Giving birth - I wish I knew...

[inretrospect]

I wanted to put together a lift of the things that I'd wish I'd known before giving birth. I'm hoping that this can help me and others by talking openly about it.

I know a couple of FTMs (me included) who struggled a lot postpartum and I genuinely think that I would've felt a lot easier if I'd been more prepared about after the birth.

I'll start:

if you don't feel that OVERWHELMING love for your child as soon as they're placed on you, you are not a bad mother/heartless daemon. I will admit, it took me a while to form that "bond" that everyone talks about.

DD was placed on me after a 36 hour labour, episiotomy and ventouse. I looked at my big squished baby and went 'oh fucking hell she's ginormous' (wasn't actually that ginormous in hindsight - 8.7lb)

Anyone else?

That none of your family will remember what its like to go through labour and come home with a newborn absolutely shattered and unable to get it to sleep but then helpfully wil sit there with the baby zonked out in their arms and say 'but he's fast asleep now' while you make tea .

That you bleed so much after birth esp standing up a few hours after c section.

That health visitors are useless (sorry) and make you feel like you are getting everything wrong.

That when they say you will be tired they mean you will hallucinate about crickets

That you all of a sudden loathe your MIL for existing

That you won’t give a single shit about stripping naked in front of the midwives. I was getting in that pool as quickly as I could - my clothes flew off! Nor will you care about them spending a significant time looking up your foof as they stitch you back together.

That labour was easier than I thought it would be.

But then breastfeeding was a complete nightmare and my body seemed incapable of it.

That a mother's default setting is guilt. I feel guilty about everything! Guilty for not working for six months, guilty for going back to work, guilty for taking my LO out for the day, guilty for staying in the house...

That really took me by surprise when I became a mum. That, and that I suddenly loved this little bundle so much that I became terrified anything bad would happen to her! Ooof, the anxiety.

That breastfeeding is more painful and upsetting than anything to do with labour (for me, at least).

And that I would genuinely find my baby funny. She often makes me laugh out loud as her personality is showing through, and it's a total delight.

That being induced won’t always take days. Got induced for OC, told probably 4-5 day process. First pessary went in and an hour later BAM 5-6 contractions in 10 minutes. 10 hours later she was born. Didn’t even get to eat any of the snacks or watch the films I’d got. Hmph.

Also I wish someone had explained that an epidural made recovery more challenging, you can’t get up for hours after and have to have a catheter. I had my epidural when I was 10cm, wish I hadn’t bothered as started pushing as soon as it was in. I hated not being able to get to her easily and move around and couldn’t sleep because of the catheter.

Also wish I’d known about what to look out for after. I had a secondary pph due to retained placenta and didn’t even know that could happen. I’d written the horrendous pain I was in off as ‘heartburn’.

With that I also think you know your body better than anyone else. If you think something’s not right speak up and get a second opinion.

That you will shit on the floor

I had never heard of post partum night sweats. I soaked through the bed sheets with night sweats for about two weeks

I've not read the above but. The AFTERBIRTH! I had a natural home birth, literally was so happy when baby was born that I didn't think twice about the after birth. The contractions began again and I thought I was dying because I forgot about it, no1 ever really mentions it. I found it horrific but I think it's because it was such a surprise and I didn't realise (my stupid fault) that I had to give birth again! And you're just so knackered!

That I'd not be able to walk very far due to leg muscle pain (rather than the stitches etc). I hadn't thought about how long I'd be in weird positions - hands and knees for 12 hours etc!!

Oh also I was terrified of the thought of having an epidural. When it actually happened, things went a bit wrong and I had to have one. It was really straightforward, by the time I was pushing I could feel the contractions (but not painfully), and could walk for a shower within an hour of her being out. All my nightmares in advance about being trapped blah blah, were nonsense.

If I had another one (I won't), the only thing on my birth plan would be 'epidural'.

That the stitches almost hurt as much as the labour 😖 ( when going for a wee)
I was in awe and in total love with my boy when he was born and wanted to keep holding him. I was the same with my DD of course but experience told me to never wake a sleeping baby 😂😂

Peeing with a graze was more painful than giving birth and my 3rd degree front to back tear

My mum constantly told me that child birth was easy and felt like period pains - I wish someone had told me that I'd feel like someone was trying to split me open from the inside with a blunt object and that I would actually think I was dying.

I wish I'd known how painful post birth weeing was going to be and how I would sit on the toilet crying because I knew I had to do a poo but was too terrified of the pain (and that my stictches were going to pop).

I wish I'd known that breastfeeding does hurt even if you are doing it right. Also that sometimes when your milk lets down you will feel a rush of emotion and burst into tears.

Afterpains. All the afterpains.

That a elcs was going to be great and straightforward. I also hadn't twigged I would have a baby at the end of it as I lost my previous, so that was a shocker!

Make sure you take stool softners etc as I spent hours trying to poo in crazed panic, a nurse had to put a suppository up there which was surprisingly embarrassing.
The after pains were pretty horrific but to have my body back again was amazing. Only 2 weeks till my next csection and can't wait!
Also being pregnant with a toddler is really hard work.

I wish I knew how your body is afterwards, the whole of your body feels like a jelly mess, you feel like a bomb has gone off in your neither reigns. Your head is all over the place.

