WIBU - Ungrateful Teens?

[ShadyLady53]

My sibling is a single parent to two older teenagers and lives in a different country. From a young age, the children were raised with no rules or boundaries and have always been quite bad mannered and spoiled.

Whenever they’ve visited or I’ve visited them or we’ve taken them on dream holidays (at no cost to my sibling) we’ve been expected to turn a blind eye to rude actions and words towards myself and my parents, waiting staff/ hotel/ shop workers etc and sulking/tantrums when they’ve not got what they’ve wanted. They’ve destroyed furniture and household items (ie picked leather off the sofa, dug out grouting in the bathroom, peeled off wallpaper) even as teenagers.

My sibling goes no contact with anyone who makes any suggestions or observations about their behaviour. They believe their children are the most beautiful, most talented children in the world and will not accept any other narrative, no matter how gentle an approach we use.

Each year I spend around £500 or £600 on them between Christmas/Birthdays and extra treats. It’s difficult to get presents delivered to the country they live in and my family and I have some trouble to get gifts over there.

I did not receive a thank you or an acknowledgment of any kind for the expensive and thoughtful birthday gifts I sent earlier in the year. The gifts were definitely received and since then they’ve text with selfies/pictures of themselves on nights out/trips and “sign this petition” messages. Whenever they do get in contact they never say “Hi hope you’re well” it’s only ever “I wore this dress last night and everyone was saying I looked stunning” or “I did x and made (my sibling) cry cos I was so amazing”.

The last Christmas I spent with them, something really wonderful happened for me on Christmas Eve that I tried not to make a big deal of but I did get some attention for it. The eldest teen proceeded to ignore me totally and go off and sulk in a different room for the rest of Christmas Eve because they couldn’t stand anyone else getting any attention. I was very hurt because over the years I’ve given a lot of love and nurturing to them and always overlooked my own feelings when I’ve been treated badly. I asked my sibling what was wrong and they said “X is really pissed off at you because of what happened for you tonight” and they burst out laughing thinking it was hilarious. The rest of the family felt very awkward because the eldest was refusing to be around any of us. The sulking continued into Christmas Day when they also refused to say hello or acknowledge one of my parents. My parents and I spent over £1000 between us on the two teenagers for Christmas and straight away the eldest went on Instagram and started saying how all their friends got better presents and how it wasn’t fair. It was very difficult for us to afford that level of spending and so the attitude was a real kick in the teeth.

I’m at the point now where I am just completely done. They are practically adults and I’m sick of putting myself out there and getting stepped all over. I’ve done it to keep the peace in the family but I don’t want to be a mug any longer.

WIBU to just send a cheque for Christmas with a note saying “seeing as I didn’t receive a thank you for your birthday gifts this year, I assume you weren’t happy with what I bought you. I thought I’d just send money this year so you can buy what you want and I won’t have the trouble and expense of arranging delivery etc.”

Any help with wording would be really helpful please! I don’t want a falling out in my family but I’m also sick of being treated like crap. After almost 18 years I just feel done now.

Call the goat Liberty.
Wishing you healing and strength, @ShadyLady53

You know it seems to me that everyone but you are getting their needs met. No one seems to care much for you, or take you into consideration. And you seem to have been well trained to accept the status quo, and are actually scared to change it because if people are upset it will all be your fault. If you have to buy their approval, to give so you don't lose them, then maybe you're not losing very much if you stop. Love is supposed to be given without freely and without question, without cost.
I think you'll find here that they need you far more than you actually need them. You should never be scared to say no to demands. And people who truly love you will never make them.

I'd call the the goat 'Grace' or 'Gratitude'...

@LordNibbler, that’s painfully accurate. And my point really is that no one “truly loves me” or ever has. I don’t know how to break out of this. I have friends but obviously and understandably their family comes first. My family are incapable of love but they are all I have. I’m derailing my own thread now.

I wouldn't send them a thing other than, maybe, a card for the family. Let them ask where their gift is - tell them you have made a charitable donation on their behalf.
And ig your parents "tell you off", remind them of why you have done it and also of the many favours you do for them which will cease if they continue to be unpleasant.

Forget £25 send them an Aleppo landmine rat.

I think if there is a huge rift it won't make any difference- none of them are there for you at the moment are they?

If you live in the NW I will I adopt you as the younger sister I never had x

A card will do.

Stop the crazy cycle once and for all.

You're not helping those teens by enabling their behaviour. But you know this.

Good luck op. If there's a family rift over this, they don't deserve your love, respect or cash.

Yes, YWBU to send a cheque. They may be your family but they're treating you like crap and walking all over your feelings. Time to put a stop to it and get the ungrateful gits them a card.

Thanks everyone. @RandomMess, that's very kind!

We don't really have much to do with extended family and I completely get your comment about no one really loving you. Your friends always put their families first and no-one puts you first- it hurts

Sorry to hear that @RandomMess

Yes, it hurts, you always feel on the periphery etc. Really hope it changes for the better. It's sad there are others in the same boat.

In many ways walking away makes it easier, so really just don't bother anymore

I too come from a deeply dysfunctional family. The point before you take a stand is gut wrenchingly nerve wracking but the actual point at which you do can actually feel quite satisfying and when the kerfuffle has died down - whatever the result - is often a relief!

