AIBU to need the strength of strangers? (lost my big girl pants)

[TitoTipples]

AIBU to need the strength of strangers?

(yes, I know I am: but I need help to stay strong!)

Long time lurker etc etc. Picked a stupid user name (I sound like a lush!).

I live overseas (to be with my husband: we’d only dated long distance prior). No-one I can talk to here.

In a nutshell: married 8 years: no intimacy for 7: spare room for 3 (mostly my choice: but some practicality issues involved).

Faults on both sides: but honestly: nothing left to work on, never see each other (work patterns mean that I actually mean this literally), holiday apart, he initiates conversation via random passive-aggressive post-it notes / text messages.

I’ve given up: he’s given up. To be honest: I could have said this 6 years ago (and did but I didn’t follow through).

But. I’m his only relationship (as in he’s 56 and I am the only relationship he’s ever had). And he seems determined to normalize this craziness and often states to others how happy we are.

After many false starts at this, and finally emboldened by a tequila shot, I came home from work and I managed to re-start the ‘this just isn’t working; we should split up’ conversation.

His response? I’m too drunk to have this conversation now (he was: alcohol is a huge issue): lets talk tomorrow.

I psych self up to follow through (for once). He now hasn’t come home for 2 days (texts that he’s busy at work and is staying near to work).

This has happened before. Avoiding me for days has resulted in me giving up. But I need people to tell me to follow through. I started this conversation and I actually need to finish it this time.

Help me. I’ve lost my soul, my self, any sense of happiness, and any sense of normal. And I also feel hugely guilty.

Before I emigrated I was never this weak, weird person. I don’t recognize myself.

Please – just give me strength to finish what I started!

And yes: I am being bloody U to ask for strangers to help me find my big girl pants. I can't actually believe I'm posting this.

The biggest hurdle is making the decision that you’re definitely going to leave. And guess what? You’ve just done it!

Now you can get cracking on your plans and look forward to your new life

Where do you want to live: UK or US? You need to decide that first and then you’ll get tailored advice.

Cruising home is an excellent idea. No phone communication, new places to visit, no cooking or washing up. Perfect.

Sending some big girl pants too.

Agree that you need to breathe for a few minutes and picture the life you want - because given that you can live in the USA or the UK you have a big decision to make about geography.

But that said, you don't have to make forever decisions today. You can decide what you want/need to do in the short term.

I agree that some legal advice would help you to make a plan.

If he won't come home and talk about it like a grown up, you can still do what you need to do.

All the best, OP.

Be happy Op.

I haven't read the full thread yet so sorry if I'm just echoing!
Number one - you are not at all unreasonable for seeking solace in strangers. We are all people and we all need help from time to time from anyone so don't feel silly for needing someone to talk to!

Now your husband is a complete tit. Disappearing for days is childish and also he's doing it to avoid a conversation tgat is important so it's pretty bloody controlling too!

Here's what I would do (not necessarily right for you or anyone else but all ideas help you create your own) I would no longer try and get in touch. I'd sort yourself somewhere to stay initially back home - friend or relatives sofa even whilst you look for a rental. Once that is sorted, next is flights. Let whoever you will be staying with when you expect to arrive. Set up a new email just for your husband. Change your mobile number. Pack your bags and off you go. Leave your email written down, that way it's his only way to contact you and you have full control of when you decide to check emails etc. Then once your settled into your shiny happy new life, get yourself a solicitor and file for divorce. You can't lose! The sense of freedom and 'I did it' will be a wonderful feeling and give you the drive to carry on.

You don't have to feel 100% calm and collected, if it's what you want and you're doing it it's ok to feel a bit anxious during the process. You're still getting to where you need to go - in otger words if you can't manage to put on your big girl pants just stick them in your handbag!!

Finally good luck, and congratulations on taking the bull by the horns and realising you are worth so so much more for you tito!

And please do let us all know how you are getting on. We are all routing for you xxx

I can only echo the advice of women far wiser than me, OP, but you can do this. We've got your back.

Echo others! You can do whatever it is you want to do.
I think you should focus on what it is you want- rather than just on leaving. (I'm def saying LTB but don't make that the focus)
See it as an opportunity to do anything you want! Use the time alone to draw up what you want your ideal day/week/life to be

And then, call a lawyer and get the legalities sorted.

It sounds like leaving him isn't the hardest part, more working out where you're going.
Sending much more tequila your way!

Do not get on plane and try to divorce him from the U.K.

U.K. lawyers do not understand U.S. law let alone California law and have no power here - unless they have passed the Ca bar.

Sort it out in California. I did (although another west coast state) and I was a petrified 24/25 yr old with a child. I had no job, no car, little education and no money. I found a job and saved up to leave /divorce the bugger.

I'm still here in the U.S. over 40 yrs later and have never regretted my decision to stay here.

What Charollais said. You know you want a divorce so don't just leave and fly back without a thought. Make sure you see a lawyer and get advice first. You have the advantage of him not being around to question where you are and what you're up to.

Make sure you have copies of any documents or statements you might need.

You need to plan this not run away abroad. At least you'll know you're going in the right direction and you have a positive goal in mind.

You can divorce from the UK. You just need to find a law firm with an international service.

Can you get a short term lease locally? Say, three months? If so, I'd do that and give yourself some breathing space.

Obvs see a lawyer asap, but staying in the area where you work will help with gathering funds and stability.

If you do want to return to the UK, I think you would be better tying up any loose ends before you leave so it's a clean break.