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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most parents are, or have been, abusive by the standards of MN

136 replies

Oakenbeach · 27/10/2018 08:17

I’m part of a stable family with two well adjusted children... there’s lots of love and support, and we generally very happy.

However, over the course of our family life there are times when I’ve lost my temper and shouted at the children and after the anger has died down realised I was being unreasonable with my response being disproportionate. Based on MN, I was probably emotionally abusive during these outbursts. I have also smacked my children on the odd occasion - never hard at all and always when they have been violent themselves (in the way a 3-4 year old can get when having a tantrum). According to MN I would be labelled abusive for these parenting fails...

However, don’t most parents have occasions when they have fallen short with their kids and haven’t always been models of parenting perfection? I’m not proud of myself for times I have lost my temper etc. but equally, I really don’t feel I’m in any way out of the ordinary.

OP posts:
Sickoffamilydrama · 27/10/2018 09:15

@rainbowtrain thank you it breaks my heart that I carried that legacy with me but both me and one of my siblings are determined that it stops here that no child or subsequently adult lives with the trauma we've had to. I used to plan what I'd do when my parents finally killed each other, I was 10 Sad
Obviously I didn't know/realise any of this when I had kids, having them was the catalyst for a long realisation.

My family looked like a normal one, they still do I'm sure some of the people on here have experienced the same they just don't realise and have minimised. Then they think smacking/shouting is OK because that's all they've known.
As an example until I was a bit older I thought it was normal to run out of essentials like look roll and toothpaste for days on end. Now I know you just plan better or pop to the shops but as a child that was my normal.

LittleMissMarker · 27/10/2018 09:16

I mean suppose a husband gave his wife a reward chart - 10 stickers to earn a posh handbag. How pervy would that be?

malificent7 · 27/10/2018 09:17

I also think that treating kids as having an equal say to adults is poor parenting.....of course they have equal rights but the adults decide if a room needs cleaning, a meal needs eating or a sulk needs ending....not the kid. A raised voice occasionally is effective and fine.

Believeitornot · 27/10/2018 09:22

after the anger has died down realised I was being unreasonable with my response being disproportionate

^thats what the OP said. That’s not the same as shouting at your kid to tidy their room (unless you add a load of expletives and insults in there, which is over the top)

That’s the abusive bit. You only have to be over the top once for it to be emotionally abusive IMO - eg calling a child horrible names or belittling them.

The key, for me, is recognising that a) it was disproportionate b) apologising to the child and most importantly c) trying damn hard not to do it again.

Let’s not confuse the odd raised voice with disproportionate anger please.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 27/10/2018 09:28

I smacked once and felt awful about it.

I’ve overreacted on other occasions but don’t feel the same guilt.

continuallychargingmyphone · 27/10/2018 09:35

You mean you know full well it makes no sense st all to smack a child to ‘stop’ them running in the road nes

Notacluewhatthisis · 27/10/2018 09:39

Never smacked my kids.

But yes I have shouted. And yes on occassion it's been over the top.

Tbh my exh grew up in a house where his parents never argued, never lost their temper etc. Should have been all warm and cosy. Except he can't deal with any sort disagreement. Couldn't handle negative emotions at all and then became someone truly horrible because he internalized it all.

I think it's good for kids to occasional, very occasional, negative behaviour. I am not talking smacking or very over the top negavtive stuff. As long as what comes next is dealing with it, apologising, and recovering from it.

apostropheuse · 27/10/2018 09:44

"Smacking" is assault, which is obviously abusive. It's inexcusable.

verite · 27/10/2018 09:46

I have lost my temper with my children in past (hasn’t everyone?) but I have never sworn, insulted them or smacked them. Having sajd thst, I was smacked as a child and I certainly don’t consider I was abused. But it’s not something I would do.

Dlux · 27/10/2018 09:47

@Thisreallyisafarce I think @rainbowtrain said on her previous comment to you that it is not banned here but in other countries, Scotland for instance

bigbassdrumbanger · 27/10/2018 09:51

Most people will lose their rag and maybe shout, manipulate etc from time to time. Basically behaving in a way that could be defined formally as abusive. I don't think this is a big issue if we are able to acknowledge, apologise and try to eradicate the behaviour. If I t's regular, or severe, or the person is not prepared to acknowledge that they were wrong/ apologise it becomes a problem.
And I always believe that any level of physical punishment or smacking is always wrong.

