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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIBU - telling a mother how to feed her baby

IABURQO · 2018-10-30T09:01:47+00:00

<1 year old baby was always very thin and now lost more weight, health visitors are advising the mother on the diet. The mother does things that I think are really stupid in this situation and I'm finding it increasingly hard to bite my tongue. I appreciate all babies are different and it's never easy, but despite knowing the baby is desperately underweight the mother: - has been doing controlled crying, giving water instead of milk at night - dropped a milk feed because the baby is on solids, I've heard the baby making "neee" hungry sounds and then she's being given water - gives rice crackers as a snack - gives nasty bland food like just avocado on bread (not tasty bread, no pepper, no butter, no lemon) - the few times I've had a chance to offer for the baby homemade (no sugar, no salt, no honey) savoury pastries, pancake, lasagna, muffins have all been guzzled up, the mother says she's glad the baby eats it, then I see her giving the baby e.g. cucumber when the baby is shouting for more fatty carbs! So the baby spits out the cucumber and the mother declares the baby has finished eating. I've tried gentle suggestions like how much all the babies like pastries, how the "neee" noise sounds like hunger etc already. I know it's unreasonable to say anything, I don't see the baby much to know what's going on and the health visitors are dealing with it. It's just so bloody hard though, especially when I get unasked for input from the mother about controlled crying (no thanks, I will not leave my baby crying, it's unnecessary for me). I just want the baby to put on weight and that's what the mother wants too. But if she wanted input from me then she'd ask, right? I like the mother so much; she's lovely and kind, and in other ways she's very smart so I don't know why she is doing stuff that seems counterproductive and feel like maybe she would change if she had it all laid out for her so she could see the impact. SIBU and ask her if I can give her some advice? DH says unrequested advice is never appreciated and I should butt out.

125 replies

IABURQO · 30/10/2018 09:01

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2018 09:04

I agree with your DH

Move on with your life

acquiescence · 30/10/2018 09:07

You will have lots of people saying ‘not your business, leave alone’ etc. Personally I feel that you can offer advice in a kind way, suggest recipes, maybe bake things to leave with her such as pinwheels. Talk from your own experience and make it about you rather than telling her what to do.

I would struggle to hold my tongue with someone doing controlled crying when a baby is not gaining weight but she probably won’t thank you for input on this.

Surely the health visitor hasn’t advised to drop a milk feed for a child who is losing weight? Has she been referred to a dietician for advice?

SoyDora · 30/10/2018 09:10

What’s wrong with avocado on bread? Really not something I could get worked up about.
It sounds like the HV are involved so apart from making gentle suggestions what else really can you do? Offer the baby nice savoury foods when you’re with them. Otherwise I’m afraid I agree with your DH.

cadburyegg · 30/10/2018 09:10

What is your relationship with the mother and baby?

Welshmum16 · 30/10/2018 09:10

Could you perhaps ask her how it's going see if she will discuss it with you and then see if she needs any help with anything, may find she wants to talk about it but could be someone who does not ask openly.

If she does want to talk I'd let her lead it listening as much as possible and perhaps offer to help her research stuff with her.

Other than that I can't see what else you could do without maybe upsetting her

MrTrebus · 30/10/2018 09:10

Wtf why would you drop a feed and replace with water if your baby was underweight. What an odd woman. Honestly I'd have to cut her out completely because I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue. Everyone will tell you to butt out but you're right. Although I don't agree with your thing about bland food - it is normal to give a baby bland food generally and introduce them to stronger tastes as you go along.

SlightDark · 30/10/2018 09:11

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but are you related to the baby? This makes a difference I think in if you should say something so I can’t reallt work it out?

BarbarianMum · 30/10/2018 09:11

Well if she's starving a hungry, underweight child then someone needs to tell her surely? Is that what's happening? If so you need to tell someone.

Avocado on bread is fine btw, even unseasoned.

Original poster

IABURQO · 30/10/2018 09:11

I have tried that @acquiescence, I guess I can just keep trying, maybe see if I can see her more often with suggestions. I don't know if they're going to go to a dietitian yet, they've been given lots more advice recently that they need to give more fat etc. I feel like a health visitor might not know the other stuff to be able to contribute with "don't let her fill up on rice crackers".

