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AIBU?

To expect fairytale love?

143 replies

mermaid30 · 02/11/2018 04:47

So I guess everyones dream in love is for it to be like a fairytale. But mine's not. I met my partner online and everything was great for the first 9 months - I thought this was it. Then he lied to me about something. He's very tight, he's very selfish. He sometimes doesn't take no for an answer if u get my drift. He's so close to his mom, which is nice but also he will tell her things first before me. That upsets me sometimes.
He doesnt really like my family and runs them down a lot. This really hurts me.

On the other hand he can be really genuine and kind.

Weve been together about 19 months and have talked about marriage and children although he won't move in with me yet, he says minimum 2 years dating before any of that happens.....

I love him but I also have nagging doubts. Is my view of love unreasonable??

I'm 30 in a couple of months.... I'm worried about the whole dating scene again?! And I would like children but time is running out for me.

I'm feeling really confused at the moment ☹

OP posts:
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gilchrist168 · 04/11/2018 16:20

If you are so very well off financially OP, why are you hanging on in Thailand with someone you are now describing as " an arsehole"?

Or, if you like it there so much, (never been myself, so no idea), why haven't you booked in elsewhere on your own, and left him to it?

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Vitalogy · 04/11/2018 17:24

but it's completely abnormal to give a stranger your jewellery because they said they liked it It's rare but not abnormal. I thought it was a lovely gesture. When you aren't materialistic then a person will do things like this. Most people are though, so it's rare.

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gottastopeatingchocolate · 04/11/2018 19:03

Hi OP,
I have read both your threads. I am glad that you have come to a realisation, and I hope you will follow through with your decision.

It is often recommended, but read the Lundy Bancroft book. Apparently you can download for free. It explains the cycle - that they don't have to be mean all the time to be abusive. Indeed, being nice sometimes is a way of keeping you in the game.

If I am reading correctly, you are still in your 20s (just!). Time is not running out. Don't settle. You have a very clear image of a "Happy Ever After" - ever after is a very long time, so take your time to get it right! I would recommend having a bit of time on your own, read Bancroft, reflect on what you tend to look for in a relationship and what you tend to accept. Also the role you play in a relationship and where you would like to draw the lines next time around. (Thinking of your "not taking no" comments, for example).

You deserve to be in a relationship where if he offers to treat you and "forgets", you can call him on it there and then, he can "remember", pay and you can have a laugh about it. You deserve to be in a relationship where no means no, without offence. You deserve to be in a relationship where your relationship with your family is respected and supported.

It will happen. Just not with him.

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Notacluewhatthisis · 04/11/2018 19:11

Vitalogy the op clearly has a lack of boundaries though. Giving away something because someone says it's nice doesn't make sense. That's not what someone weren't saying. They were saying it was nice. Not that they wanted one. I would be mortified if I complimented someone on something and they gave it to me.

The ops lack of boundaries is how she ended up here. Luckily it seems like she is waking up to that.

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Lamona · 04/11/2018 19:17

Thailand is gorgeous and a great place to travel on your own. (From my extensive travel all over Thailand going over 2 decades now)
Leave him now! And have an amazing time! Why wait? Grin

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Lamona · 04/11/2018 19:20

Giving away something that you can afford to lose, when the giving it away makes you happier than the having of the object would make you, well that just seems kind.
Just don't give away more than you can afford to lose- financially, mentally or physically. Which is what this shit bag is taking...

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7salmonswimming · 04/11/2018 19:27

I just want a man who will love me unconditionally

YABVU to think that any man other than a father, or at a push, a brother or son would do this.

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Vitalogy · 04/11/2018 19:30

Notacluewhatthisis Neither of us were there. Sometimes when meeting people there's a connection, a special connection even with a complete stranger, there's a genuineness there, it's hard to explain if never come across it. Material is immaterial, it's the gesture that's meaningful and the most important.

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funnylittlefloozie · 04/11/2018 20:48

OP, you can do this. There are lovely kind decent men out there, and although this sounds like a cliche on a par with "fairytale love", they really do turn up when you are least expecting them. I was set up with mine by a colleague, and he is bloody lovely. We've just been away on holiday for a few days, and i have had to be FAST to get to the bill in restaurants before him! He always assures me i can pay tomorrow, but in reality, only "lets" me pay when its something small, like coffees or snacks. He earns a fair bit more than i do, and in his view, its just the fair thing to do. I take care of him in lots of ways, he takes care of me, we look after each other. THAT is what a relationship is supposed to be, not point-scoring and stinginess. Its not a fairytale, we are both in our late forties and neither of us are exactly stunners... but we make each other very happy.

You could have something like this...but not if you stay with that nasty bugger.

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Notacluewhatthisis · 04/11/2018 22:10

Vitalogy you are confusing 2 issues. You are assuming unless you are completely non material, you can have a connection with someone. Even if a stranger. That's not true.

You also seem to think that I haven't experienced anything like described because I see it as unhealthy. Your wrong, I have made kind gestures and had them made towards me.

And if you read the ops posts you can see that her putting other people first has got to an unhealthy level. Her boundries arenr where they should be. As I said, she seems to waking up from that. Which is good. But selflessness can go to a point where it isn't healthy.

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Vitalogy · 05/11/2018 04:04

You are assuming unless you are completely non material, you can have a connection with someone. Even if a stranger. That's not true. That wasn't my intention. Anyone could have a connection like that. The materialistic side of oneself would have to subside enough to give like that though. Of course, as I said before, neither of us were there or either of the two people involved. I just didn't want acts like this to be dismissed as always being done through lack of boundaries that's all.

But selflessness can go to a point where it isn't healthy. Yes, I agree it can.

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mermaid30 · 05/11/2018 05:00

Thank you @vitalogy.

I wouldn't say I'm selfless, not at all. I can be selfish at times I'm sure. All I was saying is that he's very selfish whereas I would say im more on the kind end of the spectrum.

Anyway, I changed our room from a double to a twin so now its a step in the right direction huh πŸ˜‚

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trojanpony · 05/11/2018 08:32

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
What did he say to that???

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mermaid30 · 05/11/2018 09:12

Weve spent the day apart..... him in the room and me poolside!

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mermaid30 · 25/11/2018 13:53

Done. Gone. Onwards and Upwards.

I need a man, not a child. Going to embrace the new found freedom and find someone who deserves me!!

Thank you to you all for giving me the strength to do it xx

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Rachie1986 · 25/11/2018 14:00

Well done mermaid. Hope things go well for you x

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Vitalogy · 25/11/2018 17:41

Well done. Good luck.

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RandomMess · 25/11/2018 18:25

WooHoo so glad you ditched him!!!

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