AIBU to need the strength of strangers? (lost my big girl pants)

[TitoTipples]

AIBU to need the strength of strangers?

(yes, I know I am: but I need help to stay strong!)

Long time lurker etc etc. Picked a stupid user name (I sound like a lush!).

I live overseas (to be with my husband: we’d only dated long distance prior). No-one I can talk to here.

In a nutshell: married 8 years: no intimacy for 7: spare room for 3 (mostly my choice: but some practicality issues involved).

Faults on both sides: but honestly: nothing left to work on, never see each other (work patterns mean that I actually mean this literally), holiday apart, he initiates conversation via random passive-aggressive post-it notes / text messages.

I’ve given up: he’s given up. To be honest: I could have said this 6 years ago (and did but I didn’t follow through).

But. I’m his only relationship (as in he’s 56 and I am the only relationship he’s ever had). And he seems determined to normalize this craziness and often states to others how happy we are.

After many false starts at this, and finally emboldened by a tequila shot, I came home from work and I managed to re-start the ‘this just isn’t working; we should split up’ conversation.

His response? I’m too drunk to have this conversation now (he was: alcohol is a huge issue): lets talk tomorrow.

I psych self up to follow through (for once). He now hasn’t come home for 2 days (texts that he’s busy at work and is staying near to work).

This has happened before. Avoiding me for days has resulted in me giving up. But I need people to tell me to follow through. I started this conversation and I actually need to finish it this time.

Help me. I’ve lost my soul, my self, any sense of happiness, and any sense of normal. And I also feel hugely guilty.

Before I emigrated I was never this weak, weird person. I don’t recognize myself.

Please – just give me strength to finish what I started!

And yes: I am being bloody U to ask for strangers to help me find my big girl pants. I can't actually believe I'm posting this.

I'm not sure if I can offer you any bigger ones...

Let us know when you're out and safe please love, you've got this

Can you disentangle yourself from the debts without consequences? Would it be practical (or possible) to do divorce proceedings from the UK? They would be the main things stopping me leaving and if neither are an issue I'm with the others saying just hop on a plane and go!

Don't wobble ,- you are doing the right thing in leaving (for him and yoi). The short term might be tough but you are going to have some fun and real living long term.

Waving more big girl pants at you in case you lose yours.

Have you seen a divorce lawyer yet OP (I can’t see this but maybe I’ve missed it). If you havent, please do so that you are not taken advantage of in the divorce. Knowledge is power.
Bravery leads to more bravery. You can do this.

Not just big girl pants coming your way, but a pair of my special anti-chafing ones!

Now, practicalities.

If you're coming home to UK, will you be able to access money ok? If not, bring plenty with you. As you've been living abroad for quite some years, you may not be entitled to any benefits for at least 3 months.

Do you have friends/family you'll be able to stay with?

And I'm only 40 minutes from Gatwick if you need picking up from the airport!

Good luck OP, this is a brave thing you're doing and your life will be all the better for it.

Where do you want to be? UK or USA? This flat or another one of your own?

It sounds like you have the advantage of making your own decisions, but that can be hugely overwhelming.

Start small. Think about You. Not him. Where do you want to be in a week? A month? A year? Five years? And aim for them. Fight for them.

I think you need legal advice. I wouldn't do anything drastic, just start the ball rolling. Then start thinking about what you want to live. But get that legal advice first.

Hello OP. That sounds like such a sad and lonely life you're currently living.

Have a think. Where do you want to live? Want to live? Do you want to stay in LA? Back to the UK? Somewhere else in the US? Go with your gut on that.

Then start making plans t make that happen. If you need to, book a flight to give yourself a deadline.

With his ostrich impression, he's made it very very clear how the next 30 years of your life will be if you stay. Use that as your spur.

OP, you've got this! Get some legal advice before you leave, straighten things up with your employer. Check what the practicalities would be if you came back to UK (finance, job opportunities, where would you stay etc).
Then just do it. Why on earth wouldn't you?
I hope that deep, deep inside there is a glimmer of excitement brewing at the thought of what your life could be in 12 months.

What's the legal situation with regard to the rent? Will you still be liable for the rent if you move out and he doesn't turn up again?
I suggest you pack some stuff and go to a hotel or somewhere for a few days during which you go to see a lawyer about a divorce and contact the rental company.
Also what about work? Do you enjoy your work?
Would you want to come back to the UK or do you want to stay in the US?
I am sure you could build up a nice life for yourself in either country.
Leaving this man sounds like the right thing to do - you can't live like that any longer.

As a practical note, you say he has protected his business interests from you and you want nothing from the marriage. In return you need to secure confirmation that his debts are his alone to sort. This bit needs to be made legal so pop a visit to a lawyer on the list so you can truely be free.