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 30/10/2018 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bastardkitty · 30/10/2018 09:14

No need to actually be quite so rude, surely.

I would be concerned. Does the mother have eating issues herself?

ChiantiAndTruffles · 30/10/2018 09:16

I have a relative like this. She bloody asks for advice though and then ignores it. I've given up giving any advice solicited or unsolicited.
Baby controlled crying from a week old, weaned at 16wks, playing unsupervised with rescue dog, thickeners in formula etc et

SuperstarDJ · 30/10/2018 09:17

I wouldn’t season avocado on toast with pepper or lemon either for a baby under twelve months. It may be bland to you but you’re not weaning.

I’m guessing you’re the baby’s paternal grandmother?

YuhBasic · 30/10/2018 09:19

She sounds mentally unwell. Who the hell knowingly starves a baby?! 😡

Steelesauce · 30/10/2018 09:25

That crying noise does not count for babies that are not newborn, even then it's not a given for all babies. None of my kids had pastries or 'tasty' bread. They were weaned on fruits, veggies and potatoes! Do you even have kids?

brookshelley · 30/10/2018 09:26

Dropping milk feeds for an underweight baby is a concern. However avocado on toast and rice crackers seem fine (my baby eats those...). Avocado is very fatty - in a good way!

If you really can't bite your tongue on this issue, just focus on the milk and don't say anything about the food, which seems to be a matter of personal preference.

SilverHairedCat · 30/10/2018 09:28

Who would give a baby pepper or lemon on avocado? What's wrong with giving the child cucumber?

What age is this child? 6 months or 11 months? Under a year is disingenuous.

What relation are you to this child?

SoyDora · 30/10/2018 09:30

Mine never made a ‘neee’ noise then hungry either. I’ve never heard the noise you’re referring to. It’s not a universal noise.

Giantbanger · 30/10/2018 09:30

What’s it to you? What’s your relarionship to this baby?

Ifoundanacorn · 30/10/2018 09:31

You would be very well advised to stay out of it and let the HV deal with it. Seriously you risk really seriously alienating her.

I doubt very much she is starving her baby! Avocado, bread, rice cakes all sound fine to me. The baby may be naturally slim (as my dd was and still is)

The HV is involved, if they have serious concerns I am sure they will deal with it. Keep your opinions to yourself.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 30/10/2018 09:34

You lost me at the avocado on bread. That seems perfect for a baby who isn’t putting on weight.

How underweight is the baby and have they lost weight or just moved down the centiles?

fernandoanddenise · 30/10/2018 09:34

If you really are sure that she is leaving an underweight and hungry baby to cry then I think you have to say something. Just simply point out that controlled crying will never work with a hungry baby and that she’s currently underweight so to work on the weight first then sleep. She might listen if you can phrase it in a non judgemental way.... but it’s awful to think about a hungry baby!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/10/2018 09:36

If she is being given advice from the HV and it's being ignored then it's probably pointless giving more advice - if she's not listening to an expert then the won't listen to you.

Do you have any inkling as to why she is acting like this?

If you're very worried about the child then practically, when you see her I'd gift her food. If you have your own similar age baby I'd say you batch cooked and made double and take round a few things for their freezer. Take round some Greek yoghurt or cheese and say your child preferred a different brand and you didn't want to let it go to waste etc. If it's there she might give it to the baby to eat. Ask to swap recipes so she has some you know are OK.

slappinthebass · 30/10/2018 09:42

Your concerns are all fairly valid except the avocado on bread one. Now I'm not sure if you are being completely ridiculous altogether. Wtf is the problem with plain avocado on plain bread? That is the most ridiculous nutritional concern I've ever read.

ButchyRestingFace · 30/10/2018 09:44

gives rice crackers as a snack
gives nasty bland food like just avocado on bread (not tasty bread, no pepper, no butter, no lemon)

I see her giving the baby e.g. cucumber when the baby is shouting for more fatty carbs!

There's something a bit ... off about the OP. The degree of detail you give re foods is

Anyway, what's this 'nee' noise that you speak of?

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