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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will my son go to prison?

307 replies

MrsPortious · 28/10/2018 17:03

DS is 17. He has been arrested before for assault but it was dealt with by youth justice serve so officially not charged.

Early this week, he was arrested for affect. An unprovoked attack on an unknown male, caught in CCTV, where he was seen kicking him over 20 times in the head and face. Unknown male has not come forward. Behind the scenes, DS was already being investigated for threats of arson and threats to kill.
Solicitor says it has prison written all over it. I can’t get my head around that. He’s currently released without bail pending further enquiries.

Will he go to prison?

I’ve tried so hard to get him help. Have referred him to social devices, drug counselling, Cahms ... cahms are the only ones still involved.

I’m just stuck in limbo now waiting for a court date. I have no support and it’s killing me. His father was supposed to be having him this weekend but “something came up”. I don’t get the opportunity of “something coming up”. I have it 24/7.

The CCTV is so sickening, it’s the kind of thing that will go viral on Facebook if the press gets hold of it. DS cares not one bit. When solicitor told him it could be a prison sentence, he didn’t react at all. Solicitor rang me the next day to say he’d never seen such a violence assault and he’d never known such an emotionless response from the offender.

Will my Christmas Day involve me signing into the visitors book at HMP? I have nobody to talk to about this.

OP posts:
Gitfeatures · 28/10/2018 17:47

I think you need to worry more about what will happen if he doesn't go to prison.
How did things get to this point? What involvement have CAMHS had if they haven't assessed for conditions like ADHD? When did the drugs start?

BoomTish · 28/10/2018 17:48

Hopefully.

thornyhousewife · 28/10/2018 17:49

@sussexdad ''You have absolutely no idea what she and his Dad are able and willing to do. I suggest you remove that horribly offensive post."

Fuck off - the OP us the one who told us that dad doesn't bother and she was worried about visiting prison on Xmas day.

Those who call me sanctimonious - I hope it's not your son who's kicked in the head next time.

For what it's worth, I've got close family members in an out of prison. I was also arrested many times in my youth. I support people going through the justice system (as you'll see from my contributions to the What to Take to Prison thread Hmm) but parents of violent offenders worrying about what they'll be doing on Xmas day makes me angry.

TheDarkPassenger · 28/10/2018 17:49

Sorry I’ve just thought, they’re north east. (I forget I’m on a national forum and get mixed up with the other ones I’m on!) I can’t remember what the charities are for midlands & south, but you can always drop them an email and they will be happy to help guide you

thornyhousewife · 28/10/2018 17:49

*was not us.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 28/10/2018 17:49

How is your son's victim? He is where most of my sympathies lie tbh...

How does that help the OP?

Really?

She’s not defending her son, she needs some support. Do you think this is what she wanted for her life? Do you think she set out for her son to be like this? She’s tried to get him help...no one listened.

How is she supposed to know how the other bloke is when hasn’t come forward?

FGS try thinking about how you’d feel if you were her.

ghostsandghoulies · 28/10/2018 17:51

 to you (but not your son)

My son is the same age and heading the same way. I've tried to get help but he doesn't engage with the help so he slips through the cracks. I am also a single parent and a couple of days ago I had to beg ex to take him (again!) He says he will but I'm not holding my breath.

I had to call the police on him a couple of days ago for the first time. It's a shock to realise that he can be so cool and calm about being a domestic abuser (police's words)

I suspect that he has MH and other issues but CAMHS has been terrible. He won't engage so they lose interest and think it's just teen hormones.

Spankyoumuchly · 28/10/2018 17:51

Prison may be able to sort out his anger management and possibly mental health. I saw a 24 hours in Police Custody and one of the men that was arrested for assault was obviously not well mentally. The police were keen to get him into the prison so they could get treatment for him. I hope that this is the outcome for your ds as being out in the community isn't helping him. This is what is so frustrating about the government's austerity measures, that people fall between the services and don't get the help that they need. That poor bloke he attacked.
You don't have to go to visit him in prison on Christmas Day. Unless you want to.

DroningOn · 28/10/2018 17:53

You won't want to hear this but I do hope so, sounds like the streets will be a safer place for it.

Sorry OP

Scifi101 · 28/10/2018 17:53

Aren't you worried about your own safety op?

I would be scared to go to sleep with him in the house.

trumpdump · 28/10/2018 17:54

@AnnieAnoniMouse

If I was the op, I'd feel like shit. However, even though her son's actions aren't her fault, she has an obligation to take responsibility. If I was her, I'd be reporting the son to the police myself. I would also be reaching out to the victim to offer my sincere apologies and support.

Imagine how he mother of the son's victim feels?

JustDanceAddict · 28/10/2018 17:56

Maybe he’ll get help in prison? If he’s committed a violent act and has form, then his solicitor is probably right having knowledge in that area.
I’m sorry for you but not for his victim.

DeRigueurMortis · 28/10/2018 17:56

I'd just reiterate Aridane's suggestions:

  1. Get this moved off AIBU - you need to use a part of the site where people have faced similar situations and can offer practical advice and support.
  1. Yes do look (and post on) the what to take to prison threads. There's a wealth of information on there and posters who've been exactly where you are now. Utterly distraught at their child's actions, not condoning them but still as a parent trying to find a way to support and rehabilitate.



