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Original poster

Baby blues. DP won't compromise on name.

146 replies

CallieNoelle · 26/10/2018 22:27

Currently suffering from baby blues. Feeling down after a rubbish birth and trying to think of a name for our little one. I want to compromise and have two middle names as it means a lot to me to use my dads name. He's said no, he doesn't like it, and no to two middle names as it's unnecessary. If that's how he feels there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, but I'm mourning the idea of using my dads name. It would've been really quite special to me.

How do I move on and forget about using it? I can't even bring myself to try and think of a name for him as I'm so upset I can't use the one I loved.

Am I being silly? Our boy needs a name :(

OP posts:
nosuchthingasperfect · 26/10/2018 23:10

please please don't back down. It doesn't need to be an argument or anything big but just stand firm and trust your instincts and heart. It's been said so many times but YOU gave birth to that baby, YOU are in control of this situation even though it feels rotten and awful right now because you're right in the thick of baby blues and learning to cope with this new tiny dependent helpless person! I would just say that you're very sure about giving baby your dads name as a middle name and don't let him sway you or let it be a debate; it's not - it's your decision and you've made it. I would also consider surname, unless you can see yourself marrying this man then consider baby keeping yours. If he gets upset just kindly say well when you push a baby out of your vagina you can give it whatever name you like 

cherish123 · 26/10/2018 23:12

Did you not discuss names before he was born?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 26/10/2018 23:12

You don’t know what to do?

Firstly, you need to accept that you are this baby’s mother. You always will be. You will never walk away from him.

You give him YOUR Dad’s name as a middle name.
You give him YOUR surname.
You choose a first name you love, NO compromise names (yes discuss it and if there’s something you both love, great.)

You might not be able to see it just now, but your DP is acting like a complete areshole, and very sadly, I see that getting worse, not better. Do not compromise on your son’s name, it won’t change the outcome of your relationship with DP, but you will hate yourself for compromising if he walks away from you and his son.

Leeds2 · 26/10/2018 23:12

Is the middle name that your DP has chosen have any sentimental value to him, eg is it a relative's name? If it is, he has no right to veto you from also choosing your dad's name. If it isn't, why not have your dad's name anyway, given it means a lot to you?

Athena51 · 26/10/2018 23:14

My DS has 2 middle names, one is my dad's name (my dad died shortly before I got pregnant) and the 2nd is a family name of my Ex-h. His first name was our favourite boy's name, agreed by both.

Seriously, if your DP is less reasonable than my wildly unreasonable Ex-h then there really are issues.

I understand why you are upset, it was hugely important to me to remember my beloved dad as he never got to meet his grandson.

BewareOfDragons · 26/10/2018 23:17

Whose first name choice is it? Do you both like it?

Whose surname is the baby getting? I would give him yours if you're not married. Don't be bullied.

If he refuses to have 2 middles names, then your choice to use your dad's name wins. Otherwise, the baby can have 2 middle names.

Please ask your health visitor for help if you think you are being bullied or pressurised into doing everything your partner's way ... you deserve to be treated with love and respect, not bullied. You just gave birth! You are vulnerable. There is help available if you need it, but you do need to ask...

Congratulations on your new baby.

BrendasUmbrella · 26/10/2018 23:20

Could you use your Dad's name as his first name then? And then one middle name. If you love it, why make it a middle name that will never be used?

BrendasUmbrella · 26/10/2018 23:24

I didn't read properly, he doesn't want your Dad's name to be used at all because he doesn't like it.

Do you like the name he has chosen? Could that one be the first name, and your Dad's name the middle one?

Ultimately, it's equally important that you are happy with your baby's name. You have six weeks to decide on it.

BrendasUmbrella · 26/10/2018 23:26

I also agree that if you're not married the baby should have your surname. Ask yourself whether you'd be comfortable writing and speaking his surname for the rest of your life if you split up.

Thatstheendofmytether · 26/10/2018 23:28

Well it looks like you are going to give in to your dh OP. What advice were you hop8ng to get here? People are not going to give you advice on how to put up with controlling behaviour from your dh and how to get over him walking all over you. You need to put your foot down if you feel strongly about this, he doesn't get to over rule you on a decision like this.

