To never drive my sister anywhere again?

[AmandaBuffamonteezi]

I gave my sister and her two year old a lift home last night. My niece is 2 and I put her in my son's car seat which is the right size for her. She immediately started to struggle as I put her in it and cried. I calmly told her it was ok and that we had to wear our seatbelts.

My sister laughed and said "She never stays strapped in in her car seat. She can undo it now so she's probably upset she can't escape."

A bit of backstory, I was in a crash recently and although I have carried on driving I am definitely more aware that you can't control other drivers. Someone went in to the side of my car and then another went in to the back of me. DS was in the car too and thankfully was ok.

To get to my sisters you have to drive along a motorway and a few busier national speed limit roads with busy junctions. We started driving and my niece was still crying. I tried to distract her by putting music on but she kept saying "Out" and reaching for my sister.

She wasn't hysterical just a whingey type of cry. My sister then said "I can't leave her to cry. I'll loosen the straps so she can get her arms out." I told her not to because then she wouldn't be in properly and she could get hurt in an accident or if I had to slam on suddenly. At this point we were already on the motorway and this particular stretch has no hard shoulder. My sister then said "Ok I'll get her out and hold her then." Despite me saying no she did it anyway and I couldn't pull over or do anything. I told her how irresponsible it was but my sister just laughed and said "You'd better make sure you don't crash then."

As soon as I could I pulled over and told her to put her back in the seat. At no point did I shout or make a scene despite my sister raising her voice and using a few choice words. I refused to go until she did. She eventually did but then of course my niece was even more upset and was crying louder than before.

When I got home I had a nasty text from my sister saying that I am clearly in need of help following my accident because I overreacted and accusing me of being a judgemental bitch criticising her choices. She also said that I have no right to tell her how to parent her children.

I haven't replied but can someone please tell me if I've overreacted or if I was being unreasonable?

She's suffering from the delusion that bad things wont ever happen to her own family. That's for other people. Simple solution is to never drive her or her children anywhere again. She can then have full ownership when something bad happens.

My lord, I fear for the poor child with such a fucking moron for a mother.

No one is a perfect parent, but it's our job to recognise dangers and protect our children from them as such as possible.

Making sure your child is secured properly in a car, should be something that is a given.

She's only this up upset because you taking the responsible line is demonstrating to her that she is making inappropriate decisions. She already knew that really and needed you to agree with her to reassure her.

She is attaching you precisely because she knows that you are right and she it is making her feel inadequate. In this instance that is because her parenting is inadequate.

You must continue to do the right thing, which is insist that your DN is appropriately restrained whenever she is in your car.

Maybe you could also now take a different line with your DSis as she seems to value your opinion of her parenting quite highly. Maybe you could offer her some support to manage situations where her DD is upset but it isn't safe or appropriate to give her what she wants. Perhaps she needs reassurance that it is OK to let her DD cry while in the car seat. Maybe someone else in her life would judge her for doing that.

I know you feel attacked but the best way to resolve this is probably to try to understand where she is coming from and help her to change her approach. That way your niece may be safer on all future car journeys, not just the ones in your car.

YANBU. You are legally responsible if you are driving. Hopefully your parents will back you and tell her how stupid she is being.

I’ve known people refuse to carry on their journey when their DC won’t stay strapped in, even if it means missing a day out.

You are not a drama queen, she is a very very irresponsible parent.

I wouldn’t give her any more lifts if she doesn’t understand the laws around child seats

I actually know somebody whos baby died in a crash where she was holding the child on her lap instead of being strapped in. Everyone else survived except the non belted in baby, so no, yanbu

To echo a PP, make sure your DS is never in a car with her. If she's so cavalier with the safety of her own child, she'll be more so with yours.

I bet she's one of those parents who lets the kids run around in a restaurant and carparks. If something happens, it'll be everyone elses fault but her own.

A car drove into the front of mine at 70mph without warning, I was seriously injured wearing a seatbelt, anyone not wearing a seatbelt would have been killed instantly. This was on a normal A road. Seatbelts are non negotiable.

I'd send her the following link, to be brutally honest, if I were you, OP. No words. Just the link.

And as Puzzled said... don't ever let her drive your DC anywhere. Because if she holds the safety of her own child to absolute disregard... well, she's not going to be interested in prolonging the lives of other people children, is she now?

