To think most parents are, or have been, abusive by the standards of MN

[Oakenbeach]

I’m part of a stable family with two well adjusted children... there’s lots of love and support, and we generally very happy.

However, over the course of our family life there are times when I’ve lost my temper and shouted at the children and after the anger has died down realised I was being unreasonable with my response being disproportionate. Based on MN, I was probably emotionally abusive during these outbursts. I have also smacked my children on the odd occasion - never hard at all and always when they have been violent themselves (in the way a 3-4 year old can get when having a tantrum). According to MN I would be labelled abusive for these parenting fails...

However, don’t most parents have occasions when they have fallen short with their kids and haven’t always been models of parenting perfection? I’m not proud of myself for times I have lost my temper etc. but equally, I really don’t feel I’m in any way out of the ordinary.

Any answers on whether sulking is abusive? What age is it ok to withdraw affection as a punishment?
Yes it is abusive but what’s that got to do with smacking?
The options aren’t smack or sulk with no other methods in between.
Most of us can not physically assault our kids and not withhold affection from them.

Racecardriver "withdrawal of affection is a reasonable consequence"

That's where we differ - I think sulking is abusive. Withdrawing affection is cruel, considered torture. Losing your temper is not good but there is emotion there a flare of temper then over.

Withdrawal of affection is something you plan and consider and then continue even when you know you are causing distress. As someone who has lived with sulkers I think it is one of the worst things you can do - I would rather be hit.

Withdrawal of affection is abusing love.

Or we parent as best we can and we'll all make mistakes. Some posters were traumatised by being hit some by being frozen out. We all have different triggers but don't make out that your way is best and will have no long term consequences.

I've shouted. I've even screamed. But I never have, and never will hit.

gamerwidow the thread isn't about smacking specifically it about what counts as abusive.

I think sulking is more abusive than smacking based on my experiences of both.

It's personal though and I dislike the the way parents who make mistakes are treated as 'abusive' when they are just human beings who do things wrong when under pressure.

😂 everyone in RL is a bit abusive by MN standards.

I mean, these perfect keyboard warriors...

Still, I've smacked my last bum. Never really believed in it and didn't work with DC1 so won't be doing it with DC2 or 3. Learn from your mistakes and all that.

I regret it. It was a parenting decision I was never truly happy with and didn't make alone, and now that I am on my own I will not use it again.

I will use "controlled crying" with next DC though because it worked wonders with DC2 as I started it early on and wish I'd started sooner with DC1 as she was a bit too old for it.

Sometimes I shout, sometimes I slam doors, sometimes I tell DCs they are horrible/nasty/naughty etc. Sometimes I shut myself in my room and ignore them for 5-10 mins for a "mummy break."

I'm far from perfect and in RL I know I am a good mum even if I don't always do things perfectly. I'm on a learning curve.

I'm doing things better than my parents did with me, and than I did when I was with my ex. But I still have bad days and I still believe in some methods that others think are "abusive" such as controlled crying which I know is not and actually think helped my second DC compared to the bedtime battles and given up job and educational opportunities that went with it and DC1 not being taught to self soothe.

So yeah we are all abusive by MN standards but in RL we are just perfectly imperfect people doing our best until we know better xx

It really annoys me when people say they 'tapped' a child in admonishment. A tap is a light touch, which would not scare or stop a misbehaving child. People mean hit.

I think hitting a child is dreadful, abusive parenting and no euphemism makes it OK.

@bumblebee39 "perfectly imperfect" sums it up about right. We've all done some things well and somethings badly and most of us are just trying to get better.

I think it's a complex issue to be honest and I agree it's not as black and white as some pp suggest

I have never and would never smack my DC , have I lost my temper and screamed ...yes ...i always follow up with an apology and own my mistakes but in that moment it's scary for my DC

The word abusive being used excessively is in my mind demeaning for those who have suffered real full on abuse and the context defines it more than a single incident

I was struck once as a child , after I ran across a road , I don't consider that abusive...my dm panicked and it was down in anger but I definately don't consider my DP physically abusive...hiwever emotionally and psychologically they tore me apart and at nearly 40 I am still dealing with it

My DP however was smacked heavily...i desperately hat hearing the stories , however he does not see that as abuse...his dm was a single parent with 4 DC, 2 of which were far along the autism spectrum and had so little money she spent time homeless with the DC, she had four marriages and screwed up a lot.

However my DP (I now see it more but was very very sceptical at the beginnibg) can recognise her failing but absolutely argues he always knew her DC came first and she moved heaven and earth for them. He loves and appreciates his dm and whilst he hates the thought of smacking and would tear someone limb from limb if they laid a hand on my DC, he challenges any concept of abuse because he ultimately knows his dm genuinely did her best in her circumstances

So by some standards it's abuse by others it's not and context is absolutely key

I've professionally dealt with abuse for decades and am a safeguarding lead in my role and the subject is so far more complex than people realise

I would never hit my kids but I also do not shame them ...ever because that is just as abusive

What posters seem to be saying is they hit their children when pushed, its wrong, it's a mistake, they feel guilt but unless is a continuing pattern it's not abuse.

OK. So....

If hitting is just about the parent making a momentary mistake when pushed then do parents hit newborns? Most would agree that is 5he time when you are most pushed to your limits

Would that ever be excused in the same way as hitting a slightly older child? If not, at what age does it become accepted?

I wouldn't dream of raising my hand to an adult so why the hell would it be ok to hit a child? Raised my voice when necessary to my child but quite rare. There are better ways to discipline

I haven't ever smacked and can't imagine a time I would. I shout sometimes but never scream. It's a rarity that I lose my temper at all - I'm just not quick to anger.

I fuck up at times and get it wrong with the DC and have to adapt my behaviour. But I don't use techniques with them that are based on unkindness. My attitude with the DC is that I don't want them to hit when they're cross, so I don't hit when I'm cross.