To think £10 is mean for a 16th birthday?

[Plessis]

I know I am going to get flamed particularly as I can't give much back story, but I am feeling really cross that my parents sent my dd a tenner for her 16th birthday. It was such a rubbish, thoughtless present. They have my dsis and my dbro living with them (they are in their 40s) and charge them no rent and are constantly paying for car repairs etc. This has been going on for a few years now and I've had enough. The ten pound note was the icing on the cake.

If they were really scraping the barrel I would be more sympathetic but they own their house outright, probably don't have much spare cash but seem to have enough to support my dbro who has never left home (had drug problems in the past but has been clean and working for many years now) and my dsis whose had a rough time and got kicked out if her house with her dd.

I feel as though I and my family are an afterthought. Ten quid just seems so mean for a 16th,particularly as my pils bought her something really thoughtful and lovely

The neices and nephews got cars jesus wept

Your updates show that there is a substantial backstory. To be honest it would probably be easier for you to not have any expectations of your parents to limit things like this hurting you. It sounds like you have turned out to be a well-adjusted person unlike your DM and siblings. I would think that your mum would be quite jealous of your life.

Most 16 year olds and many other people would much prefer cold hard cash to many other 'thoughtful' gifts. You can buy exactly what you want with money, or use it for basic items/bills if you are really short of cash. Don't denigrate cash gifts!

I also wonder what you did OP on your parents milestones birthdays

I am sure this isn't what you want to hear, but for the last two I have organised and paid for the present. All other siblings said they could only give me a tenner each. This is despite two of them working full time with no kids. Because I am a mug nice person I organised and paid for it all anyway.

For my DD's 16th, my MIL wanted to put £10 in a card. Because I couldn't change a £20 note for two tenners, she put nothing in. She wasn't poor. MIL definitely did love DD, but was famously mean. (I put a tenner in later, so DD was happy.)

I considered 16 a bit of a milestone and that was decades ago!

The best thing you can do is live well. If the house has such bad memories it really is best not to visit. The fact that your mother hasn’t been speaking to her 13 yo gd for weeks speaks volumes as to what kind of woman she is today. The very same woman she was when you were a child. Abusive then and abusive now.

Your mother probably knows giving a tenner will irk you. It sounds as though her household is full of drama. You say they don’t like that you are happy in your life. Well there’s your answer. She’s hooking you into a fight. So don’t have it. You will most definitely lose. You’re the outsider. The only correct response is a very breezy thank you.

Plessis
Time to stop giving presents to them.

The best thing you can do is live well. If the house has such bad memories it really is best not to visit. The fact that your mother hasn’t been speaking to her 13 yo gd for weeks speaks volumes as to what kind of woman she is today. The very same woman she was when you were a child. Abusive then and abusive now. Your mother probably knows giving a tenner will irk you. It sounds as though her household is full of drama. You say they don’t like that you are happy in your life. Well there’s your answer. She’s hooking you into a fight. So don’t have it. You will most definitely lose. You’re the outsider. The only correct response is a very breezy thank you.

Thank you littledragon I absolutely needed to hear that and you have got it completely right.

I am off now to take my lovely dogs for a walk outside in the beautiful countryside and try not to think about it any more

Jut read your updates OP - I think it's time to let them go, as hard as that sounds. They're not involved in your life and by the sounds of it that's a good thing. Best of luck.

@plessis

Definitely really tight yeah. As many posters have said though, it seems like there's a lot more going on. If your sis and BIL are living with them in their FORTIES, then I think it's a stressful time for them.

Not a lot you can say really, you will just have to accept it.

Sorry you're upset. I would actually tell your parents (and the rest of your family) that you're not buying gifts for ANYone anymore and you don't want any back (for you and your DH OR your kids.)

Say, 'if people do still buy, we won't buy back as we are pulling in the purse strings.' If they are letting your sis and BIL stay there for free, they are probably broke to be fair, so don't be too blue about it, but don't give anything back. Fuck it. Why should you?

