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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? School "Dads Only" evening.

135 replies

Thomlin · 26/10/2018 10:53

AIBU? School "Dads Only" evening.

Yesterday I had some time off work so picked my daughter up from school for the first time this year. I'm a single mum with a useless Ex, so all holidays are usually kept to cover school hols and sick days etc. I have a demanding professional job as an engineer (relevant later!).

She came running out with a letter in her hand half excited/ half worried and said I had to phone dad asap because the school was having a "Dads Only Movie Night" between 6-8pm that night. So of course I call him and he can't make it, has other plans. She's obviously gutted as says she'll be the only one in her class missing out but I said not to worry we will find someone who can go with you and if not I'll take you.

I call my brother but he is working night shift that night so can't attend. My boyfriend of two years is working and wasn't due to come over last night but said he could get there for 6.30pm if needed. I then receive a text from school at 3.50pm saying "All children attending movie night tonight must be accompanied by a MALE ADULT OVER 16 YEARS OF AGE. Thank you". So realise actually I clearly can't go and text my partner saying please can he come.

So they go and have a great night but a few things about the whole event and what my partners said after are annoying me.

  • After the movie the kids were sent for food and the Dads had to brainstorm around boards what they or the school could do to be more involved with the school. Great I'm all for this, but I have a few ideas too and would love to be involved in a brainstorm like this! I don't think this is exclusively a Dads thing, I think its a working parents thing. If they did more events between 6pm-8pm I could attend, but they never do so I can't!
  • All the dads were asked if anything they did at work could be utilised to help the school, so everyone was asked if they had a trade could they help out? Do the school think only Dads are capable of having trades? My dad is a decorator and I spent every weekend working with him as a teen, I still do homers for people now in my spare time and am highly recommend, but the school seem to only be interested in Dads with trades.
  • It kind of annoys me that in this day and age, the school are still perpetuating that Dads still need to be babied into being involved with their own children. Believe me I've been trying to get her Dad to take notice for 8 years, do the school think a movie night is going to fix what I've been unable to for all that time? Also, if he did go, does it not just perpetuate the whole "Disney Dad" thing.. I'm the one who does the homework, the washing, the cooking, the dentists appointments, and he gets to swoop in every second weekend and take her out for treats and now school movie nights and fun events too! (The letter said not to worry if you couldn't make it, they'd be planning more in future).

Anyway... I don't suppose I have verbalised this very well because I can actually understand their point behind it. At the school run there was of course loads of mums and grans there and not as many dads, so they obviously think they need to do something but I'm just not sure this is very fair and bordering a bit on sexism. Would love to hear your thoughts and what (if anything!) you'd advise me to do? My DP said one mum did turn up, I actually wish I had now!

OP posts:
OneforsorrowTwoforJoyce · 27/10/2018 08:36

I've had to stop reading this thread because it's winding me up so much. Especially nonsense like this "The thing is, yes, a significant number of men still do need to be babied into involvement with the school"

Jesus wept.

OP - YANBU

JR1111 · 27/10/2018 09:21

I'm with you OP. Our local childrens centre run only one group accessible to working parents, 'sat a dads' for male carers only. It's as if they haven't realised that women can have full time jobs too.... I wouldn't mind a dads event if there was similar for women, which there never is...

MrsStrowman · 27/10/2018 09:58

I think this is just the school recognising that a lot of dads are not involved much in school life and making a concerted effort to engage them. They probably get lots of mums volunteer and do PTA etc so that demographic is not one they feel the need to reach out to. It's not about you as a working mother or a comment on your skills or abilities. They've just recognised the is an imbalance between the number of mums and dads who are involved and are trying to rectify that. I think you're taking it a little personally.

Eilaianne · 27/10/2018 10:06

Thanks for the further explanations around the black history comparisons (even if there isn't a consensus on whether it's a good one or not). I understand better now.

From what I can tell though, having read the thread fully, is that there's an almost universally accepted group who don't quite fit into any of the targeted ways to get parents involved in schools - full-time working mothers with professional commitments of their own.

I haven't experienced/seen anywhere this is done well (ours is generally ok but not amazing for accommodating working parents) and I can't recall a PP saying here that they've had experiences of a school where its managed well. Which is bizarre when you think about education being a female dominated sector and presumably most women become parents themselves at some point (either through having kids, adoption, step family etc)

BlancheM · 27/10/2018 15:06

This sounds alien to me, the school want work doing so they've sweetened up some blokes before asking them where they will chip in? Has there been a lack of fundraising?
I would've gone to that event as I'm the dad around here as well as the mum but I'd have been a bit put out. No can do!
(Actually I wouldn't have gone at that short notice- I'm surprised anyone did).

BeardedMum · 27/10/2018 15:33

I agree with you OP and feel for all the children with no dads ir dads who cannot make it. I also think mums coffee mornings are really old fashioned and exclusive to parents who work.

GreenTulips · 27/10/2018 17:45

Do you feel bad for the kids who's mums don't volunteer?

Parker231 · 27/10/2018 18:14

DH and I would rarely have had the opportunity to volunteer as we both work full time and anything before 6.30 would have been a no. Luckily at DT’s school the majority of the families had two working parents and the school didn’t arrange events during working hours.

YearOfYouRemember · 28/10/2018 17:18

I didn't have a mum or dad and no one who would come instead. Missed out on loads and it just made me feel more worthless than I already did.

My kids have had at least one parent go to everything their whole school career. I'm pleased I could do that for them and where there were children without someone there I was sure to clap loudly etc for them.

Hopoindown31 · 28/10/2018 17:32

Interesting that the school feels they need to host such an event. As others have stated there will be lots of events throughout the year that are not gendered, but yet the dads don't turn up. Is it because they can't be bothered? Is it because they don't feel welcome? Probably a bit of both. I know my dp and I have vastly different experiences at the school gate.

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