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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a reason...

112 replies

Mumtimes2 · 02/11/2018 22:46

My eldest is looking at unis and has expressly stated that I shouldn’t come on open days. She hasn’t given a reason. My husband (we are still together) is allowed. He doesn’t drive and so she expects me to drive her to these open days and then mooch about elsewhere until she is ready to leave. Most upsetting is that, tomorrow, I am also expected to pick up her friend from the station and then drive them to the uni for an open day.
It’s tricky for me. I’ve always been a working mum yet I have always worked it so that I could be there for key events like school play etc. I’ve never been pushy. I’ve encouraged, supported and listened, backed off when the signs were there.
Today my eldest dd was challenged by my dh about this. It’s now ww3 in the house, dds explanation is unfathomable and I’m just feeling hurt. I’m a practical person and have always told her to go with what she wants to do.

I don’t want to force myself onto something she doesnt wants me involved with but it would be nice to know why I’m not welcome.

Normally, she’s very sweet, kind, helpful, mature and affable but tonight when asked why I couldn’t at least look around her unis, she was quite adamant that I should not be there.

AIBU to expect a reason....

OP posts:
Aus84 · 03/11/2018 05:48

My DD is like this with my DH and I only the other way around. She finds her dad embarrassing and me cool so I'm 'allowed' to tag along. DH doesn't take it to heart, it is what it is.

AjasLipstick · 03/11/2018 06:20

How can a reason be unfathomable? You say you want a reason....then that she gave one but it's unfathomable/. Do you mean you just don't like the reason?

DeadCertain · 03/11/2018 06:42

I just got the train to my open days; to ask for transport from you when you're expected to then just make yourself scarce isn't on.

My mother truly believes that she is easy - going, non - judgemental and that she doesn't interfere (her own words). In reality she is very controlling, will interfere at the drop of a hat to ensure that things are done her way and is certain that the only correct opinion is her own. I love her very much but our relationship is a complex one. I don't like to involve her too much in my life and plans or discuss things in any depth because of the above as it usually creates problems were previously there were none - but I don't like to hurt her feelings either hence the preference to do things alone as, once she is involved, the potential for conflict is there.

What was your DD's reason?

JoyceTempleSavage · 03/11/2018 06:45

I would say she finds you embarrassing OP

Doesn’t make much sense otherwise

Witchend · 03/11/2018 06:57

Dd's been doing them on her own or with friends. They can find out what they want to know rather than what you want to know without you.
She's gone by train though.

junebirthdaygirl · 03/11/2018 07:10

It can be a difficult and awkward time for them added to the stress of deciding what to do. They want their dm one minute and want you a million miles away the next one.
Nearly 40 years ago l didn't want my dm going to look at colleges with me. I thought l was all grown up and would like like a baby. I was quite rude and all bravado. More sheltered lives then too so going to the city was a big deal. Then, late the night before, l panicked and said :will you come. I have never forgotten that she said..sure..no questions or big drama about my recent behaviour. It meant so much as l was a bit all over the place.
So my advice is go along with her desires. Soon she will be leaving home. Don't bring big drama into it. Just be that person in the background supporting her in whatever way she wants. She doesn't even know what she wants but you flowing along will mean a lot later as she looks back. Just say whatever suits you darling..my advice.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/11/2018 07:26

I’m always amazed at posters to say parents shouldn’t attend OD. If they are paying then should have input. I viewied my universities alone but then again I paid for the course alone.

Havaina · 03/11/2018 07:31

Same as pp, I got the train and buses to open days.

She's nearly 18 or so, let her go on her own.

Being a mum won't make her respect you.

Havaina · 03/11/2018 07:32

*mug

HouseOfGingerbread · 03/11/2018 07:44

I work at a Uni and these days it is very much the norm for parents to attend open days. Other siblings and grandparents are not unusual either. She might feel differently once she's been to one and seen how many full families go.

LoniceraJaponica · 03/11/2018 07:55

"I'm probably out of date on this issue but in my day, we went on our own"

Bully for you. Not everyone is as independent as you Hmm

Unfortunately, with Northern Rail being on strike every Saturday between the beginning of September until 29th December I had to take DD to open days or she wouldn't have got there. Before the train strikes were announced I did offer for her to go on her own, but she just wouldn't have gone at all.

