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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think £10 is mean for a 16th birthday?

114 replies

Plessis · 29/10/2018 08:09

I know I am going to get flamed particularly as I can't give much back story, but I am feeling really cross that my parents sent my dd a tenner for her 16th birthday. It was such a rubbish, thoughtless present. They have my dsis and my dbro living with them (they are in their 40s) and charge them no rent and are constantly paying for car repairs etc. This has been going on for a few years now and I've had enough. The ten pound note was the icing on the cake.

If they were really scraping the barrel I would be more sympathetic but they own their house outright, probably don't have much spare cash but seem to have enough to support my dbro who has never left home (had drug problems in the past but has been clean and working for many years now) and my dsis whose had a rough time and got kicked out if her house with her dd.

I feel as though I and my family are an afterthought. Ten quid just seems so mean for a 16th,particularly as my pils bought her something really thoughtful and lovely

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 29/10/2018 09:36

Your parents sound thoughtless and they don't really want to have a relationship with your family which is a bloody shame.
I can see how the tenner was the last straw you must be hurt but ypur Dd is probably used to not having anything to do with them, she has a great family and other lovelt gp you need to stop expecting your parents to be like them.

GreenTulips · 29/10/2018 09:37

it's a big deal for most teens, even if only in their perception of themselves

I agree it is a big deal to them.

The law changes they can get married drive a car smoke leave school 16+ movies etc etc (lets not mention paying full fair on the bus)

ofcoarse it's a big deal!!

I remember my 16th very clearly.

Lovemusic33 · 29/10/2018 09:42

My kids usually get £10 (sometimes £20) from my parents for birthdays and Christmas, their dads dad usually gives them £40 for Christmas and £20 for birthdays but that seems to have gone down since we split up (not sure why).

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 29/10/2018 09:43

Eh? They can't drive til their 17 and the change in watching movies is 15 & 18 ?

Doesn't really matter. But my eldest is 14 and hadn't realised I have a milestone to prepare for!

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 29/10/2018 09:43

*they are

junebirthdaygirl · 29/10/2018 09:44

Your dd must have been surprised that a woman she meets once a year gave her money. Stop expecting things to change.
My dm gave my dc money at every birthday and they waited by the postbox on their birthdays knowing it always arrived on the day. Then they ran straight to the phone to call her. They thought she was the best gran in the world. But then they knew her well. When she passed away they talked about the money she sent.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 29/10/2018 09:46

I think Yabu. The fact they are having to support your siblings likely means they are in a bad financial situation. Of course they aren’t going to prioritise you and your family if you are stable and doing well.
Be thankful you’re not in the situation any of the rest of your family are in because it doesn’t sound pleasant for any of them.

cheshirecat777 · 29/10/2018 09:47

I do think it is mean - as you say it is a last straw for you coming off the back of presumably lots of other similar type behaviour

Sadly the can not be changed and no point giving them any more energy or thought than is necessary. I am sure your DD will have a wonderful life regardless

If it’s any consolation you are not alone my children have a v v wealthy eg millionaire leave aunt (she is my husbands sistet) and you are lucky if she bothers herself to stuff a crumpled tenner in a card and then expects to get an enormous amount of thanks in returN. Her loss.

I do think you need to invest in relationships with kids from when they are young you can’t pop up twenty years later whenever it suits you and when you need a favour and go on about family obligation. you haven’t put anything in during those earlier years.

BarbarianMum · 29/10/2018 09:49

I suggest you let the relationship bw your parents and your children quietly wither. You can't make them good, caring grandparents any more tham you could make them good, loving parents. It's no reflection on your or your children at all.

Lovemusic33 · 29/10/2018 09:49

I do think 16 is a milestone, it’s not a new thing ‘sweet 16’. I remember getting a lottery ticket in my birthday card from my parents and being excited. There are a few things you can do at 16 that you couldn’t at 15 but probably less now than when I was 16 (I could leagaly buy cigarettes and play the lottery).

ittakes2 · 29/10/2018 09:50

I am wondering if you are actually overthinking this. They just might have a different view on birthdays and think a nominal gift is OK. What did they do for her last year? If there is a vast difference there must be a reason why so ask them.
If you don't feel in general they give enough attention to your daughter then speak to them about it.

