Giving birth - I wish I knew...

[inretrospect]

I wanted to put together a lift of the things that I'd wish I'd known before giving birth. I'm hoping that this can help me and others by talking openly about it.

I know a couple of FTMs (me included) who struggled a lot postpartum and I genuinely think that I would've felt a lot easier if I'd been more prepared about after the birth.

I'll start:

if you don't feel that OVERWHELMING love for your child as soon as they're placed on you, you are not a bad mother/heartless daemon. I will admit, it took me a while to form that "bond" that everyone talks about.

DD was placed on me after a 36 hour labour, episiotomy and ventouse. I looked at my big squished baby and went 'oh fucking hell she's ginormous' (wasn't actually that ginormous in hindsight - 8.7lb)

Anyone else?

That I would 'know' at which point of labour to head to the hospital. In hindsight I was 6cm dilated and had already phoned maternity 3 times that day. During the third call, the midwife said to take some paracetamol and have a bath. I had been using a tens machine up until then and didn't realise how good it had been working. After that, the pain started to become unbearable so we went in. I was dreading them saying I was less than 4cm and sent home. Turns out I had left it too long and it was very painful, so painful I could barely walk. DH had to get me a wheelchair at the entrance but I couldn't even sit down and was perched on the edge of the seat. Luckily it was 1am and deserted.

Labour is completely individual and that despite extensive googling during my pregnancy to try and be prepared, I was not expecting an EMCS. I arrived at the hospital to have the delightful check to see how dilated I was. It took 4 attempts by different members of staff to find that my baby was brow presentation (quite rare apparently). I was left for another pointless 4 hours before the decision was made for a c section.

During the c section trying to stop myself panicking that in the next few minutes my life would change forever. My baby was much wanted and planned but I think the c section was so quick that it was very overwhelming.

I wish I hadn't worried so much about labour during my pregnancy. It hung over me during the last trimester but, for me, I just got on with it and tried to stay in control of the pain. Also a tens machine was brilliant!

Contrary to many others.......the first ppp (post-partum poo) may not be as bad as you fear. I had a vaginal birth, was terrified and convinced that it was going to be excruciating and put it off for several days! (Not advised btw). But it was fine.

Not showing off as I've had other issues but ive had 3 babies and never had to pour water on my bits to pee and I can't remember my first shit after any of the children (so it must have been very unremarkable!!)

I second this. I had a second degree tear that they initially thought was third degree so was pretty bad. But even so peeing was fine, I'm assuming pooing was because I don't recall it being that bad. And 2 days after giving birth I went for a nice long walk around town becasue I felt all cooped up.

On the otherhand my sister had an entirely unremarkable birth, no tears out of hospital in 5 hours then stayed in bed for a week because the afterpains made her exhausted.

So ultimately you never can tell how you will feel or how it will all go.

That you pack an over night bag but you could be in hospital for more than one night.
My birthing plan never happened and I ended up with a forceps delivery. I had all the things I needed but the doctors weren't able to confirm how long I would be staying in hospital for.
I was a mess. We had literally just moved house (the day my waters broke) and the baby blues hit me hard on the second day.

That you aren't a failure if you can't breast feed. My DS was on antibiotics and they fed him formula to stretch his stomach as my milk hadn't come in. I tried for 6 weeks. I was so stressed and the HV kept pushing me to try. Never again, I wouldn't put myself through that a second time.

It is one of the best things I've ever done but also the most hardest. We have good days and bad days. We have times when I am really winning at being a mum and times when I want to run off and hide for a bit. We keep going and even though it doesn't seem like it, the days go so fast. I love my DS :)

I wish someone had warned me about the ward after birth, was there for 3 days and it was awful! Didn't help that the woman next to me was snoring through her own babies cries, wanted to kill her is an understatement!

That you might feel fine. I had a c section (planned in the end) and I honestly had v little pain, could do everything but drive by the time I got home at 3 days post partum. It took me a long time to love him, it didn't happen overnight but at 6 months, he is my world (& I waited 5 years & have 5 rounds of fertility treatment to have him)

That some health visitors don't visit. They ring you, tell you it's normal to feel this awful, that's it's normal your baby doesn't sleep during the day, and that there is no way to get a paediatric dietician to assess anything until you've tried every formula on the supermarket shelf.

Second time around I declined the health visiting team. Google knows more!

That what midwife you get is all down to luck. And prepare if you get a stinker.

The one when I was giving birth was quite simply awful. Would not give me gas and air despite me and DH requesting twice. Then screamed at me to push stating my efforts were "pathetic." I got an epidural but far too late and was already 10cm dilated by the time she hooked me up. She was terrible.

That your tummy won’t just spring back to how it was.

