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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU - Ungrateful Teens?

155 replies

ShadyLady53 · 28/10/2018 16:33

My sibling is a single parent to two older teenagers and lives in a different country. From a young age, the children were raised with no rules or boundaries and have always been quite bad mannered and spoiled.

Whenever they’ve visited or I’ve visited them or we’ve taken them on dream holidays (at no cost to my sibling) we’ve been expected to turn a blind eye to rude actions and words towards myself and my parents, waiting staff/ hotel/ shop workers etc and sulking/tantrums when they’ve not got what they’ve wanted. They’ve destroyed furniture and household items (ie picked leather off the sofa, dug out grouting in the bathroom, peeled off wallpaper) even as teenagers.

My sibling goes no contact with anyone who makes any suggestions or observations about their behaviour. They believe their children are the most beautiful, most talented children in the world and will not accept any other narrative, no matter how gentle an approach we use.

Each year I spend around £500 or £600 on them between Christmas/Birthdays and extra treats. It’s difficult to get presents delivered to the country they live in and my family and I have some trouble to get gifts over there.

I did not receive a thank you or an acknowledgment of any kind for the expensive and thoughtful birthday gifts I sent earlier in the year. The gifts were definitely received and since then they’ve text with selfies/pictures of themselves on nights out/trips and “sign this petition” messages. Whenever they do get in contact they never say “Hi hope you’re well” it’s only ever “I wore this dress last night and everyone was saying I looked stunning” or “I did x and made (my sibling) cry cos I was so amazing”.

The last Christmas I spent with them, something really wonderful happened for me on Christmas Eve that I tried not to make a big deal of but I did get some attention for it. The eldest teen proceeded to ignore me totally and go off and sulk in a different room for the rest of Christmas Eve because they couldn’t stand anyone else getting any attention. I was very hurt because over the years I’ve given a lot of love and nurturing to them and always overlooked my own feelings when I’ve been treated badly. I asked my sibling what was wrong and they said “X is really pissed off at you because of what happened for you tonight” and they burst out laughing thinking it was hilarious. The rest of the family felt very awkward because the eldest was refusing to be around any of us. The sulking continued into Christmas Day when they also refused to say hello or acknowledge one of my parents. My parents and I spent over £1000 between us on the two teenagers for Christmas and straight away the eldest went on Instagram and started saying how all their friends got better presents and how it wasn’t fair. It was very difficult for us to afford that level of spending and so the attitude was a real kick in the teeth.

I’m at the point now where I am just completely done. They are practically adults and I’m sick of putting myself out there and getting stepped all over. I’ve done it to keep the peace in the family but I don’t want to be a mug any longer.

WIBU to just send a cheque for Christmas with a note saying “seeing as I didn’t receive a thank you for your birthday gifts this year, I assume you weren’t happy with what I bought you. I thought I’d just send money this year so you can buy what you want and I won’t have the trouble and expense of arranging delivery etc.”

Any help with wording would be really helpful please! I don’t want a falling out in my family but I’m also sick of being treated like crap. After almost 18 years I just feel done now.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 28/10/2018 17:03

I wouldn't send them a single thing, sorry. That's beyond rude.

tasharichford · 28/10/2018 17:04

Their behaviour is disgusting! If my kids acted like this I would go crazy and they are only 8 and 6. Send them a Christmas card that's all.

Original poster
ShadyLady53 · 28/10/2018 17:05

Thanks everyone. Seems the general consensus is to send a card only. I’d be happy to do that tbh but it would definitely cause a rift in the family and I would be painted as the black sheep.

I would have been happy to send £25 each over the years but the rest of my family saw this as a paltry amount and said it was unacceptable. When I was a student I gave them £15 each for a day out and the 12 year old made a sarcastic comment about it not being enough.

I think if I didn’t send anything at all, they would stop speaking to me as would my sibling and my parents would blame me for the rift in the family. It is a dysfunctional set up! I feel like I want to end the madness but can’t do it without being portrayed badly. So it’s either one person (me) get hurt or my elderly parents, my siblings and the children etc act hurt/annoyed/upset.

OP posts:
Loftyswops988 · 28/10/2018 17:05

Why have you spent this much on them ?! Your sister is not the only enabler here, but you and your parents too. They obviously expect things on a plate

inlectorecumbit · 28/10/2018 17:05

Adopt a couple of donkeys or goats via a charity and sent them the link in a Christmas Card.
Better still sponser a child in their name- see if that brings them down to earth,
I don' t think so

Jux · 28/10/2018 17:05

Send a card to the whole family but nothing else. Why are you wasting this amount of money and effort?

I WAS going to say "teens are nearly always ungrateful" but they take the biscuit. They are spoilt rude nasty brats. I'd wash my hands of them.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 28/10/2018 17:07

Sorry, but you have all contributed to this ghastly behaviour by over indulging them and not reprimanding them for their appalling actions. Send them nothing, but it is not the children’s fault, they could be in for a tough time in adulthood.

whatnametouse · 28/10/2018 17:07

Another vote for a charity donation

Send a card saying you have done than and will sort out an “experience” to do together when they are next in the country - can be a walk to country pub or a day working with the homeless or whatever you think appropriate.

