WIBU - Ungrateful Teens?

[ShadyLady53]

My sibling is a single parent to two older teenagers and lives in a different country. From a young age, the children were raised with no rules or boundaries and have always been quite bad mannered and spoiled.

Whenever they’ve visited or I’ve visited them or we’ve taken them on dream holidays (at no cost to my sibling) we’ve been expected to turn a blind eye to rude actions and words towards myself and my parents, waiting staff/ hotel/ shop workers etc and sulking/tantrums when they’ve not got what they’ve wanted. They’ve destroyed furniture and household items (ie picked leather off the sofa, dug out grouting in the bathroom, peeled off wallpaper) even as teenagers.

My sibling goes no contact with anyone who makes any suggestions or observations about their behaviour. They believe their children are the most beautiful, most talented children in the world and will not accept any other narrative, no matter how gentle an approach we use.

Each year I spend around £500 or £600 on them between Christmas/Birthdays and extra treats. It’s difficult to get presents delivered to the country they live in and my family and I have some trouble to get gifts over there.

I did not receive a thank you or an acknowledgment of any kind for the expensive and thoughtful birthday gifts I sent earlier in the year. The gifts were definitely received and since then they’ve text with selfies/pictures of themselves on nights out/trips and “sign this petition” messages. Whenever they do get in contact they never say “Hi hope you’re well” it’s only ever “I wore this dress last night and everyone was saying I looked stunning” or “I did x and made (my sibling) cry cos I was so amazing”.

The last Christmas I spent with them, something really wonderful happened for me on Christmas Eve that I tried not to make a big deal of but I did get some attention for it. The eldest teen proceeded to ignore me totally and go off and sulk in a different room for the rest of Christmas Eve because they couldn’t stand anyone else getting any attention. I was very hurt because over the years I’ve given a lot of love and nurturing to them and always overlooked my own feelings when I’ve been treated badly. I asked my sibling what was wrong and they said “X is really pissed off at you because of what happened for you tonight” and they burst out laughing thinking it was hilarious. The rest of the family felt very awkward because the eldest was refusing to be around any of us. The sulking continued into Christmas Day when they also refused to say hello or acknowledge one of my parents. My parents and I spent over £1000 between us on the two teenagers for Christmas and straight away the eldest went on Instagram and started saying how all their friends got better presents and how it wasn’t fair. It was very difficult for us to afford that level of spending and so the attitude was a real kick in the teeth.

I’m at the point now where I am just completely done. They are practically adults and I’m sick of putting myself out there and getting stepped all over. I’ve done it to keep the peace in the family but I don’t want to be a mug any longer.

WIBU to just send a cheque for Christmas with a note saying “seeing as I didn’t receive a thank you for your birthday gifts this year, I assume you weren’t happy with what I bought you. I thought I’d just send money this year so you can buy what you want and I won’t have the trouble and expense of arranging delivery etc.”

Any help with wording would be really helpful please! I don’t want a falling out in my family but I’m also sick of being treated like crap. After almost 18 years I just feel done now.

I should probably add that I was a kid myself when they were born and didn’t know the norm. I’ve done what I’ve done because my parents expected it of me and made it clear I would be to blame for any family rift. At the moment I’ve been counting down the days until they are 21!

how old are the kids? for sure send at most a cheque or bank transfer until each is 18.

or something of much lover value if anything

I don't spend that amount on my own children, let alone my nieces. Personally I would say bugger to the rift it would cause.

Send a cheque but forget to sign it. If they want the money they will need to send it back to you. Being as they are such ungrateful socially incompetent grasping types they clearly will still fail to thank you for the kind gift. You can then resend the cheque but date it with last year’s date. Then do the wrong signature. Then write incorrect amounts in words and numbers. Or just keep sending it back unsigned with smaller and smaller amounts until they get the message. People like this don’t deserve your kindness or your generosity, they really don’t.

And as for being rude to hotel / waiting staff, that’s appalling. How can you bear to be on holiday with such awful people?

I feel like I want to end the madness but can’t do it without being portrayed badly

So let them try to portray you badly; no one with any sense would listen and all you're doing now is enabling their behaviour

What's the alternative - keep paying more and more in the vain hope of avoiding a row? If there's going to be one you might as well get it over with now, before it costs you any more

I'd send them a card and say that as you're sure they're more grown up now to appreciate that not everything revolves around them (or words to that effect), you've decided that you will send them a token amount and the rest you will donate, in their name to GOSH for sick children. Christmas is, after all, a time for children, especially the less fortunate ones who will spend it, sick, in hospital.

