to be really surprised that the school assumed these things?

[JessieMcJessie]

I emailed a local school to ask about visiting because we are thinking of sending our son there. My email didn’t state my title and referred to “we” and “our son” but didn’t say explicitly that his other parent was male, or that we were married.

The email came back “Dear Mrs McJessie” and asked me to give my husband’s full name if he was joining me on the visit.

AIBU to be very surprised that they just assumed that I (a) went by “Mrs” (b) was married and (c) was heterosexual? In actual fact they were correct on all three counts, but that’s not the point- I thought that people were a bit more careful to assume nothing in this day and age.

Yeah, they're like fecking dinosaurs and frankly it makes me worried about what kind of environment my child is being educated in!

Surely there is nothing wrong with using first names, or phrasing something tactfully. They could just have asked if anyone else would be coming, and if so to give them their name in advance!

As a single mother I like to pull them up on their assumptions about my heterosexual marriage and watch them squirm. It's good for them. However, I also know that when I have been feeling more fragile, those same assumptions have upset me and made me cry in private, so I know how damaging they can be.

They can also always use Ms if they do insist on being formal. It's basically what it's been invented for -- to formally address a woman without referring to her marital status.

FFS give it a rest. Please please homeschool your child because you’re gonna be ‘surprised’ a lot. This type of ridiculous bullshit is taking up too much time in the world.

Thinking more about it OP I think YANBU to think it's wrong to refer to "your husband".

I can't get too heated about the "Mrs" reference though. I was rarely referred to as Mrs because I always signed off an email/letter as "Miss" to avoid that happening. An occasional 'Mrs' slipped through the net but, as a single parent, I had bigger things to worry about.

I'm with you on that one blueberry, oops sorry Mrs Porridge

I am fed up up with complete strangers on unfortunately necessary phone calls feeling that they are somehow my best and refer to me as shrieking rather than Mrs banshee. Over presumptive and it means I can't get all my letters in after my name when written

I’m a single parent and I would still write “we are thinking of sending our son to this school” because “we” would be. I’m still a single parent though!

Genuinely, if you get this worked up about every little thing then life is going to be exhausting for you. I’m often called Mrs, my best friend was assumed to be my lesbian partner once, my ex and I are often thought to be together still as we parent as a united front...., I just shrug, correct people if appropriate and move on!

This is the most conservative thread I’ve seen on MN for ages! The point is that a gay/unmarried/single/divorced woman shouldn’t have to contact the school to point out they aren’t married/ don’t have a husband because the school should be demonstrating some awareness that not all children are from heterosexual, married couple homes.

Aaaargh!

GreenTulips I am pretty sure that school staff only refer to each other as “Miss X”, Mr Y” etc in front of the children and parents, not amongst themselves.

*besty not best (warring with phone)

It won't be long and the normative marrieds will be in the minority, so...

Dear People of unknown number...

You are not bonkers! Mumsnet is bonkers. Of course this is wrong, this stuff should never be assumed. It makes those who are outside the assumed 'normal' as 'abnormal' or other - and this shit will never change unless we notice it and call it out.

Maybe the person replying to the emails is really busy and wrote the reply super fast, just to get through the 100 other emails from people enquiring about a visit?
They assumed the norm because they barely have time to think let alone decipher your email? Maybe they work in an environment where the norm is a 'mum' and a 'dad'? And also it's usual to call people Mr/Mrs/Miss as that's how the staff are addressed by the pupils?

I am an administrator at a primary school. I am the only one. I deal with approx 200 emails a day, as well as every other job you can think of, and administer first aid to the children. Sometimes I don't even have time to go for a wee, and often don't take a lunch break.

I get pissed off when people email me about arranging a visit when the Open Days are clearly advertised on the website, and Yes - we would prefer you to come to one of those rather than disrupt the teaching day by wanting a private tour.

So maybe instead of worrying about the lack of PC of an email reply, you make your emails more clear in the first place so they don't have to second guess you?!?

I’m genuinely not making things up just to have a go, Shrieking.

