Aibu to be sick of doing it all and getting sh*t for it

[nc3005]

i need a rant so please bear with me.

What is with people (i.e. my “d”p) who refuse or don’t bother to make decisions, leaving the entire burden on you to do so (talking things like holiday planning, organising budgets, joint savings and other finances, meal planning, even what to do on the weekend) and then they get pissy after the fact (sometimes way after) because you - the one who is always left to actually make the decisions/book the tickets/pay the bills/etc or it won’t happen - are “controlling”, don’t let them have ansay etc.
For the record I used to be indecisive and I think I’m a massive people pleaser. I always feel like I need someone else to “approve” before I book something, etc. For a holiday in the recent past I spent ages researching all possible flights, hotels, itineraries, budgets- repeatedly put them in front of dp hoping he’d opine on what he liked. Always the same vague “they all look good”. It ended up costing about a third more because we had left it so late. It was an amazing holiday but he recently threw it back in a row that I’d “just picked all the hotels/etc I liked” and he hadn’t had a say. He also was presented with a list of about 100 wedding venues in a 2 hour radius of us so we could pick and set up viewings. Again, he picked none. We ended up visiting some, picked a gorgeous one that he really liked. Now it’s all “you took control of our wedding planning, I didn’t get a say”. All of this really feeds my anxiety/people pleasing and lose confidence to plan or suggest anything.

I do accounts for a living, we are now combining our finances and I have recently worked out all our upcoming regular and one off expenses and how much we could afford to save for a big purchase in the next 2 years. Have offered to take him through this spreadsheet several times to see if he agrees with the figures. He either is too tired or not engaged. We are as a result a month behind on our savings target as we have yet to transfer direct debits, get our joint account etc. Whenever I raise the joint savings etc he tells me to stop being controlling, he wants “his say” etc- but he has no interest in crunching the numbers with me. If he ever does take an interest he seems happy and he never disagrees, but will throw back in arguments that I’m controlling everything.

For me, it feels like I can’t win. He is either passive aggressively refusing to engage because he disagrees, or he feels guilty that he never does anything, or he resents being so dependent on me to do the heavy lifting. Or all of the above. I keep asking for input, getting nothing, then down the line getting shit for having made the decisions. Might I add that he generally finds women in charge annoying - his SIL and Mum are “nags”, any assertive woman on tv is “annoying”, etc. His mum advised me to “let him think he’s in charge, men like it”. What is it - the 1950s?!?

I’ve half a mind to stop planning our jointly-wanted nice holiday next year until the next time he brings it up. By which time the prices will no doubt have skyrocketed.

Aibu?!?

He moved into the flat I’ve rented for years. Then we put him on the tenancy. I have a great relationship with my landlord and while I live there even before I was sharing the expenses I am able to save as the rent is really reasonable. I would be so gutted to leave as i think of it as my home. Once in a bad row I said I was going to my mums and he said “if you leave don’t come back” and then in another row when I asked him to leave and calm down he was like “no I’m not leaving I pay rent here.”
It’s a mess! I was pretty independent before and now I feel like I am half that.
Thankyou so much for all being kind.

For today OP, I would really recommend you put in a call to Women's Aid and get a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book. You don't have to do anything else yet. I think you've come a long way just in making this thread. It's ok to take things one step at a time.

Women's Aid is a great idea. Also have a watch of

My mum is of the view that my financial future is much better in a couple (my dad eventually left and cut us off for what seemed like years and we struggled so badly, my mums got tunnel vision about not wanting that for me

It's ironic, but that is exactly what is likely to happen if you stayed with him. A happily married couple has an easier time financially, sure - but you can't fix him, and if you marry him, and have kids with him, how long before you simply can't take any more? Imagine being a single mum, but tied to him as the children's father, with him trying to coerce you and control you the whole time.

You have a job, a secure place to live - you can and will be happy.

OP I've been where you are now. Please don't marry him thinking that it will get better or he will work on his behaviour. All that will happen is that you will find yourself and your personality being squeezed into a shell of your former self.

I would bet that the nice times you are talking about only happen when you are doing something he wants to do and you do exactly what he wants you to do. If it's your idea then it's not a good one and even if he doesn't actually say 'no I'm not doing that' he will make it impossible to enjoy whatever it is then blame you for it not being fun.

You will find that over time you stop suggesting things you want to do because you will know he will ruin them so you end up letting him do what he wants and you go along with it for a quiet life.

It's no way to live your life. A partner is supposed to add to your life not be to the detriment of it.

I get the whole embarrassment thing, of not wanting other people to know how he treats you and not wanting to cancel the wedding when everyone knows BUT it's much better to do it now than wait until you've married and/or you have children and he ramps up the unpleasant behaviour. Believe me I know to my cost.

