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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most parents are, or have been, abusive by the standards of MN

136 replies

Oakenbeach · 27/10/2018 08:17

I’m part of a stable family with two well adjusted children... there’s lots of love and support, and we generally very happy.

However, over the course of our family life there are times when I’ve lost my temper and shouted at the children and after the anger has died down realised I was being unreasonable with my response being disproportionate. Based on MN, I was probably emotionally abusive during these outbursts. I have also smacked my children on the odd occasion - never hard at all and always when they have been violent themselves (in the way a 3-4 year old can get when having a tantrum). According to MN I would be labelled abusive for these parenting fails...

However, don’t most parents have occasions when they have fallen short with their kids and haven’t always been models of parenting perfection? I’m not proud of myself for times I have lost my temper etc. but equally, I really don’t feel I’m in any way out of the ordinary.

OP posts:
platesandflowers · 27/10/2018 18:15

Oh as long as they were small that's fine.

Original poster
Oakenbeach · 27/10/2018 18:18

Oh as long as they were small that's fine.

When did I ever, ever say it was fine?! Hmm

OP posts:
limpbizkit · 27/10/2018 18:30

Honestly @oakenbeach I wouldn't even bother to justify yourself. You're not a bad parent. End of. Forget your past errors and move on Flowers

JassyRadlett · 27/10/2018 18:39

Smacking is really counterproductive, apart from the nastiness, isn’t it? You’re teaching a child that it’s ok to hit in the right circumstances. The child’s idea of ‘the right circumstances’ are likely to be vastly different.

I’ve never smacked. Shouted a fair few times but I’d never class myself as having ‘lost control’. Fucked up while parenting multiple times. But smacking - I just can’t put that in the same breath as ‘shouting’ tbh. They’re orders of magnitude different.

Dlux · 27/10/2018 18:46

@BrickByBrick has a good point. I am against smacking and yes once that is mention then the rest of the post is lost.
I think it always ends up like this in these threads

ABitCrapper · 27/10/2018 18:46

I often feel abusive when trying to clean my toddlers teeth. Or get him in his car seat. Or try to get him to walk along the pavement in the direction we want to go in time for school run. Or strap him into the buggy (hates the buggy). Or try to wrestle a coat on my middle child so I dont get that look from her teacher again.
And I do lose my temper and shout occasionally. Or grab child off the table maybe a little too roughly the tenth time. Or lose my patience shouting "shoes!" For the umpteenth time that morning as we get later.
And sometimes I tell off for a bit too long - go on - and that feels abusive as well.
And then I beat myself up about being a crap parent and try harder next time.
But I always apologize when I've been cross, and try to explain I'll do better, and try hard to repair the relationship.
I give my all to my kids.i am with them 24/7 Barr school for the older ones. The toddler still wakes multiple times and I don't have childcare / family that will have them. Never been away from them even for an evening out. So you know, I do my best. I keep trying harder.
I think that's all anyone can do. I know I'm not a perfect mother, but I am their mother.

Moussemoose · 27/10/2018 18:52

And again - how many of you sulk?

How many withdraw love and affection when you are angry?

How many of you turn away form a child's needs when you are upset?

Withdrawal and sulking is massively abusive IMO. But it's ok but there is no hitting?

ABitCrapper · 27/10/2018 18:55

If I'm angry I need a minute or two to calm down before I can reassure my upset child. But literally a minute, 5 in extremis, then we cuddle an make up. So no, I don't sulk.

Dlux · 27/10/2018 18:57

@Moussemoose but two wrongs don't make one right

Moussemoose · 27/10/2018 19:04

It's very easy to point at a smack and shout "abuse".

There are other ways of being a crap parent. We've all done it - at least I have. I've done things wrong and felt guilty.

My point is that everyone makes mistakes and I think that is what the OP is saying. We all do things wrong and we all need to work at our parenting skills that doesn't mean we are abusive.

A smack is very clear - you know when you did it or when it was done to you. However, it is far from the worst form of parenting but it is very say to criticise.

There is a big difference between sustained physical and emotional abuse and one smack done in anger and regretted immediately.

