I need to have a difficult conversation with a colleague today.

[TheWifeofRequirement]

I’m 6 months into a role where I’m an expert in charge of a team of slightly junior experts.

My colleague used to be a junior expert under another ‘head of’ who had the role before me, but before I was given the job my colleague took a sideways step into a facilitation role which, although requires him to have some knowledge of my area, no longer requires him to get involved in the day to day.

Anyway, since I started, this colleague has struggled to maintain distance from the specialism and is dictating to me how to do said specialism on a daily basis.

It all came to a head over the last 2 days. He asked me to proof read an email and give feedback before it went to a client. I read it, and asked him to make a minor change because he was promising something in the email I’m not prepared to deliver. It was a minor thing: basically he promised to report to them daily which would be untenable from a commercial perspective and would put pressure on my team for no additional benefit. I asked him to change this to weekly reports and adhoc check ins with the client, he argued back and I clarified that as it’s my team delivering this, it will be weekly not daily.

He sent the email promising daily reporting.

I feel patronised, undermined and really bloody cross.

His role is to facilitate, not to dictate to me how to do my job and I’m now going to have to phrase this in a way that’s diplomatic and I’m struggling.

WIBU to basically tell him to back the fuck off and let me do my job? If so, how on earth do I phrase this??

End him. End him now.

stabby stabby stab stab stab fucking stab

OK, I agree you need to improve your management style but you are
a)fairly new to this aspect of the role
b) constantly reflecting on what you have done and how you can improve your management style.
This dick is not new and has never reflected on his performance which is why he will never be as good as you and was moved out of the role.
I think your manager wants you to take a lead in managing this relationship as he knows this guy will always try and undermine and interfere.
Remember you have evidence that you have already turned around your teams viability and performance. Quote numbers if you have to. You have already out performed him. Take confidence and courage from that.

I have no constructive advice but you rock, op.

His line manager IS my line manager, I report into the MD and so does he, although there is a ‘soft’ layer of management between him and the MD but if I was going to report him for anything it would be to him.

I’m not going to my manager as it happens, he’s made it clear he has no intention of stepping in for whatever reason and I think he’ll see an escalation to that point as a failing on my part. I need to handle this and somehow, both OD and I need to come out alive.

Or at least, there needs to be an acceptable level of reasonable doubt if he doesn’t survive.

Ooooh I am all of the stabby on your behalf right now OP - I get a bit 'Momma Bear' about my team members and have stepped in on more than one occasion when other folk have tried bypassing me to try to get them to do something that's not in their remit.

I think you're doing brilliantly but would echo what others have said in that every single exchange you have with the odious shitpickle needs documenting - it all adds to the rope he will end up hanging himself with

This is a gift! He is hanging himself with this behavior, and you haven't even had to hand him the rope :)

Just be sure to kick that chair with precision and with professionalism.

Im inviting him to my office (he works in a different office) on Tuesday afternoon for a 2 hour session and naming the meeting ‘OD commercials training’. Our calendars are public and I won’t make the invite private.

I am going to walk him through so many organisational diagrams he’ll be shitting pyramids for a fucking week.

I have 4 20 slide presentations on the process we have in place now. 1 for team members to understand how it works, one for clients, one for the senior management team/ board and one I’ve just finished putting together for a lecture I’m delivering on the subject in a months time to some business psychology post grads. The fucker is going to sit through all fucking four.

The preamble will be ‘you have misunderstood the process we work to as demonstrated last week when you briefed a task to a junior team member. It’s very important to the business that all stakeholders understand our new ways of working, so I’ve offered to walk you through it’

Thank me later, prick.

This is a gift! He is hanging himself with this behavior, and you haven't even had to hand him the rope

This. Deal with the very specific issue he's created quickly and keep doing it until he has no choice but to stop, or he's produced so much evidence of stupidity you have his testes in your palm.

• Be faultlessly polite, but reiterate the systems you've put in place and remind him he'd just agreed to stick to them.
• Do it in writing. Ask him to clarify that he understands the new systems or to identify some exact training needs.
• Put in writing exactly how much money he cost by not following the correct procedure.
• If you have any emails from management praising the new systems it's worth quoting those to him.
• Correct your team member for not doing what they should have done- this is not just OD's fault.
• In the emails keep repeating that you met and spoke and he has already agreed to this, so it's clear that you aren't going too hard and too fast.

