To never drive my sister anywhere again?

[AmandaBuffamonteezi]

I gave my sister and her two year old a lift home last night. My niece is 2 and I put her in my son's car seat which is the right size for her. She immediately started to struggle as I put her in it and cried. I calmly told her it was ok and that we had to wear our seatbelts.

My sister laughed and said "She never stays strapped in in her car seat. She can undo it now so she's probably upset she can't escape."

A bit of backstory, I was in a crash recently and although I have carried on driving I am definitely more aware that you can't control other drivers. Someone went in to the side of my car and then another went in to the back of me. DS was in the car too and thankfully was ok.

To get to my sisters you have to drive along a motorway and a few busier national speed limit roads with busy junctions. We started driving and my niece was still crying. I tried to distract her by putting music on but she kept saying "Out" and reaching for my sister.

She wasn't hysterical just a whingey type of cry. My sister then said "I can't leave her to cry. I'll loosen the straps so she can get her arms out." I told her not to because then she wouldn't be in properly and she could get hurt in an accident or if I had to slam on suddenly. At this point we were already on the motorway and this particular stretch has no hard shoulder. My sister then said "Ok I'll get her out and hold her then." Despite me saying no she did it anyway and I couldn't pull over or do anything. I told her how irresponsible it was but my sister just laughed and said "You'd better make sure you don't crash then."

As soon as I could I pulled over and told her to put her back in the seat. At no point did I shout or make a scene despite my sister raising her voice and using a few choice words. I refused to go until she did. She eventually did but then of course my niece was even more upset and was crying louder than before.

When I got home I had a nasty text from my sister saying that I am clearly in need of help following my accident because I overreacted and accusing me of being a judgemental bitch criticising her choices. She also said that I have no right to tell her how to parent her children.

I haven't replied but can someone please tell me if I've overreacted or if I was being unreasonable?

She’s a twat.

Good reply, OP.

sharplily "there are devices you can put on to prevent the child getting out of the straps, but make sure it's properly safety tested as the cheap ones make it hard to get the child out in a hurry in the event of an accident"

I think police / fire would just cut the seatbelt, not undo it. Agree that if no police involved, then best to have a belt which can be undone in a hurry if required

OP - does your niece's father know about your sister's attitude to road safety? And your Mum? Don't allow your sis in the car again. And show her this thread. Very unusual to have unanimous responses on AIBU !

You definitely weren't BU. In the eyes of the law, as the person driving the car, you would have been responsible for your niece not being in a appropriate car seat and you would have been punished for it. IMO your car, your rules!

I used to work somewhere that had foreign students who would bring their families along for the course duration. We'd print out and give the students copies of a fact sheet detailing the law on seat belts and child seats.

In fact, if I had young DCs now, they'd be rear facing, years ago we all moved DCs to booster seats too early.

My SIL barely spoke to me for two years because I refused to put ds(3 at the time) on my lap with the seatbelt around both of us to save them having to wait for a second taxi. She, allegedly, did it all the time with her dc when young.

Second taxi, both booked at same time, unexpectedly took another hour to arrive and upset her 15yr old son, which was my fault too.

Some people you just can't reason with. Ignore her dramatics and just refuse to drive her again unless dn is strapped in.

dd2 has worked out how to escape her car seat. It happens.

But as soon as I saw it happen I stopped and put her back in...then stopped again and put her back in...repeat ad nauseum until we got home.

Then I bought a Houdini strap.

Your sister is massively negligent and needs to give her head a wobble.

You definitely didn't overreact. My two tried this on with their seatbelts, they all do. I just used to stop the car and tell them we weren't going anywhere until they were properly strapped in. Your sister is risking her child's life.

A family we know lost a child years ago in the 80s. Someone was holding a child on their lap in the back. Low speed emergency stop. The toddler was crushed by the person holding him against the seat in front.

Never got over it. Never got over the guilt. That was the 80s when it was commonplace and no law about it, many cars did not even have back seat seatbelts. Your sister has none of those excuses.

Show her this post.

Even idiot exH who refused to wear a seat belt always secured DS properly.

Your sister is an irresponsible dickhead. She's endangering these life of her child and anyone else in the car. I hope you send her a link to this thread.

As someone who had their car completely wrecked by a lorry driving into the back of it, with three children in the car at the time who survived the accident due to being properly restrained in the correct seats, I would say you are definitely being reasonable and your sister is a complete moron.

You're definitely not being unreasonable, OP - your sister is.

She's also being irresponsible and downright reckless with not only her own safety - but that of her child. Which is actually worse, I think. Why have a child if you're not going to (a) parent that child and/or (b) protect that child from being killed or seriously injured in a car accident?!

