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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think most parents are, or have been, abusive by the standards of MN

136 replies

Oakenbeach · 27/10/2018 08:17

I’m part of a stable family with two well adjusted children... there’s lots of love and support, and we generally very happy.

However, over the course of our family life there are times when I’ve lost my temper and shouted at the children and after the anger has died down realised I was being unreasonable with my response being disproportionate. Based on MN, I was probably emotionally abusive during these outbursts. I have also smacked my children on the odd occasion - never hard at all and always when they have been violent themselves (in the way a 3-4 year old can get when having a tantrum). According to MN I would be labelled abusive for these parenting fails...

However, don’t most parents have occasions when they have fallen short with their kids and haven’t always been models of parenting perfection? I’m not proud of myself for times I have lost my temper etc. but equally, I really don’t feel I’m in any way out of the ordinary.

OP posts:

TimeWoundsAllHeals · 27/10/2018 08:19

Well if you include the people who believe letting a baby cry for 10 minutes is an only slightly milder version of sticking them in a Romanian orphanage...

continuallychargingmyphone · 27/10/2018 08:19

Yes, I think smacking is abusive, always have.

Jackshouse · 27/10/2018 08:23

Occasional shout with an apology afterwards is not abusive. Snack is abuse and absolutely pointless unles your objective is to scary your child and let them know violence is acceptable.

MrsStrowman · 27/10/2018 08:24

If you've hit your children you've been abusive. People only use the word smack because they feel uncomfortable with the fact they use physical violence against a child. Not everyone does this, that's a justification to minimise your own behaviour. An occasional raised voice is not abuse, neither is appropriate boundaries or discipline, if you absolutely lose it and scream and shout and use abusive language this will affect your children long term, trust me I've seen enough of it in my profession, if your parenting has a long term negative emotional or psychological impact on your children it is abusive.

Mumminmum · 27/10/2018 08:24

I didn't even smack my son, when he hit me on the head with a metal shovel (he was 2 or 3 years old). So no, I can't really be sympathetic to people who smack their kids. And don't give me the "I got smacked when I was a kid and I turned out all right"-crap. You turned out to be a person who thinks it is ok to hit children. That is not all right. Don't hit them again.

Thisreallyisafarce · 27/10/2018 08:25

I don't think a standard smack on the bottom is abuse. I know it's fashionable to say it is, but I don't. I don't smack my child, but I know j have a legal right to and wouldn't expect to be called an "abuser" unless I hurt her.

Thisreallyisafarce · 27/10/2018 08:26

And don't give me the "I got smacked when I was a kid and I turned out all right"-crap. You turned out to be a person who thinks it is ok to hit children.

Plenty of people who were smacked, don't consider themselves to have been abused and yet don't smack their children.

continuallychargingmyphone · 27/10/2018 08:26

It’s not just about hurt. It’s also about dominance and submission, fear and humiliation. Abusive? Yep.

sparklewater · 27/10/2018 08:27

I shouted at my son last night (9) because he started screaming at me (for issuing a consequence for something). He ended up outside the baby's room and was getting louder so I grabbed him and shoved him back towards his room. He has a dramatic bent so he flew across the room and landed on the floor, wailing 'you threw me across the room'.

That probably counts!!

BitchQueen90 · 27/10/2018 08:28

I've lost my rag and really shouted at DS a couple of times. I've always said sorry afterwards and given him a cuddle.

I've never once smacked him. I really dislike snacking. I can refrain from being physical with adults when they wind me up so I don't see why it's OK to do it with children. That's jusr my view.

Believeitornot · 27/10/2018 08:28

Yabu

You can be abusive once. You can be violent once. Let’s not avoid looking in the mirror and questioning whether we did right or not. It’s uncomfortable accepting you’ve made mistakes.

That’s the key. Accept you made a mistake!

LaurieMarlow · 27/10/2018 08:28

I don't think a standard smack on the bottom is abuse. I know it's fashionable to say it is, but I don't.

I agree with this if it's a rare occurrence. It's not great parenting, but I wouldn't class it as abuse.

wafflyversatile · 27/10/2018 08:29

Everyone is human and imperfect and we all have some degree of regular or irregular behaviour that would appear on a checklist for an abusive relationship. We don't label a whole relationship abusive because we fall short sometimes on one or two measures.

If we or our friend who is generally a 'good enough' parent shouts at their child we explain it as being situational. If someone we dislike or don't know does it we are more likely to attribute it to a character failure.

