Baby blues. DP won't compromise on name.

[CallieNoelle]

Currently suffering from baby blues. Feeling down after a rubbish birth and trying to think of a name for our little one. I want to compromise and have two middle names as it means a lot to me to use my dads name. He's said no, he doesn't like it, and no to two middle names as it's unnecessary. If that's how he feels there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, but I'm mourning the idea of using my dads name. It would've been really quite special to me.

How do I move on and forget about using it? I can't even bring myself to try and think of a name for him as I'm so upset I can't use the one I loved.

Am I being silly? Our boy needs a name :(

Your compromise is perfectly acceptable. You have compromised, he hasn't shifted an inch - what does that say about the kind of person he is?

My Dsis and I have two middle names - it's very common in the Netherlands, where I hail from. In fact many people have three or even more! It really isn't ridiculous or inconvenient.

Don't give your DS your partner's surname. Go with the compromise you have offered. And however hard it is, learn to stand up for yourself against this bastard not very nice person you are sharing your life with.

Have you agreed on a first name?

I do agree with him that 2 middle names seems too much.

Is there a particular middle name that he wants?

I think it's hard to use a name, even a middle name that you don't like for your child.

If there is to be a first name that he likes & his surname, perhaps he could give in on the middle name though?

Our son has the same middle name as his dad & paternal GF.

I don't love it, but I don't hate it either.

It wouldn't have been used if I had hated it.

I don't have any middle names but if I grew up with 2 it would be what I was used to and I wouldn't have any problem with it unless they were very unwieldy, went together badly or the initials spelt something embarrassing

OK, he didn't have the option of being the one to give birth, obviously, but if you look at it this way, you provided 50% of the DNA for this child and all you're asking for is 25% of the names. That seems more than fair to me. I can't help suspecting your DP objects to the name not because he dislikes the name as such, but because it is your father's. I also think he's taking advantage of your post natal weakness to push his point ruthlessly. There's no rush, you've got something like 6 weeks I think it is to register the birth. Don't sign up to something right now that you will be likely to regret later.

Thehop

Call baby your dads name? I did. It’s so boring it’s really quite unusual for a child
I am puzzled you say that you have called your DC your dads name but you think it is boring , and unusual.
IMO it is far from unusual , on both sides of my family male and some of the female DCs have been given the middle name of a close or influential ( in a good way ) relatives .
I know lots of family's that do this .

OP , was this discussed while you were pregnant ? even if you did not know the sex of your DC I would of thought you had drawn up a list of names you both like .
I think your DP is been unreasonable to not want you give you DC your DDs name as a middle name , has he said why he does not want to use it ? the only real reason I can think of is that he knows / knew someone with the same name that he does not like or approve of .
Eg was he bullied at school / have a hated boss / neighbour with that name .
Can your dads name be shortened or lengthened to something else but similar or a slightly different spelling
Frank = Frankie = Francis
William = Bill = billy
Robert = bob = bobby

Or your Dads name but in a different language .

this must be a very hard time for both of you, but in all relationships there must be some give and take I hope you can agrree on a name you both like soon ,

OP Ok just give you baby one middle name.

First name Whatever, one middle name: dads name, surname YOURS.

That should be what you do.

Is there an alternative op. A shortened more modern version?

Please tell us you are not using his surname . I suspect you will.

If he just gets to over ride won’t forgive you .

I doubt this will last.

Errr you absolutely do have a choice! You want two middle names to honour your dad so that's exactly what you do!!!!!!

Why do you have to let go off this just because your DP doesn't think it's necessary????!!!!! Who cares whether it's necessary or not - it's important to you!

I can't imagine a loving partner being so nasty to the woman who's just given birth to his baby.

Is he usually this vile and controlling?

Congratulations on your baby ..... now go and name him whatever you want! 

vile and controlling
vile and controlling
vile and controlling
vile and controlling
vile and controlling
vile and controlling

You choose the complete name, you’re the mother. Would be nice to have OH’s agreement but what they think ultimately doesn’t matter.

Use your own surname if you’re not married.

