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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a reason...

112 replies

Mumtimes2 · 02/11/2018 22:46

My eldest is looking at unis and has expressly stated that I shouldn’t come on open days. She hasn’t given a reason. My husband (we are still together) is allowed. He doesn’t drive and so she expects me to drive her to these open days and then mooch about elsewhere until she is ready to leave. Most upsetting is that, tomorrow, I am also expected to pick up her friend from the station and then drive them to the uni for an open day.
It’s tricky for me. I’ve always been a working mum yet I have always worked it so that I could be there for key events like school play etc. I’ve never been pushy. I’ve encouraged, supported and listened, backed off when the signs were there.
Today my eldest dd was challenged by my dh about this. It’s now ww3 in the house, dds explanation is unfathomable and I’m just feeling hurt. I’m a practical person and have always told her to go with what she wants to do.

I don’t want to force myself onto something she doesnt wants me involved with but it would be nice to know why I’m not welcome.

Normally, she’s very sweet, kind, helpful, mature and affable but tonight when asked why I couldn’t at least look around her unis, she was quite adamant that I should not be there.

AIBU to expect a reason....

OP posts:

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 18:02

The evidence suggests that parents are a valuable contributor to the process otherwise University would very much dissuade parents.

Considering that many parents have stated that they won't fund their children unless they are involved in the decision that would hardly be good PR to dissuade them? It doesn't mean they think they make a valuable contribution. It means they think it will increase their chances of getting their money. They are all businesses competing against each other nowadays.

stumpyteapot · 03/11/2018 18:03

Dungeondragon.

There's a possibility you may be a little bit out of touch and been in academia too long.

It is quite apparent what parents are doing in assisting their child ( under 18 or over ) in a major decision in their life. It is quite apparent that university's welcome this.

If this is not the case from the 'research' from your students then mention it to your colleagues so changes can be made.

crispysausagerolls · 03/11/2018 18:04

It’s a very British concept, children just being ousted once they turn 18. I lived on the continent for a few years and everyone was horrified by what I thought was very normal - people live with their parents well into their twenties, take their time studying and are financially supported by their parents in doing so. Not saying one is right or wrong but I think a balance between the two is nice.

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 18:07

There's a possibility you may be a little bit out of touch and been in academia too long.

So I am out of touch which what is happening in universities and their reasons for doing things because I work in one?

It is quite apparent what parents are doing in assisting their child ( under 18 or over ) in a major decision in their life. It is quite apparent that university's welcome this.

I know what parents are doing and I am one as well. I just don't think they are providing a valuable contribution. As for whether universities "welcome it", see above.

MrsTerryPratcett · 03/11/2018 18:09

OP buggered off? Journalist?

footballmum · 03/11/2018 18:35

FFS. Getting heartily sick of posts where the OP posts and then pisses off!! Why bother posting in the first place?

SandAndSea · 03/11/2018 19:23

Bully for you. Not everyone is as independent as you

@LoniceraJaponica - I don't know why you feel the need to be so unfriendly. I was simply offering the OP some advice based on my own experience but I know things have probably changed now. I certainly wasn't 'independent' - it was just how things were done in my world at that time.

LoniceraJaponica · 03/11/2018 20:06

" I don't know why you feel the need to be so unfriendly."

Because some of the assumptions on here are very irritating. Many posters have already stated that:

a) Public transport to universities isn't always as easy and straightforward as some posters think
b) Many would be students lack the confidence to go to open days on their own
c) Many would be students would like another point of view or to bounce back ideas on someone who has accompanied them to the open day
d) Many would be students don't have friends interested in visiting the same university as them
e) The "I manged in my day so everyone esle should" attitude clearly shows a complete lack of understanding of other people.

fishonabicycle · 03/11/2018 21:02

I've been visiting unis with my son - all his and my friends are going together - parents and children. As the parents are often going to be paying at least part of the cost, I guess they are involved. If she doesn't want you there then she can go on her own.

GreenTulips · 03/11/2018 21:26

Parents are supposed to be much more supportive and have much more input these days

That have always meant to have input and be supportive - it's only since the 'you're the teacher you teach them' brigade raised their heads and schools had to take over potty training, using utensils and learning to speak in sentence that's they've had to suppprt the parents as well.

If they want to go to Uni then the first step is surely going to visit and making their own decision based on their own thoughts??

ShalomJackie · 03/11/2018 21:34

The OP has disappeared - probably out with Patsy. I am imagining that OP is Edina and Dd is Saffy! No wonder she doesn't want her to go

GloomyMonday · 03/11/2018 21:50

I can't get worked up about whether parents should attend or not.

I've seen four children through the process and can confirm that asking a parent to attend the Open Day with them has very little bearing on their future success.

It seems to be the norm now anyway. I've attended four in recent weeks and I didn't notice any unaccompanied students.

I certainly didn't force myself onto any visits. Sometimes DC attended with friends, if they knew someone who wanted to go too. Sometimes they asked me to go with them. Maybe they value my advice, or at least my taxi service.

I'm not sure any of us care what was happening ten, twenty, thirty years ago do we? Plenty of stuff has changed in society over the period. What was sad for op was that she thought she had a good relationship with her dd and is upset that she only wants her father to attend. I think some of the replies were quite unkind actually.

Of course there must be a reason, op, even if you don't understand it. Even the super cool mums here would be hurt and wonder why if it happened to them I suspect. All you can do is talk to dd in a non-confrontational way, and decide whether to provide taxiing or not once you've heard her explanation.

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