I’ve made two points: one in response to the OP being worried that her DS might not get taught about different family/home life set ups (this particular support staff will never teacher her son) so the OP doesn’t have to be concerned about that.
The second point in response to the OP writing a different response to the one she got and I was just giving my opinion that that response could have offended someone else.

At no point have I had a go at the OP, and in fact, I agree with her, in that greetings do matter and as a teacher, myself, always use the preferred salutation that is written on our database for any correspondence. But that is easy for me as that has already been clarified in order to be entered in the first place. I am also aware that I could make a mistake, if it wasn’t already entered, as it can be hard to please everybody.

But in that case redwineandcrisps the school would be right to ask whether the other person would also be visiting. The PP who was trying to make a point about offending single parents said it would be offensive to mention the existence of another parent if it had not been alluded to in the initial email.

@alwaystimeforwine - I suggest you get your union involved over your unsustainable workload. Also, you could use the template I wrote earlier if it is really THAT HARD for you to write a tactful email.

I am with you, OP. I am married, but certainly not Mrs. And why "husband" in this day and age?

Alwaystimeforwine the school is an independent one that said on its website “Email us to arrange a visit before applying”.

The point is that a gay/unmarried/single/divorced woman shouldn’t have to contact the school to point out they aren’t married/ don’t have a husband because the school should be demonstrating some awareness that not all children are from heterosexual, married couple homes.

'Dear School,

My partner and I would like to visit the school blah blah blah'

Signed Miss X

'Dear Miss X,

We would be happy for you to visit. Please let us know the name of your partner so we can add them to the list of visitors.

Signed The School

There. That wasn't so hard was it, and the school admin can leave their crystal ball at home.

OP I'm completely with you. Whoever responded to your email has made a series of assumptions that could have been incorrect and caused offence.

As for the majority of other posters - please rtfp and stop laying your own assumptions on OP. She didn't say she was offended she was genuinely asking whether this is acceptable in today's society (head's up - it isn't) and whether this person's attitude might be reflected in the school's overall attitude, which would (and should) be of concern. Snowflake? Fuck off.

Now flame me if you like, seems like folks have got a taste for it tonight.

Quite Pingu. All it takes is for the school to have an assumption-free standard response template and job done.

This is the most conservative thread I’ve seen on MN for ages! The point is that a gay/unmarried/single/divorced woman shouldn’t have to contact the school to point out they aren’t married/ don’t have a husband because the school should be demonstrating some awareness that not all children are from heterosexual, married couple homes.

Well said. I have to say that I am surprised that so many MNetters have managed to time travel back to the 1950s.

Schools are the last bastion of formality. At most schools, all teachers are Mr or Mrs X and all parents are Mr or Mrs Y. It is completely different from the corporate world. That said, thinking about it, my doctor would call me Mrs Osipova and he would be Dr Smith.

What’s probably happened in your case is that the person responding to your email has given very little thought to it; they’ve just assumed that you correspond to the norms for parents at that school, which presumably is that you are heterosexual and married. They’ve dashed off what for them is a perfectly standard reply. You’re giving a lot of thought to something to which the author of the email has probably given very little thought. I think that’s honestly all you can read into it (other than, perhaps, that you can now infer the marital status and sexual preference of the majority of parents there).

Splitting of hairs over something inconsequential. Why does it matter? Whether I was happily married with 2.4 dcs or whether I had 5 DC by 5 different fathers I wouldn't care about any of this. This is crazy.

For the record, I'm a single parent to 2 DC and get countless assumptions made about me/ my name/ the DCs surname and our situation all the time . I don't care as I know it's just them and an admin error on their part. Relax!

@UbercornsGoggles it's only inappropriate in today's society because we're making it inappropriate!!
Writing the email and including info such as "my husband/partner/lesbian trans lover" would like to visit, sincerely "mrs/mr/dr" would inform the school who they are responding too and how they should be addressed. It's polite and quite plainly common sense which society seems to be lacking these days.
Writing an email that includes no such information (in this society that has heterosexual/homosexual relationships and marriages) is just blatantly asking for unnecessary arguments

@JessieMcJessie what would you like that standard response to be?