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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a reason...

112 replies

Mumtimes2 · 02/11/2018 22:46

My eldest is looking at unis and has expressly stated that I shouldn’t come on open days. She hasn’t given a reason. My husband (we are still together) is allowed. He doesn’t drive and so she expects me to drive her to these open days and then mooch about elsewhere until she is ready to leave. Most upsetting is that, tomorrow, I am also expected to pick up her friend from the station and then drive them to the uni for an open day.
It’s tricky for me. I’ve always been a working mum yet I have always worked it so that I could be there for key events like school play etc. I’ve never been pushy. I’ve encouraged, supported and listened, backed off when the signs were there.
Today my eldest dd was challenged by my dh about this. It’s now ww3 in the house, dds explanation is unfathomable and I’m just feeling hurt. I’m a practical person and have always told her to go with what she wants to do.

I don’t want to force myself onto something she doesnt wants me involved with but it would be nice to know why I’m not welcome.

Normally, she’s very sweet, kind, helpful, mature and affable but tonight when asked why I couldn’t at least look around her unis, she was quite adamant that I should not be there.

AIBU to expect a reason....

OP posts:
sollyfromsurrey · 03/11/2018 16:32

It's quite standard for parents to attend. Perhaps the change came when fees came into the picture. Unis are also very keen on parental involvement. They are quite aware that big decisions like this benefit from mature consideration. In America fees have been standard for decades and parents attend open days as standard. It's a big, costly decision.

Most people are 17 when they go and look. 17 is not an adult in any stretch if the imagination.

stumpyteapot · 03/11/2018 16:34

I have attended plenty.

Good , so if attended recently then you will see the number of parents there.

My child wants me us to attend so it is responsible for us to do so.

If he didn't want us to attend then so be it but I certainly wouldn't be driving him there and sitting twiddling my thumbs like op

Your child your choice - I won't criticise you.

My child my choice - don't criticise me.

MrsTerryPratcett · 03/11/2018 16:34

When do the apron strings get cut then? 25? 30?

I loved getting the train to mine and finding out myself. Course I had a year working before so I was adulting successfully beforehand.

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 16:40

The point is that for whatever reason it is now the norm for parents to go with their child to open days, it doesn't matter that someone who went by themselves in 1985 doesn't understand why parents go now, they just do if they want to.

It's not because I went by myself in 1985. It's because I have worked at universities ever since then and obviously been to many open days and I really don't see why parents think they need to go. I have also been to one with DD (we had to stay overnight) although she went to the rest herself or with friends. The visit is to get a feel for the place and the city and unless you know about the course or have exactly the same tastes as your DC how will your input be useful to them?

PattiStanger · 03/11/2018 16:42

Since when did having a parent attend an open day become any kind of indicator of “adultness” ? It's total nonsense to assume that a 17 year old who goes to make an important possibly life changing decision in the company of a parent is somehow immature or incapable of functioning as an adult.

LoniceraJaponica · 03/11/2018 16:43

I'm really jealous of those with DC who have the maturity and self confidence to do university visits on their own.

I also get irritated at the assumption that all our DC are the same.

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 16:44

Good , so if attended recently then you will see the number of parents there.

I am not disputing the fact that they do attend. I am just wondering why. If your DC want you to attend then great but I think a lot of students would really rather they didn't but many parents insist.

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 16:47

Since when did having a parent attend an open day become any kind of indicator of “adultness”

Err.. are you seriously asking why being able to do something without parental input is an indicator of adultness?!

PattiStanger · 03/11/2018 16:47

Other than the OP wanting to go along where is the evidence that parents are “insisting” on going?

Isn't more likely that in most cases the potential student and the parent are quite happily going along together?

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 16:49

Other than the OP wanting to go along where is the evidence that parents are “insisting” on going?

How do you expect me to provide evidence? Links to research?

cardibach · 03/11/2018 16:56

Err.. are you seriously asking why being able to do something without parental input is an indicator of adultness?!
I can see the poster’s point here. Adults do consult other adults about major life decisions - partners, friends and, yes, parents. Even after university and marriage.
To th Wooster who said all Universoties are easy to access by public transport, that may be true in that the majority of universities are near to transport hubs of one sort or another. However, think about the other end of the journey. If you live rurally it might be very difficult to use public transport at all, and, if you can, it might take hours and hours, thereby making it impossible to get to the open evening with any time to actually look or attend information sessions.

cardibach · 03/11/2018 16:57

Excuse typos Blush

PattiStanger · 03/11/2018 16:57

I think a lot of students would really rather they didn't but many parents insist

Presumably you have some reason for saying this, I'm wondering what it is as it seems to be at odds with what other posters are saying.