7yo7yo · 26/10/2018 23:28

I’d tell him to piss of and go and register him myself using my surname.
I might not even bother telling him to piss of.
Are there other issues in your relationship op?

MulticolourMophead · 26/10/2018 23:37

I need to let go of the name...

No. He needs to stop being controlling.

Give your baby your dad's name and also your surname. The way this bloke is trying to control things when you've just had a child, I bet the relationship doesn't last long anyway, you have bigger prblems than a name.

CommanderDaisy · 26/10/2018 23:42

What is the other middle name that he is so set on?
Does it have any of the family links that using your Dad's name would? If not, why can't you ditch that?
What input have you had in the first name or the choice of surname?

To be honest, if he won't compromise - stuff him.
You'll regret this for years if you don't. Your sons name is permanent- from the sounds of this your DP may not be.

WhyAmISoCold · 26/10/2018 23:42

I'm confused OP, you said " the compromise is that we picked a middle name each." So what's the issue? Your choice of middle name is your dad's name.

IMO the person who gave birth does get the final say, not a partner that can sod off whenever they like.

Taylor22 · 26/10/2018 23:42

So what do you want OP?

The decision lies with you but you say you won't do that.
So the other option is to role over and give him what he wants....

But how does that make you feel? And now it's this but what's the next thing?

Oakmaiden · 26/10/2018 23:50

I'm confused OP, you said " the compromise is that we picked a middle name each." So what's the issue? Your choice of middle name is your dad's name

No - this is the compromise OP offered. Which her "partner" won't accept.

Out of interest, OP, what is the name? Is it fairly ordinary, or old fashioned, or outrageous?

CC4490 · 27/10/2018 00:10

Our DS has my dads middle name and other than my mum texting me how's AJ now and again nobody really remembers or takes notice of his middle name so if it's important to you give him the name.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2018 00:45

This situation screams of red flags and all the misery with him yet to come. He clearly doesn't care what is important to you, and that is very alarming. Don't be bullied. Choose the name you want and FGS give the baby your surname.

SD1978 · 27/10/2018 01:00

Who picked the given name? Is baby having his last name? Who picked the other middle name. I'd be telling him to feck off I'm afraid- if baby has his last name and a middle name of his choosing- he is being a dick by not allowing you some link to your family by having a middle name that means something to you.

Soontobe60 · 27/10/2018 01:04

I think your child's first name should be one you both agree on. However, if he is to have his fathers surname, he should have your fathers name as a middle name. That way, he has a name from both parents.

moredoll · 27/10/2018 01:16

err, no and fuck off as a reply? He’s not in charge.

Agree. Why does he get to be the King of you?

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/10/2018 01:33

Is the baby having his last name? If so, that can change as well if he's not willing to compromise. The fact is you CAN call the baby the name you want, you're it's mother.

Why on earth does he get to tell you what to do?

SunnyintheSun · 27/10/2018 01:36

I’m sorry you are feeling down - I hope you’ve got good support around you. I agree with other posters:

  • you agree a first name
  • you each pick a middle name
  • baby has your surname if you are not married (on the basis you are more likely to be the resident parent if you split up).

If DP continues to be an arse you pick and register all the names yourself. One of the few advantages of not being married. If DP doesn’t like it he can sort out a registry date pdq so you are properly protected.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 27/10/2018 01:56

Start saying you want the child to have your last name, not his. Eventually he will compromise and you can pick the middle name.

BlueBug45 · 27/10/2018 02:02

OP tell you "D"P the truth - as you are not married it is completely and legally up to you what names you give your (plural) son as he doesn't have parental responsibility.

However as you are a reasonable person you will:

  • agree on the first name together
  • choose one middle name each
  • you alone will decide on the lastname. Choose your own or double barrel. Don't choose his alone.

Tell him if he doesn't agree then you will be registering your child alone as you don't have to give him the date and time of when you are doing it.

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