Stop sending them extravagant presents. They are ungrateful and their parents aren't going to teach them what to expect in the 'real world' when they leave home and have to get jobs. They will be the most obnoxious people I'd imagine that will enter the workforce whatever they end up doing as they will no doubt want to be the centre of attention in whatever they end up doing.

Best of luck OP.

@Tahani I’ve got a good friendship circle but most of my friends are married with children. I have a very busy life with lots of hobbies and not much spare time. I feel like I’m quite popular but that I’m not loved by anyone, if that makes sense. People like me but no one really cares? Hard to explain.

This is ridiculous. Just stop contacting them. They sound dreadful.

You spend £500-£600 on them a year on birthdays and Christmas, why? I don’t spend that much on my own kids let alone my brothers kids. They are teenagers, teenagers can be rude and obnoxious, though there is no excuse for them treating you badly. Stop being a mug and stop putting in so much effort with them, they are not grateful. Just send them a card for their birthday and no cheques.

Thanks everyone.

@WoodenCat that’s hilarious! I love it!

I couldn’t stand being on holiday with them. I’ve started leaving the country when I know they are visiting 🤬.

Sorry it’s not £600 each.

It’s £125 for birthday £125 for Christmas then extra spends for holidays or visits x 2.

They sound vile. Whatever you do present wise (which I hope is frugal!!!) I hope they and the atmosphere they create doesn't spoil your Christmas. It's supposed to be nice for you too

l agree with everyone else who's said make a donation to charity instead. ln fact l'd be inclined to get something like the Oxfam ones where you can buy a goat or something for a family abroad, and make it clear that that's their present. And get something nice for yourself, or do something you'd like to do, weekend away, or something similar. For the thanks you're getting, you may as well set fire to the money. lt's about time they realised what vile ingrates they are.

Send them a card from Santa telling them they are on the naughty list and he’s intercepted the presents you have sent them and given them to more deserving children.

@WoodenCat That is genius! applauds

That’s still a huge amount of money to spend on someone else’s kids/teens. As I said “I don’t spend that much on my own”. They sound like spoilt brats which is why they don’t appreciate anything they are given.

Send them a oxfam goat

The Oxfam suggestions are making me laugh. My sibling almost always forgets to send a birthday or Christmas card to myself or our parents but the one year they remembered they sent us all Oxfam Chickens 😂.

You are an adult OP, explain to your parents that it is your choice and decision as an ADULT to make and as such your parents should respect that. Do not let them blame you for a rift in the family, the resulting fall-out will be between you and your sister and not your parents.

Do not send anything, you have no relationship with your nieces, nephews and sister other than as a provider of material goods which are expected but not appreciated nor gratefully received. You will lose nothing if your sister cuts you off you will, however, gain self respect and peace away from their rude, selfish behaviour.

Send them a pair of socks each. Then nothing the year after. Sounds someone should teach them some manners.

Just wondering if here's a cultural aspect to this, or if you're massively better off than your sibling or parents?

Not that it would excuse their sheer entitlement and appalling manners of course, but do they somehow think you're the one in a position to prop everyone else up?

Send Oxfam chickens right back at them! Stop enabling them and send your parents this thread. They’re enabling, you’re enabling. I bet your sibling expects their dc to be sole beneficiaries of your will. Start talking about how you’re leaving everything to the donkey sanctuary.

@RedDogsBeg you’ve pretty much summed up exactly how I feel/how I want to feel. It’s getting more painful to act in a way that causes me to lose respect for myself than to risk upsetting other people. It’s just hard making the first step.

I think I’d be comfortable sending a cheque for £25 each and no explanation.

No, I’m very much the poor relation.
I’ve given money I’ve genuinely not had in the past.

I fully intend on having children of my own. My sibling undoubtedly is expecting their kids to be my beneficiaries. I’d rather leave it all to charity thank give it to them.

Do you think your parents would really be lost to you if you failed to waste tons of money on your relatives? What would they do? If your sis lives in another country are you and your parents in the same country, near to each other?