Another one here who thinks a cash gift is much better than a so called thoughtfully chosen gift that a teenager will just put somewhere and never use or appreciate. I also don’t hold with the view that the ‘older generation’ don’t appreciate that £10 may not be a very generous sum. My DM is in her 80s and has no difficulty understanding whether she is being generous or mean (the latter to punish for various disappointments or imaginary slights....). Sometimes you do have to just step away. Get your DD to send a message thanking her DGM and concentrate on all the positives you have going for you as a family. The hurt and frustration you feel will probably still be there but it does get less in time if you can mentally harden and insulate yourself.

Why are you surprised that someone who doesn’t have a relationship with your child, see once a year, doesn’t send a generous present?

Given that there isn’t a close relationship then a tenner sounds fair and indeed generous

And why on earth are you organising extravagant birthday for them when you are not close

"" And a tenner isn't an insignificant amount for a non-occasion event.""

Your Granddaughter's Birthday, regardless of what one it is, is a very big occasion event. If you a decent Human Being, that is.

I'm 51, 16 was a milestone Birthday then. Its the age that you can have sex, legally, that's a pretty big deal.

I agree with what Little dragon said. My Sister did similar with my children, it was a mind game to show us that we are insignificant.

My DDs are now Adults and we are LC with her. A lough now she is in her 60's and has no other Family and her Friends are all living their lives, she's trying to muscle into ours.

We love a good Bitch and laugh about her . Before anyone replies 'nice', to that, she's dictated how her life went.

Perhaps your parents think that £10 is quite lot for a child? They sound as though they might be in their sixties or older

I am nearly 60 and for teens I find they do prefer cash but a tenner is just mean.

I have bunged much more than that in friends DD birthday 16th birthday card.

I am wondering whether your parents are similar to my mother in what constitutes close family.

My mother thought her parents and her siblings were close family even the resultant nephews and nieces were considered a lot closer than me.

Her reason was she had known them longer than me.

She had very strange ideas when it came to family.

Do you think your parents think their GC are not really part of their close family and are extended family to be tolerated.

£10 does seem a little tight but I don't understand people's viewpoint that money is such a thoughtless present. My grandparents have given me £40 every birthday and Christmas since I was born as they wouldn't have a clue what to get me. I've always very much appreciated (and used!) it instead of the slightly crazy presents my aunty has given me over the years that I have never used.

"Why are you surprised that someone who doesn’t have a relationship with your child, see once a year, doesn’t send a generous present?"

Because that what Grandparents do, or rather should do. I'm sorry if your Grandparents didn't do as they should have, for you.

My Grandchildren's other Nan lives in Australia, our Grandchildren are one and three and she puts money directly Into their accounts. It's been at least £100. As she said, she isn't taking them for days out, cooking a Sunday dinner, buying sweets etc, which would add up to a few pounds a week.

Unless your child has done something very bad to you, there is something very wrong with you, to behave like this. And even if that is the case, were you are estranged because of the Parent, you don't take it out on the child.

My great aunt sent me a cheque for £2 every year until she died. It's the thought, not the amount. Maybe they don't feel confident choosing a gift for a teenage girl (especially if they don't have much of a close relationship) if they are older and imagine that she would prefer to choose something to her own taste?

Wish your DD a happy 16th from me. I know it’s a big-deal birthday to a teen. Hope she enjoys the show she has tickets to, what a lovely present from your ILs.
I would just send a text to your mum. No need to call. Just a quick thanks for DDs birthday money. Leave it at that.

OP be thankful that your DC aren’t in the same position as your Denice who is forced to love with your parents.
Sure, it’s hurtful to think your DD has been “short changed “ by her grandparents but she probably has lower expectations of them and the relationship than you have and is less bothered.
I just had no expectations at all of mine and never received a bought gift or money from them and just grew up thinking that was normal. Rarely saw them and they never visited your house though only a 10 minute walk away, and reading meet, maybe this is more common situation than is generally supposed.
My parents more than made up for it and I wasn’t scarred, other GPS dead before I was born so no comparison. Your DC have your PIL as model grandparents

Not Denice but Dneice

There's nothing wrong with a tenner in a card, my kids would have appreciated that, and so would I. As it happens, I and my siblings never got a single present from any extended family, they just didn't do presents for some reason.
It's really the relationship between you and your parents thats the issue though.

