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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a reason...

112 replies

Mumtimes2 · 02/11/2018 22:46

My eldest is looking at unis and has expressly stated that I shouldn’t come on open days. She hasn’t given a reason. My husband (we are still together) is allowed. He doesn’t drive and so she expects me to drive her to these open days and then mooch about elsewhere until she is ready to leave. Most upsetting is that, tomorrow, I am also expected to pick up her friend from the station and then drive them to the uni for an open day.
It’s tricky for me. I’ve always been a working mum yet I have always worked it so that I could be there for key events like school play etc. I’ve never been pushy. I’ve encouraged, supported and listened, backed off when the signs were there.
Today my eldest dd was challenged by my dh about this. It’s now ww3 in the house, dds explanation is unfathomable and I’m just feeling hurt. I’m a practical person and have always told her to go with what she wants to do.

I don’t want to force myself onto something she doesnt wants me involved with but it would be nice to know why I’m not welcome.

Normally, she’s very sweet, kind, helpful, mature and affable but tonight when asked why I couldn’t at least look around her unis, she was quite adamant that I should not be there.

AIBU to expect a reason....

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 02/11/2018 22:52

She can go on her own but I'd be damned if I played the free taxi.

Glasgowbound · 02/11/2018 22:56

Well she gave a reason to her dad, what was it?

blackcat86 · 02/11/2018 22:57

She doesn't have to give you a reason but she can't expect you just sit there all day. If she doesn't want you there then fine, she's an adult but adults don't have mummy driving them about everywhere. Your letting her have her cake and eat it.

MrsStrowman · 02/11/2018 22:57

It depends on the uni some are for students and parents others are just for students, have you checked? If no one else is taking a patent she would feel embarrassed having one there. The uni I went to had an open weekend, we went up stayed at the college, met with the department etc, it really wasn't for parents

Mammyloveswine · 02/11/2018 22:57

Are you sure she's looking at unis and not sorting your Xmas present? clutches at straws.
How utterly bizarre... I'd be telling her to make her own arrangements

SandAndSea · 02/11/2018 23:00

I'm probably out of date on this issue but in my day, we went on our own. Possibly with a friend, but definitely not with a parent. I went by train and it wouldn't have occurred to me to take my mum. I would look into the journey plan for her and give her the train fare.

Starlight345 · 02/11/2018 23:04

What is her explanation?

finn1020 · 02/11/2018 23:11

She’s old enough so fair enough if she doesn’t want you there but is ok with your husband going - there’ll be a reason why she doesn’t want you there and it’s telling that she won’t discuss it with you. And although you’ve said you “back off when the signs are there” - you’re not backing off, otherwise there wouldn’t be ww3 because you’re insistent she gives you a reason she doesn’t want to discuss it.

But it’s not ok for her to expect you to drive both of them, then wait around like an unpaid taxi driver, that’s really rude.

She needs to work out how to navigate the open days without you driving her there.

MsJolly · 02/11/2018 23:12

She can’t have it both ways-if you’re not allowed to go then she must make her own way there and back

Oldbutstillgotit · 02/11/2018 23:20

Genuine question- when did parents start going to Uni Open Days ? At 17/18 I went to all of mine on my own and never dreamt of asking my parents. At that age you are supposed to be an adult !

JosellaPlayton · 02/11/2018 23:22

What?! When I was at 6th form it was normally to go to open days with your friends (we’d sign out for the day, take the train or someone would drive and we’d make a fun day of it). But to tell you that you can’t come, but her dad can, but you still have to provide transport?! Hell no! I’d give her the money for the train and tell her to sort herself out. Only discuss the faintest possibility of a lift if she sincerely apologises.

CottonTailRabbit · 02/11/2018 23:31

No. Madam is being far too entitled there. You drive her majesty then await summons to drive her home? I think not. Your time is worth more than that. She and her dad will have to think of an alternative won't they? As a parent it is your duty to stomp firmly on such rudeness towards you and general entitledness.

CardsforKittens · 02/11/2018 23:31

I went in my own, no parents! That was 30 years ago. More recently my daughter went on her own. Her dad drove her to a couple of open days but did his own thing instead of going into the university with her. Open days aren't actually for parents anyway.

I understand why you want a reason but at the same time I think it would be better if you don't push for one. This has to be your daughter's decision and you should adopt a supportive attitude to whatever she decides.

Poloshot · 02/11/2018 23:33

If she's expecting you to fund university then this behaviour is beyond the pale. You are Not being unreasonable

katmarie · 02/11/2018 23:40

What is her explanation? You say it's unfathomable but don't say what it is?

KittensAndCake · 03/11/2018 00:47

It’s now ww3 in the house, dds explanation is unfathomable and I’m just feeling hurt

I don't get why there's been arguments about this?
I'm thinking you maybe a bit controlling but don't realise?

It shouldn't even be an issue,
"Mum I don't want u to come"
"Oh ok, you can make your own way there then"

What was her explanation, anyway?

Disquieted1 · 03/11/2018 01:02

Why would you want to be involved? Do you wish to use your experience to aid your daughter in her choice?

Sorry about this, but I expect she doesn't want you there because she wants to make her own decision, without influence. Even well-intentioned support or guidance is sometimes not wanted.

nocoolnamesleft · 03/11/2018 01:23

And this is why we have trains.

Bambamber · 03/11/2018 01:59

But you sat she gave a reason that was unfathomable and has upset you. Is it more of a case that it has upset you that she doesn't want you there and you don't accept her reasoning?

GreenTulips · 03/11/2018 02:05

The kids here take themselves off or school arrange a block transfer to visit

What reason did she give?

steff13 · 03/11/2018 02:17

I think it depends on what her reason is for not wanting you there.

flumpybear · 03/11/2018 03:06

I think perhaps she doesn't want you there because of the way she's expecting you to behave or try to guide her, I'd assume she doesn't want it from you as it's not the type or style she needs or wants.

But saying that you're not her taxi service so if she wants her dad there only they'll need to get a train

I went alone but I was 22 at the time

Alfie190 · 03/11/2018 04:53

I didn’t know it was normal for parents to attend open days, however telling you that you can’t come while dad can is not very nice. And as for expecting you to drive then there and sit around outside like a chauffeur! Well why are you even considering it. Tell them you have better things to do!

MacosieAsunter · 03/11/2018 04:58

My eldest is looking at unis and has expressly stated that I shouldn’t come on open days. She hasn’t given a reason.

It’s now ww3 in the house, dds explanation is unfathomable and I’m just feeling hurt

it would be nice to know why I’m not welcome.

Is there a reason or not ?

AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson · 03/11/2018 05:25

I just got the train to my open days, usually with my then boyfriend or with a group of people from my class.

She can’t have it both ways and want you to chauffeur her around and wait outside for her but allow her Dad in. At best, give her the train fair and let her make her own way.