AIBU? School "Dads Only" evening.

[Thomlin]

AIBU? School "Dads Only" evening.

Yesterday I had some time off work so picked my daughter up from school for the first time this year. I'm a single mum with a useless Ex, so all holidays are usually kept to cover school hols and sick days etc. I have a demanding professional job as an engineer (relevant later!).

She came running out with a letter in her hand half excited/ half worried and said I had to phone dad asap because the school was having a "Dads Only Movie Night" between 6-8pm that night. So of course I call him and he can't make it, has other plans. She's obviously gutted as says she'll be the only one in her class missing out but I said not to worry we will find someone who can go with you and if not I'll take you.

I call my brother but he is working night shift that night so can't attend. My boyfriend of two years is working and wasn't due to come over last night but said he could get there for 6.30pm if needed. I then receive a text from school at 3.50pm saying "All children attending movie night tonight must be accompanied by a MALE ADULT OVER 16 YEARS OF AGE. Thank you". So realise actually I clearly can't go and text my partner saying please can he come.

So they go and have a great night but a few things about the whole event and what my partners said after are annoying me.

• After the movie the kids were sent for food and the Dads had to brainstorm around boards what they or the school could do to be more involved with the school. Great I'm all for this, but I have a few ideas too and would love to be involved in a brainstorm like this! I don't think this is exclusively a Dads thing, I think its a working parents thing. If they did more events between 6pm-8pm I could attend, but they never do so I can't!
• All the dads were asked if anything they did at work could be utilised to help the school, so everyone was asked if they had a trade could they help out? Do the school think only Dads are capable of having trades? My dad is a decorator and I spent every weekend working with him as a teen, I still do homers for people now in my spare time and am highly recommend, but the school seem to only be interested in Dads with trades.
• It kind of annoys me that in this day and age, the school are still perpetuating that Dads still need to be babied into being involved with their own children. Believe me I've been trying to get her Dad to take notice for 8 years, do the school think a movie night is going to fix what I've been unable to for all that time? Also, if he did go, does it not just perpetuate the whole "Disney Dad" thing.. I'm the one who does the homework, the washing, the cooking, the dentists appointments, and he gets to swoop in every second weekend and take her out for treats and now school movie nights and fun events too! (The letter said not to worry if you couldn't make it, they'd be planning more in future).

Anyway... I don't suppose I have verbalised this very well because I can actually understand their point behind it. At the school run there was of course loads of mums and grans there and not as many dads, so they obviously think they need to do something but I'm just not sure this is very fair and bordering a bit on sexism. Would love to hear your thoughts and what (if anything!) you'd advise me to do? My DP said one mum did turn up, I actually wish I had now!

I can understand how you might feel OP, but at the same time, there is no way my DH would have been able to make it to such an event as he’s never home by 6pm (I don’t know any dads who are ) and certainly not with same-day notice! Plus I have no make relatives I could drag in.

I can see what the school is trying to do, but yes, they should be sensitive that not all children have dads around and they could have put something in the flyer such as “If dads can’t make it, mums welcome too.”

It sounds like they’re trying to get some free DIY done. I think it’s great that you can decorate etc, but to be fair to the school, 99% of the time, if you call out a plumber, electrician or builder etc they will be male. So I get the school’s logic in a way. Plus I think a PP is right to point out that if they had called it a “parents’ movie night”, it would have been predominantly mums showing up.

I would just email the school and ask when they will be doing the mums movie night as, like many working mums, you would like to be more involved and feel you have skills to offer.

...works for Pippa Bunce. www.fnlondon.com/articles/mistranslated-i-split-my-time-as-pippa-and-philip-20171002

Well my DC don't have a 'dad' at all. just two mums so I'd be a bit po-faced at this.

Are you similarly featured in response to LGBT focused events? This serves the same purpose of targeting an under-included group.

Personally I wouldn't do it the way the school did. I'd rather see events for everyone which focus on inclusivity in more subtle ways, but there are definitely cases where very specific focus helps.

Presumably there must be a pretty strong problem with lack of male role models and male involvement for the school to go to such effort.

The school are the ones with the info about parental support and responsibility for improving it. They decided this was worthwhile. The teachers won't have been paid. It's nice the staff care so much.

If this is the first evening thing they've done then they're obviously experimenting. Send in a note congratulating them on their forward thinking and say that you'd love to attend if they run a future event aimed at working parents.

The thing is, yes, a significant number of men still do need to be babied into involvement with the school.

They can put more thought into it, certainly, but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

I think it's a great idea and the fact that some dads can't be there doesn't mean they shouldn't do it.

Mandarine I agree that same-day notice is daft but otherwise I know plenty of dads (including DH) who could easily be there after work, or who would make the effort.

Buy a suit in a charity shop and keep for occasions such as this.

OMG, so transmen are only men when they wear a suit?

Bigot.

The important thing is to close your eyes, concentrate really hard on beer, football and the colour blue then say 'I am a man'. Why should OP have to actually pass as a man if she feels like one on the inside?