Greensleeves · 29/10/2018 09:51

I've always thought of 16 as a milestone Confused and ds1 certainly regarded his 16th as an important birthday, compared to 15 or 17

They sound foul, OP. You can't polish a turd. Low contact, minimal effort and low expectations are the way to protect yourself against further disappointment.

Sweetpea55 · 29/10/2018 09:51

What gifts did your dd receive from your siblings?

LittleBookofCalm · 29/10/2018 09:51

you have the green eyed monster.
plain and simple, be a grown up

abacucat · 29/10/2018 09:51

I am older and don't consider 16 as a milestone birthday. That is 18 and 21. And I always give money to teenagers in my wider family as I assume they would prefer to buy what they want rather than having an older relative trying to choose something and getting it wrong.
I would give more than £10, but you are not close, so this is a symptom of this.

Original poster
Plessis · 29/10/2018 09:52

I have more than one child and I wouldn't ignore one if another was in trouble. I might have to temporarily but I would ensure the one who was doing well had an equal share of my attention, love and money.

So I guess I've managed to turn out OK despite my parents

OP posts:
Original poster
Plessis · 29/10/2018 09:53

What gifts did your dd receive from your siblings?

My dsis sent a card and ten pounds. My brothers sent nothing.

OP posts:
AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 29/10/2018 09:53

YES YABU

probably don't have much spare cash but seem to have enough to support my dbro who has never left home (had drug problems in the past but has been clean and working for many years now) and my dsis whose had a rough time and got kicked out if her house with her dd

So they are supporting an ex-addict and a homeless daughter and grandchild?

I think they are doing their best. I think late in life, they are bending over backwards to help everyone else out - what do you all do, for them?

It seems they are supporting those who need them, and a birthday present is a luxury , not a god given right

abacucat · 29/10/2018 09:54

I also wonder what you did OP on your parents milestones birthdays?

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 29/10/2018 09:55

are not alone my children have a v v wealthy eg millionaire leave aunt (she is my husbands sistet) and you are lucky if she bothers herself to stuff a crumpled tenner in a card

Nothing like the situation Op is describing - in that case , yes that is stingy.

TheFairyCaravan · 29/10/2018 09:59

My parents gave my kids £20 for their 18th's, the nieces and nephews got cars. Last year DS1 got nothing for his birthday because "he's got a good job and is doing well for himself" which is fair enough, but his older cousin, who is a lazy mare (but the apple of my dad's eye) got a lovely present.

I can't get my head round it all, there's much, much more but won't go into it here, so I went very low contact 7 years ago. It was much better for my mental health.

peachgreen · 29/10/2018 10:01

Tbh if you only see them once a year I don't really blame them for not investing more time into choosing a present - they must barely know the children.

GreenTulips · 29/10/2018 10:01

Yes they can drive here at 16 DD has just sent off for her provisional and all her friends are starting lessons.

It's a big deal.

MereDintofPandiculation · 29/10/2018 10:02

When I was mid teens, a great-aunt gave me a postal order amounting in today's terms to about £1. A commented adversely to my mother who said "well, she's the only one of your great aunts who gives you anything". This is a GM who isn't part of your DD's life, who she doesn't have a relationship. So gratitude for a token gift is the only reasonable response.

recklessruby · 29/10/2018 10:03

These days it's a milestone birthday. My dd was really excited that I paid for her to have her lip pierced and a party.
I think £10 Is a bit mean to be honest but your dd is growing up and will soon realise who is there for her and who isn't so no point pretending by buying an extra gift.
My dd s dad has never even sent her a tenner in a card since she was 17.
She's 24 now and couldn't care less.
We always (My family) make a big deal of anyone s birthday and we re not well off.