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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? School "Dads Only" evening.

135 replies

Thomlin · 26/10/2018 10:53

AIBU? School "Dads Only" evening.

Yesterday I had some time off work so picked my daughter up from school for the first time this year. I'm a single mum with a useless Ex, so all holidays are usually kept to cover school hols and sick days etc. I have a demanding professional job as an engineer (relevant later!).

She came running out with a letter in her hand half excited/ half worried and said I had to phone dad asap because the school was having a "Dads Only Movie Night" between 6-8pm that night. So of course I call him and he can't make it, has other plans. She's obviously gutted as says she'll be the only one in her class missing out but I said not to worry we will find someone who can go with you and if not I'll take you.

I call my brother but he is working night shift that night so can't attend. My boyfriend of two years is working and wasn't due to come over last night but said he could get there for 6.30pm if needed. I then receive a text from school at 3.50pm saying "All children attending movie night tonight must be accompanied by a MALE ADULT OVER 16 YEARS OF AGE. Thank you". So realise actually I clearly can't go and text my partner saying please can he come.

So they go and have a great night but a few things about the whole event and what my partners said after are annoying me.

  • After the movie the kids were sent for food and the Dads had to brainstorm around boards what they or the school could do to be more involved with the school. Great I'm all for this, but I have a few ideas too and would love to be involved in a brainstorm like this! I don't think this is exclusively a Dads thing, I think its a working parents thing. If they did more events between 6pm-8pm I could attend, but they never do so I can't!
  • All the dads were asked if anything they did at work could be utilised to help the school, so everyone was asked if they had a trade could they help out? Do the school think only Dads are capable of having trades? My dad is a decorator and I spent every weekend working with him as a teen, I still do homers for people now in my spare time and am highly recommend, but the school seem to only be interested in Dads with trades.
  • It kind of annoys me that in this day and age, the school are still perpetuating that Dads still need to be babied into being involved with their own children. Believe me I've been trying to get her Dad to take notice for 8 years, do the school think a movie night is going to fix what I've been unable to for all that time? Also, if he did go, does it not just perpetuate the whole "Disney Dad" thing.. I'm the one who does the homework, the washing, the cooking, the dentists appointments, and he gets to swoop in every second weekend and take her out for treats and now school movie nights and fun events too! (The letter said not to worry if you couldn't make it, they'd be planning more in future).

Anyway... I don't suppose I have verbalised this very well because I can actually understand their point behind it. At the school run there was of course loads of mums and grans there and not as many dads, so they obviously think they need to do something but I'm just not sure this is very fair and bordering a bit on sexism. Would love to hear your thoughts and what (if anything!) you'd advise me to do? My DP said one mum did turn up, I actually wish I had now!

OP posts:
Mummaluelae · 26/10/2018 11:04

Its just what schools and nurseries do. A nursery my DC attended did a mothers coffee morning, dads breakfast, and grandparents play hour. Just a few ransoms to get publicity ect.
But on mother day and fathers day did special breakfast with waffles, pancakes, fruits ect instead of the norm cereal.

3out · 26/10/2018 11:04

Our school has to demonstrate how they are actively trying to engage groups which traditionally don’t have much contact with the school. I suppose this is where movie night has stemmed from, and by making it male only then male partners can’t fob it off onto the women to attend (again). It’s a shame though if this could have meant your DD missing out.
Why the incredibly short notice though?!

OscarWildesGreenCarnation · 26/10/2018 11:06

On one hand I can see your point, but frankly I'd be grateful if DS's school did something like this just to encourage more interaction by SOME dads. Some are fab and don't need that kick up the arse, some do. Mind you, equally there's some mums who couldn't give a flying monkey either. Tricky one, bet the school thinks 'damned if we do, damned if we don't.

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/10/2018 11:07

It's an initiative to get dad's more involved in school life and from what you have written, it's needed.

YABU OP.

Sowhatifidosnore · 26/10/2018 11:07

Well my DC don't have a 'dad' at all. just two mums so I'd be a bit po-faced at this. Our school does movie nights, with a bar for the adults, and we get an even mix of mums and dads bringing the kids along. Also agree on the 'trades' thing, again our school has dads who are carers and teachers, and mums who are firefighters and pilots. And both sexes who are decorators, builders, plumbers etc. Our school does the occasional shout out for help from parents to help paint, do electrics, do some surveying work etc as needed.

araiwa · 26/10/2018 11:18

This feels similar to white people complaining about black history day

Love51 · 26/10/2018 11:19

My kids wouldn't be attending anything with same day notice. Especially if it was a day the childminder picks them up.
My parents took my kids to an event at the children's centre once that was designed for dads. They lived 100 miles away but I had a job interview or something, I asked if I could send both my parents and both my kids, which I could so long as my dad was present. So my family went, along with one other dad and his kid.
My husband tried to get involved with the dads events at a different time, but they were all on Saturdays, a working day for him.
Schools have to show OFSTED that they work with parents. Lots of parents don't want to be worked with, we play with our kids, hear them read, supervise homework, provide a plastic bottle / orange clothes/ mufti money. All I really want from school (for me as a parent) is parents evening and a play at Christmas. I also enjoy the assemblies they do where they show some work and sing songs about their topics. I try to attend the rest of the stuff out of a misplaced sense of guilt.

Barbie222 · 26/10/2018 11:22

This feels similar to white people complaining about black history day.

Yes. It doesn't sound like you have any intention of engaging with school yourself tbh, this is just a whinge about "someone else getting a turn".

Original poster
Thomlin · 26/10/2018 13:29

I completely would engage with the school but the only other events are Christmas/ Easter/ Halloween fares on Friday mornings, or coffee mornings and I assume this is more of a parents networking type of thing. This is literally the only thing they've ever done outside school hours and its been aimed at only males. I think that's my gripe, why not aim it at "working parents" rather than specifically dads (who lets face it are probably working during school hours like myself, or not interested).

