AIBU to need the strength of strangers? (lost my big girl pants)

[TitoTipples]

AIBU to need the strength of strangers?

(yes, I know I am: but I need help to stay strong!)

Long time lurker etc etc. Picked a stupid user name (I sound like a lush!).

I live overseas (to be with my husband: we’d only dated long distance prior). No-one I can talk to here.

In a nutshell: married 8 years: no intimacy for 7: spare room for 3 (mostly my choice: but some practicality issues involved).

Faults on both sides: but honestly: nothing left to work on, never see each other (work patterns mean that I actually mean this literally), holiday apart, he initiates conversation via random passive-aggressive post-it notes / text messages.

I’ve given up: he’s given up. To be honest: I could have said this 6 years ago (and did but I didn’t follow through).

But. I’m his only relationship (as in he’s 56 and I am the only relationship he’s ever had). And he seems determined to normalize this craziness and often states to others how happy we are.

After many false starts at this, and finally emboldened by a tequila shot, I came home from work and I managed to re-start the ‘this just isn’t working; we should split up’ conversation.

His response? I’m too drunk to have this conversation now (he was: alcohol is a huge issue): lets talk tomorrow.

I psych self up to follow through (for once). He now hasn’t come home for 2 days (texts that he’s busy at work and is staying near to work).

This has happened before. Avoiding me for days has resulted in me giving up. But I need people to tell me to follow through. I started this conversation and I actually need to finish it this time.

Help me. I’ve lost my soul, my self, any sense of happiness, and any sense of normal. And I also feel hugely guilty.

Before I emigrated I was never this weak, weird person. I don’t recognize myself.

Please – just give me strength to finish what I started!

And yes: I am being bloody U to ask for strangers to help me find my big girl pants. I can't actually believe I'm posting this.

You, bag, airport.........go!

If you can get your affairs in order and go, do it. Closure isn't always a big scene or conversation, you can just go. If he leaves you crappy notes you could do that or send him a letter that will go to his work once you've safely gone. Use the time apart to pack and arrange things

Good luck!

If you are nervous you should leave before he gets back. Let him worry about the rental.

Sounds like cut and run to me. Some ppl on here are very resourceful iyswim
Get thee home.
Email the rental.
It can be sorted xx

My god....all the people telling you to go back to the U.K. What is that all about?

I stayed here in the U.S. when I walked out on my useless husband in the 1970's and have NEVER regretted it.

If you have the money get your own place ASAP or move into a motel until you find a place. See a lawyer. Find out where you stand as far as his business/debts goes.

My lawyer was so helpful when I was planning my escape. She let me understand my rights.

Talk me through WHY you have to talk this through with him?

Just leave

Don't tell him, don't ask him, don't talk to him

Leave him and never ever go back to him

I’ve left with a baby, a buggy and a suitcase. It was hard leaving the place I had lovingly decorated and all my Ikea furniture, but my mental well-being and dc’s home environment was more important.

Don’t worry what anyone will say.

Unmumsnetty hug.

More big girl pants here!
You can do it, and in a month's time you'll be so glad you started today. Your only regret will be that you didn't do it sooner.

I would suggest seeking legal advice to understand how you can begin divorce proceedings. He can't hide from this forever. Good lucks!

You can have my super sexy maternity big girl pants.

Where do you want to go? Do you want to stay in LA/America or would you prefer to move back to the UK?

You do need to leave and you don’t need to have the conversation with him. He’s hiding which is fine, it gives you time to sort your belongings.

If you never see him and only communicate via post it note, will he even notice you’ve gone? Please escape, whether to an apartment in the next block, the UK, or Kathmandu. Doesn’t matter. If you’re liable for the debts in Cali, you’re liable for them anywhere, what’s the difference? Do you have a job and a friendship group in LA? Will you have support and an income if you come back to the UK?

Good luck with whatever you decide. The decision to go is the best one you can make.

You’ve spent way too long in a bad situation. Great that you’ve decided to change it.