And that it’s ok to just be. No one's judging. And if they are, fuck them. Have duvet days with the baby. Watch Netflix all afternoon. Let life happen around you, the world will carry on while you and your small person get to grips with each other.
Oh and when they have their vacs, don’t plan anything that day. Just go home and go back to bed with the baby. Best choice I made with number 3. No pressure, no stress. Calpol and sleep.

That some people will be invaluable and a bloody lifesaver godsend and others will be overbearing shits.
My relationship with my MIL has never been the same since the way she treated me and my newborn last year. She was so critical of me (and the baby) that I have found myself reducing contact gradually. Would never have imagined that would be the case before pregnancy.

I wasn't expecting to feel heart wrenching grief for the ending of the life I had before I had my son. I felt bereft. Of course it soon passed and then I couldn't imagine my life without him (he's almost 21 now!)

sj76 mine was the other way was told the bleeding after would be horrendous and it wasnt at and only about a week

With I had been told I wouldn’t feel my tummy tightening when I was having contractions like I thought I would do - might have realised I was in labour then

Oh and my first pee etc was ok but I ended up getting a uti and being really ill. I though the sore feeling was normal, but I was infected! The MWs I saw were lovely and it’s always better to mention and get things checked rather than end up horrible ill.

I honestly didn't know that when the baby was "coming out" it's feel like you need a poo. Almost had DD on the loo.

I didn't need any stitches, but had lots of little tears. Almost fell off the toilet when I first tried to go for a wee, it was that painful. I had to wee in the shower for 2 weeks, with the shower head at my fandango, letting out a drop at a time. I drank less so I'd wee less, so it became more concentrated and painful!

I wish that I had known (before the health visitor turned up at my home two days after the birth and told me about it) that as well as drinking lots to dilute your pee, if you tore it is ok to eat a teaspoonful of bicarb every few hours for the first two or three days to make your pee more alkaline so you're not pouring acid over a wound every time you have a pee. You shouldn't eat bicarb for more than a few days, but for those first few it's fine. I carried on with the bicarb until I was healed enough for it not to hurt in the same agonising way, and it doesn't seem to have done me any lasting harm.

That nobody including you has the slightest idea how you are going to feel after having a baby, that you may well feel different each time, and that only actually throwing it out of the window or something of that sort is Bad Mothering. Everything less than that is probably ok. And the baby is most unlikely to remember much about the first few days after birth, and nor will you with a bit of luck.

That wanting to kill your dear partner for being responsible for getting you into this fix is quite normal during transition. Swearing at him and making terrible threats is usual, according to the midwife afterwards. If I had known that I would have warned him beforehand so that he wasn't so hurt by it.

Post birth constipation. Fucking hell. Made worse by being on iron tablets.

The size of the placenta, was caught off guard having to birth that after pushing a baby out!

The afterpains. Had no idea. Also that they get worse with each one.

Drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water (etc) eat fibre. Basically do not let yourself get constipated!

That pethadin would make you talk utter crap

After 2 days of labour I didn’t get that rush of love. I was just absolutely knackered and glad it was over.

I don’t know how people say they forget. I still haven’t forgotten how painful it was. The level of pain took me totally by surprise. I’ve done it twice and have no wish to repeat it.

During crowning the second time round I was just screaming ‘Owwwwww’ because I remembered!

That it's not just the head you have to push out, call me naive but I thought it was job done and I was gutted when I had to push again to actually get him out!!!

I haven’t RTFT but I haven’t seen anyone else mention this...

During labour, I completely lost the ability to speak. I’d never heard of this and assumed I would be able to speak to the midwives and doctors and ask for pain relief or advice, I couldn’t. I literally had all these thoughts in my head but I couldn’t actually get the words out. It was frightening.
Managed to warn DH the second time and told him that he needed to speak for me which he did as it happened the second time too.

That my partner wouldn't be aloud to stay with me after birth...30 minutes after I delivered my mum and partner were told to go home and I was left alone.

I was a very young 20 and had zero experience with babies and absolutely scared out of my wits.
Midwifes and nurses didn't help or even come to see if I was alright.

Just completely alone and scared with a newborn baby.

I'm due DC2 in April (Easter Day) and even though I know about babies and toddlers now I'm still scared about the bit after birth.

That pethidine would just make me sleep and then wake up and vomit, a lot. And repeat. Horrible.

That it wouldn't actually be that bad. I was prepared for a long labour, agonising pain and so on and, although I needed a ventouse with DS and had a 2nd degree tear, the actual labour was fast. It was intense rather than agonisingly painful. DD was similar but even faster, 2 hours from first twinge to crowning but although it was overwhelming and very intense, it wasn't awful screaming pain, just like the force of the contractions took over.
It isn't always awful.

Babies can scream before theyre all the way out.
and they look like Voldemort