To never drive my sister anywhere again?

[AmandaBuffamonteezi]

I gave my sister and her two year old a lift home last night. My niece is 2 and I put her in my son's car seat which is the right size for her. She immediately started to struggle as I put her in it and cried. I calmly told her it was ok and that we had to wear our seatbelts.

My sister laughed and said "She never stays strapped in in her car seat. She can undo it now so she's probably upset she can't escape."

A bit of backstory, I was in a crash recently and although I have carried on driving I am definitely more aware that you can't control other drivers. Someone went in to the side of my car and then another went in to the back of me. DS was in the car too and thankfully was ok.

To get to my sisters you have to drive along a motorway and a few busier national speed limit roads with busy junctions. We started driving and my niece was still crying. I tried to distract her by putting music on but she kept saying "Out" and reaching for my sister.

She wasn't hysterical just a whingey type of cry. My sister then said "I can't leave her to cry. I'll loosen the straps so she can get her arms out." I told her not to because then she wouldn't be in properly and she could get hurt in an accident or if I had to slam on suddenly. At this point we were already on the motorway and this particular stretch has no hard shoulder. My sister then said "Ok I'll get her out and hold her then." Despite me saying no she did it anyway and I couldn't pull over or do anything. I told her how irresponsible it was but my sister just laughed and said "You'd better make sure you don't crash then."

As soon as I could I pulled over and told her to put her back in the seat. At no point did I shout or make a scene despite my sister raising her voice and using a few choice words. I refused to go until she did. She eventually did but then of course my niece was even more upset and was crying louder than before.

When I got home I had a nasty text from my sister saying that I am clearly in need of help following my accident because I overreacted and accusing me of being a judgemental bitch criticising her choices. She also said that I have no right to tell her how to parent her children.

I haven't replied but can someone please tell me if I've overreacted or if I was being unreasonable?

She wouldn’t be getting in my car again. Actually I’m not sure I’d be too keen to see her at all.....

Report your sister to the local police, I reported a neighbour once. They sent a police office round to house to talk to them about car safety and make sure they had the right car seats for the kids. I'm glad to say I didn't see the baby on the mum's knee again.

Your sister is an idiot. Well done for being a sensible grown up!

Send her a reply:

'Not an overreaction, just the law. My car, my rules.'

I agree with pp. if she can’t say no to a two yo about something so important, heaven help her when said child is 13. She’ll be on here begging for help!

Frankly you have every right as the driver as it is your responsibility to ensure everyone is secured including your sister and your niece. You did exactly the right thing.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=mKHY69AFstE

Send her this link.

I wonder if she'd say the same about her parenting choices and over reacting if it was a police officer calling her irresponsible. If it's the law, it's not a choice!

YADNBU.

And I say that as a parent of a child who was Harry feckin Houdini.

I have a friend whose DD wasn’t great in a car seat. I phoned the police to ask for advice of what to say to her. They said that in the worst case scenario, if a child died in a crash and the main cause of that death was an inappropriate car seat, then the charge would be manslaughter by gross negligence. This was about 10 years ago.

I wouldn’t drive them anywhere again.

That whole situation gives me shivers. Definitely not unreasonable and well done for standing your ground. Also agree with pps that if she gives in on a demand from her toddler like this it's all downhill from here.

I would just inform her of the law, some stats and make it clear I would not be willing to drive them anywhere until she was willing to travel somewhere without risking your lives.

YANBU. Not only is it against the law and irresponsible but drivers can also be fined if passengers are not correctly secured..I would refuse to ever drive her again especially given her nasty reaction

You did the right thing OP, your sister is in the wrong.

I wouldn't suggest you look them up yourself if you are feeling fragile after the crash (and you don't need to as you're on the right page already) but you tube have plenty is she were to look up 'crash test child seat' or 'crash test unrestrained child'.

And I would totally agree with you not to want to give her a lift again.

I know a couple of people who say "he/she always gets their arms out of the straps, they are so cheeky hee hee" and its obvious that they do nothing to prevent it

@LettuceP there are devices you can put on to prevent the child getting out of the straps, but make sure it's properly safety tested as the cheap ones make it hard to get the child out in a hurry in the event of an accident.

Amanda, your sister is a fucking moron and a crap mother. Please show her this thread and refuse to drive her in your car again until she can learn to be a decent human being.

Wow! Haven't rtft but your sister is so irresponsible. (Also had the child been injured you would have been held accountable I believe not her.)
To show such absolute blatant disregard for her child's safety is horrifying to me.

YANBU to not drive her again.

Remind your sister that it is the drivers responsibility to ensure that all the passengers are correctly belted up then tell her to belt up and that you will not risk a hefty fine and points on your license just because of her bad parenting choices, presumably she had her seatbelt on but had a very poor attitude towards her daughter's safety.

Your sister is a massive twat.
tell her to sort her own transport in future.

DH has just got up and convinced me to reply.

I'm sorry you feel that way but in my car being strapped in is non negotiable. It's got nothing to do with the crash, but I admit that that did open my eyes to how many irresponsible drivers are out there who cause accidents that involve even the safest of drivers. If something happened to DN whilst I was driving and she wasn't strapped in I'd be legally responsible for it. Unstrapping her or even just loosening the straps is so dangerous and just an unnecessary risk. If wanting to keep her safe makes me a judgemental bitch then so be it. I'm sure you'd call the police officer pulling BIL over and cautioning or even impounding the car judgemental too.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm going to my mums for Sunday lunch this afternoon but not sure if she'll be there.

Even My dog has a flipping seat belt system. Your sister is an utter twat!! I think you should send her the link to mumsnet as a response...

This is how preventable accidents can happen so inconsiderate report her

Your sister is an irresponsible idiot.

DD1 discovered how to escape her car seat when she was 2. She got as far as undoing one strap by the time I'd pulled over and told her never to do that again - calm but deadly. She never did it again and made sure DD2 never even tried.

I do not start the engine unless everyone in the car is wearing a seat belt.

Your sister is a neglectful idiot.

And you would have been legally responsible had you been pulled over and she'd been discovered out of her carseat.

I'd send the police round to have a word if they'll go. Or contact social services. It is wilful neglect, against the law, and a shocking attitude to have about the safety of one's own child.

I also wouldn't allow them in my car again.

I am gobsmacked at her response

Your sister is being absolutely irresponsible and incredibly cruel to you by making out that you have a problem. I would text back saying ‘as we clearly don’t agree on this and it’s non-negotiable for me I think it’s best if I don’t drive you around again’ and then refuse to discuss it with her further. I can’t believe how recklessly she’s willing to endanger her child.

YANBU. If anything had happened to your DN then you as the driver would have been responsible. Your DSIS can take her daughter's life in her own hands all she wants when she's driving.

So glad you replied OP. I think I'd be telling everyone in the family that she was putting that child at so much risk because I'd be so annoyed!

My daughter went through a stage of getting out of her car seat, I used to pull over and refuse to drive until she was strapped in properly. Eventually she understood that to go anywhere she had to stay strapped in. No way would I allow a child to be unstrapped or have their arms out of the straps whilst I was driving.