To expect fairytale love?
mermaid30 · 02/11/2018 04:47
So I guess everyones dream in love is for it to be like a fairytale. But mine's not. I met my partner online and everything was great for the first 9 months - I thought this was it. Then he lied to me about something. He's very tight, he's very selfish. He sometimes doesn't take no for an answer if u get my drift. He's so close to his mom, which is nice but also he will tell her things first before me. That upsets me sometimes.
He doesnt really like my family and runs them down a lot. This really hurts me.
On the other hand he can be really genuine and kind.
Weve been together about 19 months and have talked about marriage and children although he won't move in with me yet, he says minimum 2 years dating before any of that happens.....
I love him but I also have nagging doubts. Is my view of love unreasonable??
I'm 30 in a couple of months.... I'm worried about the whole dating scene again?! And I would like children but time is running out for me.
I'm feeling really confused at the moment ☹
Isleepinahedgefund · 02/11/2018 09:43
One good thing is that you know what he thinks about the finances, childcare etc now - so many people get a nasty surprise when they’re in a relationship they think is equal and things become apparent after the children are already there.
However, why you’d continue with the relationship knowing these things, I don’t know. It’s one thing compromising and settling for someone who doesn’t quite meet all your criteria (put the list in the bin by the way....), it’s another to pursue a relationship with someone who is already controlling and abusive, and has outlined their intention to be more so in the future.
When someone tells you who they are, listen.
ReanimatedSGB · 02/11/2018 09:57
I really think some counselling would be a good idea - not 'relationship' counselling - it's useless or even harmful with an abusive man, and this prick is abusive. I reread your other thread: you lost both your parents when you were pretty young, and that might be why you are so desperate to be loved that you will settle for a piece of shit like this man.
Do you have any good friends, siblings, cousins or aunts or uncles you are close to? I think you need to feel that someone cares about you - most people do - but this man doesn't, and never will. He doesn't like women and sees couple-relationships as a battle he has to 'win', which means he will always be abusive and any woman involved with him will always be unhappy.
MsHopey · 02/11/2018 09:58
I will say relationships are hard work, there's bad days, disagreements, health issues, money issues, the list is massive.
My husband has flaws, I have flaws, I can't imagine anyone out there doesn't have any. You realistically decide if the good stuff outweighs the bad, to me, the fact you've wrote this post shows the bad stuff is winning, that's okay, and you are allowed to leave.
Do not stay with someone you can't imagine being with forever because you are worried you are NEARLY 30! 29 is nothing.
The guy you are meant to be with could be round the corner, he might not be, but this person doesn't sound like he's the man for you.
Different things stuck out to me, and I'm going to sound like a fat shit, but
bit more food on my plate than him
My husband will give me his last piece of chicken, his last bit of cake, his last £1 to his name. He is one of the least selfish people I know, and that has been an amazing quality to have when it comes to parenting.
Kids take up time, money, and food off your plate, is he going to be just as ridiculous with your child? From the sounds of your childcare talk, probably.
Obviously with threads like this you rarely mention the amazing things he does (if there's any) but I think you need to realise if you are not happy you shouldn't settle just because you are worried.
It would be ridiculous to think, "he doesn't cheat on me or beat me so he's not that bad".
At 19 months in you should be thinking of marriage and kids, probably at 29 it's got you thinking. But imagining spending the rest of you life with him seems overwhelming (in a bad way?) Is not a good sign.
I couldn't imagine spending my life with anyone other than DH, and I think that's how it's supposed to be.
It doesn't have to be a fairy tale, I imagine it very rarely is. But you are supposed to sound happy when you talk about your future life partner, not sound like you are dull of dread.
Gazelda · 02/11/2018 10:03
Don't feel trapped! You have choices. You have options. You just need some confidence and courage.
YoI know that you don't deserve to be treated in this way. You also know he won't change for the better (I'd bet he'll be one a hell of a lot worse if you were to live together, marry, have children).
Call him. Tell him it's not working out for you.
That you're not compatible long term. Wish him well.
Take some time to enjoy friendships and your own company. Rebuild your self esteem.
Then you can look forward to the future.
Annasgirl · 02/11/2018 10:06
Oh please do not waste another precious moment of your beautiful life with this man. You are only 30 - believe me you have the best years ahead of you so do not spend another second of them with this man. Please get some support IRL and follow the directions of some more experienced people on the site here. Good luck - you can do it, posting here shows you know you should leave.
TheSpooktacular · 02/11/2018 10:11
If he wasn’t nice ‘sometimes’ you wouldn’t be with him though. It’s how he keeps you there.
You need to work on your self esteem, but not with him. Go for counselling on your own. Never go for counselling with an abusive person as they manipulate it.
For some reason you feel it’s better to be with an unpleasant man than to be single. Being with someone is better than being with no-one. Well it isn’t. You need some help to learn that being on your own is ok and you can be perfectly happy and confident that way, before you look at meeting someone else. And you’re only almost 30, you have bags of time! But you need to work on you first.
Time is not running out for you. If you get married and have children, not only are you introducing children into a shitty situation which isn’t fair, you really will feel trapped and you’ll be looking back wondering what the fuck you’ve done.
YouBetterWOooOooOoo · 02/11/2018 11:04
What Spooktacular said with bells on.
I was engaged to my ex. We had a mortgage (no kids though). Anyway, he was a twat, an absolute manchild who had no sense of responsibility, drank too much and was verbally abusive whenever he did, pissed money up the wall. I felt like his mother, and he would say all I ever did was "nag". Awful fucking word.