I don't know why posters think having two or more middle names is a problem or strange now - it isn't. Choose a middle name each

It use to be a small problem over 25 years ago when companies didn't recognise that some people had 2 or 3 middle names so you couldn't fit them on forms, but now it is considered normal for people to have longer or multiple names.

As a result I got fed up and dropped one of my middle names of my first adult passport just so I stopped having the issue of my names not fitting on forms. I found doing this I chose the name that was dropped so my name is consistent across banks, education, etc. It doesn't help all my older siblings only have one middle name.

More recently I have done a lot if work involving names on systems and we allow more space for names.

Before someone makes a song and dance about it, it is perfectly legal in the UK to be called what you want as long as you aren't trying to mislead or defraud people.

If you are unmarried DO NOT give the baby his surname

With your surname, your life will be so much simpler after you split - which sounds quite likely in your future

Where do you see this relationship in five years' time, OP, 10 years? Still going strong, breaking up, history?

Reflecting on what happened in my close family's history, my suggestion is the first name being something you both agree on - or your choice if you can't agree, your Dad's as middle name, and your surname.

You do sound like you're being bullied, that the opposite of what you need right now, and for the future. Wishing you well.

Please tell us you're not giving the baby his surname - I can never understand why women do this!

If you are intending to give the baby his surname (and your DP wants that to be the case), then there's your bargaining chip; you choose the middle name and the baby gets his surname.

If that's how he feels there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, but I'm mourning the idea of using my dads name.

Why do his wants trump yours? You carried the baby, you get final say imo.

If you're unmarried OP baby needs to have YOUR surname!

This can be amended if you do get married. But I would never have a different surname to the child I grew and birthed and was the sole carer for EVER.

he'd never forgive me I don't think

If you have come to a stalemate and he cant compromise on something as unimportant as a middle name, especially when its your dads name, he knows how important it is to you and you have just given birth to his child I foresee many more troubles ahead for you. He has no good reason not to have your dads name in there where your reasons are completely valid and if he cant see that he is either unkind or controlling.

Agree on a first name and just tell him your dads name is important to you and if you cant agree then you are making the decision. This is one where you have every right to put your foot down.

Also, for obvious reasons, make sure the baby has your surname.

You carried and gave birth to your baby - you can name him what you like OP! If it was his first name and your DP hated it then YWBU to use it, but a middle name is completely different. No one will use it in daily life but it will mean something to you to give your son your DFs name. I would tell DP “I’m using this name as it means a lot to me you can decide on the other one” case closed.

Stand firm. Your baby, your rules.

Don't know what to do ...

Well it doesn't look like you are going to take any advice or give a decent reply to the people giving you their opinion after you asked so you probably won't do anything.

Ah @Thatstheendofmytether in fairness the OP is newly postpartum, upset and probably now overwhelmed with everyone's opinions. I hope she does do something though... I wouldn't put up with that DP behaviour myself

Same as first poster sad. If you're not married,ultimately it is YOUR decision.

Angie169

I called my da my dd name. In terms of what other people think it’s very boring but I love it. It’s really special to me, and will serve him well all my life. My dd was marvellous and was very proud we called da his name. My dd has a feminine variant.

I mean it’s very unusual to hear this name on a child, it’s not cool enough to be an old mans name like say Stanley or Eric but it’s a very stable good, mans name....you don’t hear it on children very often so it’s become unusual to hear.

I realise it’s not unusual at all to name children after family, my family have done it for generations

I’m sorry I’m not doing well am I?

Please remember.

Your opinions are as valid and important as his.
You can also dismiss his decision
You have suggested a reasonable compromise
He is a twat

I was unmarried but engaged and gave DC his surname. Wish I hadn’t as we split up and now I have a different name to them even though they live with me.

Tell him
1- all middle names are unnecessary so doesn’t matter if baby has 1,2 or 3
2 -it’s not up to him as he doesn’t have parental responsibility and cannot register the birth
3 -so his options are either you will choose all of the baby names or he will compromise
4- the baby will have your surname - as it is tradition for baby to have mothers surname, it’s not your fault he didn’t want to follow tradition by being married to baby’s mother first.

As a contrast, DS has two middle names, one of which is the name of my favourite ever sportsman. DH didn't bat an eyelid, even though he doesn't like said sportsman in any way.