I won't even start a journey unless adults, let alone children, are strapped in. My car, my rules. If you don't like them then walk. I've had a bad car accident in the past (not my fault) and I refuse to have someone else's death/injury on my conscience. If we crash, despite me following the law and driving safely, then these things happen, but I'd rather ensure I had mitigated all possible risk. My children certainly don't get a choice, and yeah, as toddlers they did the crying/becoming stiff as a board when I was putting them in their car seats. I didn't give in, just as I didn't give in when they wanted to do other things that weren't in their best interests. Well done in sticking to your guns OP.

Words fail me. You did the right thing OP.

You absolutely did the right thing OP, this is not negotiable.

As another said, I won't start my car if passengers are not wearing seatbelts. This includes elderly relatives who seem to think that if we are 'just local' there is no need for seatbelts. It blows my mind, but as a teenager someone at school was in a car crash and the passengers not wearing seatbelts died. It's that horrific and that simple.

Also, what elainaelephant said - you would be legally liable as the driver of the car if anything did happen!

Stick to your guns, and I'm sorry you are having this aggro and upset with your sister.

She is an idiot, or she is about 14 (but dd had more sense when she was 14 so that's insulting to 14yos).

I'd ignore her now but not give her lifts with her child again. When dn is 11 or so she won't need special equipment any more, but will she wear a normal seat belt? We can only guess.

I was actually speechless reading this. I can't comprehend how a parent can think so little of their child's safety. Id probably report her, to be honest. And send her a link to this thread.

She's an idiot. You sound like you care more about her child than she does.

It's not always easy getting them to stay in but you don't just give up!

Your sister is an irresponsible dick and she could get her child killed.
Better a few tantrums than a funeral

What a shame. You did the right thing, imo.

But I'd also think about what you want to happen now, and how to make it come about. Goldmandra has some good advice, but I'd avoid making it about parenting, imo, as it's difficult to accept parenting advice from anyone, especially from a sibling. Also, the 'it's safe' 'it's not safe' argument won't get you anywhere, because it simply reflects a different way of looking at the world, and each of you will see evidence that backs up your own views. The 'it's illegal and I don't want to get fined' argument might be more successful, but if your sister thinks it's unlikely that you will be stopped and fined, and she's willing to take the risk, you won't be able to change her mind on that. The only thing I would do in your position is try to take the heat out of the situation by saying that you will have to agree to differ. Only agree to drive her if she accepts that it's your car, your rules.

My advice? Ignore your sister now. She’s being a prize bitch because you are showing her up as inadequate and she knows she’s in the wrong. She just doesn’t want to go through her dds tantrums and will do anything to avoid them. My brother and sil were the same and made some insane choices with their dd. This isn’t about you, it’s about her. There is no dealing with people like this. A bit of distance would be a really good thing.

It's one thing to make those dangerous decisions in her own car - it's her place to be deciding whether to flout the law and put her child in danger when she is driving, as foolish as it is.

But to expect another person to take full responsibility for her decision to put her child in danger, and to expect that person to engager themself (unrestrained toddler hurtling through the car and slamming into the driver), then to be shitty with you about it... there are no words!

I wonder if she's being so defensive and scathing of you because the alternative is to admit she willingly endangers her child to make her life easier. Still.

Send her a link to the relevant law (including the penalties for non-compliance) and ask her on what planet obeying the law makes you a drama queen. Then tell her it's perfectly simple: if she ever wants a lift from you again, she and her family have to comply with the law, full stop. If they don't want lifts, fine, subject closed.

Nope YANBU because if anything were to happen you as the driver would be the one that got in trouble not to mention how you would feel anyway if anything were to happen. I would rather have my child scream and tantrum the whole journey than take their arms out the seatbelt how irresponsible is your sister and her little girl will never learn!!

Yanbu. Some things are just not negotiable. Kids get in the car and seatbelts are on before we go anywhere. If they put up a fight they are put in the seats anyway. I have friend who takes 20 minutes to get her child in the car as she tries to reason with her each time (she is 3 nearly 4) I said I would
Just pick up up and put her in the seat but she doesn’t want to ruin her independence 🙄

Your sister is an irresponsible little girl who clearly has no care for her daughters safety or the law.

I would never drive them again.

YANBU. Sorry your sister is such an idiot and giving you grief over this.

What an irresponsible parent your sister is. No one in their right mind would think that it's ok to not have a child properly strapped into their car seat.

She is a stupid bitch.