Get legal advice asap - eg mitigating your liability for his business debts - and investigate housing and then act. Don’t do yourself down financially - the lawyer will advise on that. May be best to remain living stateside whilst sorting the separation and legal / financials and to give you time to consider where you want to live and work longer term. As RL friends to talk to are an issue, how about a good therapist? Imagine there are loads in LA!

Don’t lock him out as the property is both of yours, likely to lead to legal problems.

You don’t need to “have it out” with him, you’ve told him and can just make plans for yourself then act on them.

Oh and whoever said you’d made your bed and should lie in it was talking bollocks! Pay no regard to that person!

He likes to text so you can just text him and tell him it's over. He doesn't deserve the courtesy of a conversation. If he wanted one he'd be home talking to you. Hopefully you can sort out the financial side without a lot of difficulty.

have you got anything to run back here to?
If you have a job and a life over there it might be easier to stay there and start over than coming back here to start over.
Separate and go find happiness life is far to short to live unhappily when you can make the change.
He wont have the conversation with you email him then and move on.

He's staying away so that he can tell other people you were such a bitch that you didn't tell him you were leaving/ dumped him by text.

I second Charolais - why not find out if you want to stay in the USA first.

He is NOT going to give you permission to leave. You have to do that for yourself. However, in fact he is making it easy for you.

Are you working? Can you just get to a motel and then rent an apartment?

Make a folder of papers - id, proof of pay and address, your life for 7 years, photos.
Add any jewellery
Pack a big bag of clothes - you're too thrown to know what you need yet. The best shoes and boots you can find.
Don't forget chargers.
Toiletries.
Leave. Text him after you're gone.

More big girl panties.

What do you want apart from out. Do you want to stay in the states or move back to uk? When does your lease come to and end? Did you get married in California? Locate financial papers.

Make a plan based on your decisions and the legal advice given.

Go, just go. You've got another pair of hugely large big girl pants coming your way from here. Be brave, don't waste the rest of your life with this man. If you're happy in the US then stay somewhere else, but it sounds like the UK is a better bet. Take anything you have of yours that's of any value, plus relevant paperwork. I wish you lots of luck.

OP - you can do this (and if you need them you can borrow my big girl pants - they're friggin huge ;)).

Before booking a flight, is there anywhere you can go in LA / USA for a couple of days to give yourself some breathing room (without the constant thought that he might turn up)? Even if it is a hotel?

Then think about what makes you happy (you deserve to be); you don't need permission from him. You've given him the courtesy of trying to talk and he walked away - he's responsible for that, not you.

Sending you a massive virtual hug xxxx

Flapping my union jacked, adorned with the Queen's face, massive knickers here too! Plus sending you cups of tea, tunnocks tea cakes, proper chocolate, and a massive hug. You don't have to come back to the UK if you don't want to, just get out of this situation. Get some legal advice pronto, like right now, put MN down and go phone a lawyer, if you can, and get the hell out of there. You don't owe him anything, he's trying to wait you out to keep you where he wants you. Wherever you decide to be, the vipers have got your back another cuppa for you.

Do you have savings that could get you through a couple of months of b&b's and bedsits till you get sorted with a job and a flat over here?

Do you want to come back to the UK or would you rather stay in la?

Another one here rooting for you!

Think about what you want - could you rent your own apartment while you think about what you want?

Oh and all my pants are mahoosive tummy warmers you can take your pick

Thank you for everyone's comments.

I think I've overly focused for a long time on HOW to do this rather than just doing it.

It's been years of feeling guilty that this didn't work out and blaming myself. Something in my head has now finally clicked that this is a rather an insanely stupid way of thinking about it all and that this just needs to end.

Big girl pants have been found. Just hoping they'll stay on for a while now.

Tough journey ahead - but at least it will be an honest one.

The power of a cheeky tequila is strong. The power of a group of women you've never met having your back is stronger.

Thank you.