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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU In wanting to wipe the smug grin off his face?

254 replies

KungFuPandaWorks · 30/10/2018 17:29

Backstory

I have a friend (A) who I am fairly closewith. A got with her boyfriend (B) about 3 years ago, I always thought he was a bit of a bellend but couldn't put my finger on why.A is also currently 7 months pregnant.

2 Weeks ago
I was leaving my house at about 8.30am, and I see my neighbour kissing a man goodbye at the door and as he starts walking away, we lock eyes. It's B! His face drops, and he looks like he's going to pass out. He quickly rushes past me and turns off the street. I casually asked the neighbour
"Aww is that your new fella?"
She smiles and said "sort of. Just keeping it quiet at the moment though and see where we go."

I phone DH and tell him exactly what I saw and how I always thought he was a dodgy bastard. He must be thick to be shagging a bird who lives on the same street of As friend - he's even been to our bloody house!

DH tries to be the voice of reason, that maybe I got the wrong end of the stick, he surely wouldn't cheat on A. If I go running to A with this information and it is something fairly innocent I would look a twat and stress out a pregnant woman and I can't be getting stressed out being pregnant myself.

That night, guess who knocks on? The neighbour! B had obviously filled her in that he knows me and I'm his girlfriend's friend. Turns out my neighbour knew she was screwing a taken man, and had fell for the bullshit cliche of "I will leave her just need to find the right time"
I asked her did she know he has a heavily pregnant partner at home, she said yes but she has no guilt because B said the child was never planned A basically forced him into the baby, and it's only because of the baby why he hasn't left yet.

I asked her why on earth she would be telling me this, surely she should be trying to play it down and minimise it. Turns out the snakey cow wanted me to give A all the gorey details in the hopes she kicks B out so the neighbour can finally have him!

Me and DH discussed this at length and decided to not saying anything, as I honestly didn't want to stress her out and as people always say stay out of it.

Today

(Saw the twat leaving again yesterday morning) A has come into my salon for a catchup, and she's saying how B has been amazing throughout the pregnancy, how excited he is and they're even discussing marriage. She's in the salon for about 40 minutes before cockhead comes in.

He struts in cocky as hell, and makes the comment "people are gonna think you're following me soon"

A asks what he means, and he mentions how he saw me yesterday leaving a customers house! A just looked really confused at me and went "you never said you saw B yesterday KungFu"

I played it off as baby brain and why I didn't mention it. But never in my life have I felt the urge to inflict so much damage on someone as I did that moment in time.

He's got me over a barrel now hasn't he? I can't say anything because of how long I've left it and he would easily bullshit saying it's a customer (he's a tradesman). The only way I could prove I was telling the truth is letting A meet up with the neighbour, but A honestly doesn't deserve that does she?

Please don't tell me I should have told her 2 weeks ago, I thought I was doing the right thing but in reality I was being cowardly. Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Maryann1975 · 31/10/2018 08:15

Tell her everything you know, including the kiss you saw. If you don’t tell her you saw them kiss and it comes out a few weeks later (which it will), that’s far worse imo. Once she knows, she can start to move forward and re plan the next few months of her life. But I think it will be far easier for her to do that while pregnant than it will with a small baby around.

t00dle00 · 31/10/2018 08:18

Tell her.

homeishere · 31/10/2018 08:26

Just tell the truth. Explain what you saw, and why you kept quiet. Explain that your neighbour has been very upfront and pass on her number or something so she can corroborate.

Explain that you’re not being held to ransom by the smarmy twat. If she breaks off your friendship then c’est la vie

theodoracrainsgloves · 31/10/2018 08:30

Be honest: you didn't tell her immediately because you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and your DH said the same (!), but your neighbour then told you everything and you were going to tell her in the salon that day but his coming in scared you, because you feel threatened by him.

He's trying to wield power over two heavily pregnant women. He's an arsehole and deserves to be exposed. Your friend will thank you for it one day.

Scrumplestiltskin · 31/10/2018 08:58

You have to tell her, or you're complicit in his affair. It sucks, but you've got to pony up and do it. Sit her down and tell her what you've said here, even down to not knowing if it would be terrible to tell her or terrible not to, and that you have agonised over it it for a week, but you've realised it's better that she knows, as he may never do the right thing. It's the only ethical thing to do, telling her.

Mulberry72 · 31/10/2018 09:08

What a pair of arseholes this man an your neighbour are!

Absolutely tell your friend OP, today.

Don’t let this go on any longer for your friends sake. Good luck xx

Ginseng1 · 31/10/2018 09:16

What an absolute turd! The poor woman is pregnant carrying HIS child. this gives me the rage. Sounds like whatever happens she will end up a single mom eventually tell her now & be there for her. She might not believe you, she might get mad at you but the truth will out in the end. He will leave her or continue to be an ass and get caught.

ChasedByBees · 31/10/2018 09:22

Just tell her the truth. Say what you saw and tell her you didn’t want to stress her during the pregnancy. All of that is true.

I agree that she needs to know before making decisions about birth partners and names.

ivykaty44 · 31/10/2018 09:23

I’d tell her, but expect your friendship to be very difficult, be loyal to your friend and don’t play his games

Eventually she will find out and when she does he will make sure she know you knew all along...

