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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will my son go to prison?

307 replies

MrsPortious · 28/10/2018 17:03

DS is 17. He has been arrested before for assault but it was dealt with by youth justice serve so officially not charged.

Early this week, he was arrested for affect. An unprovoked attack on an unknown male, caught in CCTV, where he was seen kicking him over 20 times in the head and face. Unknown male has not come forward. Behind the scenes, DS was already being investigated for threats of arson and threats to kill.
Solicitor says it has prison written all over it. I can’t get my head around that. He’s currently released without bail pending further enquiries.

Will he go to prison?

I’ve tried so hard to get him help. Have referred him to social devices, drug counselling, Cahms ... cahms are the only ones still involved.

I’m just stuck in limbo now waiting for a court date. I have no support and it’s killing me. His father was supposed to be having him this weekend but “something came up”. I don’t get the opportunity of “something coming up”. I have it 24/7.

The CCTV is so sickening, it’s the kind of thing that will go viral on Facebook if the press gets hold of it. DS cares not one bit. When solicitor told him it could be a prison sentence, he didn’t react at all. Solicitor rang me the next day to say he’d never seen such a violence assault and he’d never known such an emotionless response from the offender.

Will my Christmas Day involve me signing into the visitors book at HMP? I have nobody to talk to about this.

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 28/10/2018 17:36

Is he taking drugs/ dealing OP? theres something really seriously going wrong for him if hjes behaving like this. If he carries on like this he could end up killing someone and then serving a life sentence.
I hope he does go to prison because you and the public need a break fro him.

Yogagirl123 · 28/10/2018 17:36

Sending you a hug OP, you must be so worried for your DS. I have a 17 yr old DS too and he doesn’t listen to me at times either. I hope your son gets the help he needs.

fluffiphlox · 28/10/2018 17:37

It must be very difficult for you. I do think though that he will/should go to prison.

LakieLady · 28/10/2018 17:37

Fucking hell, Thorny, talk about kicking someone when they're down.

Did you miss the bit of OP's post where she talked about all the agencies she sought help from?

Not having compassion for her son is understandable, but you clearly have no idea how hard it is to get help for angry, troubled young people now that services are cut to the bloody bone in the name of austerity.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 28/10/2018 17:38

Yes he will go to jail. And if he carrying out unprovoked attacks that could result in loss of life without any remorse he is a danger to society and needs to be off the streets.
I would hope that he will be offeees something in the way of mental health support but I don’t imagine it will be great.
If you want to help him turn his life around I’d be seeing if you can afford some therapy for him privately. And I’d also try and support him towards a career so he has something to focus on and something to keep on the straight and narrow for.
Do you think he would care if he had killed his victim? If he hasn’t been located it’s still possible that he has.

Aridane · 28/10/2018 17:38

And here is the second thread of What to Take to Prison

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/crime/3231363-what-to-take-to-prison-2

I would repeat my suggestion that you get this moved out of AIBU

DaysOfCurlySpencer · 28/10/2018 17:39

I have sympathy for you OP, but not for him, people like him need to be off the streets for the safety of others, and to learn how to behave in a decent society, unfortunately decent is not really the norm any more.

He weighs about 7st and looks like a 12 year old. But is dangerous to others, so that has no bearing on it at all.

I am afraid to go out once it gets dark, never mind at night because of such people.

MrsStrowman · 28/10/2018 17:39

@MrsPortious thank you for the info. The courts do everything they can to keep youths out of custody, unfortunately a youth referral order is a conviction so that will be considered in terms of his previous offending as well how he engaged with the youth justice service and other agencies. If he is 18 before he is sentenced he will go to a YOI if he gets custody they aren't quite as grim as adult prisons but still not pleasant, if 28 by that point adult prison is likely unless he is exceptionally vulnerable. There is a slim chance he won't get custody if he pleads guilty, shows a lot of remorse and engages with services to address his emotional management, anger and mental health prior to court. Go back to his youth officer and ask for help/referrals. It will also depend on the outcome of the other investigation, if they charge on that one as well or shows a clear pattern of escalating violence, ie the initial assault, then the threatening behaviour then this quite serious assault. Which would make custody almost inevitable. Please ignore people calling him names and making judgements, you are just a patent trying to do the best by your son and must be sick with worry. AIBU can be a bearpit, if you want any advice on the process or clarification when you get more information I'm happy for you to message me.

