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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think £10 is mean for a 16th birthday?

114 replies

Plessis · 29/10/2018 08:09

I know I am going to get flamed particularly as I can't give much back story, but I am feeling really cross that my parents sent my dd a tenner for her 16th birthday. It was such a rubbish, thoughtless present. They have my dsis and my dbro living with them (they are in their 40s) and charge them no rent and are constantly paying for car repairs etc. This has been going on for a few years now and I've had enough. The ten pound note was the icing on the cake.

If they were really scraping the barrel I would be more sympathetic but they own their house outright, probably don't have much spare cash but seem to have enough to support my dbro who has never left home (had drug problems in the past but has been clean and working for many years now) and my dsis whose had a rough time and got kicked out if her house with her dd.

I feel as though I and my family are an afterthought. Ten quid just seems so mean for a 16th,particularly as my pils bought her something really thoughtful and lovely

OP posts:
Original poster
Plessis · 29/10/2018 08:50

Well you don't have any sort of relationship with each other do you? You visit your family once a year. They don't visit you at all. A tenner in a card is a symptom of that

But none of that is dds fault. I have friends with parents who live abroad who still manage to have a relationship with their grandchildren.

But you are right, they don't have a relationship so I guess AIBU.

They are having to buy stuff for my niece who is living with them so I guess they are feeling the pinch a bit

OP posts:
jaseyraex · 29/10/2018 08:51

Why are you bothered if they're always this shit? Honestly, if they can't be arsed to visit you then don't you make the effort to visit them even if it is only once a year. Don't force your children to have a relationship with them.
I've spent 3 years trying to do this with my dad and it's finally dawned on me what a rubbish grandparent he is. He's seen DS1 a grand total of six times in 3 years and has yet to meet his new nine week old grandson. He literally lives ten minutes away by bus.
Forget about them OP.

KumquatQuince · 29/10/2018 08:53

I hate going there because the house has horrible memories for me. There’s a massive back story going on here isn’t there OP? You’re right though, £10 is mean, and giving money rather than putting thought into a gift is lazy.

ShakeMe · 29/10/2018 08:54

I think you just have to accept that's how things are and move on.

My parents are like this, I debated this year about saying something to them as they didn't give a card for either dc birthday but life is too short for drama and you can't change people.

ShatnersBalloonFromPennywise · 29/10/2018 08:54

What's the alternative? You see them more often so they can form a meaningful relationship with you and yours.

If you're happy to keep them at arm's length, £10 in a card should be perfectly acceptable.

Original poster
Plessis · 29/10/2018 08:54

jaseyraex

Your post made me laugh (in a good way). You are right. Sorry to hear you have similar issues though.

OP posts:
glamorousgrandmother · 29/10/2018 08:57

I think teenagers prefer money to a gift, my grandsons (14) certainly do -even if it means they can go for coffees at Costa with their mates.

I wouldn't complain about the amount either, just bad manners imo. My Dad gave me a bunch of flowers for my 60th, birthdays just weren't such a big deal for him.

zingally · 29/10/2018 08:57

I think there's more to this story... OP says she doesn't want to go to her parents house, because of "bad memories", and that they won't drive to see her.
Her brother and sister still live at home (even though both are full adults)… Perhaps those two extra adults in the house are more of a financial drain than OP realises? And these "bad memories" OP mentions... Perhaps they go both ways?

I think the easiest thing to do is just drop a quick text or email to one or the other parent saying something like "Thank you for the money in DDs card! I'm sure she'll enjoy spending it!"
It doesn't need to be a huge deal and is perhaps not the moment to be examining the relationship in huge detail.

SnowyMountains · 29/10/2018 08:57

I agree OP, my parents who are loaded gave DD a tenner for both her 16th and her 18th, I also thought that was stingy especially for her 18th. In fact my parents have always given her money since she was a kid, never bought her a present.

No matter the relationship you have with her, the kids should not have to suffer. Especially if they are spending £££ on various stuff for your siblings and their kids.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2018 09:01

Yanbu very tight considering what you have said, and thoughtless.

tiggerkid · 29/10/2018 09:02

My parents did that once when they were angry for some imagined reason, I hadn't rung them I think. I need to remind dd to call to say thank you but I haven't. I might not bother.

Don't bother. When the relationship isn't there, sometimes the best thing to do is just to move on, to be honest. I have. I've been married for 20 years. For 10 of them, I visited my MIL every weekend. When I visited, I always made sure we brought something with us: some groceries, small treats for her and other things that I thought would make her happy. She never thanked me for any of that. Never bothered with my son. When he was little, he'd only get £10 or so on his birthdays but only if he happened to be in her house when it was his birthday. Otherwise it was out of sight, out of mind.

