To expect fairytale love?
mermaid30 · 02/11/2018 04:47
So I guess everyones dream in love is for it to be like a fairytale. But mine's not. I met my partner online and everything was great for the first 9 months - I thought this was it. Then he lied to me about something. He's very tight, he's very selfish. He sometimes doesn't take no for an answer if u get my drift. He's so close to his mom, which is nice but also he will tell her things first before me. That upsets me sometimes.
He doesnt really like my family and runs them down a lot. This really hurts me.
On the other hand he can be really genuine and kind.
Weve been together about 19 months and have talked about marriage and children although he won't move in with me yet, he says minimum 2 years dating before any of that happens.....
I love him but I also have nagging doubts. Is my view of love unreasonable??
I'm 30 in a couple of months.... I'm worried about the whole dating scene again?! And I would like children but time is running out for me.
I'm feeling really confused at the moment ☹
Ansumpasty · 02/11/2018 07:03
The base of a good relationship will feel like ‘fairytale’ love in the early days. It doesn’t last in that state, naturally, otherwise the world would fall to bits. Can you imagine surgeons calling in sick because they just can’t bear to be apart from their partner or having butterflies and constant thoughts of them when they’re trying to operate
Fairytale, ‘Twilight’ love might not be reality forever, but what you have right now isn’t good enough.
Don’t settle. My best friend met someone online when she was lonely, didn’t like him much at all (and it was mutual) but stayed together for company and now have 2 kids, an awful relationship and she’s pretty trapped.
Move on and find someone who treats you like you want to be treated
CookieWarbler · 02/11/2018 07:03
Please don't make the mistake of thinking this is a normal, loving relationship. Its not. You sound dangerously like you want to be with anyone rather than be alone.
You're young enough to kick this abusive twat to the curb and find someone who will be kind, loving and a proper partner.
I'll put money on it, that if he's not already, he'll be telling you that you won't be able to find someone else and grind your self esteem down so you won't feel you can leave. Don't let this happen and get out now.
You have one precious life, don't waste it with this man
SushiRolll · 02/11/2018 07:05
If you mean he doesn't take no for an answer in relation to sex that is utterly awful OP. Whatever it is about your no should be respected.
Something you said about him wanting 50/50 and not being able to have more food than him made me think of my narcissistic ex. He would say I'd given him the plate with a few less chips on purpose etc... As if I'd even paid attention to the exact number of things in the plate. It was draining and childish and ridiculous. He was the same with absolutely everything.
Get out now you don't want this forever.
For what it's worth, I'm now with a man who would purposefully give me the better looking plate at tea time
You can do better.
Bodicea · 02/11/2018 07:09
You are playing Russian roulette with your fertility anyway if you stay with him. Minimum 2 years dating?!? And then you think he is likely two give you what you want?You may as well leave him and meet someone without a ridiculous timetable. He clearly doesn’t give a shit about your biological clock.
notdaddycool · 02/11/2018 07:15
Run and don’t for a moment think kids will make things better, they challenge relationships in ways you may never imagine. It will either lead to a miserable marriage or bringing the child up on your own, which if you are after a fairy tale, isn’t hoing to be one - it’s hard enough with 2 of us at times. X
ReanimatedSGB · 02/11/2018 07:20
FFS. Dump this man and stop 'looking for love' until you have sorted yourself out. You are coming across as desperate not to be single, which is a dangerous mindset - it means you leave yourself wide open to abuse. Because nasty men can smell desperation and vulnerability in a woman, and dive straight in. If you believe that your life is a failure unless you have A Man then you will settle for any old shit. Don't do this to yourself.
Notacluewhatthisis · 02/11/2018 07:20
just want a man who will love me unconditionally, be kind and generous and caring with a positive attitude.
OP, no man will love you unconditionally. I adore my Dp, but there tons he could go out and do which would kill my love for him. Loving a partner unconditionally doesn't exist.
That said you partner sounds like a massive cunt and you need to get rid. Take sometime to sort yourself out before having another relationship.
But you need to adjust your expectations about how someone will love you. Yes they should be kind, they should be caring. But they won't love you unconditionally.
trojanpony · 02/11/2018 07:21
Get the hell out now when it’s easy, and don’t throw away the opportunity to meet someone amazing by wasting your early 30s on this guy. He is not a winning pony.
I met my DP at 33 (you have time!!!!)
Also crucially I refused to settle for any of the crap you have outlined (your relationship sounds uncaring and exhausting) he sounds thoroughly unpleasant
I just want a man who will love me unconditionally, be kind and generous and caring with a positive attitude.
This is what I have now but I had to look hard and was willing to accept I might not meet someone
Also if you just want marriage and kids this guy still sounds like a bad choice. Two years before he moves in? What kind of bullshit is that. Let me guess he’ll want you to move in with him and pay market rate to be his live in housekeeper/GF. At 40 he will likely still be dangling the carrot of marriage which you’ll no doubt have to fund and/or kids. Also imagine trying to split child related costs with him - I’m exhausted and annoyed just thinking about it
summacummamumma · 02/11/2018 07:28
A fairy tale is relative OP. My relationship with my husband, how we got together and how our relationship developed most certainly wouldn't be described as a traditional fairytale. We even had a break a few months before we got engaged (which turned out to be the best thing we ever did).
But...it is a fairytale to me because of how wonderful and magical this relationship feels to me. It is hard work sometimes and I'm not going to pretend that I like every little thing about him completely, but it doesn't matter.
You clearly don't feel this in your relationship, and to be honest the way he talks to you/is treating you, I don't blame you! If I were you I would end it and go off in search of the person you are supposed to be with. Your life might not look like what you thought on paper, but hopefully, a lot of the time, it will feel like your own personal fairy tale.
Apologies if this is too cheesy!!! ￼
Oh, and by the way...I also ended up single again at 30, and met my now husband online. It's hard to start again, but fun and worth the risk!! 3 years after putting myself out there again I'm now very happy, married and expecting a baby. ￼
mermaid30 · 02/11/2018 07:33
@trojanpony - yes we discussed childcare costs, his thinking is that if he earns 3k and I earn 1k, i still pay half the mortgage and need to work minimum 2 days a week....
He refuses to pay for everything and someone needs to look after the kids..
So i said thats ok, we'll both work full time and split 50/50 and fork out loads on childcare - he wasn't happy with that response!
I know i have to get out, i just feel a bit trapped at the moment.
He thinks he's a kind generous nice man - and there's no changing his opinion of himself either!
Escolar · 02/11/2018 07:35
Happy ever after does exist. My parents have been happily married for 50 years now, and DH and I for 15.
But you can't make it happen with someone just by trying to. It sounds like you're considering marriage and kids with this guy just because that's what people do when they're 30 and have been together for a year or two, not because you actually like him. He doesn't sound kind and loving.
Heismyopendoor · 02/11/2018 07:45
Don’t feel trapped. Just let him know it’s over. You don’t have kids, you don’t live together, so you never need see him again!
He’s an absolute excuse for a man and treats you like crap. You need someone that actually loves you and takes no for an answer.
You are worth so much more than this
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