God I’m furious.

If he wants to try and drown my team in busy work, I’m going to flatten him with process.

My narrative is ‘this is the process, follow it and shit gets done. Don’t follow it and clients are not serviced correctly, which falls firmly in your list of problems not mine’

Then inevitably, later it will be ‘he just can’t get his head around our system and consistently lacks commercial awareness. It’s a pity because I delivered a 2 hour training session to him 1 on one personally and have reminded him to use the correct process at every juncture. I just don’t think he can let go unfortunately. It’s a real head scratcher’

Yes, I’ll be the very picture of the consummate professional, he won’t get me on attitude or professionalism.

I agree I need to clarify with the team that if they’re briefed something in a way that goes again our process, they need to raise it with me or push back. I know exactly why my team member didn’t though and exactly why OD asked him and not one of the others. He picked the team member with the least confidence and least self esteem and I think that more than anything is the bit I’m really angry about.

It's a good plan, he can't claim he doesn't know the process after the "training" has been delivered.

As for your team member, let them hide behind your shield, ie "sorry, I have to pass all requests through the wife". It's not their decision then, they're just going to reiterate yours.

wife, you are inspiring me to stiffen my backbone in dealing with some colleagues who make my life difficult for a variety of reasons (Mr Flap-n-Fuss, Mr Over-Promoted, Mr Vague), all while pulling things together for a Director of Micro-Managing.

Ovaries of Steel indeed.

THAT'S more like it! You'll nail it!

YES YOU GO LADIES!

You are so ace!!!

Can your member of staff go on an assertiveness course and perhaps get some mentoring so next time an OD comes along they are empowered to utterly disarm them?

You're doing fine, OP. he is a childish twat.

Personally, I'd send an email to my team reminding them of the process and that if any work gets to them any other way they need to come to you to discuss as previous methodology had proven to be poor on cost/benefit analysis front and MD preferred your more effective skilled approach. Also, say that if anyone is unclear on the process to come to YOU. (You may have someone in your team who is his friend)

Then, I'd forward it to him afterwards as a reminder of how he fits in the process (he doesn't) as perhaps he'd misunderstood you earlier.

Then, on a F2F basis, I'd tell him to stop acting like a fucking child and grow the fuck up as you both have the same overall business objective and his behaviour has been noticed by others. I'd mention how you'd spoken to the MD who was happy for you to address 121. He does not need to know detail. Just mention how MD is keen for him to work with you well. Not untrue, just vague.

I worked with someone like this. In the end I told him that I could make his job easy or difficult, too - is that what he wanted? Did he want a bitter, resentful person looking for problems with his work, because I would. He backed off - he was just seeing what he could get away with. Inside I was trembling, I'd never do that stuff, but the threat was enough...

Good luck, you're not useless, you're just nice!

It’s easy to be brave in your underpants on the sofa with a tub of ice cream

I suspect my anger will subside overnight and my backbone with liquify again shortly.

Right now though I’m riding a wave of indignant fury and it’s getting rather Machiavellian.

DH is at work so alas, no rage shag this evening so ice cream will have to do.

An early night is in the cards most definately though, I think some of my over emotional stuff is because I’m exhausted quite honestly.

I’m definately going to waste 2 hours of his time with a mammoth training session, see how he likes it

He clearly needs to be "trained" by you!!! 🤣

Love the fact you've found your backbone!

I like the way you think, OP

Don’t lose your fire

After the training, please give him a certificate of attendance, not competence, just attendance for now

oP you are handling this well. Calm cold fury is the way. Just let him see calm and cold. He is definitely trying to undermine you and playing out some fantasy of being the rescuer for the team and clients. Do not trust him an inch from now on.

Don't skirt around the issue, nail his bollocks to the flag pole. If he is as much as a tool as you make him out to be stop biting your tongue and address each matter as it comes up in a calm, factual way until he gets the message that you are far more of a match for him than he anticipated.