to be really surprised that the school assumed these things?

[JessieMcJessie]

I emailed a local school to ask about visiting because we are thinking of sending our son there. My email didn’t state my title and referred to “we” and “our son” but didn’t say explicitly that his other parent was male, or that we were married.

The email came back “Dear Mrs McJessie” and asked me to give my husband’s full name if he was joining me on the visit.

AIBU to be very surprised that they just assumed that I (a) went by “Mrs” (b) was married and (c) was heterosexual? In actual fact they were correct on all three counts, but that’s not the point- I thought that people were a bit more careful to assume nothing in this day and age.

It just seems bizarre to me that in this day and age, regardless of heterosexuality being the norm, sexual orientation and marriage are assumed at all. Surely it is much safer and easier to make no assumptions, and simply request the details of your "partner?".

"Partner" encapsulates everybody, married or not, and when you give their details, you can specify that you are married if you really want to, by using your titles or whatever, but setting the default as "straight, married" is going to miss families out.

Agreed. But I would expend that not even assuming a partner. At our school, a lot of new parents will bring their mum. Or the father of the child who is no longer their partner. It is incredibly easy to scare off parents who are disengaged with/terrified by the idea of school already.

*expand

Really not a big deal. I'm constantly referred to as Mrs... when I'm a Miss. Doesn't bother me. And this is from most people - I have a male partner and two kids so easy to assume. I have already told my eldest girl from a young age about different parenting situations - no need to rely on the school for this - I'm more intetested in how well they teach maths.

interested

"Really not a big deal."

I'm wondering if you can see how for some people it might be a big deal?

YANBU schools assume all kinds of things that I think they shouldn’t. I know a little girl adopted by a single woman from a foreign orphanage and the school forced this girl against her will and her protesting aged 8 at the time to write a Father’s Day card! When me and my ex split I didn’t even inform the school as it was completely amicable and none of their business, but they heard it through the grape vine and so without consulting me, started giving me (because they never saw him) double the paperwork on everything! I asked why two of everything? They said for the children’s father, I said how about we look at one set together as we always have done??

I'm wondering if you can see how for some people it might be a big deal?

I can. But I’d question why they were making the assumption that someone assuming that they are x (because the majority of others are x) when they are in fact y automatically means that they assume that the first person thinks y is bad or wrong. As I’ve said upthread, you can probably infer from the Mrs/husband thing that the majority of parents are heterosexual and married. You certainly can’t infer that they’ll look askance if you’re gay or single, or that they in any way disapprove of your choices.

"You certainly can’t infer that they’ll look askance if you’re gay or single, or that they in any way disapprove of your choices."
You shouldn't infer that. But many people will. Particularly people who have already been disapproved of because of the situation they find themselves in. So why not make sure that any communication from the school does not alienate them further. It's not as if it's difficult or takes anything away from anyone else.....

I am pretty sure that school staff only refer to each other as “Miss X”, Mr Y” etc in front of the children and parents, not amongst themselves. You'd be completely wrong there.

Some people's eyes roll back in their head at enquires after their 'partner'. Is there room for such a dinosaur in this equation?

It's not about middle class trendy lefties like me saying "how very dare you assume that I'm a married straight woman".
It's about a woman who had a horrible experience of school herself struggling to bring up children alone who sees the letter as yet another reason to think school will judge her. Or who wants to bring her mum but sees the letter as saying only male partners/fathers are allowed. A lot of people find any sort of "authority" for want of a better word really terrifying. Anything which alienates them even further is bad for them and their children, and perpetuates the divide.

I had a similar experience when visiting a school the other day. The deputy head called me Mrs. Dionysus without asking. Worse though, at nursery last year, my daughter made a father's Day card, and was told to 'give it to her daddy.' she does not know her father. This is why it is wrong to make assumptions about familial relationships. Adults can brush them off, but it's not so easy for a three year old to rationalise.