Can you imagine what your life will be like...you get married...have a child...become financially dependent on his...can you imagine how much worse his behaviour will be once you are financially reliant on him and he still expects you to put his interests first even before those of your children?

He will not get better if you marry him.

You could speak to your landlord about the tenancy

Ask him to terminate the joint one and reissue one in your name - he could give 'both' of you notice to quit

If you are a good long term tenant I'm sure he'd be reasonable in helping you out

Oh god, OP. This sounds awful. Seriously, no amount of embarrassment at cancelling the wedding, or regret about the happy ending you wanted will come close to the awfulness of years of being ground down, belittled and emotionally abused if you marry this man. Leave before it gets even harder to break free.

Stop trying to find ways of blaming yourself instead of him. It's his behaviour that's abnormal, not yours. You're not being difficult. In fact you're not being nearly difficult enough!

PPs are right, he is abusive and your mum is blinkered.

As suggested speak to your land lord and see if they can change the tenancy agreement, or if not see if they have other properties you could rent and cancel the current tenancy.

Definitely speak to Women’s Aid and focus on your job.

And stop talking to his mother about his behaviour.

Speak to your LL. He can give you both notice and then set you up in a new tenancy arrangement.

Remember there's never a bad reason to end a relationship. You have every right to say it's not working for you and to end it. You don't have to justify it to anyone.

Honey, get yourself a therapist, and break up with this man. Best-case scenario he isn't on purpose abusive, but it sounds like you two aren't right for each other. You can have superficial fun and good times but when it comes to the long-haul stuff you don't have the same styles (and he sounds like a twat as well). Having hugely different styles for the everyday things isn't compatible with your being your whole self. You can do it, like your mum did, by minimising and managing and so on, but that's a shit way to live really. Live alone, get a therapist, have some casual flings just for fun.

It is not the lovely, charming side of a man you need to worry about (all men, sociopaths included have a nice side), but what the man is like when things go wrong, or not according to plan: the dark side that you need to worry about as that shows the true character.

You say you care, love and want the best for him.

In a healthy relationship and marriage your partner will care, love and want the best for you and be kind and thoughtful to you on a daily basis.

What kind and loving things does your partner do for you on a daily basis? Give you massages? Look at you lovingly? Say how grateful he is for the things you do for him?

Op you are describing a NIGHTMARE with a SOCIOPATHIC MONSTER and you are like this poor fluffy rabbit in a cage on a train that is heading for a tunnel whic has red flags plastered all of it where there is DISASTER and LONG TERM MISERY.

BUT! there is a small sidetrack that is a bit bumpy but ultimately will carry you away to FREEDOM and a HAPPY EVER AFTER!

FGS take the sidetrack! Get off the train!!!

DO NOT MARRY HIM!! RED FLAG RED FLAG

REREAD ALL THE POSTS OP.

AND DO NOT MARRY HIM!!

TALK TO YOUR LANDLORD and tell him to see if he can change the tenancy.

Your goal must now be to get him out of your life for good but you won't be able to do that if you STILL think he's wonderful husband/father material!

How long do you think his hold over you will last? How much more do you want to be humiliated and upset by him? Can you see your future children crying daily because he is as cruel to them as he is to you?

Cancelling a wedding is much easier than a divorce.

You talk about the wedding as if you can't possibly call it off because of all the people/money. No wonder he wanted a big white wedding rather than your preferred registry office ceremony - it makes it so much harder for you to walk away.

Imagine how much harder it will be for you to call time on the relationship once you're married. Or, god forbid, have children.

Yes im ashamed to say this would feel like a very public breakup and I was so happy when we got engaged, the thought of all that just ending or having to deal with the associated feelings of breaking off the engagement and living alone again.. it taps into every panic and anxiety I have. Today I’m still feeling rubbish about that exchange last night, but he seems absolutely fine! I don’t understand what about him brings out this real panic and fear in me, both when we argue and after. He’s not some master of the universe, I don’t think objectively he is an impressively intimidating person and his arguing style is just teenage yet it really panics and hurts me. It’s like my calm has come to depend on him. He obv doesn’t feel that way as he can upset and frighten me so much with his outburst so and reprimands. I’ve always been quite forthright and I am like that at work, with my family and friends but I feel like with him I have become less like that. Even while this thread is really helping me digest and slowly calm down, today has been so hard.

He’s conditioned you to feel like this, probably subconsciously, but it’s all part and parcel of an abusive partner. All those small little insecurities he’s been poking you with over the years all add up to your anxiety now. You’ll probably feel a whole host better when he’s gone

I know you’re embarrassed about breaking up before the wedding, but take it from someone who knows - it’s a lot worse ha I f to get divorced and far more embarrassing

With regards to the tenancy, can you talk to your LL if you make your decision to leave. He can serve you both notice to leave and then set you up as a single tenant again.