The amount you are spending on them is bonkers I know parents who are quite well off who don't spend that much!

I CERTAINLY wouldn't continue to be generous to such a selfish ungrateful family.

Talk to your parents first and be CLEAR and ASSERTIVE that you're not going to continue to be so generous when it's not appreciated. That you EXPECT them to if not actually back you up not to side with sis against you because you ARE NOT being unreasonable AT ALL. It's all about how you frame it. If you go in expecting them to give you grief it becomes a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy. If you go in confident and not taking nonsense it will go better.

Then speak to your sister - same mindset - and say what you will be doing as that's what YOU consider reasonable. That you love her and her DC but that you are not being taken advantage of any more.

To be perfectly honest if she chooses to go nc as a result then she's a bloody fool and hell mend her!

I'm Nc with my sister for a wide variety of reasons and honestly it's made my life much easier.

Family or not if people are causing you grief you're better off without them in your life.

All the "get them an oxfam goat" suggestions are fun but passive aggressive in reality and will create a huge uncontrollable row on the day which is the last thing you want.

Overall your sibling has done them NO favours in raising them this way, they must have few friends and be constantly disappointed/angry/upset when life doesn't go EXACTLY as they wish. They'll have learnt no coping strategies, no resilience and as we all know life just ain't fair at times and we all have to learn to deal with that. She's stored up a heap of trouble for them and herself when she literally no longer has the money to get them what they want all the time. Very poor parenting.

I'm with puzzledand there IS going to be a crisis point at which its all going to come out - frankly shoulda happened years ago I don't know WHAT your parents were thinking! So you might as well get it over and done with.

I'm not surprised you feel unloved but I also think that's untrue. That's the hangover from having shit parents who play favourites.

Go on outofthefog.site and other sites that deal with dysfunctional families you'll find LOADS of us with similar experiences.

FUCK ME! And they don't even remember your and your parents celebrations?! Sod them!

I'll happily adopt you a little sister - damn site better than the one I've got!

I've never come first with anyone except dd. Not my parents, exh anyone. It does make you question yourself.

Another one here for don't send any money, just a lovely card. They sound spoilt and ungrateful. Don't bother rewarding their bad behaviour.

Once you stop focusing all your resources (energy, money, time) into these family members who don’t love you back you might find you have time and energy to devote to the real thing.

Thanks @Graphista. You make a lot of sense and there is a lot that you've written that I recognise. I guess it's that scary feeling like I might have to walk away from everyone and have no one at all, it's really frightening. I'm honestly terrified of that depth of loneliness. I feel like I wouldn't survive it.

Just send half what you normally would spend, then half it at birthday, next year just send the £25...
If they say anything just say sorry Brexit you know, things are tight.

But you WOULD survive it - precisely because you've had the OPPOSITE upbringing to your nieces so you've learned that you can't really depend on anyone but yourself and I'll bet that's probably exactly what you've been doing for many years.

Have faith in yourself, you're a strong resilient person.

I understand that feeling of being scared to experience that depth of loneliness. My experience, however, is you actually feel less lonely as you are finally honouring and standing for yourself which feels amazing. Knowing deep down you are self-abandoning and receiving nothing but contempt and disgust for that is utterly soul destroying.

Plus, you may find if you stick to you guns that other members of your family start to change or come around too. Families are funny things and if you step back you will leave a gap which must be filled another way.

Nobody is under obligation to spend more than they can afford to or wish to on presents. How sad that there is no thank you message. Why are parents, not teaching their children to say thank you? I would put the money saved into a pension for yourself or donate some to a charity of your choice. Or save some of the money for when the children are 18,21

Entitled little shits. I probably wouldn't even want to send them so much as a card after that sort of behaviour.

Anothet one who'd love yo adopt you here Shady - shout if you're near Northants! My kids would love you too. My sis is nice enough and sends pressies but isn't that bothered by the children themselves. They'd be embarrassingly grateful for a pack of stickers and someone to play with them or read them stories. (They like to give the impression I do npthing but nag them. Poor deprived kiddiwinks).

You sound like a truly warm and lovely person, but perhaps, understandably, you guard yourself from getting too close to your friends. Have you confided in any of them? I love bringing my single friends into our family life, but am wary of making them feel pitied or uncomfortable... or i assume they're having a nice peaceful weekend and wouldn't want to be around my manic kids. If i had a friend like you who wanted to be around and confided in me I'd move you right in xxx

Lol @ thinking teenagers would be gutted to get money instead of presents?! They'd be thrilled! Don't get them anything!

@1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids Thank you. I can’t tell you and other posters that have been similarly lovely just how much your words have made me feel less alone tonight.

I’m definitely a stickers and story lady 😂 and would genuinely have loved to have been more of a “proper” auntie than I’ve been allowed to be.

I think you are right about me having my guard up around friends etc. Like @Graphista said I’ve learned to only ever depend on myself and never actually even look to have my needs met.

Lots of food for thought. Thanks for all of the support, it’s really helped. I can’t really bury my head in the sand anymore over this.