AIBU to need the strength of strangers? (lost my big girl pants)

[TitoTipples]

AIBU to need the strength of strangers?

(yes, I know I am: but I need help to stay strong!)

Long time lurker etc etc. Picked a stupid user name (I sound like a lush!).

I live overseas (to be with my husband: we’d only dated long distance prior). No-one I can talk to here.

In a nutshell: married 8 years: no intimacy for 7: spare room for 3 (mostly my choice: but some practicality issues involved).

Faults on both sides: but honestly: nothing left to work on, never see each other (work patterns mean that I actually mean this literally), holiday apart, he initiates conversation via random passive-aggressive post-it notes / text messages.

I’ve given up: he’s given up. To be honest: I could have said this 6 years ago (and did but I didn’t follow through).

But. I’m his only relationship (as in he’s 56 and I am the only relationship he’s ever had). And he seems determined to normalize this craziness and often states to others how happy we are.

After many false starts at this, and finally emboldened by a tequila shot, I came home from work and I managed to re-start the ‘this just isn’t working; we should split up’ conversation.

His response? I’m too drunk to have this conversation now (he was: alcohol is a huge issue): lets talk tomorrow.

I psych self up to follow through (for once). He now hasn’t come home for 2 days (texts that he’s busy at work and is staying near to work).

This has happened before. Avoiding me for days has resulted in me giving up. But I need people to tell me to follow through. I started this conversation and I actually need to finish it this time.

Help me. I’ve lost my soul, my self, any sense of happiness, and any sense of normal. And I also feel hugely guilty.

Before I emigrated I was never this weak, weird person. I don’t recognize myself.

Please – just give me strength to finish what I started!

And yes: I am being bloody U to ask for strangers to help me find my big girl pants. I can't actually believe I'm posting this.

Do you have children together?

Where would you like to live - there or here?

Do you have family or friends you can go to?

What hollow said... Do you have kids?

Massive hand hold. You know what you need to do and the conversation needs to happen sooner rather than later. You both have the right to happiness

Do you own property out there?

1. Here's a hug 🤗
2. You are brave, you have taken the first steps
3. If you have family back home, pack up, buy a plane ticket and just leave

You can do this x

Unless you have kids and have to stay, pack up your stuff, and be ready to leave. Tell him you're packed and unless he comes home you're catching the next flight out of there. If he does come home, tell him you're leaving. If he doesn't, leave anyway.

TBH there doesn't seem to be any point of a conversation. He knows what you're going to say, and he's deliberately hiding away so that he doesn't hear it. Utterly, utterly pointless.

That's a long time to hold your breath.

What country, any children?

More info needed.
Do you have kids?
Where would you like to live?
Are you financially independent?
Can you just pack up tomorrow and leave?

Oh my.

honestly, laughing with tears here - many cathartic tears: I was so expecting to be ignored or flamed.

I really didn't expect to be this overwhelmed by people hearing what I had to say for once - thank you.

in response:

• no children
• in the US (immigration not affected by any decision)
• would struggle financially but honestly - I don't care at all.

Please just get your passport & get on a plane. Do it, you give literally no reason to stay & the life you describe is no life at all. Come home. Do you have anywhere you can go?

Pmed (it's a strange one in case you're wondering)

You can borrow my big girl pants. Here you go!
Sending you some strength to do this - you can.

I am aware that I sound utterly ridiculous here. But I'm crying with relief that anyone is listening to me.

I'm finding words at last. I just need more words to finish this.

Mumsnet is my link home: thank you.

Just leave, you can notify him of your intention to divorce with a legal letter. You only live once and life is short. Don’t waste any more of it

Think about the rest of your life Tito and how you want to live it. That life can start now if you get those big girl pants on. Go and finish what you’ve started. You’ll be so much happier when you’re living your own life, for you. (((hugs)))

You only live once.
So yes, emboldened by your tequila you must go through with this.
Good luck, you can do it.

I think you’re finally seeing that you do have the power to break the cycle. He’s been running the show for a while now, but you’re seeing the light.

You don’t need to ‘have the conversation’, ever, at all.
There’s actually very little to salvage.

You’re actually better off than many people- you’re used to the single life already, it’ll be a small step to cut the hypocrisy and nonsense and be free.

Look after yourself financially, and look forward to your freedom. You’ll never feel this lonely again. Being on your own is far less lonely than this.

He’s a big boy, he’ll be fine too. His denial will see him through for a while, I

Good luck to you. The future looks bright.

So he is hiding. That's mature. Not.
Twat.
Pack up your things, grab your passport, get a ticket and come home. He knows what is coming so don't wait for the inevitable angsty conversation with an ostrich. If he chooses to stay away for the time it takes to get organised, so be it.

I’d have a tequila with you (if I wasn’t pregnant) virtual hand hold here. You’ve done the hard part, you voiced it both to him and to yourself.

Where would you like to live? Do you want to come home? Do you have joint assets or will it be quick and easy to divorce?

Be strong, think how happy you’ll be this time next year!

Just leave. There is nothing there for you. Just get your stuff and go.

Leave him Tito Tipples, you can do better. All you have is a house share, not a relationship. Of course you will feel sorry for him but it's his fault for not getting his act together, you gave him the chance.

Leave and have a new start.
Your new life starts .......... now!

It must seem like a Herculean task right now but gather your things together and fly home. His behaviour is ridiculous and he is not worthy of your concern, you should make yourself your number one priority.

I look forward to hearing you have made it home to begin to enjoy the rest of your life.

I've spent so many years thinking this is my fault and that fault = bad person. That I made my bed and should lie in it (actually this is a literal phrase someone used once when I once explained!)...

i'm better than this:but have spent so many years over thinking it all.

I live in LA. Nothing is real here - so very few people have any sense of reality. Semi-famous family (is this where i say 'fuck off Daily Mail'?) so little privacy and few people I cam confide in.

You live in LA, what nationality are you?

You're a 13 hour flight away from home. What's here? Tell us what you can walk out the door with and what's in the UK and in 24 hours you can have a plan.
You could be sorted very quickly. You just have to type.