I'm an 'oldie', 70, I usually spend £25-£30 on birthday presents each for the 4 grandchildren and then around £50 for their main Christmas present but we're lucky that we can afford it. Cash always seems lacking in thought, even worse than vouchers, the other cop-out.

I prefer cash to vouchers tbh and so do my teens

I always end up buying the vouchers off them!

I have texted to say thank you and there we will leave it.

I have awful narcissistic parents who have no relationship with me or my three children. They have never cared what happens to me, who I’m with, what I do etc. I always thought that maybe when I had kids or marry they might care but no, nothing made any difference. It’s a long back story so won’t bother with the details here but OP, it’s easier to move on and either keep contact to a civilised minimum or go no contact altogether. I focus on being a good parent myself and just accepting I was not loved then and am not loved now. It’s their responsibility to foster a loving parental bond with you, not the other way round. I focus on creating firm, solid and healthy boundaries and now only encourage those into my life who bring positivity and love- toxic relationships are highly destructive. My father has no contact with me and sends nothing on my birthday or that my dc,although my mum sends £10 but I keep mimimal phone contact as she is quite frail now and living alone. On You Tube there are some great videos about toxic parents and how to cope. I’ve found them so useful to re- think my boundaries and show my kids what a healthy loving relationship is with me as their mum as much as I can. I am having NHS therapy and CBT treatment which has been positive so far, helping to get unresolved pain out of its box and I’m learning how to manage issues better. So I can recommend it even though it’s hard to get to the therapy stage- took me many years! I agree with you - I think £10 is miserable for a 16th as in my opinion it’s a big milestone! It’s the cusp of adulthood, becoming more independent, moving in to past GCSE ‘s and all the things legally you can do at 16; age of consent, able to marry, vote in Scotland, you can join a trade untion, ride a moped, drink in a restaurant with alcohol bought for you, work full or part-time, buy a lottery ticket, give blood etc. So definitely a time to celebrate! I having a party for my daughter when she reaches 16, a big special cake, restaurant meal out and day trip to London. My in- laws who are fab grandparents are taking her for a special day out too- she is soon to be 15 and we are already planning how we can celebrate. £10 cash of your parents is piss poor in my view and shows they just don’t care as it doesn’t look to be a financial issue from what you’ve said. I did my grieving and moved on- sounds like your siblings have suffered too. Yes, shitty parents make shitty grandparents! I wish you so much luck and hope you can free yourself of negative parents in a way that brings you peace or find reconciliation with them but they are likely always to be toxic. I recommend ‘Toxic Parents’ by Susan Forward. My mum gives nothing to her now adult grandchildren from my half sister ( they are20-24) as ‘ they are grown up’. Typical of my mum but then she doesnt care much about them either. It’s just an excuse not to bother because she just isn’t interested in their lives and has never invested. If she had a loving bond, that would continue past the teenage years. I was partly brought up by my gran and I loved her more than anything in the world and still do because she showed me complete unconditional love that I carry with me every day. Everyone likes to be thought of on their birthday and Xmas no matter how old and 16 is important as you become a young adult. If they show no care now, she will really remember it. I would be very angry. I think the fact your parents are supporting your siblings is completely irrelevant- don’t get scapegoated by that; you’re entitled to their support and love just as much as they are. Your parents sound pretty dysfunctional, so keep up your good parenting and don’t let them hurt you anymore. Don’t let a sense of duty, responsibility or fear towards your parents allow them to treat you in this way - where they pick on your vulnerability and coax you into accepting second best. Having a toxic childhood leaves a terrible legacy for you but you can learn to manage it for your family happiness which it sounds like you are doing. I finally told my dad to fuck off! I’m free now at 47 from them all and my husband and in-laws are proud of me hurrah! Your daughter is your priority so don’t let your parents get out of jail on this- £10 cash might be fine if they had a loving relationship with her and you but it’s symptomatic of what is really going on. Either you face it head on and confront them or boundary yourself slowly but surely away from their influence which obviously causes you pain. Overall it will be better for your mental health if you can resolve it all somehow even if that means closing the relationship down until they understand, recognise and respect your boundaries. X