage with them. I was adamant I wasn't giving birth lying down on my back, but as soon as I lay down the edge came off the intensity and dc was out in two pushes. I gripped the bed so tightly during my hour of pushing that I could hardly walk afterwards, my whole body hurt.

I lost blood so I had to stay in for iron levels to be monitored even though I was up and about and feeling wonderful after the first night. It was the weekend and it was busy so I spent an extra night in hospital because there were no doctors to look at my results and discharge me.

Dc1 was premature and I was really unwell. Be coming a mother doesn't always happen in a happy way. Sometimes you can't hold your baby for days, if you're not well you might not even see them for days, and they spend weeks in hospital.

After my healthy birth with dc2, who stayed with me and who I held all day for days, I was overwhelmed at what an intensely visceral, pure feeling that can be.

Recovery from my c section was so much easier than recovery from a pretty straightforward birth.

Oh Christ if forgotten about after pains and the amount of blood!!

ohanami oh yes I too remember the revelation it is to hold your baby immediately after birth. First baby it was five weeks until I held him without any wires or tubes attached. So different second time around.

I will never forget with my very first baby having had a straightforward birth heading off to the toilet for a wee. I thought someone had set fire to my vagina.........

Nightsweats and how long the bleeding goes on for!

Oh god yes and the post partum first poo!
Weeing didn't hurt but I had a catheter for a while so I guess that took the edge off!

I had a lot of stitches both inside and out after an episiotemy (that they didn't even warn me about, they just did it!) and I swear, the first couple of weeks, every time I needed a wee I had to do it in the bath, whilst pouring warm water over myself at the same time..I felt so gross really, but anything for less pain. The itchiness was horrendous too.

That more people share horror stories about giving birth than good stories which is why you mostly find stories of scary births posted online. I used to be terrified of giving birth but actually, when it came to it, giving birth was fine - painful, yes, but not the horrific blood bath of my nightmares! I always feel like I have to be quite apologetic about my relatively quick and straightforward birth but I’m coming to realise actually great births aren’t that uncommon they just don’t seem to be spoken about as much! That tearing and stitches were nowhere near as bad as I’d imagined. Although I probably found being stitched the worst part!

That the hormonal crash your expecting at day 4/5 might not happen. Apart from the extreme tiredness, I felt on top of the world emotionally for the first few weeks. I crashed a few weeks later when I spent the afternoon in bed crying as I wanted everyone to fuck off - we’d had a constant stream of ‘helpful’ vistors.

Night sweats - eugh!

That you might feel your contractions in your back rather than your stomach. Mine were in my back and radiated down my hips and thighs. Didn’t expect that!

That when people say you’ll know when you’re in labour, you really will.

For DS2, once the horror of contractions is over and you are instructed to push, how much it stings. Like a swarm of bees on my privates all stinging at once. 1st one was epidural so I felt nowt when pushing.

The bastard postpartum night sweats!!!!!

I wish someone had forewarned me about the dreaded "Mother's Apron" following a c section.

Hopefully things have improved since I had my dd but nobody mentioned this would happen due to stomach muscles being cut through. No advice re exercises to try and improve things.

25 years later and despite being a pretty slim size 12 plus exercising twice daily, I still have that annoying little overhang. 😟. (Shallow I know!!)

Good job I adore our DD who has added so much to our lives.

That having a c-section is brilliant.

This might sound ridiculous, but I wasn't expecting to feel the actual head so clearly as it started to come down. I was expecting there to be just a load of vague general pain, but clearly feeling a big hard object arriving at the wrong end of my vagina was a momentary shock to the point where I think I actually said 'What the fuck is THAT?!' to the midwife

That being at home would make it all so much less scary than I'd anticipated and that there would be so much laughter in between the pains. I saw both my best friends that day, wept with laughter watching DH and my friend trying to attach the hose for the birth pool to the tap, sent DH to the chip shop at lunchtime - I know it's not for everyone but a home birth was awesome for me.

I've not read past the first post. But I wish I'd have known it's not always the scary experience people make it out to be. Yes it may be bad for some but not everyone. People insist on telling you the most awful things. I personaly had 3 births and all were drama free, no instruments, no tearing and a little gas and air. I wouldn't consider myself as someone with a high pain threshold but It seems to be taboo to even talk about an easy birth. So ladies, if it's your first time please don't worry. It's not always doom and gloom.

I’ll go the other way and say that having a c section made me feel like I was being drawn and quartered. It was horrendous!

That your milk coming in is excruciating. I was staying in hospital with my premature twins. I had to run into town to buy a more supportive bra. I could have kissed the woman in M&S who fitted me with it.

How much you will love your children. It’s unbearable at times.

That people will bring flowers. Bastarding bouquets of them and then sit on your sofa waiting for fucking tea and biscuits. And you will make them the sodding tea. Slowly. Then every few minutes they’ll nod knowingly because your baby needs changing and they remember that funny “doing a poo” face so well and you’ll bow to their better judgement, run off to the changing table and undress the baby who is now crying at the injustice and there will be no poo. There never is. Then they leave and there’s no more vases left and you need do something with the flowers but you hurt and are so fucking tired. You will cry about the flowers.

The birth plan I’d made was not considered, in any way.

They were short staffed and the midwife kept telling me “I was no where” near (after being induced). At 2pm is he said I should get off the bed and take a shower....DS was vorn at 15.55 and DH only just got there in time. No one had examined me and I had no pain relief beyond 2x Paracetamol. It was chaotic and upsetting.

Oooops! Have had a couple of 🍷🍷 already. Sorry for typos!

Anyway, it was fucking awful. DS was “in distress” and I swear I was in a state of shock more than anything else.

That labour pain was nothing compared to the after-pains (for me anyway). And that the after-pains last for days to weeks.