Anything which alienates them even further is bad for them and their children, and perpetuates the divide.

And how has de-normalising the nuclear family worked out for children in general?

It's an independent school. That's how they address people on their correspondence unless otherwise informed. Your DC doesn't go there yet so you haven't filled in any contact forms.

The deputy head called me Mrs. Dionysus without asking. Worse though, at nursery last year, my daughter made a father's Day card, and was told to 'give it to her daddy.' she does not know her father

You see - back to my point upthread - I think there are two separate points here. Calling you Mrs? That’s adult to adult; if it upset you, you could have set her straight. The teacher doesn’t actually care what your name is; she wants to address you formally to reinforce that you should call her Miss Jones or whatever.

The fathers’ day card? That’s where it does matter that teachers are sensitive to different family setups and relationships. I can well see how that could be upsetting for children in a number of different situations. And they should be the concern of teachers who are responsible for children’s learning and welfare.

Maybe they didn't assume at all. Maybe they knew the OP used Mrs. and had a husband when they wrote the letter.

I'm shocked by the responses on this thread. It's absolutely not OK for a school to assume that all parents are heterosexual married couples who are the biological parents of their children. Maybe the parents can deal with those sorts of assumptions being made about their families, but it's totally unfair to expect a four year old to have to either stay quiet or correct their teachers assumption.

Maybe the parents can deal with those sorts of assumptions being made about their families, but it's totally unfair to expect a four year old to have to either stay quiet or correct their teachers assumption.

That's not what this thread is about. It's about an email to a parent.

but it's totally unfair to expect a four year old to have to either stay quiet or correct their teachers assumption. Absolutely. A good school would never do this.

It's not as if it's difficult or takes anything away from anyone else.....

I’m not sure I totally agree with this. I have read the full thread; on the basis of which, the only fully inclusive response would seem to be something like this:

Dear Natalia Osipova

Thank you for your email. We operate a policy of addressing teachers and parents formally at this school; please could you let us know your preferred title/salutation as it was unclear from your original email.

Would a visit on x date be convenient? If you wish to bring someone with you (although there is no need to do so), please let us know his/her name, preferred title and relationship to the child.

Yours sincerely

I’d argue that sounds stuffy and over complicated. And rather unfriendly and very unlikely to put anyone at ease who is nervous about a school environment....

Some people's eyes roll back in their head at enquires after their 'partner'. Is there room for such a dinosaur in this equation?

My grandfather being one of them - "I don't have a partner, I have a wife." Sure, but not everyone does, and "wife" is included in "partner" but "partner" is not included in "wife".

"Do you have a partner?" - Yes, a wife/husband. Yes, a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Vs
"Do you have a husband/wife?" Yes. No.

That's how I see it, anyway.

I'm the same as Natalia. Also if I'm upset about something I would speak to the person/school - they most likely will
not be that bothered/judgemental about what your situation is and particularly, what you want to be called. Only a big deal if you want it to be.

As for the school doing things like fathers day cards etc, this is a different issue and I would presume the school would have had info previously. Ive seen situations or rituals/traditions made totally universal in inclusive schools. Maybe if it's an independent school the poster may be concerned that this is an example of strong traditional views which she doesn't want for her child- Visiting the school will enlighten her as to if this is the case. But generally speaking, teachers and school staff are people and often they will be able to relate most people's circumstances- even if you are called Mrs. In a situation like this where they don't know you and they've made an assumption based on probability

I would prefer to be asked for my preferred title than have to correct someone.

If I am unsure and feel I need to address them formally, I usually say "Hello, Miss/Ms/Mrs/Dr? surname. " Then, they can let you know when they reply, if they haven't signed-off their first email with one.

Sure, but not everyone does, and "wife" is included in "partner" but "partner" is not included in "wife".

Unfortunately, “partner” also means someone with whom one is in business. So it’s not always the obvious answer and doesn’t always come without confusion....