to be really surprised that the school assumed these things?

[JessieMcJessie]

I emailed a local school to ask about visiting because we are thinking of sending our son there. My email didn’t state my title and referred to “we” and “our son” but didn’t say explicitly that his other parent was male, or that we were married.

The email came back “Dear Mrs McJessie” and asked me to give my husband’s full name if he was joining me on the visit.

AIBU to be very surprised that they just assumed that I (a) went by “Mrs” (b) was married and (c) was heterosexual? In actual fact they were correct on all three counts, but that’s not the point- I thought that people were a bit more careful to assume nothing in this day and age.

Rolyrocks it’s a private school in a very arty area of a large city. I am pretty sure that there is a LOT of pink pound in the area, and a lot of professional women who have kept their own names and/or go by Ms.

Jessie - we do have some. Just not a huge number. Without doing any analysis I'd say the school population breaks down roughly into:
75% married couples with the same surname
12% single or remarried/partnered parents
8% married couples with different surnames
4.5% unmarried couples
0.5% same sex couples

We're quite a traditional, rural private pre prep and prep school.

Fair enough, OP!

And Jessie [if I may call you that now I feel we know each other a little better] yes, exactly, I would be a bit concerned that this approach is very reflective of the school and therefore not what you'd looking for necessarily

Hi Silverontoast. As I said, my dearest friend and her wife are same-sex parents so I was coming at it with that in mind. I bet you are a bit depressed to read a lot of the responses though aren’t you? I honestly thought until tonight that MN was a much more liberal place.

Essentially yes, you have a point and Brokendoll's response is ideal.

However YABU to extrapolate from your workplace to school. At school parents are addressed by title and surname just as teachers are. It just happens, it's part of the culture, you were just being treated as a parent. It's like being called "mum" by medical staff at your child's dr appt. It may not be ideal but it's a practical shortcut. If it turns out you're in fact not mum but the child's aunt or dad, then just say so.

I completely agree with you Jessie. When I married I didn’t change my surname and tried to be known as Lalliella Surname as much as possible with no title as it pisses me off that you have to have a title. I prefer everyone to call me Lalliella. When DC1 started at (Catholic) school it caused no end of confusion so I changed my surname to my husband’s and accepted them calling me Mrs. But it still rankles with my 12 years on.

I’m sure they could have written to you as either Dear Jessie or Dear Ms McJessie and asked if DC’s other parent would be attending and what is their name. It’s not exactly rocket science.

And surely nobody puts a title on an email to a school

You all, really, hand on heart, sign emails as”Mrs Jane Smith”? That’s crazy.

I sign professional emails with my full name or name and title. If I'm emailing a woman, I use Ms, unless she's specified otherwise. I think that's pretty common, though it varies enormously by industry.

I did not give a title because I am 100% happy to be addressed as “Dear Jessie”

Most schools will not email you by your first name, even if you use it first, because professional distance is important with parents.

It's easy enough to paste your email address into google. Most people have enough info on the web to establish correct form of address (and in your case perhaps marital status).

Oh yeah just remembered that once I found an injured cat and phoned the RSPCA and the first question they asked me was “is that Miss or Mrs?” What the fuck has my marital status got to do with saving the life of a cat?!

I bet if your gay friend and her wife had written to the school they would have signed something like ‘kind regards, Jo Bloggs & Ann Other-Person (parents)
You, op, are jumping on a band wagon , nit picking and quite frankly bothering your arse about nothing.
What’s your take on the school forms that say parent 1 and parent 2?
Sheesh

Why do you even need a title on a prescription?

I’m with you on the husband thing. There are so many single parents/unmarried parents/parents whose husbands aren’t their kids fathers and whose kids fathers aren’t their husbands. ‘Partner’ or ‘child’s other parent/carer’ (depending on which they’re specifically asking for) is easy enough for them to say

Not sure about their titles (asides from family which is chief and chief mrs)
I am intrigued by this...

After two years my child's school calls me "Mrs Sticky" even though I am not married, never have been married, do not have a partner. I used to politely correct them but they paid zero attention. Now I've given up. But yes it does annoy me.

Aintnothingbutaheartache Parent 1 and Parent 2 is completely appropriate. What’s your problem with it?

And I doubt very much that my friend and her wife would have felt the need to jointly sign an email- who on Earth does that apart from people’s Mums and Dads writing from “[email protected]”?

Sharing your intrigue Pippi

In other news...have you made a decision about the school OP?

who on Earth does that apart from people’s Mums and Dads writing from “[email protected]”?

Whose mums and dads? I hope this isn't a bit of stealth ageism.

donquixotwdelamancha I find it interesting that you equate professionalism and “professional distance” with the use of a title. As indeed do many other posters, who have said that use of a first name is “over-familiar”. You see, that is not my perspective or experience at all. If anything, I find that I know the dodgy callers/writers are the ones who address me as Mrs McJessie, it’s like a cringey faux-politeness to mask the fact that they are about to try to sell me something. And I would never ever expect to see a letter eg from a solicitor I appointed to do my conveyancing signed off “Mrs Susan Brown”. That would look try-hard and UN-professional to me.

Title-lovers, tell me this-if you applied for a job, would you genuinely expect the correspondence or the interviewer to address you as Miss Smith or Mr Jones rather than Rebecca or Michael?

To me the only thing that would be over-familiar would be to jump straight to “Becky” or “Mike”.

No Seneca it’s because Mums and Dads are likely to write jointly to their children, it’s the only example I can think of where people might jointly sign an email.

So has your gay friend and their partner/wife/husband also had this issue in regards to emailing a school? Or are you just fabricating a hypothetical offended retort based on the school you emailed, and their correct responses in regards to your own actual marital and sexual status?

I find it interesting that you equate professionalism and “professional distance” with the use of a title. As indeed do many other posters, who have said that use of a first name is “over-familiar”. You see, that is not my perspective or experience at all. If anything, I find that I know the dodgy callers/writers are the ones who address me as Mrs McJessie, it’s like a cringey faux-politeness to mask the fact that they are about to try to sell me something.

Righto. Anyway, that's not the convention in education in the UK.

We’re going to visit in a couple of weeks Shrieking. He wouldn’t start till 2020 though, if we decided to apply and he got in, very long application lead-time.

example I can think of where people might jointly sign an email.

Well, I don't know any couples who have a joint email address.

Flyingmonkeys for the billionth time I did not say that I was offended!

And if people went around only caring about and seeking to challenge things that directly affected them society would be a bit of a mess, wouldn’t it?

Happily here in the US, we have the universal Ms.