WIBU - Ungrateful Teens?

[ShadyLady53]

My sibling is a single parent to two older teenagers and lives in a different country. From a young age, the children were raised with no rules or boundaries and have always been quite bad mannered and spoiled.

Whenever they’ve visited or I’ve visited them or we’ve taken them on dream holidays (at no cost to my sibling) we’ve been expected to turn a blind eye to rude actions and words towards myself and my parents, waiting staff/ hotel/ shop workers etc and sulking/tantrums when they’ve not got what they’ve wanted. They’ve destroyed furniture and household items (ie picked leather off the sofa, dug out grouting in the bathroom, peeled off wallpaper) even as teenagers.

My sibling goes no contact with anyone who makes any suggestions or observations about their behaviour. They believe their children are the most beautiful, most talented children in the world and will not accept any other narrative, no matter how gentle an approach we use.

Each year I spend around £500 or £600 on them between Christmas/Birthdays and extra treats. It’s difficult to get presents delivered to the country they live in and my family and I have some trouble to get gifts over there.

I did not receive a thank you or an acknowledgment of any kind for the expensive and thoughtful birthday gifts I sent earlier in the year. The gifts were definitely received and since then they’ve text with selfies/pictures of themselves on nights out/trips and “sign this petition” messages. Whenever they do get in contact they never say “Hi hope you’re well” it’s only ever “I wore this dress last night and everyone was saying I looked stunning” or “I did x and made (my sibling) cry cos I was so amazing”.

The last Christmas I spent with them, something really wonderful happened for me on Christmas Eve that I tried not to make a big deal of but I did get some attention for it. The eldest teen proceeded to ignore me totally and go off and sulk in a different room for the rest of Christmas Eve because they couldn’t stand anyone else getting any attention. I was very hurt because over the years I’ve given a lot of love and nurturing to them and always overlooked my own feelings when I’ve been treated badly. I asked my sibling what was wrong and they said “X is really pissed off at you because of what happened for you tonight” and they burst out laughing thinking it was hilarious. The rest of the family felt very awkward because the eldest was refusing to be around any of us. The sulking continued into Christmas Day when they also refused to say hello or acknowledge one of my parents. My parents and I spent over £1000 between us on the two teenagers for Christmas and straight away the eldest went on Instagram and started saying how all their friends got better presents and how it wasn’t fair. It was very difficult for us to afford that level of spending and so the attitude was a real kick in the teeth.

I’m at the point now where I am just completely done. They are practically adults and I’m sick of putting myself out there and getting stepped all over. I’ve done it to keep the peace in the family but I don’t want to be a mug any longer.

WIBU to just send a cheque for Christmas with a note saying “seeing as I didn’t receive a thank you for your birthday gifts this year, I assume you weren’t happy with what I bought you. I thought I’d just send money this year so you can buy what you want and I won’t have the trouble and expense of arranging delivery etc.”

Any help with wording would be really helpful please! I don’t want a falling out in my family but I’m also sick of being treated like crap. After almost 18 years I just feel done now.

@VaselineHero “Knowing deep down you are self-abandoning and receiving nothing but contempt and disgust for that is utterly soul destroying.”

Thanks for putting it so eloquently. This was pretty much where I was at when I posted tonight. I doubt I’m respected in my family, I need to be able to at least respect myself and not be a mug anymore.

Name the goats after the teens 😁

OP, I know it feels terrifying but once you start putting the effort, time and money you spend on ungrateful family towards yourself, your closest friends and any potential dates, you may well just find that real love that is so lacking from your family. I feel your relationship with them is actually holding you back from receiving true love and once you start actively practicing self love and prioritising your own needs and desires, you will start to give off a different vibe which will attract more positive people into your life.

Just stop giving. Simple! DH's nephews never acknowledged or thanked us for (considerably cheaper) birthday and Christmas gifts, SIL never acknowledged them and often wouldn't give our DS a gift. DS was 21 and there was no card, my mum died and there was no card, eventually a text on the day of her funeral. Makes Christmas easier and more affordable.

I have a sister and brother but would also adopt you 😊 My closest friend is my sis too as her real siblings aren't known to her.

