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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? School "Dads Only" evening.

135 replies

Thomlin · 26/10/2018 10:53

AIBU? School "Dads Only" evening.

Yesterday I had some time off work so picked my daughter up from school for the first time this year. I'm a single mum with a useless Ex, so all holidays are usually kept to cover school hols and sick days etc. I have a demanding professional job as an engineer (relevant later!).

She came running out with a letter in her hand half excited/ half worried and said I had to phone dad asap because the school was having a "Dads Only Movie Night" between 6-8pm that night. So of course I call him and he can't make it, has other plans. She's obviously gutted as says she'll be the only one in her class missing out but I said not to worry we will find someone who can go with you and if not I'll take you.

I call my brother but he is working night shift that night so can't attend. My boyfriend of two years is working and wasn't due to come over last night but said he could get there for 6.30pm if needed. I then receive a text from school at 3.50pm saying "All children attending movie night tonight must be accompanied by a MALE ADULT OVER 16 YEARS OF AGE. Thank you". So realise actually I clearly can't go and text my partner saying please can he come.

So they go and have a great night but a few things about the whole event and what my partners said after are annoying me.

  • After the movie the kids were sent for food and the Dads had to brainstorm around boards what they or the school could do to be more involved with the school. Great I'm all for this, but I have a few ideas too and would love to be involved in a brainstorm like this! I don't think this is exclusively a Dads thing, I think its a working parents thing. If they did more events between 6pm-8pm I could attend, but they never do so I can't!
  • All the dads were asked if anything they did at work could be utilised to help the school, so everyone was asked if they had a trade could they help out? Do the school think only Dads are capable of having trades? My dad is a decorator and I spent every weekend working with him as a teen, I still do homers for people now in my spare time and am highly recommend, but the school seem to only be interested in Dads with trades.
  • It kind of annoys me that in this day and age, the school are still perpetuating that Dads still need to be babied into being involved with their own children. Believe me I've been trying to get her Dad to take notice for 8 years, do the school think a movie night is going to fix what I've been unable to for all that time? Also, if he did go, does it not just perpetuate the whole "Disney Dad" thing.. I'm the one who does the homework, the washing, the cooking, the dentists appointments, and he gets to swoop in every second weekend and take her out for treats and now school movie nights and fun events too! (The letter said not to worry if you couldn't make it, they'd be planning more in future).

Anyway... I don't suppose I have verbalised this very well because I can actually understand their point behind it. At the school run there was of course loads of mums and grans there and not as many dads, so they obviously think they need to do something but I'm just not sure this is very fair and bordering a bit on sexism. Would love to hear your thoughts and what (if anything!) you'd advise me to do? My DP said one mum did turn up, I actually wish I had now!

OP posts:
SleepWarrior · 26/10/2018 14:40

I wonder if the dads are more likely to go to something that's aimed exclusively at dads. It is mostly mums that go to school events so perhaps something aimed at working parents wouldn't attract many men as they'd be likely to dismiss it as something where they'd be the only man.

Nothing stopping you seeing if you could encourage the school to do something for working parents outside of school hours. My DC's school has quite a few things - popcorn and pajama evenings, BBQ in the summer, family quiz nights, movie nights etc. All very popular. I'd go for getting the school doing more rather than attacking what they are doing.

RiverTam · 26/10/2018 14:40

if you only did things that included absolutely everyone then you'd rarely get anything off the ground. And I personally think that we are currently having to deal with the fall out of a generation of children being brought up in this hyper-inclusive world. Real life means that someone somewhere will always be excluded from something.

abacucat · 26/10/2018 14:42

I don't care about a dads only event. I do care about kids being excluded.

Justajot · 26/10/2018 14:44

One of the challenges for schools is that families often arrange it so that school communications go to the mother and the mother will pass on anything relevant to the father. I’m not suggesting that all families are set up like that, but many are, with the mother taking the mental load. That means that messages often don’t get to the father. So if a school wants to specifically target fathers the need to address fathers.

Looking at my DD’s Class WhatsApp list there are 22 parents on the list of which 2 are fathers.

Whether it should be like that is an interesting question. For our family it works - I can’t see the point in both trying to figure out what is going on or trying to split it by tracking a child each. And sadly I have more patience for the detail of school life than DH.

bluetrampolines · 26/10/2018 14:44

Omg. I feel your pain. I'm a single mum and a teacher. I could weep reading your post. The stress involved in their Dads only invitation is inappropriate and offensive. Imagine they'd had a 'fit parents only' evening for outdoor activities?