OP posts:
florafawna · 26/10/2018 13:33

You simply need to identify as a man for the evening or find another female relative who will do so.

Sirzy · 26/10/2018 13:34

So I assume you have contacted them with your suggestions as to events and offers to help?

We haven’t seen ds dad since ds was 8 weeks old. I still think this is a good move from the school because generally all things school are seen as mums domain and they are trying to challenge that

teaandtoast · 26/10/2018 13:36

It's very annoying that they seem to think only dads have trades. Back in the day, I suppose, but now?!

Ploppymoodypants · 26/10/2018 13:38

Oooh, Ha ha yes, perhaps you should self ID as a man for the night. That will put the cat amongst the political school pigeons 😊

Totally hoping DD school has a Dad’s only night to give me opportunity to do this.
Sorry to derail the thread.

For what it’s wirth I think you have a point and are peddling gender stereotypes. But also see the schools point of view too.

What happens to children with no male role model in their life though?

Original poster
Thomlin · 26/10/2018 13:42

So I assume you have contacted them with your suggestions as to events and offers to help?

No I've not, but I may well do so now. From what my partner was saying most of the dads were saying things like "well tell us what you need to do and we'll do it", lots willing to help with gardening or maintenance but most said it would need to be done on the weekend. One man said he owned a building firm and was often paying joiners to wait for for so if they needed stuff making call him. All sounds brilliant, I'm totally not slating what they're trying to do, I'm saying theres lots of people (any full time workers basically) who previously haven't been involved but COULD be if the school did X, Y, Z, and these people aren't just males as the school seem to think.

Also, I do think it's women who are generally expected to offer whereas men are expecting to be asked. Why can't they just ask all family members?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thomlin · 26/10/2018 13:45

Ploppy I assume they just miss out which is unfair, but I'm coming to realise this was more about getting Dads involved than it was about the kids so if they don't have a Dad to get involved then tough shit eh?

A positive of the self ID debate 😂 I may well go myself next time and probably would have if it wasn't for the further text spelling out that vaginas aren't welcome (other than at coffee mornings, clearly).

OP posts:
Sirzy · 26/10/2018 13:48

Why can't they just ask all family members?

Because then in a lot of cases nothing will change. Aren’t most events open to all family members yet it is predominantly mothers or females who go? So that doesn’t do anything to challenge.

From what you are saying there was a decent turn out so it helped break those barriers which is a good start

Eilaianne · 26/10/2018 13:51

OP, i totally get you.

you're stuck between two camps - you can't easily attend the stuff the other mums and GPs do like the midweek morning coffee groups, or ad hoc volunteering during working hours... and yet the only evening thing they've organised was exclusively permitted as a male-attendee event.

You're stuck in the middle, able to join neither group.

and that sucks, because it sounds like

  1. the school have fairly outdated impressions of what people's working lives are like now (it's increasingly rare to get full time working dad and non-working at all mum)
  2. the school hasn't really thought about anything other than a nuclear family set up (what about families whose fathers are absent, or deceased? or gay couples?).
  3. they're missing out on valuable skills and volunteering from people like you.

it's a shame.

i totally understand why you posted - it's like they don't realise people like you exist when they did their event planning/volunteer planning... and yours isn't exactly an unusual setup!

Parker231 · 26/10/2018 13:52

Unusual for the school to notify parents that the event was that evening. My DH is actively involved in our DC’s education but would be unlikely to be available at such short notice as he would need to arrange for a colleague or locum to cover his surgery (GP).

Stompythedinosaur · 26/10/2018 13:53

While engaging dads is important, I think this is unreasonable. Mainly because kids would be excluded from a fun event if they don't have a dad, which is clearly not right.

I also agree that asking dads about trades and not mum's is very sexist.

Windyone · 26/10/2018 13:56

Sad for children who don't have a Father around

RedSkyLastNight · 26/10/2018 13:57

Well why not suggest to the school that they need more evening events for working parents to get involved?

I find it surprising that your school literally organises nothing outside of the school day, and suggest that this is indicative of the fact that most parents are able to get to school day events (DC's old primary never organised school day things - perhaps because they realised the majority of their parents worked).

TheSteakBakeOfAwesome · 26/10/2018 14:04

Our school did a dads' event last week and it's caused absolutely massive resentment on the playground. At least it wasn't the only evening event they've done - they do a fair few spaced around the yeargroups and around the school year, but there were a fair few upset parents for a variety of circumstances and those who'd spoken to the school about it had had it tweaked to an "any parents coming into school" event for the classes involved but it was still targeted at fathers on the paperwork.

I'm torn - I understand why the parents who were upset were the way they were, but at the same time - something openly aimed at the fathers got DH actually through the school door instead of him just offloading it onto me like he normally would have done with anything school related so I get the logic of it from that side as well.

TheBlueDot · 26/10/2018 14:08

I get your point completely, they have aimed this at dads when what they are looking for is working parents to get involved.

FrenchJunebug · 26/10/2018 14:11

yanbu op. It is not what schools and nursery do! mine certainly doesn't and still manages to get all parents or carers involved. If you want to brainstorm with dads fair enough but to make it such an event and run the risks that kids who do not have a dad or a male relative for whatever reasons be excluded is definitively NOT the way to go.

AjasLipstick · 26/10/2018 14:13

Our school has a Dad's building group. If a Mum wanted to join I know she'd be welcomed.

It's to encourage more active involvement as there aren't enough direct requests for male parents and sadly, many requests are still seen by both parents to be the job of the Mum.

When a direct request is made like this, it does begin a change.