It's good to hear you're thinking of stopping this nonsense.

Shadylady if you ever decide to have DCs of your own I bet you'll make a lovely mum. I had a toxic family growing up and when it came to my own kids I just thought "what would DM do" , and then I'd do the opposite. Worked every time

Be kind to yourself, somebody said that to me a long time ago and it was such a simple thing but you know, it really resonated with me as I realised how harsh my own self-image was at that time, I didnt think I was worth loving up until then

Argh @CuriousMama and @acrackineverything I’m actually crying reading these lovely words. Thank you. Sincerely.

I’d love to be a mum more than anything in this world and can relate to the “do the opposite of what my mum did” idea! I just hope the right man turns up before it’s too late. I think people on here could be right about me having given so much time and energy to family who’ve not been able to reciprocate meaning that I haven’t had enough to give to really decent people in life. I never saw it that way until tonight. It makes a lot of sense.

Pros and cons to being self dependent.

I find it hard now to make friends I don't trust easily and I certainly don't rely on people.

But the good friends I do have seem to think I'm a good person and some I've had over 30 years. As far as I'm concerned there are certain very close friends who ARE family. My mum hates me saying that because she (rightly actually) perceives it as a criticism of her as a mother. Well don't wanna be called a shit mum don't be one!

You showered them with expensive gifts pretty much all their lives and that got you to where you are and now you still want to send them a cheque? Why? Do you expect a different outcome?

@Graphista, it’s really good to know things have worked out and you have created your own family through friends. I see what you mean about making friends. I’ve noticed since having counselling I’m much more conscious and cautious about who I’m letting into my life now.

@tiggerkid not sure if you’ve not RTFT but in a nutshell the only reason I’d be sending a cheque would be to avoid a huge family rift. I’d also be sending a MUCH smaller cheque. If I send nothing, my parents could well disown me.

Would it be the end of the world if your parents did disown you? What do they bring to your life apart from FOG?

But what do they send you for Xmas?
Why do you sound such huge sums on them?
Just send a card this year. Tell your sister why, when she asks. Will your life be any worse? Who cares what she thinks of you?!

*spend

Why would your parents disown you? It’s up to you what you spend! They sound bonkers.

Pet, if your own family are incapable of love, why are you looking to them for love? Ease away from them. Then you can put effort into your own friends and meeting people who Will genuinely love and support you.

The charity donation idea is great. Maybe make it a children’s charity and note in the card that you’re sure they’ll be so happy to help kids less fortunate!

I’m pretty sure this has been said already but I’m really in favour of buying goats for a village, or sponsoring a couple of endangered animals in their name.
You send a card wishing them all a very merry Christmas etc containing photos and adoption documents stating that the sponsored animals are called Fuck1 & Fuck2

bitoutofpractice how lovely for you that you apparently have no experience of the dynamics in a toxic family. It can fuck with your sense of worth, your idea of what's normal, what you expect from the world and others.

You seem like such a lovely considerate person op. Invest in your own happiness and well being

they cant disown you..... who will look after them?

Op, these fucked up familydynamics depend on everyone colluding.

If you step outside of that by standing in your truth , good things will come your way. Integrity brings itsown rewards.
You’ve been burdened by having to prop upthe myth that your sibling and offspring are somehow owed a massive debt by you and your parents. Fear is allowed to rule.

You can set ourself free of this gnarled up energy, Give yourself permission to step outside it.

The £25 cheque and little explanation sounds a great move.

Stand in your truth x

£20 and a card - job done!

Sorry but if my parents were going to disown me for that, I would be the one walking away. Easier said than done I know, but you only get one life. Spend it with people who make you feel good.

If I send nothing, my parents could well disown me.

You are clearly a lovely person who is going through a lot, so please see this as gentle and not accusatory.

You're in effect buying your place in the family. And your family are only allowing you the place that they think you've paid for.

Think about what other, useful things that you could buy for yourself with that money. Something for you that will actually make you feel good rather than oppressed.

It also might be that you'll find MrRight a lot sooner if you're focusing your energy outwards rather than towards your family. Confidence and happiness are well sexy.