Ohheyyy · 03/11/2018 07:58

If we knew what reason she gave her dad, your DH, it might help us respond better than to just assume she thinks you embarrass her in some way.

silkpyjamasallday · 03/11/2018 08:00

I didn't take my parents to any of mine, it certainly wasn't the norm to have parents tagging along, although some weird helicopter parents came to the interviews and tried to go in with their DC Shock (I didn't see any of them once term started funnily enough) You want to experience a place as your own not with your parents and have them influencing your decision. It is rude of your DD to allow your DH and not you though, I'd be suggesting she gets a coach or a train to the open days and do some adult navigating. She clearly wants some independence so let her have it.

Ohyesiam · 03/11/2018 08:03

What’s the unfathomable reason

purplemunkey · 03/11/2018 08:11

I went to all mine on my own too. I think saying ' not everyone is that independent' is a bit silly. If they're actually thinking about going to that uni they'll be doing it on their own so going to see it on their own, navigating the area and seeing what the journey is like is all part of it.

The train strikes thing is fair enough I suppose but if other parents don't drive/can't drive them on that date they'd have to deal with alternative routes/rail replacement buses etc. If that had been the case for me I would have just worked it out, not asked my DParents to drive me hundreds of miles.

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 03/11/2018 08:12

35 years ago I went on my own.

4 years ago I went with dc. A few students were on their own but most were with at least 1 parent. When the student can end up in debt to at least £30,000 then yes a parent should be there if they are paying part of it. All the universities we looked at had talks specifically aimed at the parents.

I’m disabled so although I went with dd to most things occasionally I couldn’t look around the uni. She was often the only one without a parent in those situations If dh wasn’t with us.

I would drive her & have a mooch around without her to be honest.

Thisreallyisafarce · 03/11/2018 08:13

Tell her it's her decision, but she needs to make her own transport arrangements if she doesn't want you to come. None of this "expected to".

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 03/11/2018 08:14

And also as House says it’s the norm now for parents to go.

swingofthings · 03/11/2018 08:18

I would bet the reason is that she will you as controlling and taking the lead. Could it be that you've already have it in her head what you'd like her to do and where to go?

She probably wants to with a complete open mind and not want to be distracted by someone pointing out to them what's good and what isn't.

I can be a bit like that myself. My children have never told me not to come but I did get the message that the time was for them to reflect and come up with their own views in their own time without me getting an opignon before they do and then bombarding them with my views clouding their ability to think. So now I go, watch, say nothing and wait for them to ask me for my views which they do take into consideration.

LoniceraJaponica · 03/11/2018 08:19

"The train strikes thing is fair enough I suppose but if other parents don't drive/can't drive them on that date they'd have to deal with alternative routes/rail replacement buses etc. If that had been the case for me I would have just worked it out, not asked my DParents to drive me hundreds of miles."

Honestly, the train strikes would have put paid to DD going on her own. We live rurally. It took me just over an hour to drive to the Manchester open day. It would have taken DD about 3 hours by bus and train. She would have missed the subject talks which were the most important reason for going. She is on anti anxiety meds at the moment and has a terrible sense of direction. She really, really wouldn't have gone on her own. Please believe me. I don't helicopter her and once we were there she did her own thing while I looked at the museum.

I will repeat ad nauseum if necessary. DD is not like you Hmm

NerrSnerr · 03/11/2018 09:32

I think going on public transport is a good idea so she can see how horrendous (or good) the journey would be if she went to that university and was coming home for the weekend/ holidays etc.

purplemunkey · 03/11/2018 09:57

Alright Lonicera fair enough. Though, I didn't say your DD was like me. As a general rule I think it's good to go without a parent. With all your added context I get its different in your DDs case. This thread isn't about your DD though. OPs DD is relying on a taxi service and wants Dad but not Mum to come in with her. I, like a lot of other posters, are questioning why she needs either of them.

Glasgowbound · 03/11/2018 12:20

Well I'm finding the OP pretty annoying myself for starting a thread and never returning to it, so maybe the dd has a point.

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 15:21

The reason will be that she doesn't want your opinion! Isn't it obvious? Maybe you are quite opinionated but your DH isn't.

My DD looked around most places by herself. I did go with her one time as it was a long way away and we needed to stay overnight. Many people were with parents but quite a few were not.

I don't see why you should give her a lift and then hang around though. If she is happy to go with your DH then why don't they get a train? Or she can go by herself. I can't think of any universities that are difficult to get to by public transport.

VladmirsPoutine · 03/11/2018 15:25

What was the unfathomable reason?

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