Personally I felt the sulking was unkind, unpleasant and at times abusive my DM would claim "I never hit them" like it makes her mum of the year.

gamerwidow · 27/10/2018 19:05

It’s not ok to lose your temper with a child to the point you either smack or scream at them. I’m not saying I never raise my voice but I am always in control of myself. My DD drives me up the wall and at times i feel furious but I am an adult and control how I show my ferlings . If you have short fuse then you need to work out how to manage your temper better instead of taking it out on your child (or anyone else).
Having a temper doesn’t make you passionate it makes you a child.

limpbizkit · 27/10/2018 19:06

@Abitcrapper please don't judge yourself for these very normal very human everyday mum experiences. Most mothers could have written your post. I know i could have. I'm dead certain that I'm the best mum I can be and give my children the very best love support kindness and nurturing they could ever want for. But I've certainly had tiring days and done everything you mentioned in your post. The holier than thou ones are 1.) soft targeting and b.) probably send their kids off to nanny's/child minders for long periods of time so they're not dealing with challenging times that everyday parenting will bring. No offence meant - but I think @Abitcrapper post is how many mums feel

gamerwidow · 27/10/2018 19:08

If you have lost your temper on one occasion though it doesn’t make you a terrible parent as long as you don’t keep doing it and try to do better next time. We all make mistakes, it’s learning that’s important.

Nottheduchessoftransiyvaniaaaa · 27/10/2018 19:16

I was smacked, don’t smack my children. My parents were loving and caring and the best parents and I would in no way consider them abusive.
I let my children cry for a while when they were younger, maybe that would be considered abusive?

BakedBeans47 · 27/10/2018 19:18

I am a pretty crap mum in many ways, I yell and lose my rag far too often as I have zero patience but I’ve never hit them.

ABitCrapper · 27/10/2018 19:20

Thanks limpbizkit

Grimbles · 28/10/2018 11:17

Any answer on the age when it's OK to start hitting kids yet?

Moussemoose · 28/10/2018 12:58

No one says it's ok to hit kids. What posters seem to be saying is they hit their children when pushed, its wrong, it's a mistake, they feel guilt but unless is a continuing pattern it's not abuse.

Any answers on whether sulking is abusive? What age is it ok to withdraw affection as a punishment?

platesandflowers · 28/10/2018 13:03

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Of course it isn't ok.

I'm sorry was there some memo that if someone doesn't smack they withdraw affection.

Whataboutism is starting to drive me crazy.

platesandflowers · 28/10/2018 13:03

And actually, there are people on this thread (and others on mn) saying it's ok to hit kids.

Likeshyt · 28/10/2018 13:04

Personally, the generation I’m from and currently in (hell) they weren’t bloody clouted enough. Totally ignorant to the world. But that’s just me, maybe because I rarely got smacked bottom, I have a warped view? A smacked bot for hitting someone else, biting, being a horrid etc etc to me is ok on a very major level (as in their behaviour is totally unacceptable and out of order). But again, this is totally an unpopular view :)

Racecardriver · 28/10/2018 13:09

I think that hitting a child and then passing it off as just bad parenting (or even good!) is abusive. Hitting a child because you have lost your temper but admitting that it was wrong and apologising to your child, while very bad behaviour, as an isolated incident isn’t abuse. Abusing us having power and taking advantage of that to do harm. Loosing your temper but then admitting to it and trying to make up for that isn’t quite the same.

Racecardriver · 28/10/2018 13:13

@moussemouse punishment is an ineffective desiplinary technique. Only reasonable consequences successfully alter behavioural patterns through negative reinforcement. So if withdrawal of affection is a reasonable consequence to the bad action that is when you could use it are a disciplinary technique.

RedneckStumpy · 28/10/2018 13:14

OP, you sound normal to me, by MN standards you will be classed as a demon but in all reality you are a good healthy and normal parent

JassyRadlett · 28/10/2018 13:24

A smacked bot for hitting someone else, biting,

Hitting as a punishment for hitting is so illogical it’s bizarre to see people defending it, even if people think hitting kids is ok.

You realise that parents who do this are teaching that it’s ok to hit, right?