to be really surprised that the school assumed these things?

[JessieMcJessie]

I emailed a local school to ask about visiting because we are thinking of sending our son there. My email didn’t state my title and referred to “we” and “our son” but didn’t say explicitly that his other parent was male, or that we were married.

The email came back “Dear Mrs McJessie” and asked me to give my husband’s full name if he was joining me on the visit.

AIBU to be very surprised that they just assumed that I (a) went by “Mrs” (b) was married and (c) was heterosexual? In actual fact they were correct on all three counts, but that’s not the point- I thought that people were a bit more careful to assume nothing in this day and age.

Actually that’s a good point Ubercorns- it’s an independent school with a fairly vague interview-based admissions policy and I do have a niggling feeling that the assumptions made might perhaps reflect their approach to choosing the children who attend the school. Before everyone jumps on I do know that it’s illegal for them to discriminate against (eg) gay parents, but there are still subtle (perhaps even subconscious) ways of discouraging them from applying...

Oh dear one of those parents.

Just sign your letter with the tittle & name u want 2b refereed to. Schools have a duty to deal with both parents so they have to know the fathers name as well.

What a faff about NOTHING!

I work in a school, I'm not allowed to call parents by first names unless they specifically say 'call me...' and written correspondence is always by title or parents/guardians of...

They shouldn't have referred to your husband but in all honesty I can't say I would get wound up about it, I am not married and have a different surname to DD, I have been referred to as Mrs DD's surname many times, I either answer to it or say actually it's Miss My surname (depending if its someone I'll see regularly or not)

always don't you have to ask recipient of your email who is coming though, having names and numbers is basis of everything when moving bodies about in school as I remember, count you in count you out and so on.

redwine I am not happy, i seriously actually literally want red wine and crisps now, and despite my shop tonight I have neither aaaahhh!
Your people in glass houses didn't work at all as a parallel comparison. Hence, to me, it came across as looking around for a stone to throw

But in that case redwineandcrisps the school would be right to ask whether the other person would also be visiting. The PP who was trying to make a point about offending single parents said it would be offensive to mention the existence of another parent if it had not been alluded to in the initial email.

That’s not what I said but explains why you and another poster reacted the way you did. redwine did explain what I meant in a better way. And yes, it would be totally reasonable to then ask if someone else was coming I agree but someone else, hypothetically, might not like that. It’s hard to know exactly what the right thing is to say, everytime. I would be interested to know what would be the perfect standard template to every query about a visit that wouldn’t raise anyone’s eyebrows.

I hate being called Mrs and I'm very happily married.
Just call me by the name I wrote to in. I call all my clients by their first names unless thwy have called themselves a title.

Your people in glass houses That was me that said that not redwine. I appreciate that it didn’t work for you but I still stand by the point I was trying to make as being genuine on my part.

I can't imagine me assuming a husband/wife/gay partner etc. Other parent, if another parent. Also I would be very upset at being called one of my DC Mrs DC surname (as is ex abusive ptrns surname - truly shit)

This thread is weird and definitely not representative of my real world experience. To the posters who encounter lots of people offended by not addressing them by their rightful title of Mrs - honestly where do you live and work that this is your experience?

I work in a formal office environment and, quite rightly, don't know the marital status of almost anyone I correspond with. I take my cue from them and address them either Dear Firstname or Dear Mr/Ms Surname. Never, ever had a negative response/comment/remark.

OP, I would have had an immediately suspicious reaction to a school making those assumptions about parents/family based on the inconclusive evidence of your email to them. It is unfair of the school to put a gay/unmarried parent in the position of needing to contact them to clarify the position or else live for the duration of the pupil's attendance at the school being addressed incorrectly.

The self-righteous tone and smugness of so many previous posters so keen to assert their right to be assumed as Mrs. or to decry "political correctness gone mad" is really depressing.

@AlwaysTimeForWine Do you mean to say that with the 70 billion other things school secretaries have to do you don't enjoy having to take time out for a private tour and to dig your crystal ball out to work out correct forms of address?