Do you have enough funds to tide you over for a bit? Would your family in the UK help you? If so, book a flight home for tomorrow. Then send your husband a text just saying :"I'm leaving tomorrow and flying back to the UK, if you want to talk before then then you better come home, because after tonight I'm never coming back. I can't stay in this love-less marriage anymore where we don't even talk or see each other. I deserve happiness. My divorce lawyer will be in touch".

oK, having read the thread and found your courage you are going to leave.

1. Your job: is there an opportunity to transfer to UK with that? If not give notice today.
2. Book your flight for a month's time
3. pack up what you want to keep and send it ahead via a courier
4. start looking for accommodation here, make contact with an agent. 5)If necessary start looking for jobs here. 6)See a lawyer to get the divorce going. It wo't be as painful as you expect if you are prepared to walk with nothing and make a clean break. Go You!!

Here’s what I’d do, just to help maybe prevent headaches further down the line:

1. Make appointment for legal advice
2. Make copies of all legal documents, rental agreeements, wedding certificate, bank statements, bills etc etc.
3. In meantime, start packing all your things that he wouldn’t notice were gone
4. Take your things to a storage facility
5. Get legal advice & follow through (this may need you to still be ‘at home’ - I don’t know)
6. Leave with last bags
7. Be free!!!!
8. Retrieve other stuff from storage facility when you’re able

I would do it this way as you want the last time you walk out that door to be the last time, you don’t want to be in a position where you have to go back for anything you’ve forgotten or need for legal proceedings.
and big girl pants for you OP!

Speak to a lawyer and get filing for divorce. The rest you can work out later.
Are you tied to LA for work or could you move somewhere cheaper and get a new job?
You’re ready you just need to make a move.

If he’s out get access to any and all financial docs and see a lawyer today/tomorrow (sorry I’m shit on time differences!) and check out the legal standpoint on debts and divorce. After 7 years of cohabiting but no sex surely there must be grounds for a divorce?!

Do you love your job?

Do you have good friends over there or over here? If no to here and yes to there I’d stay with the job and sort it all out over there before you come back - if you want to come back of course! Leaving him doesn’t mean leaving your life over there if you don’t want to

I can only echo other posters.

Aus84
"Where do you want to be? Do you have friends in LA? Do you love your job? Work out what you WANT first, write it all down, and then start taking steps to get it. Even if you chose wrong initially, nothing has to be permanent. The main thing is to get out of the relationship and find yourself again"

And

Loopytiles

"You’ve spent way too long in a bad situation. Great that you’ve decided to change it.

Get legal advice asap - eg mitigating your liability for his business debts - and investigate housing and then act. Don’t do yourself down financially - the lawyer will advise on that. May be best to remain living stateside whilst sorting the separation and legal / financials and to give you time to consider where you want to live and work longer term. As RL friends to talk to are an issue, how about a good therapist? Imagine there are loads in LA!"

You do not owe him anything. I do not know why you feel guilty or responsible.

You sound like a strong lady to me. I think you are stronger than you realise. The help of strangers can be empowering and sometimes just what we need.

Keep going, you’ve got this. Thinking of you in LA.

Don't just get on a plane!? See a divorce lawyer. Get all finances extricated (doesn't sound like a very big job). Consider where you want to be. Doesn't sound like anywhere is home to you or a refuge.
Do you have any burning ambitions or desires? Depending on your financial situation. A change in career or travel to an exotic place may clear your head.
Get yourself clear and free of this guy. He's not the one for you and you are not responsible for his happiness. In fact you both appear to make each other miserable.
Good luck.

I second what @amicissimma said - go in style, cruise home! That also gives you time to sort out lawyers, finances and everything else if the next sailing isn't for a couple of weeks, but make sure you do it from somewhere that isn't the marital home! Hold your nerve love, you've got this and we've got you!

And it looks like @Sequencedress has enough big girl pants for all of us 😁

I love the idea of cruising to freedom!

I think the practicalities have been covered very well here. On the emotional side, you'll probably have a wobble every now and then. If you need to, tuck your feelings away some place for now - you can come back and "feel" them when you've taken the practical steps to get away. And start dreaming about your new life - find a symbol that means something to you, and hold on to that when you start doubting.

Work out what it is YOU want from your life. It will likely be very difficult ult as you’ve prob not thought about it before.

Where do you want to live
Can you get work in that place
Houses
Family / friends etc

Good luck OP, exciting times ahead for you

Not sure if you actually want to come back to the uk? Or if people are just assuming.

But sit down and try to think about what would make YOU happy. And where that would be. Can you visualise a happy life? Are you working? Do you enjoy your work? Do you have friends?

Would you easily get work in UK? Would you be able to buy or rent a property? Have you enough family and friends support here?

And you don’t have to make any big decisions about WHERE you want to be yet. You can just see a lawyer and find out where you stand. Decide it’s over. Actually you already have made that decision.

Start getting your things in order. If you decide to stay in LA maybe look for an apartment.

You can do it. It just seems like a huge mess of a decision as you are trying to figure out too much too quick and you feel guilty. But it takes two to make a relationship work and it sounds like he has no idea how.