YuhBasic · 31/10/2018 09:29

Just tell her! Why wouldn’t you? You’re supposed to be her friend! 😮

whynotgetalong · 31/10/2018 11:03

'Friend A, I need to tell you something. I've been trying to figure out how to tell you this without upsetting you, but I think the best thing is to just say it. Boyfriend B is having an affair with my neighbour. I've been seeing her with someone, kissing goodbye type thing. I could have sworn it was Boyfriend B, but kept telling myself there's no way he could cheat on Friend A. Then the neighbour came over to say she was in fact sleeping with Boyfriend B, he told her that his girlfriend is pregnant, he feels trapped, doesn't want the baby, etc and I was so shocked the other day when he even admitted in front of you that I have been seeing him with his new woman. I should have said something at the time, but I was shocked speechless and didn't want to hurt you. I'm so sorry I didn't say anything last week, but I was shocked and also afraid that you wouldn't believe me but I'm getting more and more concerned about your health and the health of the baby if he's sleeping around with other women. And when you mentioned that you two are talking about getting married, well you need to know all the facts.' Followed if necessary with 'If you don't believe me, come speak to my neighbour/his new woman.'

Maybe invite Friend A to your house to have the conversation and then you are only a 5 min walk away from the neighbour if she wants to meet her to confirm what you are saying.

It will be horrible, she will be upset and probably mad at your for a while but it must be done. Good Luck OP!

DryIce · 31/10/2018 11:12

Of course you should tell her OP, why wouldn't you?

Weirdly it seems like you had every intention of telling her until your neighbour came and asked you to. You wouldn't be doing it to help your neighbour "win" this guy, you'd be doing it because it's the right thing to do

Santaclarita · 31/10/2018 11:14

You're not much of a friend. I'd have shouted at him as soon as I saw him and immediately phoned my friend to tell her what a twat he is. Why did you let him get away with it? Of course he's smug, he probably thinks you want him too because you said nothing.

ivykaty44 · 31/10/2018 11:24

Santa your post is rather nasty 🤢 which is probably why you would do what you’ve written without taking a step back and assessing the situation to see whether there is another method with less damage for the wife

Aeroflotgirl · 31/10/2018 11:31

I would tell the poor woman,your loyalties are with her, not bellend twat. She needs to know.

Santaclarita · 31/10/2018 11:32

How could you limit the damage done? The prick is cheating on his pregnant wife. That's his fault, not the ops. You can't make him unfuck the neighbour. You can't do damage control. He screwed up.

Sparklesocks · 31/10/2018 11:57

I would be quite upset if a friend knew this information about my relationship and didn’t tell me. Think about if it was reversed, you’d want to know surely?

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorks · 31/10/2018 12:34

I know I need to tell her and I will. I gave my reasons for not saying right away, I understand to some people the reasons are cowardly.

Nobody wants to be the person delivering bad news,especially in these circumstances.

OP posts:
theOtherPamAyres · 31/10/2018 12:39

Op, you say that you are "fairly close" to A. I may be reading too much into that, but I get the impression that she's not very close - ie she's not the kind of friend that you would invite to your birthday party, or your wedding or go out with regularly. She may be a client that you see occasionally, but have got to know quite well.

Even though you have been set up to fire the bullets, you may not close enough to her to be in a position to offer any practical support after you've fired them.

It's a tough dilemma, but having been on the receiving end of giving a "fairly close" friend some unwanted information (and suffering a horrendous backlash, even though it was accurate and I had the evidence), I advise caution.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/10/2018 12:43

Please don't tell me I should have told her 2 weeks ago
Well you should have and you are being a coward.
Big girl pants.
Tell her everything you know.
What you've seen and the conversations you've had with both parties.

I really judged my friends for not telling me when my ExH was cheating on me.
I felt like a complete and utter fool.
Don't allow her to feel like that.
They are flaunting this so tell her before she finds out from someone far less sensitive!

hewhinessoshewines · 31/10/2018 12:46

You got this op. She's your friend just be there to pick up the pieces

Deedeeseesee · 31/10/2018 12:53

I found out after my dd was born that my (Not so)DH had been cheating on me throughout my pregnancy and that our close friends knew. We are no longer friends now, they were worried something would happen to me or the baby etc but the whole time was actually really shitty I thought something was off and I didn't know what.

They came round after DD was born and there was a weird vibe coming from them both - a look in their eyes they couldn't hide (pity/guilt etc) it was just awful. When I found out they had known for months I was stunned. We barely talk. Please please tell your friend I wish I had known and it could have potentially saved our friendship.

MeanTangerine · 31/10/2018 12:56

Normally I would adjust you to stay the hell out of it, but

  1. your friend is already wondering why you didn't just say you'd seen B
  2. sounds like your neighbour will spill the beans soon Or
  3. B will dump A, probably shortly after the baby is born, because that is when A will want him to do stuff that isn't just about pleasing himself. Then you will have to look after A while she cries over B.

Whatever : too many people know about it and the ones involved are not bothered about keeping it quiet. A is going to find out.
Do you think your friend would rather hear it from you, or from your horrible neighbour?

And don't try to minimise what you knew when. Be honest with A about what you have seen, and when, and how you just didn't know what the hell to do for the best,and how sorry you are. She's had enough being lied to.

Trogdor · 31/10/2018 13:08

Good luck with telling her op. Better from a true friend, than a bitchy bit on the side trying to ruin her life on purpose.

Neapolitanicecream · 31/10/2018 13:17

It’s only a matter of time before he does the same to ur neighbor!

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