I don't have any children at uni but my own personal experience is that young people are quite happy with the way the system works.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 03/11/2018 16:59

As an academic who is married to an academic, I don't think so! They probably split the parents and students up to keep the parents out not because they want them there

They requested that we went . I'm not sure my DS was bothered one way or the other if I was there or not ( DH went to the 1st one , I went to the 2nd)
If they'd said "No you don't need to attend" I wouldn't have but it was made clear in the phone call that we were .

And we weren't herded into a room to twiddle our thumbs , we were given a lot of information about the University .
My DS commutes in , lots of students are from overseas so likely their first time living away from home . !

stumpyteapot · 03/11/2018 17:07

If your DC want you to attend then great but I think a lot of students would really rather they didn't but many parents insist.

You think but have no evidence to back up that students don't want their parents to attend.

The evidence suggests that parents are a valuable contributor to the process otherwise University would very much dissuade parents.

Perhaps you need to ask your academic colleagues.

GreenTulips · 03/11/2018 17:20

Adults do consult other adults about major life decisions - partners, friends and, yes, parents

SOME adults might do, no all, SOME of us can make our own decisions and judgements

PattiStanger · 03/11/2018 17:31

Grrentulips - why is asking the advice of others bad or negative?

It's not a superior thing to make decisions alone, it's just one of multiple ways of coming to, hopefully,.the right decision in any situation. No one is better, just different surely.

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 17:42

I can see the poster’s point here. Adults do consult other adults about major life decisions - partners, friends and, yes, parents. Even after university and marriage.

They don't have to visit the university to be consulted though do they? Would you expect older adults to be accompanied by their parents to universities or even job interviews?

GreenTulips · 03/11/2018 17:44

The amount of parents on FB asking for Jobs for their Adult children is embarrassing!!

I wouldn't employ one who didn't have the gumption to ask themselves

Racecardriver · 03/11/2018 17:49

Well what is your relationship like generally? If I had gone to these I wouldn’t have wanted my mother to come for no reason other than that she was unpleasant to be around. If it bothers you so much just don’t give her a lift.

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 17:50

You think but have no evidence to back up that students don't want their parents to attend.

So unless I provide links to research it isn't true? I am basing my thoughts on my experience of working in a university and on what people have told me including students. Even on this thread many people have stated that as they are paying towards their children's university education they expect to be involved in the decision. OP herself won't accept her DDs wish not to have her there.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 03/11/2018 17:53

The amount of parents on FB asking for Jobs for their Adult children is embarrassing !!

I wouldn't employ one who didn't have the gumption to ask themselves

Are you an employer?
My DS is filling in job applications on "Indeed" but he says most of his mates have jobs through their parents' friends or work. Wjy is it embarressing?

And I think if my DS is making a decision that will take 4 years of his life and put in him debt to the tune of £9,250 a year , then it is not beyond the realms that he asks his parents (and will most likely ignore us ) . We are funding his day-to-day expenses , hence hm looking for work P/T.
It doesnt mean he's not 'adult' enough . He doesn't stop being my child just because he reached 18

CarolDanvers · 03/11/2018 17:53

Education has changed, right from nursery upwards. Parents are supposed to be much more supportive and have much more input these days and they're certainly expected to pay for it at higher level, gone are the days of grants. With that in mind I think it's somewhat irrelevant what MNetters did thirty years ago and the repetitive expressions of surprise that 17 year olds aren't doing it ALL by themselves and therefore it's perfectly normal for OP's dd to do it alone. It isn't. I'd be hurt too OP.

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 17:54

And we weren't herded into a room to twiddle our thumbs , we were given a lot of information about the University.

Well obviously they aren't going to leave you there to twiddle your thumbs and then tell your DCs that you won't give them any money if they choose to go there. That doesn't mean it wouldn't be easier for them if you weren't there in the first place.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 03/11/2018 17:59

That doesn't mean it wouldn't be easier for them if you weren't there in the first place

But they requested that parents went .
Why make it sound like I foisted myself on my sons Open Day? I didn't turn up and get pushed into a room , unwanted.

They phoned to give a date and said yes parents are to attend . .
Not to be unsupportive of my DS , there were a million places I'd rather have been !