Nothisispatrick · 27/10/2018 08:29

I also think smacking is abusive. It’s only called ‘smacking’ when applied to children. It’s actually just hitting or slapping, don’t see why it need a special word to make it sound better than what it actually is .

vdbfamily · 27/10/2018 08:30

I agree OP. And I think if we spent a bit more time beings honest about our failings and supporting each other, the world would be a better place. MN is a funny old world!!

JacquesHammer · 27/10/2018 08:31

Smacking is abusive. It’s dressed up in language to try and minimise the fact you’re hitting someone much smaller than yourself.

Pearofwisdom · 27/10/2018 08:34

Children imitate. If you shout when you get cross they will do that too, then you will shout more, they will shout more etc. Same for hitting.
Hitting is always abuse.
In answer to you question I have not been abusive by mumsnet standards. Regarding your specific examples I have never hit them and the only time I have ever shouted is to shout 'stop, dangerous' when my dc could have been hurt. I would be happy for them to imitate this if someone else was in danger.
Please think about how to control your anger. Adults do not need to be shouting when angry. If you could control yourself enough to not shout at your boss, for example, your children deserve that same level of respect and control.

frogsbreath · 27/10/2018 08:34

I also think smacking is abusive. I would not smack a three year old for hitting any more than I would smack a 33 year old with the same level of understanding for hitting.

For some reason we are allowed to hit children who are learning boundaries and safety etc but we wouldn't dream of doing it to an adult who has lost their reasoning through illness or an adult with learning disabilities who can behave the same as children. We don't even physically chastise animals.

I don't think the odd bawling match with a kid is abusive though, it's a parenting fail as we should be more able to contain our temper but we all lose our temper. Being able to apologise after and say you were wrong is a great lesson for children.

WhirlwindHugs · 27/10/2018 08:35

What people say on here is unlikely to be a true representation of how they actually parent.

Not that everyone actually smacks but lies about it make that a parent that can truthfully say they never shout or smack for example might be sarcastic or passive aggressive or any other negative that's less noticeable to strangers on the street.

I remember being at the park and a parent really laying into their child about something completely minor. They didn't shout, but loudly berated them in front of the other kids then insisted on leaving and taking away an educational treat.

It wasn't textbook 'bad parenting' it wasn't screaming or smacking, but it was still totally over the top and, honestly a bad reaction to the situation.

I didn't judge that parent because we all make mistakes. I hope that was one of theirs and they learnt from it. Just like I feel I learnt from the one time I smacked a child and it didn't help.

But it's also a nice reminder that that kind of parent might be on here being smug about the fact they've never shouted might still be being horrid to their children in other ways.

TheNavigator · 27/10/2018 08:38

I think hitting someone is always abusive behaviour. If they are smaller than you and emotionally and financially dependent on you, that compounds the abuse.

OP - would you consider it OK if your DH had just hit you couple of times, but he was really sorry and he had just lost his temper. Just falling a bit short, eh? Not really abusive.

If you don't think it would be OK for you to be hit by someone you love, why is it OK for your children to be hit by you?

Sickoffamilydrama · 27/10/2018 08:38

Yes parents lose their temper.

Unfortunately their is no excuse for smacking or saying cruel things in a temper. I'm saying this as someone who has done it (very rarely years ago). I'm pleased to say I don't anymore.

I have grown/ been on a journey as a parent. My parents did not teach me how to manage my emotions at all, my mother has weird boundaries, is emotionally immature and the house was chaotic that I grow up in. My father drank and worked to much and shouted a lot/ was distant. These are the reasons why I showed those behaviours, they still aren't an excuse.

I've forgiven myself for my behaviour and I'm hopeful I haven't caused my kids any lasting damage but it's taken a long time for me to get here.

Cookit · 27/10/2018 08:39

I agree I think smacking is abusive. It doesn’t mean it’s not forgivable because it is but it’s not OK either.

MarthasGinYard · 27/10/2018 08:41

'always when they have been violent themselves (in the way a 3-4 year old can get when having a tantrum). '

Ah So that's how you justify it

A 3yo being 'violent'

I kind of agreed until I read that bit

Cookit · 27/10/2018 08:41

OP - would you consider it OK if your DH had just hit you couple of times, but he was really sorry and he had just lost his temper. Just falling a bit short, eh? Not really abusive.
I actually think it’s not even that because most people who smack think it was ok and don’t consider it anything to apologise for. So it’s like saying “sometimes when I’m in a bad mood and haven’t been on my best behaviour my partner hits me, but he’s only doing because he loves me and because I deserved it.”

continuallychargingmyphone · 27/10/2018 08:42

There are all sorts of ways to harm a child whirlwind

There is a big margin for error in parenting because that bond is very strong.

It doesn’t make humiliation or fear any more palatable.

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