To expect fairytale love?
mermaid30 · 02/11/2018 04:47
So I guess everyones dream in love is for it to be like a fairytale. But mine's not. I met my partner online and everything was great for the first 9 months - I thought this was it. Then he lied to me about something. He's very tight, he's very selfish. He sometimes doesn't take no for an answer if u get my drift. He's so close to his mom, which is nice but also he will tell her things first before me. That upsets me sometimes.
He doesnt really like my family and runs them down a lot. This really hurts me.
On the other hand he can be really genuine and kind.
Weve been together about 19 months and have talked about marriage and children although he won't move in with me yet, he says minimum 2 years dating before any of that happens.....
I love him but I also have nagging doubts. Is my view of love unreasonable??
I'm 30 in a couple of months.... I'm worried about the whole dating scene again?! And I would like children but time is running out for me.
I'm feeling really confused at the moment ☹
Notacluewhatthisis · 02/11/2018 17:55
By your view of yourself...I mean how you view yourself.
You describe yourself as a natural empath. You cast yourself in the role of a person who lives to make others happy. It's not a good thing. You are choosing to give up the power and choice in your own life. It's essentially a cop out. You aren't a victim or stood on the sidelines of your own life. Doing things because it makes other people happy, even if you aren't happy, is a choice you are making.
You view yourself as an empath. You view yourself as someone who only gets happiness from making other happy. You are not an empath. That's what you have chosen to label yourself. Rather than understanding that your behaviour is unhealthy and trying to balance it.
Talith · 02/11/2018 18:01
It can be much much nicer than that. You've time on your side for a family but he's not going to change and he doesn't sound like much of a father figure. Or even a particularly nice person! I'd been married for a long time and even though separated my XH didn't make snarky comments or do me down. My new partner of a year is nothing but loving respectful and generous. Decent guys are out there. This isn't one.
Do yourself and your future babies a favour and get rid.
Jlynhope · 02/11/2018 18:45
There is nothing stopping you from breaking up with him. He sounds awful.
That said you will not find a partner to love you unconditionally.That is not the job of any partner, nor should it be.
And giving away your necklace to some woman who liked it is very sweet but also kind of screams that you have deep need to please and be liked. There's a line between nice and friendly, and doormat.
ChristmasFluff · 02/11/2018 18:56
I'll tell you what fairytale this ISN'T - Beauty and the Beast. He's not going to turn into a Prince due to your selfless giving love. He's a beast and he's showing you he's a beast.
What you describe as being an 'empath', is really that from an early age you learned to anticipate the needs of others in order to survive (in one way or another). You were programmed to believe that others were more important than you, and that your needs, wants and desires were unimportant. You have no boundaries, have no idea what is your responsibility and what isn't because of that. You have learned helplessness, because you have no idea of how to be autonomous. What do YOU like? What are your plans for YOUR life? why are you clinging on to someone who treats you so badly?
Most of all, how the hell will you meet a decent bloke while you waste your time with this one? In 10 years' time you will be 40, whether you leave this man or not. If you stay with him, you KNOW you will be unhappy. If you leave, you have a good chance of being happy, either with someone else, many someone else's or single.
Helipad · 02/11/2018 19:31
I agree withChristmas, to me it screams you are way too eager to please.
This reminds me of myself about four years ago, just before I had my big light bulb moment about my boundaries and my people pleasing ways. It was December and I got a cold caller on the door to offer house security alarm installations. We had a chat (as I had considered getting one) and he said he’ll be back in few days time to do a proper survey. In the meantime I researched reviews about the company and it became evident they would have been a very expensive choice. Yet, I was making all sorts of justifications for the cost and badly wanted to be that nice customer who can improve his commission just before Christmas. Absolutely bonkers and luckily I came to my senses before signing up on anything But since then I started to be more mindful of my people pleasing ways.
mermaid30 · 03/11/2018 07:43
My eyes are fully open - thank you all 😊 I am ready to shove his ass out the door - no matter how hard it's going to feel.
I dont fear being alone.
Im looking forward to not being told what to do all the time! I can have a duvet day if I want to, stroll in at 4am if I want to too!
I don't have to listen to 'my mom is a a rarity, theres no one like her. Shes so selfless' 🤢🤢 please!
Think ive found my balls. HAH
Mandarine · 03/11/2018 10:00
How long are you stuck with him in Thailand OP?
Personally, I could not be with a man who insists on splitting the dinner bill all the time. Massive turn off - ugh! If he can’t treat you now, in the dating phase, imagine what it would be like in ten years when you have several kids. He’ll have no concept of family money or supporting you through pregnancy or maternity leave. If you become a SAHM or have to cut your hours he’ll always make you feel indebted to him, no matter what you do.