Andro · 28/10/2018 17:39

thornyhousewife

The OP's mind is going to be scattered in a million directions, having a go about a throwaway comment (although in fairness making a prison visit at Christmas would suck!) is unnecessary. The parents are not always to blame; good parents can still have a child who goes off the rails, the pain those children cause make their parents victims as surely as those who they commit crimes against.

I'm on the other side of this, I've had people I loved killed by a man with good parents who went off the rails anyway. I've seen the devastation he caused, not just in my family but his own. His mother, in particular, has my deepest sympathy - her grace and dignity under horrific circumstances were awe-inspiring and her son has hurt her beyond words. By her own admission, she spent the days before the trial fretting about what size joint to buy for Sunday lunch - it's the brain's way of coping.

PickleForPresident · 28/10/2018 17:40

My heart goes out to you OP. My brother is like this and has been in and out of prison for assault many times. It is baffling how he ended up the way he did and it breaks my parents hearts to have a menace to society for a son.

Don't blame yourself and don't make excuses for his behaviour. You need to drill it into him that he is not the victim and he's brought all his troubles on himself.

Babyroobs · 28/10/2018 17:41

Hopefully - He sounds very dangerous , he could have killed the victim.

ragged · 28/10/2018 17:41

What drugs is he taking, OP?

Starlight345 · 28/10/2018 17:41

Op I think in your position I would think prison was the best place for him.

He is not in control right now and without serious intervention he is likely to continue and maybe kill someone next time.

I can’t begin to imagine how difficult this is for you.

Madratlady · 28/10/2018 17:41

I very much hope so, he’s a violent criminal, although I’d guess the ‘not caring’ is either because he doesn’t believe he’ll actually go to prison or he’s terrified and trying to act tough. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this though.

PaddyF0dder · 28/10/2018 17:43

Given the details of the assault, and his reaction to it, I think it’s best for society if he is in prison.

trumpdump · 28/10/2018 17:43

How is your son's victim? He is where most of my sympathies lie tbh...

TemptressofWaikiki · 28/10/2018 17:43

Oh OP, I am sorry for you because it sounds as though you have tried hard and are at your wit’s end. That said he should get a substantial custodial sentence because in the moment, he seems like a loose cannon and a danger to society. The lack of remorse and dismissive attitude shows a worrying lack of empathy. That is not necessarily down to poor parenting but sadly the make-up of a sociopath. The unprovoked violence is chilling.

Bellybootcut · 28/10/2018 17:44

I really feel for you. Let the authorities deal with him now and fingers crossed he'll turn the corner. No one wants this when they bring a child into the world but sometimes things just go wrong. Brains are wired differently and there's not a lot you can do other than be there when they realise they don't want to be like that anymore x

MorningsEleven · 28/10/2018 17:44

I think it's likely and I think the support he gets from now is what will shape his future. Hopefully it'll be a rocket up his arse to do better.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 28/10/2018 17:45

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through & I’m sorry you have both been let down by SS/Cahms & every where else you’ve tried to get him assessed and helped ((Hug)). I’m also really sorry that his father is such a waste of space too.

How old was he when you separated and how old was he when you realised he needed help?

You say the attack was unprovoked. You say it was 4:30 in the morning and he looked like a drug dealer. Do you think DS does know him and has had dealings with him, or do you think he was just a bloke sleeping rough? Possibly ‘sleeping rough’ is the reason, but maybe there are other reasons he hasn’t come forward?

DS doesn’t appear to care, but does he understand?

Where/when do you think it all started to go wrong?

Myusername101z · 28/10/2018 17:45

Yes he will likely go to prison and it may be what he needs to sort his life out look at it that way x

ToffeePennie · 28/10/2018 17:45

It sounds very likely. I used to work in prisons. Unfortunately you may have to give up Christmas Day with him too as our prison was effectively locked down over two days as most staff wanted to be with their families (rightly so) and therefore it was difficult to get the extra staff in to run and organise the visits hall. I’m so sorry and you need help/support. Surround yourself with friends and family, and ask your solicitor for advice. You deserve lots of hugs because this is incriedibly difficult! Xx

LittleMe03 · 28/10/2018 17:45

I feel for you OP. Just read most of the thread and all your posts but I honestly think he should be 

millionaireshortie · 28/10/2018 17:46

A friend of mine went to prison for GBH at age 19 for an identical offence - kicking a man in the face and head when he was down on the ground. I'm so sorry. Having said that - it could be the wake-up he needs to turn his life around? I know how hard it is for the family though.

TheDarkPassenger · 28/10/2018 17:47

Hi, Nepacs are a good organisation to contact

Come off Facebook immediately.

Does he have a youth support officer or anything?

And again, please please contact nepacs