Thisreallyisafarce · 27/10/2018 09:52

Dlux

I know, but my point is that rainbow is trying to use that as proof that smacking is DEFINITELY abusive. It isn't. It simply highlights the conflict and debate around the issue, that some people and places treat it as abuse and others don't.

rainbowtrain · 27/10/2018 09:52

@Sickoffamilydrama and this is why it is important to speak up against smacking, because there are people like you that didn't even think it was wrong as it was what you knew.
Massive hug and again well done, so pleased for you and your family.

@Sickoffamilydrama I said on my other comment that it was not banned here but in other countries, failing to see how you think this justifies anything. So it is ok in Manchester but not in Glasgow? These are places that are very similar culturally, I am not comparing Yemen with Cuba.

rainbowtrain · 27/10/2018 09:57

Oh my bad I meant to tag @Thisreallyisafarce on the second part!

rainbowtrain · 27/10/2018 09:59

@Thisreallyisafarce not everything should be subject to debate though. This is how you get the likes of Trumps and others ruling, some things are right or wrong.

larrygrylls · 27/10/2018 09:59

OP,

I totally agree with you. The definition of abuse on here is ridiculous.

A normal happy child in a loving family has not been ‘abused’ if a parent loses their temper and shouts or even smacks (again, within reason). Abuse is where a child lives in fear and is unhappy due to a parent’s behaviour.

Perfection is no more required in a parent than a child and an expectation of it is not desirable for anyone.

Abuse is a ‘big’ word and should be used appropriately, not for trivial things.

Thisreallyisafarce · 27/10/2018 10:01

rainbowtrain

I feel that way, too, almost certainly, about other things. We don't win debates by pretending they don't exist.

Thisreallyisafarce · 27/10/2018 10:02

rainbowtrain

I don't think the fact that it is or banned here whilst being banned elsewhere justifies anything. I just don't believe it proves your argument.

Thisreallyisafarce · 27/10/2018 10:02

Sorry, not banned.

Original poster
Oakenbeach · 27/10/2018 10:36

Interesting comments... I thought I might get flamed by some!

Actually I feel less bad about the smacking than shouting.... When I say ‘smack’, I mean tap them on the lightly wrist which might give a momentary sensation of slight pain, in response to aggression on the child’s part. I know some will say that calling it a tap is a euthemism or that I’m minimising it... I really don’t think I am - it’s the most accurate description of what it was, as a smack implies a more full throttled punishment with the full force of the arm.

As for using physical power with a child... every parent does this! Who hasn’t lifted a child into a car seat and strapped them in against their will when they’re having a tantrum? If I did this to an adult I’d rightly be charged with assault. Clearly with a child, it can be necessary sometimes.

OP posts:
LittleMissMarker · 27/10/2018 11:31

When I say ‘smack’, I mean tap them on the lightly wrist which might give a momentary sensation of slight pain, in response to aggression on the child’s part.

Well, it's not necessarily abusive but it is still poor discipline - in the sense that (a) there is always something else you can do that will work just as well or better and (b) if you did have a child who was persistently aggressive then physical punishment would be one of the worst things you could do in response (least effective, most counterproductive)

ThereGoesTheAlarm · 27/10/2018 11:44

I don’t hit. Never have, never will.

But I’ve shouted. Not screaming in their faces type shouting but yeah I’ve raised my voice

Because when it’s 8.20 and my four year old is refusing to leave the house or put on her shoes or eat her breakfast, sometimes it just gets too stressful.

Elementtree · 27/10/2018 11:59

Abuse is a ‘big’ word and should be used appropriately, not for trivial things.

Yes. I agree with this. It's used like a reflex to admonish parents for behaving in a way they don't like and extends to eating McDonalds, asking a dc to look after a sibling and too much screen time depending on which drama llama is speaking at a time.

Grimbles · 27/10/2018 12:00

What age is it acceptable to start hitting kids?

6months, 1yr, 2yr???

Moussemoose · 27/10/2018 12:04

I get parents asking me what they can do to discipline their teenager who is 'out of control'. Smacking/ hitting is wrong however, failure to discipline is also wrong. Ignoring children is abuse.

We have all been crap parents at some time. I certainly have. I think we need to be careful when the term abuse slips in. Abuse is a pattern of behaviours.