These are small-minded, petty men. Get rid.
30 is still young - at least you’re not 40!
Sethis · 04/11/2018 14:41
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theWarOnPeace · 04/11/2018 15:02
Sethis are you serious? Do you know how disgustingly offensive your post is? If you think so little of Thailand and Thai people, don’t go there. I could go into every one of your statements but I don’t see the point as you clearly think it’s acceptable to speak like that about a whole country full of people, I don’t think I can change that! Just keep your racist and stereotypical opinions to yourself. Sorry OP, not wanting to derail but couldn’t let that slide.
mermaid30 · 04/11/2018 15:02
@sethis, i actually find your post completely hilarious!!
Just because i gave someone my necklace doesnt mean im a complete naive idiot who gets taken advantage of.
I've travelled the world many times over, I have an amazing job and I'm highly educated. I bought my first house at 23. Added to that, I am kind and considerate. Giving someone a £4 necklace I can get a repeat of back home was no skin off my nose. It was a kind gesture. Would i give them something expensive or sentimental? No way!!
Im with an arsehole right now, but not for long.
Your post, to me, was offensive and made me out to be a frightened silly little girl who knows nothing - raincheck........
My high IQ and loads of money comes with great common sense too. So I'm having a great time in Thailand - like i normally do when i go on my 6 holidays a year. I believe I'm what they call an 'all rounder'....
So as you can all see, my balls are back. And once I'm home ill be an all rounder minus an arse. Just not a perfect person as they dont exist. I made a mistake with this one but ive learnt from it and I thank you all for helping me see the light. 😊
Sethis · 04/11/2018 15:09
I repeat. I have been there. My friends and family have worked there. One of my current colleagues is married to a Thai woman and she says, verbatim, what I posted above.
So by all means, disagree with my point of view, but don't call me racist.
I don't know anything about you, OP, but it's completely abnormal to give a stranger your jewellery because they said they liked it. This does not sound like someone who has travelled the world and is wise to every kind of scam. It makes you sound like a little girl, on top of your posts about fairy tale love. So why are you blaming me for taking you to be what you're presenting yourself as?
mermaid30 · 04/11/2018 15:14
@sethis..... i think youre in the minority on this one, I'd get off my thread if I were you.
Fairytale love I meant as in kind and generous and loving and good 90% of the time.
Do i mean fairytale love as in no arguing, brilliant 100% of the time? Of course I dont, thats unrealistic.
My experience of thailand is nothing like youve described. Im sure if you go to seedy parts thats what you'll experience! But as I haven't, I haven't seen that. Ive experienced fair prices, excellent service and friendly people. I love a good haggle so I'm in my element.
Take your narrow mind somewhere else.
Sethis · 04/11/2018 15:23
Ah, because you disagree with my point of view, and my opinion, and my experiences are different to yours.... that makes me narrow minded?
I thought it just meant we had different points of view, and could agree to disagree, or find a middle ground and compromise.
For the record, I've worked in many different countries inside and outside the EU, and lived for years in Africa, which is a continent I treasure more than I can say. I'm typing this from another country as we speak, because I work outside the UK for 9 months a year. However I don't believe that any country is perfect, or better than all the others. Every country has problems.
Me having a low opinion of a country based on my own experiences, and the experiences of people I respect and trust, doesn't make me racist, and it doesn't make you right and me wrong. Me being in the minority on this thread doesn't make me wrong. It just means we have different perspectives.
If you can't tolerate other people taking part in a discussion when they articulate an opinion different to your own, then I'll happily leave you in peace.
I honestly and truly wish you the best with getting rid of your partner.
mermaid30 · 04/11/2018 15:37
My south african friend admits africans arent very tactful - maybe that explains where you get it from.
You attacked me based on what you thought of me. And then you projected your experience of a country onto me. You didn't express your viewpoint....
That would have been 'be careful in Thailand, from my experience they.....' instead you attacked me.
My version of sharing opinions and your version are very different. Like my version of kindness and yours is. So we can agree to disagree if you like.
Dont worry, ill be getting rid. All the best to you.
EmmaGeddon · 04/11/2018 16:13
Referring to the OP as a clueless Farang sounds horribly racist and incredibly disrespectful to Thai people.
OP you sound like a woman who knows what she wants and the bloke you are currently with ain't it. Good luck with unshackling yourself from him and meanwhile enjoy Thailand.
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