They should be more careful (especially when hoping to attract a prospective pupil) but mistakes happen. As you said 'we' then the chances of you being a Mrs were pretty high. By far our biggest group of 'Not Mrs' women are single parents so, once that's been ruled out, the majority are Mrs.

I only go to first names once the parent starts signing off with their first name only. I sign off with my first and last name but 90% of the time I get 'Miss Manic' back regardless. I've found most parents aren't comfortable addressing teachers by their first names until we've made the move first.

I always check the database for how to address parents the first few times I email. Sometimes it ends up taking longer to address the email than to send it - eg:
'Dear Ms Montgomery, Mr Drake and Mr and Mrs Whitely-Jones,
Yes, pick up is at 5pm today.
Best Wishes,
Manicinsomniac' !

To all those wittering on about how I did not give my title in the email:

1. I did not give a title because I am 100% happy to be addressed as “Dear Jessie” so I had already given all the information needed to reply.

1. You all, really, hand on heart, sign emails as”Mrs Jane Smith”? That’s crazy.

"Oooh I've got a good idea for a mumsnet thread, this will get some reactions!"

Yeah, bored ones.

OMG 😞 I can’t even cope with where this generation is heading...and I’m a VERY liberal minded 24 year old!

OP- please find something productive to fill your time - perhaps finding a more suitable ‘ultra progressive’ hipster area to move to.

Although be warned you may have to wait several weeks for an email back from their local school - the receptionist is species fluid and identifies as a tree Monday- Wednesday 🤔 so those emails really pile up.

manicinsomniac I’m actually very surprised that you don’t have more married parents who don’t use “Mrs”. Amongst my married friends only about 25% have taken their husbands’ names. I only did it because Mr McJessie has a really cool foreign name .

Dear visitor/s

It’s a pretty safe assumption to make though. Every child but one in my sons class has a married mummy and Daddy barring one who has a married step mummy and daddy. Not sure about their titles (asides from family which is chief and chief mrs). Most though have a shared last name. Haven’t come across any where one parent has a different surname yet. Does it really matter that much if they make an assumption and get it wrong?

I don't think that is a typical class though. We have 21 classes in our school, I can't imagine that any of them have 29 children who have (heterosexual) parents that are married to each other. There will be a mix of married couples, unmarried couples, separated parents jointly raising the child, single parents etc.
Also a significant number of the mums are married but have kept their own names and use Ms. We also have a few children who have two parents of the same sex.

Agree with OP.

My DDs school constantly refer to me as 'Mrs exP surname'. Just lazy as they have my name on file and I sign the homework book etc on a weekly basis with a different name.

Oh gawd...mumsnet...guess it's one of those nights. 🤣

What is WITH these non threads, picking holes in everyday situations that nobody gets there arse in a tangle over

The OP is talking about a private school where diversity probably isn’t as wide as in your school though, Allpizzas. (Although am too making an assumption!)
Something to think about when coming up with pros and cons of the school, maybe.

Thanks dubmum. I think that the rule of Mumsnet is basically that whatever a poster’s slant may be, those of the opposite persuasion will clamour to shout her down. I have posted before with more conservative views on other subjects and been roundly condemned by what seemed at the time to be a very liberal majority.

My chemist has issued me repeat prescriptions labelled 'Mrs X' since I was 14, they still do now I'm 40. Clearly I wasn't Mrs X at 14, nor am I at 40. I have never felt the need to throw an offended strop regarding it.

As a same-sex parent who doesn’t use Mrs, I am so grateful for people like you, OP, who challenge these assumptions. It may be “political correctness gone mad” for some, but for me, it’s my life, and these kind of assumptions are micro aggressions that piss me off!

The chances are only 'high' in certain schools. With the diversity in many schools including public schools, but anyway in 2018 its not OK to just assume.

There are so many blended families and I have no idea how to keep abreast of all the changes but its certainly not just to stick with Mr and Mrs!
As for those decrying OP as a bore and yawning, go and do something more interesting them as I really don't understand why you shout that yet stay? Another glass houses opportunity