I think there are two ways you can deal with this. The first is send her images and/or articles involving children who have either been killed in a car accident because they weren't secured into a car seat (properly or at all), or been left permanently disabled as a direct result of one. They make for horrific reading. The second is contact the NSPCC and tell them about your sister's neglect towards your niece's safety in a moving vehicle. Or you can do as I did when my ex was failing to properly restrain not only our young son into a car seat, but also his own two very young children into theirs, and do both. Because you have a duty to your niece's continued/prolonged safety now that you know what your sister is doing, I'm afraid.

My ex and his parents were incredibly scathing about children being safely secured in car seats to the point where they got a bit funny when I insisted that my son would be using one until one of the following happened: he turned 12, he reached the height and/or weight which meant that he would no longer need one. They thought he wouldn't tell me when they didn't make sure he and his younger siblings/cousins were strapped in - and that I wouldn't know about the times his then 3 year old sister was left bouncing around, unsecured, in the back of a jeep (the ones where the back seats are facing inwards and opposite one another, with a metal floor directly below). Or that he was left sitting in the front seat without a working belt to secure himself with. Or the time when his father drove him onto a motorway before "remembering" that neither were strapped in. Yes. You read that right. My ex had "forgotten" to secure himself into the rapidly moving vehicle, too.

Unfortunately (in their opinion), my son did tell me, and every time he did, I logged it with the NSPCC. My ex and his wife (who actually is lovely and makes sure that all children are properly strapped in when she's driving!) were visited by Children's Services as a result of it, and ever since then have done as the law requires them to when it comes to making sure that the children are all adequately secured according to their age requirements - and have enforced this with my ex's parents, too. I'm more than sure they know it was me who reported, and kept on reporting them... but I wasn't going to do nothing and then have the death or disablement of a child on my conscience. And I certainly didn't want either to happen to my own child. So I did something to ensure that neither would happen.

OP, you have to do something, I'm afraid. You can't do nothing just because it's your sister... because you presumably had the same upbringing as one another - yet you secured your own child correctly (and thank goodness you did, because they were protected during your horrendous sounding crash), whilst if it had happened to your sister... your niece may have been killed or subject to life changing injuries.

Also text 7yo7yo ‘s message.

Just reply and say sorry you feel like that, I totally understand. I know you won’t want to get in my car again. Thanks for the advice regarding counselling, I’ll look into it. Love ya.
See how quickly she takes those words back when she wants a lift.

My eldest was a Houdini and I also had a Houdini strap. Best thing ever. Your sister is an idiot. I bet her tv and her phone are insured. A shame she doesn't value her own child as highly.

If she continues to berate you and spout abuse, text her back "I am contacting the police about your 'parental choice' not to put your 2 year old in a car seat. I'll let them explain to you that this is not actually a choice you get to make, it's the law, and that I am not in fact a 'judgemental bitch'."

And you should definitely show her this thread and some videos of what happens in crash tests. If she continues to be so irresponsible and break the law, then report her.

She should be proud to have such a caring Aunt for her daughter, not showering you with a torrent of abuse over something where she is completely in the wrong. To do that to you, and allow such a distraction by opening a potentially dangerous and life threatening situation to her daughter, especially after the ordeal you’ve been through is just absurd and ridiculous - you are not in the wrong OP.

I’m alive because of a car seat. 2 others are not.

Your sister is an idiot.

Just text back with 'people travelling in my car wear or strapped in and wear seat belts. It's not a judgement on you'.

Your sister sounds (sorry) stupid and rude.

In my car it is 'My car, my rules' - anyone doesn't like that, they can walk or get a bus. The responsibilty for wearing a seatbelt for any child in a car lies with the Driver. 'My sister refused to strap her child in' wouldn't cut it in court, you'd be the one who was fined or worse if there was an accident (or even if you were just stopped by the police).
It's not an over reaction to insist on a child wearing a restraint.

The fact that you have had an accident is being used very manipulatively by your sister, it's not relevant in the situation you describe because you didn't over react. I wonder if she would have behaved in the same way of your DH had been the driver, or someone she didn't know as well as she knows you (and wouldn't dare be so rude to).

I'd tell her that as you can't agree you should both let the police and Social services decide who's right.

And yes I would absolutely report her.

OP, what would your mum say? Would she take your side? If so, you should give your mum a heads up on what happened as your sister might get there before you. Maybe your mum could talk some sense into her.

You can drive your sister anywhere, providing she’s wearing a seatbelt, but not if she has her daughter with her. End of. Presumably she’s never been involved in an RTA or she wouldn’t be so flippant.