Spankyoumuchly · 28/10/2018 17:56

Thorny, psychopaths are less likely to break the law like that. They are in too much control. Also you can't accurately know what is the problem with OP's ds. 

MiroUnicorn · 28/10/2018 17:56

Yes - (and sorry to say but..) if the legal system works as it should,, he will be sent to prison.
It' might bring a welcome break for you and safety for any innocent people out there who might have had to bear the brunt of his remorseless actions. Like many have said, hopefully, he will get the 'wake-up-call' he needs, although from what we are seeing going on in the prisons (re the partying and no-care-attitude of inmates...) all you can do is hope for the best!! My thoughts are with you - cos after all, this is your child and all you want is the best for him.

qazxc · 28/10/2018 17:59

I'm no expert but I'd imagine a custodial sentence is likely.
Has he said how he intends to plead or offered any account of what happened?
The lack of care of what might happen might be bravado or denial. Maybe he thinks that going to prison will give him some sort of badge of honor among his mates? cement a hard man image?
What is your relationship with his dad like? can you sit him down and talk to him? Because by the looks of things you are doing all you can and he is slacking off.

Sequencedress · 28/10/2018 17:59

www.familiesoutside.org.uk/ if you're in Scotland OP (I've scanned the thread but not read all the posts fully, so haven't noticed a location) this is a charity they supports families of prisoners. I work closely with them, and they're so good at what they do.
I see other posters have suggested a few other organisations too. Please access support through this. Yes he's acted reprehensibly, but that doesn't mean you have to be punished for his crimes. Before everyone piles on, my sympathies lie with the victim, of course, but I would argue OP is a victim here too, and has been failed by services thus far.

MiroUnicorn · 28/10/2018 17:59

PS. I agree with what trumpdump said

WalkingToMordor · 28/10/2018 17:59

Trumpdump, bit hard for her to reach out to a victim who hasn't come forward (as has been mentioned several times already).

ifoundthebread · 28/10/2018 18:01

I wouldn't count on him going to prison, speaking from personal experience. My ex was charged with 'wounding with intent to kill' (charge lessened from attempted murder) - he repeatedly hit someone over the head with a pool cue, and got a suspended sentence with drug and alcohol awareness classes and un paid work. About a year later he was charged by the police for assault (against myself) and for an assault against a work colleague. Assault against colleague was also premeditated. Guess what he got, a fine, more unpaid work, a restraining order and more awareness classes. He had other charges also on his record, minor stuff like drunk and disorderly etc so had plenty of run ins and nothing.

Feefeetrixabelle · 28/10/2018 18:01

I think him going to prison would do you both good. It’s not a failure of your part. What has his dad said about his impending prison sentence. Have you considered contacting social services to explain you can no longer cope with him being at home. Is there a foyer in your area he can be referred to while he waits for his court date. I think you need to put yourself first. Sometimes you have to let someone hit rock bottom

As a side note I don’t know of any prisons that allow Christmas Day visits.

Bobbybear10 · 28/10/2018 18:05

I don’t know if it’s at all possible but could you and his solicitor push for a secure mental health hospital/facility.

I would imagine if your solicitor could plead a case for him being mentally unstable (which he quite clearly is) then a secure hospital might be best for him.

I can’t think what the facilities are actually called, I am having a brain freeze, but they are like a hospital/prison for people with medium to severe mental health issues that cause/contribute to them committing crimes.

I really feel for you Flowers

AnnieAnoniMouse · 28/10/2018 18:08

Trumpdump

Honestly?

I was the op, I'd feel like shit. However, even though her son's actions aren't her fault, she has an obligation to take responsibility. If I was her, I'd be reporting the son to the police myself. I would also be reaching out to the victim to offer my sincere apologies and support. Imagine how he mother of the son's victim feels?

So, if you were the OP you’d feel like shit...so do you think then it would be helpful to have people putting the boot in when you have SAID his actions are sickening and you understand he deserves to go to prison?

For the love of God, she’s NOT responsible for HIS actions.

Why does she need to report her son to the police? They’ve already charged him. Also, she reported him in the past when it needed to be done.

Do tell us, how exactly, you’d be ‘reaching out to the victim’ when the victim hasnt come forward?

Get off your high horse and read what has been written instead of making up your own narrative.

MarklahMarklah · 28/10/2018 18:09

It sounds as though he will be sent to prison, but the unprovoked attack and lack of emotion suggest some serious MH issues. As you've said, you're getting little support here. It may be that in prison he will have access to better help and support, but it's not something I know about.
I can find some parallels here with a former friend of mine who, some 20 or so years ago attacked his girlfriend, stabbing her in the shoulder with scissors, causing actual bodily harm. When he went to court he was emotionless and seemed very cocky. Looking back, he clearly had mental health problems which were entirely unaddressed or supported. I don't know what happened to him as we lost contact after his first few months in prison.

WellThisIsShit · 28/10/2018 18:09

I feel for you Flowers

I hope he goes to prison for long enough to actually get help from the services there. I believe that most short term inmates never get to access these services so prison isn’t of any positive effect for them, which is why I hope he gets ore than the paltry 6mths for affect in a magistrates court. For his sake, and societies sake, I hope he gets longer than that.

His lack of emotion and any sign of remorse is the most worrying. If he doesn’t feel bad about kicking some poor guy in the head so many times, what’s to stop him going out and repeating this level of violence all over again? And worse? And again?