Somerville · 26/10/2018 14:45

There are plenty of children who have no fathers, because they've died, or have chosen not to have contact with them, for whom this kind of exclusive event would be very upsetting. Many of them also don't have other men in their lives who could attend.
YANBU.

Gardai · 26/10/2018 14:46

YANBU
I’m a single mum and I find it hard enough without events like these, especially with younger kinds as it makes them feel like outcasts and shit.

RiverTam · 26/10/2018 14:47

but real life means that yes, sometimes kids will be excluded from some things some times. Surely better to teach children that it's not the end of the world than to bring them up to expect to always be involved in everything everywhere.

abacucat · 26/10/2018 14:48

Exactly, if they want a fathers only event, invite the fathers only.

RiverTam · 26/10/2018 14:49

things at school kids might feel excluded from:

Christmas
Easter
Halloween
anything where there's booze laid on for parents
any event that clashes with a previous arrangement

so, by that argument, none of these things should happen, right?

Somerville · 26/10/2018 14:49

When DS1's rugby club had social events for 'dads and sons', and when they asked for dads to sign up to volunteer to help a few times a term, I just went along, or signed up, myself. Blatantly. Every time.
DS1 saw it that I was his dad as well as his mum after his dad died, so he didn't even get why I was being given funny looks. If it had bothered him then it would have been much trickier, and I'd have had to complain instead, I guess. As it is, they quickly changed the rules.

caringcarer · 26/10/2018 14:50

Ridiculously short notice who ever is attending. I am surprised they got many there at all.

abacucat · 26/10/2018 14:50

RiverTam Fathers only events are the ONLY time I see this sentiment on here. Awards for attendance, good behaviour, academic achievement all get slated as excluding some children.
Children know they can't go to everything But a dads only event is already upsetting for children say whose dad has just died, without adding to it a film that they are excluded from attending.

Gardai · 26/10/2018 14:50

Rivertam- kids from non 2 parent families are constantly excluded from one hell of a lot of thinga already, their lives are very different. As a parent I have been trying for over 10 years to make her feel ‘normal’ as in one parent household.
If the dad’s were needed then they should have had a dad only meeting.

Dullardmullard · 26/10/2018 14:51

What Of single fathers too that are excluded for the mums coffee mornings.

We in society are excluded regardless but only we can change this our selves.

marns · 26/10/2018 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gardai · 26/10/2018 14:52

What has this got to do with Halloween, Christmas or Easter ?!

abacucat · 26/10/2018 14:52

And Christmas, Easter events are different. In those cases the parents are deciding to exclude their kids. Mothers have no choice over whether their kids dad has died.

DancingForTheDog · 26/10/2018 14:53

Very harsh on the kids that don't have a dad. My dad died when I was a kid. That was difficulty enough at least I did not have to deal with shit like this

Same here abacucat. I was at school in the 60's and 70's and felt bad enough about not fitting in as my dad had died, without the school organising 'dad' events to exclude fatherless children and feed into their feelings of being different and inferior.

Gardai · 26/10/2018 14:53

We had a dad who used to go to coffee mornings, not unusual for guys who weren’t working, for example to be totally accepted.

abacucat · 26/10/2018 14:54

Dullard I don't give a shit about the adults here. Organise mums coffee mornings, organise dads coffee mornings, either is fine. I accept that some mums and dads prefer single sex events. Very different from excluding kids old enough to care.

Somerville · 26/10/2018 14:55

but real life means that yes, sometimes kids will be excluded from some things some times.

RiverTam Children whose father's have died already miss out on so much. They really don't need another learning experience in being excluded from their school, of all places. Every single holiday, celebration and party is spent missing their late parent. And there is a lot less time/money/annual leave for their surviving parent to spend on such things. Likewise, I'm sure, for children whose father's are shits who want nothing to do with them.

If school want to promote more engagement with fathers, invite the fathers in. But don't invite the children to a fun event only if they are lucky enough to have a father or close male to bring them.

AnotherEmma · 26/10/2018 14:56

OP YANBU

Somerville You legend Smile

abacucat · 26/10/2018 14:56

And I worked in schools in the relatively unenlightened 90's. No way would I have been allowed to organise something that excluded kids in this way.

Eilaianne · 26/10/2018 14:56

Most school communication is done through the mother

Erm, no?
Not all schools have this outdated attitude that only mothers have unimportant (or no) job. Or that it's mum who always carries the mental load of managing school events, kids commitments etc.

In plenty of households it's whoever has the most spare time, or less on that week.. and (gasp) a lot of schools seem to be able to handle that situation perfectly fine.

Primary carer does NOT always equal mother. And it changes over time or on any given day for most families.