They should really explain what happens when you have to have help giving birth, I was cut up to my bum (tmi sorry) I will never forget that feeling of a poo coming and not being able to contact my muscles  it just fell out. You feel like you have been butchered. They really need to inform new mums to be about what happens afterwards.

SpringerLink, I never had 'after pains' nor heard of them!

Poor you .

I wish I knew that my dad was going to turn up to meet his new granddaughter before my epidural had even worn off...so I could have had him stopped. He was excited which was lovely but he intruded on a private moment and should have waited.

So really - I wish I knew not to announce the birth until a few hours later! If there’s a next time, I will do just that.

That five days after birth, when you are your weepiest, some beeeatch with a needle will stab your precious wee baby in the heel.
That when your milk comes in, your tits will start around your back and your arms will not drop close to your sides for months.
That lifting your belly so the midwife can check your section scar is undignified in the extreme.
That when some perfectly groomed health visitor shows up in a navy blue suit, you may not choose to explain your baby has reflux just to see what happens.
That if anyone tells you to sleep when the baby sleeps, it is a bullshit trap and they will openly or secretly be judging the mess that once was your tidy home.

1. No chance of sleep in-between contractions, unless you pass out
2. Passing out between contractions isn't as bad as it sounds, it gives you a bit of relief but you don't realise because you wake up in almighty pain
3. Gas and air can make you sick, so fight harder when the midwife shoves it in your mouth and forces you to breath it in
4. Checking dilation hurts - for me the scariest part
5. Midwives will tell you walking about is best, but if baby is distressed, you're in early labor, something isn't working etc. You will be confined to the bed and it hurts!
6. IF THERE IS SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT IN LABOUR, TELL THEM IMMEDIATELY. My partner laughs at my temper at the hospital, but by telling every midwife, doctor and surgeon that I did not consent to forceps or ventouse, when oxygen levels decreased I got the emergency section I knew I needed.

It’s ok to labour alone, if you choose to. There’s no stigma in it, and you owe nothing to anybody. The peace can be liberating. Of my three labours the most peaceful was the one where I laboured just with a midwife for support.

Not sure if these have been mentioned as I’ve not read the whole thread but

1. Being induced does not necessarily take days.
2. If you’re in pain, make the medical staff aware and don’t try to fight through it.
3. For me, who’s oh brought a book and his phone in the ward and was happily reading away or looking at 9 gags while I was labouring, annoyed the hell out of me!
4. Your Oh joking about sounding like Darth Vader while you’re using gas and air will make you want to beat him over the head with the tube!
5. That I was surprised that I could hand the baby to the midwife or my oh so I could just have a few minutes to myself.
6. That I was terrified of picking her up or moving her in case I dropped her or hurt her, she was a tiny baby!
7. That the tea and toast you have after labour is “the best tea and toast” I have ever consumed!
8. Baby’s do not know how to breastfeed, when offered the breast my LG would stare at it, and get upset when trying to get her to latch, which in turned stressed me out! My LG is 5 months today and is fed formula and expressed breast milk as I was never able to master the latch :-(
9. Do not under any circumstance beat yourself up over not being able to breastfeed or finding it too difficult! There are plenty of positives for and against bottle feeding, so focus on the positives :-)

10. You will wake up after falling asleep, and wonder, where the hell the baby is!! I woke up once thinking the baby was trapped under the covers, after frantically pulling back the duvet and sheets, I looked to the side of the bed to find my LG sleeping happily away in her Moses basket! 11. Even if your baby sleeps through, you will wake up anyway and worry as to why they have not woken up yet or check on them to make sure they’re still breathing. 12. There is loads more, but being a mum, you will love it, hate it, worry about Loving and hating it, feel like everyone else has an opinion, feel like you’re doing a crap job, you will cry over silly things, but it’s worth it!

I wish I'd known that there can be a very long gap between giving birth and getting anything to eat. I ended up not eating for around 36 hours because I had an EMCS, and it really didn't help with the exhaustion of a long labour. I was really exhausted and had low blood sugar. My one tip would be make sure your DH/birth partner knows to go and get you a sandwich from the hospital shop at some point so you can eat when you've given birth.

So much time was spent on preparing mums for labour in the months leading up to the event, that the post birth distress was rarely mentioned.
The bleeding for weeks after giving birth, the stitches, excruciatingly painful breasts, infections and the exhaustion. I cannot recall any health professional mentioning these in any detail. I would rather have been prepared for the post natal phase than all the repetitive pre-natal stuff. But perhaps I am still stuck back in the seventies when I gave birth. Perhaps things have changed since then.

FTM here too - I have sort of prepared myself for next year and what it might bring, the only thing I did find out in the past few years is the placenta has to be delivered too - how? I mean do you get contractions for that too? You never get told that and to be fair it's huge. My mum had some left in her and it's so dangerous!!

That epidurals are actually the best thing ever and there's no prizes for going drug free. I've had three very painful syntocin induced births and only 'gave in' and had the epidural with the last one as it went on so long . Bloody wish I'd had it in the first place it was fabulous I wasn't lying there on my back unable to move as I'd imagined and I was up and about almost straight away after, no downsides. If I was ever to face another induction I'd have that planned from the get go!