Rudgie47 · 28/10/2018 17:07

Why on earth have you been spending all that money on them? Whats that about?
Listen, you cant buy people you know. These kids are not interested in you or your life.
If you must then just send a card, but no money ever again.Spend that money on yourself, you could get loads with it.

helpmum2003 · 28/10/2018 17:07

I agree send nothing - awful behaviour. Is your sibling the golden child?

What huge sums of money! Poor you.

inlectorecumbit · 28/10/2018 17:07

Would it be such a loss if these teens stopped speaking to you? It doesn't sound like they speak much to you anyway !!!
They have totally brought it on themselves.
Sent a card- nowt else.

helpmum2003 · 28/10/2018 17:08

I understand you don't want to cause a family rift but maybe it would be better for you to be less involved with them....

Amiable · 28/10/2018 17:10

Another vote for a charity donation, perhaps send them a message along the lines of “ seeing as you have so much already I know you would appreciate the opportuntiy to give something back, so have donated to XX in your name”, along with proof of the donation. See what they think of that, ungrateful so and so’s!

OscarWildesGreenCarnation · 28/10/2018 17:10

You are being subjected to hideous emotional blackmail. Do you really want that to continue? They, and by the sounds of it, your sibling, are spoilt and rude and frankly vile. You on the other hand sound like a good person, kind and caring, albeit naive and used. Save yourself and your sanity by sending them bugger all, ever again, apart from a card. Enjoy the thought of them shaking said card looking for floating cash. Greedy, entitled lot. Bad luck OP, but I'd cut ties.

HeckyPeck · 28/10/2018 17:13

Do you think a charity donation and a token gift (chocolates?) would cause a rift?

What if you said “I know what wonderful, kind people you are and I thought this would be perfect for you.”

Tahani · 28/10/2018 17:14

It was very difficult for us to afford that level of spending and so the attitude was a real kick in the teeth.

ffs what is wrong with you? what are you getting from the relationship here? they're treating you like shit, and you are allowing them to.
I'd cut them off, and let them know why

Original poster
ShadyLady53 · 28/10/2018 17:15

If I don’t have a relationship with my parents, I don’t have any other family. I don’t have a partner or anything.

I’m under no illusion that my sibling or their children have feelings for me. I know that we’ve all enabled the behaviour and I have tried to explain that for donkey’s years to my parents but been made out to be a nasty evil witch for suggesting that we have some ground rules or that I don’t give as much money etc.

OP posts:
Jux · 28/10/2018 17:16

The charity donation is a great idea. Send them a goat (figuratively speaking), or perhaps do one of those adoption things where they get regular news of their animal, just to remind them.....

MyBrexitIsIll · 28/10/2018 17:16

I’ll be harsh but your sibling HAS raised entitled children but then you’ve also let them get away with murder, accepting behaviours that just aren’t acceptable.
The ‘YOU’ been you and your parents.

Now that you are trying to stand your ground, with two people who are much older, whatever you do will be seen as extremely harsh because you have never said it wasn’t ok in your eyes iyswim.

I’m getting the feeling that the issue isn’t that much about not upsettting thé children but about your parents reactions (and then been held responsible and be painted as the black sheep).
So I wood say talk to your parents first. Remind them of how you (and them!) were treated, which was appalling. Tell them you have an issue to give them gifts that are so expensive when it’s never appreciated. And remind them that actually, you could do with £1000 more in your account (whatever the reason).
And that you are thinking about sending money/less money/a charity card to support the donkeys instead.
How do you think they would react?

AuntMarch · 28/10/2018 17:18

Your sibling IBU to allow them to behave like that. Your parents ABU not to back you up (are you sure they aren't just as sick of the situation though, maybe they would be glad someone said something?)

I wouldn't spend that kind of money on my own children at Christmas (if I had any), certainly not spending it in a couple of brats. In my family actually £10-20 is the norm for nephews and nieces and it stops at 18 anyway!

If you really must send something, absolutely do make it a cheque, and not for as much as you have been spending. They'll only be happier with it if they end up with that amount of cash in their pocket than they were with the gifts, and you don't want them to like this lol.

Personally I do love the charity donation idea though

mumsastudent · 28/10/2018 17:19

send them a Oxfam voucher for goat :) saying that as they have grown up you thought that they would appreciate this more lots of love Auntie X :)

Tahani · 28/10/2018 17:19

I think if I didn’t send anything at all, they would stop speaking to me as would my sibling and my parents would blame me for the rift in the family

you dont have a relationship with these people, speak to your parents, tell them that you are no longer going to pander to these people and let them know that you are scaling back your spends and if its not good enough, then its not your problem

Whats your friendship circle like?

Rudgie47 · 28/10/2018 17:19

How can you cause a rift with people you have no relationship with in the first place?.
Just cut them off Op, I've never heard anything like it.

MyBrexitIsIll · 28/10/2018 17:20

Xpost....

If your parents are not going to be open to ANY change then I would send a cheque with less money.
If there’s any question or grumble about it, then just say you dont have the money this year.
If there is any more grumble, then just repeat. And again.

Reduce the amount again the birthday p, following Christmas etc...

mumsastudent · 28/10/2018 17:20

Jax cross posted great minds think alike :)

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