She doesn't even know when my birthday is. Or, indeed, bothers with my husband's. 5 years ago, we moved house. She's never been to our new house because she doesn't give a sh**. So, I stopped visiting her too. I stopped reminding my husband to call her on her birthdays. I don't send her gifts, cards or money anymore, and I absolutely resolved not to set foot in her house ever again although I never stop my husband from visiting her and, in fact, taking my son with him to do the same.

It made things much easier for me as I no longer feel bad that she never bothers with us.

I do appreciate that it is harder for you because it's your parents rather than in-laws. I'd advise you not to cut ties completely but just don't bother with anything other than a superficial and reasonably civilised contact. You just can't have close relationships with some people and, unfortunately, sometimes even with your family.

Over the years, I learnt one thing: shitty parents usually don't make great grandparents. I don't suppose yours were amazing parents, who suddenly turned into inattentive grandparents?

Original poster
Plessis · 29/10/2018 09:02

My mum was an abusive alcoholic and as the oldest child I bore the brunt of it. I don't want my own DCs to realise the full extent of the horror of my own childhood so I suppose keeping up a semblance of normality for them is why I'm so silly about this.

OP posts:
tiggerkid · 29/10/2018 09:07

My mum was an abusive alcoholic and as the oldest child I bore the brunt of it.

See, my point exactly: shitty parents rarely (if ever) turn into amazing grandparents one day. Save yourself and your children a lot of hurt and move on if you can. You know that you probably won't let your parents starve if they had no money and nobody to turn to and that's clearly where your effort towards them must end.

Move on. Be a different parent yourself and that's all you can do really. Flowers

AviatorShades · 29/10/2018 09:10

"probably don't have much spare cash"...in a nutshell. And I'm joining the others who think that 16 isn't a big deal anyway.

Good hearted people, tho, opening their house to bro and wife and supporting them

For me they're spot-on with their priorities.

And a tenner isn't an insignificant amount for a non-occasion event. Unless you make it so

Original poster
Plessis · 29/10/2018 09:10

Thank you. I have ended up as a good parent. My kids are fab. I have a happy marriage. My parents (mother on particular) find that much more difficult to cope with than my siblings who have either no relationship and kids, or a disateousu relationship and various problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plessis · 29/10/2018 09:12

Good hearted people, tho, opening their house to bro and wife and supporting them

My mother spends most of the rare phone calls bitching about my dsis and admits that she hasn't spoken directly to my dniece for 3 months. Dniece is 13.

OP posts:
puzzledlady · 29/10/2018 09:15

Give it back if it bothers you that much? Some people get nothing you know?

tiggerkid · 29/10/2018 09:18

My parents (mother on particular) find that much more difficult to cope with than my siblings who have either no relationship and kids, or a disateousu relationship and various problems.

Many parents, in general, tend to gravitate towards more troublesome or less successful children. A part of it is about feeling that those kids somehow need more help. They don't realise they may be hurting those kids they consider to be more successful in the process. My MIL, for example, has 4 kids but she recently decided that she will leave everything she owns to the one, who is, in hew view, the least successful. None of her kids really need anything from her as they all stand on their own two feet but that lack of fair treatment and parental attention somehow still hurts everyone...

There are only 2 things you can really do: you can either bring yourself to accept your parents as they are knowing that everyone can only do what they know how to do or just cut your losses and minimise all interaction to almost nothing.

Original poster
Plessis · 29/10/2018 09:22

Well I don't want to completely sever ties. I'll just carry on doing what I'm doing. Keeping some contact and whinging on here!

OP posts:
NutElla5x · 29/10/2018 09:22

My mum has nearly always bunged a a bit of money in a card-not a large amount because,although she owns her own house,she can't afford much- for my kids and it's never bothered me at all.16 is no great milestone so I'm not sure what you're moaning about.

Jutz · 29/10/2018 09:26

Good idea - very low contact
Just get your dd to send a text saying thanks

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 29/10/2018 09:26

They don't sound interested and I wouldn't waste time thinking about it because they aren't going to change and your only upsetting yourself which is pointless.

Celebrate the fact she has thoughtful grandparents on one side and move on.

(16th really isn't a milestone birthday is it ? When did that happen ?)

Original poster
Plessis · 29/10/2018 09:28

It's not really a milestone but it's a big deal for most teens, even if only in their perception of themselves.

OP posts:
EK36 · 29/10/2018 09:30

They are probably strapped for cash subsiding all those extra people living in their house. You don't really want anything to do with them, but probably found the amount given quite insulting for your daughter's sake. Because they don't make any effort generally towards you and your family, and birthdays highlight this issue. Just Send a text, "daughter said thank you for the tenner nan " and forget about it. You have a lovely family and a good life, enjoy it.

Butterflycookie · 29/10/2018 09:33

Yeah £10 is stingy. You could buy her a late present and pretend your parents had bought it, just to make her happy. Seeing as they don’t have much of a relationship with her I don’t see how they’d find out.