@nc3005

Have you watched the Lundy Bancroft video a PP uploaded? It’s an hour. Watch it. You will see your partner. He is an abuser. He won’t change - he doesn’t want to. He wants power.

As an aside, a friend of mine just got married because she was scared of the public breakup. She’s now separated 3 months after the wedding. She would have much rather been embarrassed than waiting out a divorce.

Merryoldgoat I am going to watch that as soon as I get home. I can honestly say that a lot of these replies have helped me avoid my usual acts after a row (seek reassurance, apologise profusely, obsessively look at my phone). I am beginning to crystallise it all in my mind which is honestly so far from where I was yesterday

Hi nc3005. I work as a counsellor in an abuse setting and he is actually following a set pattern. People like him choose younger people or people with anxiety or self esteem issues because they are easier to manipulate. All the people on this thread have given you good advice now you need to take it. The pattern is to gradually make you feel always in the wrong, to keep you off balance and to make you stop questioning him or challenging him. To be always questioning yourself and to make you walk on eggshells. Don't let him win. As a PP said ask your landlord to give you both notice and you a new contract if he can. Or move if you have to. He will always make you feel you are in the wrong. A good partner makes you feel stronger not more anxious. I hope you can sort it out. And the support workers at women's aid are very helpful and can give some good advice and sources of support.

OP I have 2 friends who married despite reservations. Neither marriage lasted the year. They were MUCH more embarrassed about it after their guests had all paid money for presents and given up their time to travel to their wedding, than they would have been had they had to call it off before it happened.

Both are also blissfully happy now with great new husbands and lovely kids. Their twats of ex husbands have flitted from woman to woman and never stuck anything out.

@nc3005

I’m fortunate enough to not have ever been in an abusive relationship, however my sister has.

I watched the video out of interest and it described him to a T - it’s excellent.

You’ll be fine - the veil is falling and thank god it did before you got married.

And don’t hide it - it’s nothing to be ashamed of. If people ask why you’re having trouble/splitting up TELL THEM. Don’t let his ‘good guy’ image remain untarnished.

I would stick my neck out and say that the reason he appeared to be such an understanding and willing listener early in your relationship was because it was an information gathering mission for him. He’s stored that knowledge in order to control you in the long term.

That business about insisting on accompanying you? He isn’t needy, he’s controlling. He doesn’t miss you , he’s trying to cut off all your potential sources of outside support.

nc3005 if you would like a pdf copy of the Lundy book to have on your phone to read, please let me know as I can send it to you.

What inertia said. With bells on.
I wanted to reply earlier, but had a long drive ahead and I was already late.

I was soul-fished (my term) by a charming, caring, complimentary, supportive, funny, well-liked man. I left my marriage to be with my 'soul-mate. Then, when the charade ended and his nature showed through - in little ways at first - I felt, despite my husband wanting me back, that I couldn't go back because of 'what people would say' and 'what people would think'.

The bits you have seen so far is just the start. If you marry this person and bear his children, when it becomes absolutely intolerable and you have to divorce him, you will have to deal with him for the rest of your life, over the children, the finances, just everything.

I spent six years and only felt empowered when he was being spiteful to my elderly dog. I googled 'how to leave an arrogant man' and when I read the results - basically he was a total narcissist - and the description of the victim, their thoughts, excuses, egg-shell treading, the little hooks to keep us, I just cried - with relief I think. It actually wasn't me!! It was him!! I wasn't mad!! Then I felt sick. The gas-lighting, believing it was my fault, I was disrespectful, I 'told him off' (he used to walk into the sitting room and try to play his guitar over the TV I was watching, daring me to object)..... we had four other rooms he could have used... the lies (pointless little lies to friends and I would be agog at the silliness of it, but too afraid to say anything), lies about his education, blatant ones, about his skills, qualifications etc etc

I'm sorry this is so long, but there are so many similarities to my experience it is quite, quite chilling. I would say this man does not even like you, has no respect for you (or women generally) and will get delight from abusing you, just because he can.

To cut a long story short and after months of counselling, and after a couple of years on my own, I have a wonderful DP and you deserve the same.

Please listen to the advice. I would add, keep a note of all the spiteful things he says, the things you can't believe you heard correctly and when you have dumped his sad arse, read them over when you feel you may be over reacting. It is very sobering.

THAnks so much notwiththeseknees. That sounds so awful and Thankyou for your honesty about all that as it rang a lot of bells for me. The “telling him off” as though I’m a schoolteacher instead of his “partner”. The sulking and claiming things were said or done different than I remember. And weirdly this “him” is like another person from the one I was first with. Literally another person. He used to be sensitive, fun, supportive, considerate. To be replaced with crude, lethargic to the point of obnoxious, refusing to make joint decisions or support my choices, contemptuous of my obvious hurt. It’s mjnd boggling.