Anyway, even in spite of all that it was hard to leave. The unknown is scary. I had the feeling that I'd made my bed and should lie in it. But I dumped his ass, finally.
The house was left in negative equity, I tried to rent it out and we'd equally chip in for the shortfall except he never did and it ended in voluntary reposession. I had to move back to my hometown and live with my mother, get a new job.
I met DH at that job, married at 34 and had DD when I was 38. He is an amazing man, puts DD and me first, does his share of work, I couldn't ask for more.
I left this twat, went back on a engagement, left a house behind, left my job, after 4 years invested with him. You can leave OP, 19 months is no time at all. You could text him today if you wished, 'You're dumped, arsehole', and that would be that.
There is time for a future with a decent man. You are worth so much more than what this knobhead is offering. He isn't kind, if he was a twat all the time you'd have left already.
SEsofty · 02/11/2018 11:16
Please please don’t waste your time with this man anymore.
Real fairytale love is being with someone who makes you happy and when it is always better when they are around and who you connect with about fundamentals.
It is not someone who the thought of being with forever makes you overwhelmed.
Rather it’s the thought that you could no more be not with them than not have one of your legs
WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/11/2018 11:20
I just want a man who will love me unconditionally, be kind and generous and caring with a positive attitude.
That's not unrealistic or a fairytale. That's a very good description of a normal, happy relationship.
Thank FORK this guy has refused to live together! That makes it very easy to escape. Just start dialling things back, cancel a date, then say, "I'm afraid this isn't working for me and I don't want to see you anymore." Then block all contact because he will try to get you back with threats, insults and really horrible things that you don't need to hear.
I was 29 and met a total arse. He treated me so poorly - was stingey, selfish, point-scored and smoked dope all the time. I was living alone in London with a great job, having the time of my life, but I gave it all up and left it all behind to marry him because I was so scared I'd never meet anyone else. Argh.
That was nearly 20 years ago now. We're divorced, but I still know that it changed the course of my life for the worse and that everything would be different, even now, if I'd just dumped his stupid arse.
mermaid30 · 02/11/2018 14:46
I think I'm worried about hurting him to be honest. Im a natural empath - I'd like to think im kind and generous to everyone.....
We're currently in thailand and on the plane over here, we landed in bangkok and the stewards asked of there was a doctor/nurse on the flight so i went and dealt with another passenger. On my way back, a lady stopped me and said she liked my necklace. So i gave it her. It cost like £4/5 and I'm not materialistic - it made her day. Which made me feel good!
He said he wouldn't have done it, it was a nice necklace....
Hes so tight he barely tips anywhere either which embarasses me but im getting used to it.
Hes materialistic and thats a trait i cant stand either.
He wants a second car.
I just want to be happy and healthy.
I am sad he isnt what i thought he was. But you lot are right- thank god i know now.
Wish me luck when we get back from thailand!!
Notacluewhatthisis · 02/11/2018 14:53
Honestly, you don't want to hurt him, you're a natural empath, you took your necklace off and gave it to someone because they complimented it?
I am not materialistic. My favourite piece of jewellery cost £2, but do saw it and knew i would love it. That What's makes it my favourite.
Your view of yourself and how you want to be, is damaging you.
I am not saying his view is right. But there is a sliding scale and you are both on extreme ends.
HenryInTheTunnel · 02/11/2018 15:51
It's not healthy to put everyone else's happiness before your own. I can sometimes do this too, though not to the extent you describe, and all that happens is that you end up feeling resentful that actually nobody treats you the way you want to be treated.
Just like he doesn't see his faults, you also don't see how you are treating yourself and making your needs unimportant.
He isn't meeting your expectations.
So end it. He's an adult and will get over it.
By this time next year you could be in a lovely new relationship wondering why you spent so much as a minute on this man.
amicissimma · 02/11/2018 17:17
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Darkstar4855 · 02/11/2018 17:25
Trust your instincts, OP. Empaths are incredibly vulnerable to being exploited by controlling, self centered, emotionally abusive partners.
My ex was charming at first but the cracks showed after about a year. He became increasingly demanding, selfish and controlling - and sadly I know exactly what you mean about not taking no for an answer too.
I ignored my doubts for 2.5 years, finally got out at age 35. Thought it was too late for a family. Met my now-partner six months later and at 38 I am expecting our first child next month. He is very much an empath too - a kind, gentle man who always puts my needs first. I don’t know about fairytales but I definitely have no doubt that this is a loving and healthy relationship and I am extremely happy.
It sends shivers down my spine to think that I might have stayed with my ex, ended up trapped with him because we’d had children, and missed out on all the happiness I have now.
Ohyesiam · 02/11/2018 17:26
Op you can have love from a good man. You can have love and respect and mutual understanding from a good hearted man.
Just stick to your dream, look for the signs of materialism etc when you meet someone. Stick to your guns.
I met the man of my dreams when I was 36, big hearted, generous and loving. You can have it too x
Youseethethingis · 02/11/2018 17:44
Better alone and happy than alone and stuck with this waste of skin you describe. All he is doing is blocking the way for someone who will love you and treat you right. Not rape you ( you may think thats harsh but if he doesnt take no for an answer, he IS a rapist) and isolate you from your family and friends. This is a slippery slope and i really hope you find the strength to get off it
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