Makes a nice change from women only activities which exclude men. From what I'm seeing, there's increasing sexism towards and constant disparagement of men by women in recent years in a manner which if copied by men would leave women outraged.

but to be fair that's not that usual. Or maybe it is in your DCs school. There's a fair few dads at drop off and pick up at DD's school, but they are still hugely outnumbered by mums and childminders (but mainly mums).

Your OP is a bit contradictory - you acknowledge that dads aren't involved and you haven't been able to get your own child's father involved in 8 years, but you're annoyed that the school DID get dads involved and invested in initiatives... from what your DP said it was a really positive reaction from the dads there.

I do not think YWBU to ask the school to run a similar event for working parents - indeed, I think they should do that anyway. But I don't think this was sexist in the same way I don't think All Women's Shortlists are sexist, or schemes to get more BAME students onto work experience in particular industries. It's seeing an under-represented demographic and trying to address it.

This is literally the only thing they've ever done outside school hours and its been aimed at only males

Tell them this. But don't slate the event - just say you'd love there to be another event in the evening aimed more generally, please.

This feels similar to white people complaining about black history day.

Yeah, cos men as a class are just so oppressed.

OP, it sounds like the general coffee mornings - which are probably mostly attended by the womenfolk - are put on during the day because obviously women are available during the day when the menfolk all work.

But when they want the ideas people, well, they have to accommodate all those hard working menfolk by putting on events at a time that will suit them.

They've probably shot themselves in the foot though, because there will be women with sought after skills who work doing the day, just like the men (gasp!) and can't attend events then.

I actually think this is a really lovely idea, however in every single school there will b children without dads/dads who cant be bothered/work overseas/work shifts/etc etc

so in short the school would never win really. and to not do something with mums is equally unfair , as im sure they just assume dads never get to spend time with their kids/need encouraging to do so!

what about mums!

I understand why a school might resort to these tactics, if all parental involvement that is open to both parents has been predominantly attended by just the Mums, then this is to try to redress the balance.

I'd probably get in touch with the school to have a word about it though, mostly due to the late notice, and the assumptions about family make up.

Our school has mom and dad events, but they are always done in pairs. Dad’s breakfast one month, mom’s the next. Still hard for kids who don’t have two heterosexual parents though.

@araiwa
This feels similar to white people complaining about black history day

+1 to this. I can understand why you're upset but it really seems like you're taking offense because of your current situation with your absent ex. Ironically you're posting about this on a place/safe space called Mumsnet for a reason.

God, I never thought I'd say this in public but yes, sometimes men do need their own spaces to make decisions on their own regarding their families and interact with other men and talk that through.

If your beef is that there needs to be other evening events, then give the school feedback about that, tell them your skills and ask how you can help. Don't necessarily begrudge people events that were created just for them. And no, I don't think the core issue is about getting more working parents involved. They specifically wanted more men involved with the school and their kids. They probably know that if they directed it towards working parents, it would still be the mothers that show up either by force or martyrdom.

Does your school not have a Parent Council / PTA / equivalent?

That’s very strange. Especially the way the school then tries to rope parents into volunteering. I can imagine how that would go dune at our school ‘Is the school being sued?’ ‘I can come any time for an emergency c section.’ ‘Mates rates on a Picasso for the artroom?’. I can understand a request st for specific help e.g. help we th charity coffee morning, help picking up fireworks pieces after bonfire night etc. But I don’t see what random how will your job help the school musings go? If one of the dads is a carpenter will the school then come up with random carpentry jobs they don’t really need for the sake of it?

I think the idea is to increase presence of male role models for kids when this is often missing for so many. Which is why they asked for another adult male if dad is unable to attend. But, it's insensitive to not consider that there are going to be children who do not have a male adult in their life who can join them for such an event.

And not to derail the thread but I feel compelled to respond to those saying "this is akin to a white person complaining about black history month".... Black history month is the worst. It sets up a dichotomy that all other American history is not for black people and lionizes a few select black people while washing the rest away from history as much as possible. For instance, when learning about Reconstruction, I never once learned about Robert Smalls, but during black history month year after year we learned about George Washington Carver.

I think a dad's orientated event sounds great. Especially with the provision that it just has to be a man involved in the child's life in some capacity (for the kids who don't have a dad).

But having all the 'mums' events during the school day and the 'dads' events outside school hours is completely unreasonable and horriblly regressive.

Very harsh on the kids that don't have a dad. My dad died when I was a kid. That was difficulty enough at least I did not have to deal with shit like this.

I think you are totally over-reacting and missing the point.

Our school has a Father's Day breakfast. And a grandparents day.

Some children don't have grandparents. My 4 died before my parents even met. So I never had any. So? I wouldn't complain to the school that I'd missed out? Or that my children had.
I think your logic is skewed.

Sarahjconnor

Have you offered or just thought "more fool them"?

But the difference is the kids without a dad or other male will not be able to go to that movie. So yes very harsh.