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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a reason...

112 replies

Mumtimes2 · 02/11/2018 22:46

My eldest is looking at unis and has expressly stated that I shouldn’t come on open days. She hasn’t given a reason. My husband (we are still together) is allowed. He doesn’t drive and so she expects me to drive her to these open days and then mooch about elsewhere until she is ready to leave. Most upsetting is that, tomorrow, I am also expected to pick up her friend from the station and then drive them to the uni for an open day.
It’s tricky for me. I’ve always been a working mum yet I have always worked it so that I could be there for key events like school play etc. I’ve never been pushy. I’ve encouraged, supported and listened, backed off when the signs were there.
Today my eldest dd was challenged by my dh about this. It’s now ww3 in the house, dds explanation is unfathomable and I’m just feeling hurt. I’m a practical person and have always told her to go with what she wants to do.

I don’t want to force myself onto something she doesnt wants me involved with but it would be nice to know why I’m not welcome.

Normally, she’s very sweet, kind, helpful, mature and affable but tonight when asked why I couldn’t at least look around her unis, she was quite adamant that I should not be there.

AIBU to expect a reason....

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 15:29

I don't really get what so many parents do go. They may be contributing money but that has always been the case and yet 30 years ago potential students always went by themselves. Unless you know something about the subject what do they expect to contribute?

LoniceraJaponica · 03/11/2018 15:40

I would have been more than happy for DD to go to open days without me, but she simply wouldn't have gone on her own. Besides most of them weren't very accessible on public transport from where we live.

None of her friends were interested in the same universities, so she couldn't have gone with a friend.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 03/11/2018 15:48

My DS started University in Sept so this was us last year.
Parents were expected , nay, requested to attend.
DH went with DS , I went to my DD 6th Form Open Day ( same day)

DS had an Open Day for students who had been offered a place , again Parental attendance was requested and we were taken off for a parents' talk. (Mainly about Finance and "Make sure your DC adheres to the dates" )

So those saying "They;re an adult , let them crack on" it isn't always the case.

SoyDora · 03/11/2018 15:51

What was the unfathomable reason?

FannyFifer · 03/11/2018 15:54

I would have been mortified if either of my parents had came to uni open days with me.
What was the reason she gave for not wanting you there?

Vixxxy · 03/11/2018 15:57

Like hell would I be driving her there then just hanging around to bring her back. IMO she is really taking the piss here and should be told no. Even if she now gives a reason, I would still say no due to the behavior that she expected.

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 15:57

DS had an Open Day for students who had been offered a place , again Parental attendance was requested and we were taken off for a parents' talk. (Mainly about Finance and "Make sure your DC adheres to the dates" )

That seems really odd and not my experience at all. What can they tell you about finance that you can't get from the internet? Also, parents shouldn't be asked to make sure that their DC adhere to dates. They will be adults by the time they go.

crispysausagerolls · 03/11/2018 16:00

Does she find you embarrassing? Your OP
Sounds like you’ve been given an unpleasant reason you don’t wish to accept, and that’s a classic

stumpyteapot · 03/11/2018 16:01

Going through the university applications now with eldest. Parents are attending open days - appears the norm. If children want to go in their own so be it.

They are not adults. Majority of them still not 18.

In this economic climate if I'm contributing to the fees ' living costs I am going to be part of the process.

If my DS had the attitude of the ops child then he'd be self funding his next 3/4 yrs.

Sammymommy · 03/11/2018 16:04

Why would you drive them?

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 16:06

In this economic climate if I'm contributing to the fees ' living costs I am going to be part of the process.

Parents have always contributed though unless on low incomes as is still the case. What part to you expect to play in the process and why do you have to visit the university to do it? I think it is quite infantalising to insist the they need to be accompanied by parents ans I not sure why so many parents do it nowadays.

PattiStanger · 03/11/2018 16:07

What's the relevance of how uni open days worked in the 80s and 90s? It's 2018 ime parents very much go to open days, I went on my own many years ago but so what, times move on, stuff changes you know.

Please come back OP and explain more about the reasoning.

stumpyteapot · 03/11/2018 16:09

I think it is quite infantalising to insist the they need to be accompanied by parents ans I not sure why so many parents do it nowadays.

My child , my choice to accompany him. My money funding him.

Quite simple really.

Limensoda · 03/11/2018 16:11

No explanation, no lift to open days.

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 16:14

My child , my choice to accompany him. My money funding him.

That doesn't mean that it is not infantalising to insist that you need to go. As for funding, it will be mostly his money via loans.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 03/11/2018 16:14

Dungeon , when DS took the phone call to arrange his date (and gave the phone to me) I did ask if the parent was expected and they said "Yes , definately"

I was a bit Hmm about the Parents talk but I suppose in years gone by there have been issues and they needed everything in order .

In my day we trotted off on our own, filled in our own forms .

Maybe they want the parents on board to make sure they reduce the drop out rate ? (London Uni)

MiniMum97 · 03/11/2018 16:17

It is expected that parents go these days and they often have separate parents and students talks (ie they split you up). I think they like parents to be part of the process as most parents have to fund the students and they need the support network to reduce drop out rates.

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 16:17

What's the relevance of how uni open days worked in the 80s and 90s? It's 2018 ime parents very much go to open days, I went on my own many years ago but so what, times move on, stuff changes you know.

The relevance is that people keep saying that they're funding so they should go. Parents always funding but didn't used to insist on visiting with children.
I appreciate that things have changed but there is not reason for them to. The visit is really about getting a feel for the city and univerisity and deciding on whether they will enjoy the course. Why do parents need to input into that.?

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 16:19

It is expected that parents go these days and they often have separate parents and students talks (ie they split you up). I think they like parents to be part of the process as most parents have to fund the students and they need the support network to reduce drop out rates.

As an academic who is married to an academic, I don't think so! They probably split the parents and students up to keep the parents out not because they want them there!

stumpyteapot · 03/11/2018 16:20

That doesn't mean that it is not infantalising to insist that you need to go. As for funding, it will be mostly his money via loans.

There has never been an insistence to attend. DS has wanted us to.

I call it being a responsible parent and helping a young person ( child) make the right decision which may have an impact long term.

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 16:22

Maybe they want the parents on board to make sure they reduce the drop out rate ? (London Uni)

Yes, I suppose London is very expensive and they need parents to know that they will probably have to provide a lot of money.

stumpyteapot · 03/11/2018 16:23

As an academic who is married to an academic, I don't think so! They probably split the parents and students up to keep the parents out not because they want them there!

Not been to an open day where they have split parents and students. University's seem to engage and welcome parents.

Perhaps attend one and see.

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 16:27

I call it being a responsible parent and helping a young person ( child) make the right decision which may have an impact long term.

So parents who don't attend are irresponsible?Hmm Perhaps my DD is more mature than yours but I think she can make her own decision on whether she will enjoy living in a particular city or going to the university. I certainly did provide guidance on what universities and courses were good but you don't get that information from visiting.

Dungeondragon15 · 03/11/2018 16:28

Perhaps attend one and see.

I have attended plenty.

PattiStanger · 03/11/2018 16:30

Dungeondragon - some people are suggesting that parent funding might be a reason, no one is categorically stating that is the case. But it doesn't matter what the reason is, that's not the point.

The point is that for whatever reason it is now the norm for parents to go with their child to open days, it doesn't matter that someone who went by themselves in 1985 doesn't understand why parents go now, they just do if they want to.